10...9...8...

Ah, New Year's Eve. The night that single people dread, and the night I usually spend midnight in the bathroom to avoid watching everyone else get kissed (that is, when I actually make it to midnight). I swear NYE is worse than Valentine's Day, because on V-Day you can just stay in. But on NYE you feel obligated to put on something sparkly and go out. This year I actually have a date. I haven't had a date on New Year's since like 2007 (very sad and very true). So here's hoping the only reason I would be in the bathroom at midnight is if I had too much champagne. (Actually, let's not hope for that.)

Happy 2015 everyone!!

The "Subway" makes me nervous, however.

Going to Cabo for a wedding next weekend, and I kind of love the airport map that the hotel shuttle sent me:

Of particular interest: the "Do Not Acknowledge" in the Time Share Area (and having been to Cabo, this is an excellent tip), and of course the Bar located just outside. Viva Mexico, indeed.

Is there a Walgreens Anonymous program I could join?

I think I have a problem. I go to the drugstore almost every day. It's on the way to work, and somehow every morning I remember that I need something else. Went yesterday, and stopped by again today. And now that I know they carry wine, I might start making an additional stop in the evening. Two-a-days. It's getting worse.

Ghosts of Christmas music past

Four days after Christmas, and Sirius XM is still playing holiday music. (The local radio station was up until today, too.) And sadly, I'm still listening to it. #whygodwhy

Oh the humiliation

My mom is here for the holidays, and I've been trying to keep her busy (aka tire her out). We've gone shopping, eaten souffles, did one of those painting/wine classes, went grocery shopping and hit the Perot Museum. All within 48 hours. And each time we go out, we clock how many times she embarrasses me. I won't divulge the total, but let's just say it's a significant number. Yes, I embarrass easily, but is there a need to dance in the grocery store? (Note: when the store employee started laughing and asked if she was my mother, I said I didn't have any idea who she was. So maybe that one doesn't count? Yes it does.) Even just throwing out an unwarranted "Merry Christmas!" to anyone who helps us makes me blush. Good thing I have a lot of wine at home. #cheers

Dogs, man.

Sometimes I think my dog isn't kissing me because she loves me - she just loves the taste of my Lip Smackers lipgloss. Gross but true.

To quote 2 Live Crew, "Banned in the USA"

This whole Sony Pictures/The Interview stuff seems unreal, no? Ironically, like a movie. I actually saw The Interview a few months ago at an advanced screening (and by putting that in print have probably put a target on my back...), and honestly, it's not that good. Aside from a hilarious cameo by Eminem in the first five minutes, I remember thinking the entire time that this was going to be an international incident. (ForeshI was offended FOR North Korea. But the fact that it isn't being released at all isn't fair - you should all be able to decide for yourselves if the movie sucks or not. But it pretty much does. Take that, North Korea.

Rated M for Mature

Played three hours of Cards Against Humanity last night, and apparently there are certain answers that win each time, no matter WHAT the subject matter is:

"Two midgets shitting into a bucket"

"Three dicks at the same time"

And occasionally "Fire a rifle into the air while balls deep inside a squealing pig"

So there's that.

Blackhawk down

Last night I heard a really loud rumbling noise outside my apartment, so I went to the window to check it out. (And no, it wasn't Santa Claus.) Saw five (!) completely blacked-out helicopters taking off in succession from the rooftop of the Mansion. No lights, completely dark, and they were flying really low. I initially thought it was the President or something (there were helicopters when all three presidents were here for the Bush Library dedication), but turns out it was much more Zero Dark Thirty:

http://thescoopblog.dallasnews.com/2014/12/helicopters-flying-over-dallas-part-of-special-operations-training.html/

So cool!!

TMI, FB. TMI.

Do Tinder and Facebook have some sort of renewed partnership? Because all of a sudden, the "People You May Know" on FB are guys I went out with on Tinder. INCLUDING the dude with the "yacht." What the hell, Facebook. I don't need to know these guys' last names, nor do they need to know mine! And online dating rears its ugly head. Privacy be damned.

Back to the Future

This list of Christmas gifts that 80s girls wanted really brought me back. It's sad/awesome how many of these I actually owned:

Girl Talk - I specifically remember there were little red dot stickers that were "zits" - nice
Fashion Plates - LOVED these
Barbie and the Rockers - not only did I own them all, but I believe I had the cassette tape as well
Colorforms
Get in Shape, Girl - completely useless, but amazing. Particularly the ribbon for "rhythmic gymnastics?"
She-ra - although I don't think I had the castle. Dammit.
Strawberry Shortcake dolls
Cabbage Patch Kids - duh. I had like 10 of these, including twin preemies
Pound Puppies - had a bunch of these as well
Glitter batons
My Little Pony
Rainbow Brite
Charm Necklaces - so third grade, I can't even.
Barbie Dream House - not sure I had the Corvette, though. Dammit.
Care Bears - complete with Care Bear Stare
Poochie
Sharp Boombox - HELL YES. I had a lavender one that I carried around like a total idiot.
Jem - might be her for Halloween 2015. Outrageous.
See-through phone - I didn't have this, but man I wanted it. Dammit.

Summary: the 80s had way better toys then we have now. And I don't care that it makes sound older than dirt.

Get out of my nightmare, get into my car

Babysitting this weekend, and it will involve installing a car seat into the Mustang (is this even possible?!) and driving a kiddo like 45 minutes down the highway. Needless to say, I am TERRIFIED. And will probably drive about 30 mph with my hazard lights on. And sidebar: do three-year-olds like 80s music? Because I don't own the Frozen soundtrack. And don't really want to.

Devil's in the details

Feliz Navidad has been popping up on (the admittedly holiday station of) Sirius XM lately. But here's how it appears on the screen:

At first I thought it was a typo, but it comes up like this every time. I mean they can't add one tiny e after his name to make it Jose? This isn't Jos. A Bank, people. #irat #yesileftofftheeinirateonpurpose #makingapointhere

All I need now is to meet a Matty and a Mateo and I'll be all set.

You know you've been dating too much when you try to send "Matt" a text and realize there are three Matt's in your phone, plus a Matthew - and you have no idea who is who. (Seriously - no clue I knew that many Matts.) #littleblackbook

Spoiled, party of one

My "free" elliptical finally arrived on Saturday, and with a little help (how the hell is one person, particularly a female person, supposed to lift the machine and at the same time stick the wheels on?!), it's finally up and running. And it. Is. Awesome. It's like a Cadillac. And clearly the one I had before is a Subaru. Not that there's anything wrong with Subarus - it's just once you go Cadillac, you don't go back.

It has a built-in fan, outlets for USB and MP3, a color video screen with sound, PLUS it can connect to the internet via wifi so I can freaking check email and check-in on Facebook from my elliptical.

And I just might.

#firstworldproblems

I hate when you want to buy a song from iTunes and they make you buy the whole album. And I don't want the whole album! So in protest, I will refrain from getting anything at all. Take that, iTunes. (as if they would even notice/care)

Pleather, party of one

Is it inappropriate to wear a leather dress to a wedding shower? Considering it's a couples shower and I will be attending solo, I think any sort of dress code goes out the window. If anyone asks, leather is my date.

My gigantic closet is finally coming in handy

Ran into a lady who lives in my building last night as we were both walking our dogs. She asked me if I was in fashion. I said no...she said I always looked "immaculate" and she assumed I worked in the industry. Let it be noted that I was wearing a somewhat ridiculous outfit at the time - neon pink jeans, brown boots and my furry leopard coat - but I'll take it!

Feeling blue in a red state

As a Democrat in a traditionally Republican state, I have learned that I'm in the minority, and simply not to talk politics. As long as you don't push your views on me, we can all coexist peacefully. No biggie. Guess that's not how everyone feels, though - got an email from a guy on Match over the weekend who said he thought I had a nice smile, but he was concerned that I had selected "Liberal" on the political leanings question. He asked how liberal I was, since he was very conservative, adding "if you think Obama is doing a good job, we shouldn't talk again." I responded that I guess we shouldn't talk again, including a smiley face so he wouldn't take things too seriously. He wrote back "good luck in your search then," so clearly he DID take it seriously. Personally, I think HE needs the luck. Sheesh.

Oh my aching back. And neck. And quads...

In an effort to not gain a ton of weight over Thanksgiving, I utilized my super-fit father and added some new activities to the routine: 6-mile run, tennis, golf and the Stairmaster. (Yes, they still have a Stairmaster.) I stupidly crammed all of this into three days, and am now so sore I can barely move. Probably sore from all of them, so the combination is quite painful. But I did lose a pound, so I guess the old adage "no pain, no gain" is literally true. #ow

Let it go?

Off to Florida for Thanksgiving, and both excited and embarrassed to say that I bought Frozen on iTunes and will be watching it for the first time on the flight. Maybe now I can understand what all the hype is about. Or not...

Either way, bring on the carb-fest. Not going to let THAT go.

Happy thanksgiving!!

If it ain't broke...

I don't understand why they keep remaking movies and songs - Footloose was just fine, dammit! A few years back they re-did "We Are the World" for Haiti relief, and now they have re-recorded "Do They Know It's Christmas" for Ebola?! The lyrics are kind of laughable, I'm sorry ("where a kiss of love can kill you, and there’s death in every tear") - and some people are complaining that most people in Africa are Muslim and don't celebrate Christmas anyway. (So they really DON'T know it's Christmas. Hey-oh.)

Calling fowl on this one

Heard a commercial on the radio this morning for a free turkey from Kroger! However, it's only free after you buy $150 worth of groceries. So...$150 turkey from Kroger! Happy holidays everyone.

Rizzoli and...Stockton?

Happened upon my "People You May Know" page on Facebook, and at the top of the list was Angie Harmon.

See below for proof:

We have 12 friends in common?! 12 people I know know her? She's getting divorced, apparently - she needs a girls night out! I'm in, Angie. Have your people call...well, me.

Vicious Cycle

It's all fun and games until you see someone you know on Match. And when you are matched with them from the site, you have to look at their profile. Which means they will SEE that you looked at their profile. So I feel obligated to say hello, since otherwise that's just rude? But also super embarrassing - maybe it's actually best to ignore and pretend it didn't happen. Until you see them out...and ignore them again.

Just kill me. (not literally though)

Seriously. Charles Manson is getting married?! Charles MANSON? Clearly I am doing something wrong here.

Close call #38457

Had a near-disaster in the bathroom this morning. Went to grab my face lotion out of the cabinet:

Two very similar-sized, orange-colored tubes greeted me. I initially grabbed the one on the left. Good thing I glanced down before rubbing it all over my face:

That could have been fairly unfortunate. And uncomfortable.

CENSORED.

Had such fun at UNC Homecoming this weekend. Came back with a gigantic Michael Jordan cup, a blue and white pom-pom and a 7-year-old follower on Instagram. Which means I am going to have to really watch what I post from now on. Holy (self-imposed) censorship. May also have to watch how MUCH I post from now on - you know you have a problem when a 7-year-old tells you you post too many photos. #kidssaythedarndestthings

UPDATE: Now her 9-year-old brother is following me as well. #pressure

Heel yes

Off to Chapel Hill for UNC Homecoming this weekend. Tar Heel basketball + Tar Heel football + tailgating (even in 45 degree weather) + college friends = YAY. A little horrified that it's our 15-year reunion, but no more horrified than the fact that I've already received an invite to our 20-year high school reunion next year.
#bringontheairplanebottles #old

Why Does She Do It, Folks?!

Why do I save the extra buttons that come on a new coat, when I have no idea how to sew on a button?! Perhaps there will be a craft project someday that will require a hot glue gun and a bunch of buttons. Of course, that would then require me to buy a hot glue gun. #viciouscycle

I just have one word for this.

WHY.

(Okay, I have a few more words, but I think "WHY" sums it up. Good lord.)

In other car news...

Finally got my car back from the shop after a week. I so missed Sirius XM and my UNC sticker. But I clearly missed more than that - somehow forgot how to turn on the lights in the ol' Mustang. Even had to pull out the manual from the glove compartment to remind myself.  God forbid they had it any longer - would have needed a freaking Driver's Ed course. #holyblondemoment

Where the hell is 4th gear?!

This morning on the radio they were talking about how hard it is to teach someone to drive a stick-shift, and everyone was sharing their horror stories. I have my own. I found out a few weeks before I turned 16 that my parents had bought me a car (yay!), and that it was a manual transmission (boo!). My mom took me out and tried to teach me in our church parking lot, but we got so annoyed with each other that she told my dad he had to do it. My dad took me out to some neighborhood in the middle of nowhere, and at one point I opened the door and got out, screaming "I can't do this! It's too hard!" But it's amazing the motivation of not being able to drive your brand new car can do to a person. In a week I had it down. But I'm not sure I would ever want to teach anyone else.  Especially in a hilly area. #pass

Not sure what block Jenny is from...

When I heard that part of Jennifer Lopez's rider requires staff to bake an apple pie every day, I thought it was weirdo and diva-ish, but nice - she eats apple pie with her kids! But no - she actually requires it only because she likes the smell of baking apple pie. Um, hi. They make candles for that. #mustbenice

Zero Dark Thirty indeed

The one good thing about it getting dark earlier? When I get home, I can't see all the dog hair Charlie sheds on the floor and there is no need to Swiffer every damn night. Thanks daylight saving time!

Insert crickets chirping

As I mentioned, I am obsessed with the sound buttons on my desk. That's What She Said, That Was Easy and What the Eff?! Thrilled to find that there are a billion other ones I can add to my collection:
http://www.officeplayground.com/Sound-Effect-Machines-Buttons-C389.aspx

Of particular interest, the crowd booing and the lion roar. What - no seal bark? No sneeze? (Actually, these probably do exist somewhere.)

Someday, I will finally live out my dream of never having to speak and only communicating through buttons.

Impressive or super OCD - you be the judge

So I'm done with my Christmas shopping. Actually, I was done last week, but it sounds a tad better now that it's November. Although I realize it still sounds fairly nuts. Ah well - one less thing to stress about come December. And one more free night I'll have to watch Elf. #sothere

Rear-ender Fender Bender

Got in my first legit car accident on Friday night. (I say "legit" because of course there have been some hiccups of me vs the curb, etc.) It wasn't my fault - I got rear-ended - but it shook me up! Her car suffered more damage than mine, but I still have to take it in to get the bumper checked out. Kind of wish I had more proof of being in an accident - is a nice arm scrape or a black eye asking too much? Oh well. I would say maybe next time, but hopefully there won't BE a next time. #eeks

A Halloween horror story

Somehow last night I managed to shave off half of an eyebrow. No idea how, but it's gone. Now, my eyebrows are white, so it's not that noticeable - until I darken them for work/being out in public. It'll grow back, right? RIGHT?! Might need to rethink my Halloween costume.

Sidebar: google "no eyebrows." Why are there 1000 images of celebrities without eyebrows?!

Warning: Shameless Hotel Monaco plug

There is really nothing better than staying at a nice hotel. Black-out curtains. Ridiculously comfortable bed. HBO. Fluffy robe. Keurig in the room. Free wine by the fire. #caniextendmystay #noseriously

Now that's what I call old.

Now That's What I Call Music 52 was released today. 52?! I swear to god I remember when volume 1 came out. And just out of curiosity, I looked it up. Released in 1998 and included the following:

No.	Title	Artist	Length
1.	"Together Again"	Janet Jackson	5:01
2.	"As Long as You Love Me"	Backstreet Boys	3:32
3.	"The Way"	Fastball	4:16
4.	"Flagpole Sitta"	Harvey Danger	3:35
5.	"Say You'll Be There"	Spice Girls	3:56
6.	"All My Life"	K-Ci & JoJo	5:31
7.	"Never Ever" (Single Edit)	All Saints	4:46
8.	"If You Could Only See"	Tonic	4:21
9.	"Mmmbop"	Hanson	4:27
10.	"Zoot Suit Riot"	Cherry Poppin' Daddies	3:53
11.	"Shorty (You Keep Playin' with My Mind)"	Imajin	4:54
12.	"Anytime"	Brian McKnight	4:31
13.	"Barbie Girl"	Aqua	3:16
14.	"Karma Police"	Radiohead	4:30
15.	"I Will Buy You a New Life"	Everclear	3:58
16.	"Fly Away"	Lenny Kravitz	3:41
17.	"Sex & Candy"	Marcy Playground	2:52

Ohhhh Barbie Girl. That was my JAM in college. And K-Ci and JoJo? YES. Wonder if anyone out there has all 52 of these. That would be equally impressive and sad.

PS Headed to Seattle for a conference, so will blog again Friday!

The Cosby Trifecta

Yesterday I was watching a Cosby marathon, and within an hour span, I saw three of my all-time favorite moments:

1. Peter
2. "O-B-K-B" (the way Cliff talks after going to the dentist)
3. Zerberts

With a special honorable mention for Cockroach, the second-best named best friend on 80s TV (after Boner, of course.)

1989 WAS a good year...

Just when I think I'm done with Taylor Swift, she busts out with another catchy song that I have to have. Shake it Off? YES. Not as familiar with Out of the Woods, but I still downloaded it. #respect
And the latest, Welcome to New York? Well it might just be the catchiest thing I have ever heard. Can't. Stop. Playing. It.

Add that to the fact that her cats are named Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson, and I might be a little obsessed.

Heel no

Got so many texts last night about UNC's fraud scandal. My poor Tar Heels. At least Duke still sucks.

I fear this could be a slippery slope.

I eat fairly healthy (50 Starburst daily aside), but apparently going on dates brings out the junk food demon in me. I don't want to be "that girl" (which I so clearly am), so I try to be polite and try something if the guy asks me to. Over the years, I have had a few bites of peanut butter pie (which was RIDICULOUSLY good), a french fry or two, and possibly even lamb (which I still tell myself was chicken). Over the weekend, I went to an event at a local museum, and they were doing demonstrations with liquid nitrogen: freezing gummy worms, Cheetos, graham crackers and Oreos. I would have preferred a graham cracker, but my date grabbed an Oreo so I went for it. Don't think I've eaten an Oreo since like 1989. It was good. And made better by the fact that smoke came out of my mouth like a damn dragon. As they say, be yourself. Unless you can be a dragon. Then be a dragon.

My kind of warranty

I've had my elliptical machine since like 2009, and it's gone through lots of repairs. (Most likely due to the fact that I use it more than anyone ever should.) I just renewed my extended warranty, and sure am glad I did: two parts have been on backorder since August, and when I called to check up on them last week, the service tech told me under my warranty if parts don't arrive in 60 days, I get a Brand. New. Machine. Um, what? That thing cost like $1200. So one more day to wait, and then Merry Early Christmas to me! The big question: what the hell do I do with the old one. And how the hell am I supposed to get it out of my apartment. #singlegirlproblems

As if I need more shopping addictions.

Semi-obsessed with LIKEtoKNOW.it. You sign up online, then follow the account on Instagram. If you like what someone is wearing, just literally "like" it and you receive an email telling you where to buy it. So far I have bought three things I "liked," but what I would really LIKE to KNOW is how do you get to be one of the lucky girls featured on LIKEtoKNOW. (see what I did there?) #dreambigpeople

Home, home on the range

A co-worker suggested I try a new dating site, Farmers Only. All you need to do it watch the commercial to understand why I started giggling uncontrollably. I actually did go on the site to browse, and that set off another fit of giggles. Like 1 out of 100 lived in Dallas (no big surprise, given the site's motto), and most were over 60. Soooo probably not a fit for this city slicker.

Which of course then reminds me of Norman:

Ebola virus, part III

I know Ebola isn't funny, but this kind of is.

On another note, have a dr's appt at the Ebola hospital today. Because that's a great idea.

Buttoned-up

It all started with the Staples "That was easy" button. I got it for Christmas a few years ago and it still comes in handy almost every day at work. But I wanted more. More loud buttons. I now have "That's what she said" and "WTF," both of which ALSO get used almost daily. I really want to collect them all ("No!" "BS Detector" "STFU" etc.), with the eventual goal of never having to actually speak again. Just hit various buttons. #whenwilltheymakeanamazeballsone

Dog days

I wish anything would make me as excited as my dog gets when she realizes that she gets to ride in the car. Not sure why, since 90% of the time those car rides lead to a bath or the vet, but I guess she's so excited that I'm not leaving without her, she doesn't care.

I also have become that person who turns away when she poops, to give her some semblance of privacy. Is that weird? (I know, yes.) Next thing you know, I'll be buying her Halloween costumes. Oh, wait...

Safety first

Went to the batting cages on a date on Saturday. And felt the need to wear this:

That's right, folks - I wore a helmet. For slo-pitch softball. And then after hitting, I noticed that no one else out there was wearing one (except for a five-year-old kid). What the hell, people - I'm the last one to wear a helmet skiing (and went into that kicking and screaming), but the only jackass wearing a helmet when huge balls are flying around? (that's what she said, I know.)

So I begrudgingly took it over and went helmet-free the rest of the time. I'm sure my date was happy.

Walk this way

We're doing a 10,000 step challenge at work, complete with pedometers, and I was pretty proud to have walked 81,000 steps this week. Until I looked up the conversion rate, and learned that it takes 2,000 steps to walk a mile - so I've only gone 40 freaking miles?? That would barely get me to work and back! #fitnessfail

Whoa

I admit it: I am guilty of watching Blossom reruns on TV. They've been on lately, and I got curious. Didn't remember much about it from the early 90s. What I learned? Aside from the ridiculous amount of hats and Joey "whoa's," there isn't much there. (Shocking, I know.) Most episodes are "A Very Special Blossom," which really doesn't happen anymore. Maybe because there aren't that many sitcoms taped in front a live audience anymore. But seriously. Must we deal with eating disorders/drunk driving/theft/addiction in a 23-minute show that somehow wraps up nicely by the end credits? Bizarre. If we're going to go there, give me 90210 any day of the week. #whoa

Spanx for nothing

This made the news yesterday. (And by "news," I mean US Weekly.)

Jennifer Garner's dress came up, accidentally revealing that (gasp!) she wears Spanx. I don't understand the big deal here - personally I find it refreshing that beautiful, seemingly perfect women wear them. It's the ultimate "Stars are just like us" feature. Hell - If I didn't find them so damn hot and uncomfortable, I'd be rocking them too! (I also try to steer clear of super tight clothes in which Spanx would be a near-necessity. Take a note, celebs.)

You can't sit with us.

Referencing Mean Girls here because I dealt with a Mean Girl yesterday at work. (it was actually a Mean GUY, but it just sounds better.) I'm captaining a team for our work bowling tournament, and have decided on the team name "Bowlerinas." Unfortunately for the team, it's all dudes. And me. And I will be buying pink tutus for all (and possibly getting to re-wear my black swan costume!). One tradition is to make posters promoting your team and stick them all over the office. I am no graphic designer and really can't even use Photoshop, but I managed to whip up this beaut yesterday:

 

 Clever, no? I thought so - until another captain came into my office telling me how horrible the posters were, and how little time did I spend on them?! WTMF, dude. It's a stupid bowling tournament. Who CARES about the posters. (Plus, I think they're cute!)

Just for that, I'm sticking him and his team way off by themselves in no man's land - the private lane area of the bowling alley. Because not only am I a team captain, I'm in charge of the Whole. Damn. Tournament. (That was very Hair Club for Men, wasn't it? "I'm not just the president - I'm also a client.")

#dontmesswiththebull #youllgetthehorns

 

Mane attraction

Women have emulated the hairstyles seen on big and small screens for decades. I give you:

The Farrah:

The Demi:

 

 

The Rachel:

 

 

 

And, I predict, the Gone Girl:

Saw this movie yesterday and I am semi-obsessed with Rosamund Pike's hair. That plus the brief Ben Affleck full-frontal, and this movie gets two thumbs up from me. #easilyamused

Baba Wawa I am not.

We're hiring a new position on my team, which means I'm having to give like three phone interviews a day. Even though I went to school for broadcast freaking journalism, I would not say I'm the best interviewer - they usually only last about 15 minutes, and I'm afraid I even ask what their biggest strengths and weaknesses are. #clichemuch

At least I don't ask "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" But I might start.

Ebola virus, day 2

So my 90-year-old grandmother is concerned about Ebola being in Texas, and has apparently come up with a plan: I am to grab 15 dresses and my dog and drive to Oklahoma before they "close the border" (?!), and my brother and his wife (who live in Austin) are to drive down to Mexico. I am then to continue on to Colorado to stay with my grandmother, and I guess my poor brother is just supposed to fend for himself south of the border. Buena suerte. #nanaFTW

Outbreak

So Dallas has Ebola. Or more accurately, one person in Dallas has Ebola. But from the reaction, you would think everyone had caught it.  Methinks people need to calm the eff down and get a flu shot.

#rantover

Howdy, folks

Made it to the State Fair of Texas this weekend - hadn't been in a few years, and had a free ticket, so figured what the heck. I'm proud to say that I made it out of there only having spent $20. (Well, plus $5 for the train to get there.) Considering the Diet DP was $5, I think that's a pretty impressive feat. Granted, I don't eat any of the fried crap they serve out there (chicken fried bacon! deep fried pecan pie! etc.), and don't ride the rides because I fear they were constructed in about 15 minutes by a carny with no teeth. Speaking of carnies, I also won two hats in the midway, thanks to some generous friends (thought one was an octopus; turns out it was a squid that sort of looks like a penis. But I digress.).  Perhaps I should write a book: How to Get in and out of the State Fair on $20 or less.
Hell - I'd read it.

How am I not on IMDB?

As I have probably mentioned before, I lived in LA in 2000 and was an extra on a few TV shows. Most of those were crowd scenes, and therefore it's hard to ever find myself. But on one show, Popular (which aired on the then-WB), they asked for volunteers to have their hair sprayed weird and to blacken in a tooth. I knew this meant screen time, so raised my hand. (Turned out it was a scene from a podunk high school in Tupelo, MS - no offense, Mississippians.) It's still tough to see me, but my ridiculously blonde hair is hard to miss. (having trouble getting the picture to rotate. apologies)

It ain't easy bein green - or hitting your ball there

Survived the golf course, although I was ready to quit after 9 holes (really after 6, but who's counting). The team bailed after 15 because it was taking forever and we had to go back to work. I wasn't very good, but I did hit one from the tee directly onto the green, allowing us to par a hole (look at me with all the lingo!), and a few times mine was the lead ball that we all used for the next shot since it was a scramble. But let's not get ahead of ourselves - there was lots of whiffing and divot replacing and cursing. I sort of want to take lessons now. So that's two new sports I have decided to take up in 2015: surfing and golfing. Sure, why not.

And thank the lord, there were bathrooms.

I can't believe it's not putter

Playing in a charity golf tournament today. The fact that I have never played actual golf (doubt Top Golf counts) doesn't bother me. Nor does the fact that I don't own golf clubs or golf shoes. And really don't even own a proper collared shirt to wear. (I do randomly own three golf gloves, however - so there's that.)

My biggest concern: how do you go to the bathroom?!

Stay tuned.

Step right up, folks!

Trying to come up with a State Fair-themed contest for employees to win the reserved parking spot, I of course thought of Guess My Weight. Allow employees to submit guesses, and whoever got closest without going over would win. I wouldn't ever reveal the actual number, of course - but I guess the winner could potentially blab about it to everyone. I figured it wouldn't make it past HR, but surprisingly they loved the idea. But the more people I told, the more people said no one would actually have the balls to send in a guess. So we went with a lame quiz about the history of the Fair. Boo. Maybe I'll start trying to grow a beard by next year and at least people can pay to see the bearded lady.

Grocery store woes

Why do I always get the one cart at the supermarket with the squeaky/broken/ridiculously loud wheel? And by the time I figure it out, I'm too lazy to go back and get another one. So I'm stuck barreling through the aisles, sounding like a freight train and pretending not to notice all the other shoppers staring at me.

And ANOTHER thing: what gives with the self-service line? It would be so much faster if it didn't say "an associate has been notified to help you" every time. I did what the voice told me - I scanned my item and put it in the bagging area! Why does an associate need to verify this?! Or why do you think I removed my item from the bagging area? I respect the bagging area. Good lord.
 I remember when the biggest dilemma at the grocery store was paper or plastic.

#firstworldproblems

The one with the flashbacks

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the premiere of Friends, and even though I have seen every episode at least 20 times, I still love it and laugh out loud. I also can relate daily experiences to an episode of Friends - like Friday, when I got my teeth whitened, I thought about the one where Ross gets his whitened and they glow in the dark. Greatness. Here, some of my favorite Friends moments:

When Joey says it's a "moo point - like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. It's moo."
Joey trying to figure out air quotes.
Phoebe changing her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
The one with the lightning round, where we learn Monica's nickname was "Big Fat Goalie" and Chandler's father's show is called "Viva Las Gay-gas."
Kathleen Turner as Chandler's dad.
Chandler telling Phoebe "it's not Spiderman. It's not his last name - Phil Spiderman. It's Spider MAN."
Chandler being stuck in a box for Thanksgiving.
Brad Pitt coming to Thanksgiving dinner.
Monica dancing with a giant turkey on her head on Thanksgiving.
Fat Monica.
And of course, "we were on a break."

Long live Nick at Nite reruns.

Maybe I should donate my body to science.

Watching The Biggest Loser is really an excellent diet - I feel guilty snacking while it's on, and I get motivated to work out instead. (Side bar: some of these people lose over 20 pounds in a WEEK?! Dear lord.)

But I guess I'm doing something right - giving blood yesterday, they gave me a mini-physical. The average resting heart rate is 60-100. Mine was 53. And the average blood pressure is 120 over 80. Mine? 97 over 63. Which actually sounded too low to me, but the nurse didn't bat an eye so I guess we're good? Or else I'm dead inside? Either way.

Day o' Health (followed by a Day o' Vanity)

We're having a health fair today, so I'm giving blood AND getting a skin cancer screening. (Both in neighboring mobile units parked outside our building.) Then tomorrow, it's all about me: teeth whitening and Botox. (Hopefully NEITHER of these will take place in a mobile unit.) Gotta balance out the selfless and the selfish. Though the selfish usually wins out. #sorrynotsorry #wellmaybealittle

Clearly, subliminal messaging works (buy me a present)

At least two friends on Facebook posted yesterday that there were only 100 days until Christmas. I scoffed at the time, then went home and watched Elf. So I guess there's something to that whole subliminal messaging thing after all. (Buy me a present)

Always bet on pink. At least, I do.

First, let me say it's a sad Tuesday without a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad/Bachelor in Paradise recap, but we'll have to push through it.

I have been thinking about driving out to Winstar casino to see a performance, stay the night, gamble a bit, then come home. (John Legend for NYE, anyone?!) I started giggling watching a commercial for the other nearby casino, Choctaw, last night - it was hyping up the place, showing the bright lights, the showgirls - and then at the very end the voiceover talks about what to do if you have a gambling problem. #irony

Get outta my dreams, get into my car

I hate car dealerships. Ironic, since I used to work for one, but if I could avoid them, I would. However, I bought a three-year free tire rotation/oil change package with my new car, so if I know I'm getting something for free, I will suck it up and go. I needed an oil change plus my Sync system was no longer working, so I went out there bright and early last Saturday morning. The service tech didn't instill a lot of trust when he messed up writing down my VIN # and had to get another piece of paper. Then told me he didn't know how to fix Sync since it was not a Ford dealership, but there was a lady who did know but she wasn't there that day. I asked if she didn't work weekends, and he replies that she did but just hadn't shown up that day - "must have gone out drinking." Ummm. So I decided to still get the oil change and he said it would take an hour. Two and a half hours later, the car was finally ready and I went to get my keys. The cashier said it would be $45. WTF - I told them I had a warranty and she called my trusty service guy over. He said he couldn't pull up internal info - of course only the missing woman could - but thank god they let me leave without having to pay. After three unanswered messages on the woman's machine, I finally caught her by dialing the 800 number. Turns out she doesn't know how to fix Sync either, so I had to go to another dealership. And they were 1000 times better - no warranty with them and they didn't charge me, plus it only took 5 minutes. May have found myself a new car place. #atlast

Because the lime makes it healthy. (Fruit.)

There's no reason to be concerned that tonight will be the third night in a row that I go out and drink margaritas, right? That's a completely normal, red-blooded American girl thing to do, yes? Doesn't raise red (green and white) flags for anyone, does it? Okay, great. That's what I thought. Viva!

Not even sure I could add this to the DVR

In what has to be the worst name ever for a TV show, Caroline Manzo from Real Housewives of New Jersey is getting a spin-off called "Manzo'd with Children." Oooooof. Bud Bundy just rolled over in his proverbial grave.

Get out your tiny violins, people.

We're in the process of planning our office holiday party - which is going to be AMAZEBALLS, especially thanks to this awesome band I found, The Space Rockers - but turns out I'll be in Cabo that weekend for a wedding. #firstworldproblems

Bachelor in Paradise recap: I literally have a gun to my head writing this. Literally.

(that's a shout-out to Michelle Money, who said deciding if she wanted to keep seeing Cody IRL - in real life - was like LITERALLY having a gun to her head. Um, no sweetie.)

It's finally over, people. And what a ridiculous finale it was. We are promised no more rose ceremonies (well, except for that final rose one), no new people (well, except for the appearance  of three "successful" couples from Bachelordom past), and no more date cards (well, except for the overnight fantasy suite dates that everyone gets). Basically, Chris Harrison lied to us.

But even before that chaos, the six couples left must decide if their "relationships" can survive outside of Paradise/Clare-a-dise/Sarah-dise (might be the last time I get to use this). AshLee feels certain she and Graham are in it for the long haul, and she wears rope around her head and bracelet-ring combos, so she must be in tune to emotions and stuff. Michelle doesn't believe her, so tells Graham to dump her. And he does. Graham is weak. Or Michelle is jealous. Something doesn't really add up here, but Graham and AshLee part ways. Apparently so do Zack and Jackie and Christy and Tasos, although they had about 30 seconds of screen time total. #supportingcharacters

So we're down to six. Counting the number of people left is very important to Chris Harrison. And to this guy:

 

 

 

All three final couples (Marcus and Lacey, Michelle and Cody-Code and Sarah and Robert) get an overnight date to once again assess if their relationship can stand the test of time. Holy pressure cooker, ABC. All three have romantic escapades - except Sarah and Robert, apparently. Sarah spills that Robert went right to bed - in his jeans. C'mon man, you can't at least wear boxer briefs to bed? Sarah isn't going to hurt you...until she tells him it's not working out and they are dunzo. Robert cries into his shirt (aw!) saying he was trying to take things slow and is completely blindsided. Sarah worries in the exit limo if it was just one bad night and she ruined a good thing? Pooooor Sarah.

 

Lacey and Marcus are as hot and heavy (and tan) as ever, cementing their relationship once Lacey too said the "L" word. She's so dumb, I'm surprised she got it right. And Michelle and Cody have strengthed their bond - and Cody's body, which is looking larger than life. They are now boyfriend-girlfriend, thanks to an emergency call by Michelle to her lifeline, 9-year-old daughter Brielle, who tells her mom to chill. If he treats you nice, keep him around. Duh, mom.

 

But the ridiculous "tests" aren't quite done for our fearsome foursome - Desiree and Chris, Molly and Jason and Catherine and Sean show up for some lightning round quizzes and tough questions. I can't take Sean seriously because he looks like such a goob:

 

 

Seriously, guy - unbutton a button. And buy a bigger size - those sleeves look tiiiiiiight.

 

We finally make it to the rose ceremony. Michelle and Cody accept each other's roses and ride off into the sunset so he can do more chest presses using her body as a dumbbell. (Seriously - why.)

 

And Marcus starts to sweat profusely before asking Lacey to go outside with him - will he dump her in paradise?? Nooo - he is proposing, of course! They've known each other for a few weeks, and he was still in love with Andi when he arrived, so a marriage proposal makes perfect sense. She says yes, everyone cheers, and we are DONE with another crazy season of this show. I did giggle seeing Juan Pablo and Nikki on previews of "Couples Therapy," and giggled again hearing Chris Harrison say "Do you want to date America's hottest farmer?" promoting the next Bachelor season. He better make BANK to say that kind of crap.

 

#bringonthefarmer



A "screech"-ing halt

So I finally got around to watching the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie this weekend. And sort of wish I hadn't. What a waste of time (and this coming from someone who religiously watches The Bachelor!).  The only things I learned:

• Mark-Paul Gosselaar's mom is Indonesian (aka his blonde hair was NOT natural, no big surprise there)
• Zack and Lisa Turtle had a thing!
• Jennie Garth was almost considered for the role of Kelly Kapowski, who she would later hate (as Valerie) on Beverly Hills 90210
• Screech smoked pot and drank his nerd troubles away
• Brandon Tartikoff rules (and after I IMDB'd him, learned that Punky Brewster was named after a girl he liked in grade school AND her dog Brandon was named after him. Mind blown.)

Now unfortunately watching the Brittany Murphy Story. Why, Lifetime - why?!

Dogs, man.

I was walking Charlie yesterday after work, and she freaking ate a worm off the ground. I screamed (out loud, mind you), "Ew, no! We are ladies! Ladies don't eat worms!" Then looked up to find a couple staring at me. Awesome. But I'm sorry - I stand by my statement.

I also wouldn't let her lick me in the face for a few hours afterwards, just to be safe.

I plan on planting a flag up there with my face on it...

While hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park over the weekend, I expressed my regret that I had never gotten to the top of Long's Peak, the tallest mountain in the Park. I got close once - we made it to a spot called the Keyhole, but it was really windy and icy from there to the top so we turned around. It's not an easy hike, either - 14.5 miles roundtrip, 5,000+ feet elevation gain, and you have to start at like 2am to make sure you're back down below treeline before the thunderstorms so you don't get struck by lightning. Plus it's super dangerous - a kid died on the mountain last month because the winds were so strong he literally blew off. Um, why are we doing this again? #adventurous #idiots

Everything I need to know (about love) I learned in kindergarten?

In the past few months, no less than three guys I went to elementary school with (and really haven't seen since then) have resurfaced (thanks, Facebook!) and asked me out. They are all nice, normal guys, so of course I say yes - it's just odd. Wondering if there's some sort of dating site out there for people you haven't seen in like 30 years - because it could very well be a treasure trove. The weirdest part? On the whole, we all look pretty much the same (thanks, Botox!).

Bachelor in Paradise recap - Solo Johnny and Stalagmites

Only one more week to go in Paradise, thank god. Everyone is getting a little too tan for my liking (Cody, Lacy, I'm talking to you). Marcus gets a date card and takes his soon-to-be-wife Lacy swimming with bats. I'm sorry, but I would be a freaking MESS on this date. Panic-striken, certain bats were in my hair, the whole 9 yards. #kindofawuss But Lacy, after struggling over the word "stalagmite," keeps it together and finally tells Marcus she loves him too. Michelle makes the wise prediction that they will have very tan babies.

Brooks strides down the beach. We haven't seen him since he rejected Des on her season, but Sarah is excited he's there. Robert senses trouble, so tells Brooks he'll kill him if he asks her out. Understood, bra. Brooks instead asks out Jackie, and they have a fun dinner date in which Brooks asks to kiss her - but "only on the mouth." Alrighty.

Zack is worried - he needs to up his game if he wants to stick around. So he too asks Jackie out. I don't want to alarm anyone, but Jackie has now been out with FOUR different dudes since arriving in Mexico. Atta girl. They have a romantic date in a cave (aren't all cave dates romantic?), and she once again breaks her "no kissing on the first date" rule, which clearly is made up anyway.

Tasos also arrives, single and ready to mingle - and just in time, too - Christy is done with Jesse, who's last name should be changed to a bleeped-out curse word. That's all we heard: "Jesse is a &@%#$@#. What a %$@#*&#@." She found out that he messed around with Lucy (although I thought it was rumored they had a threesome, so wouldn't she be in the know?), plus the mindgames with Christy and Jackie, and is so over it. To his credit, Jesse doesn't really seem to care (although calling Tasos "Taco" is pretty lame). He just wants his free trip (and free booze) to last as long as possible.

But it's not looking good - Tasos and Christy have a great date involving floating down the lazy river and feeding each other grapes. Back at home, Michelle is freaking out that Cody has already said the L word. We are treated to many (many) shots of Cody working out - he has been nicknamed The Hulk, which is fairly accurate. Dude is HUGE. But Michelle is willing to give him and his giant quads a chance.

Jesse pulls Christy aside to see where she's at, and she tells him fairly point-blank that this isn't going anywhere. He is upset - no more free drinks?! - and decides to be proactive and head home. But not before Christy/Lacy/Michelle confront him in the exit limo. Again, Jesse shrugs it off and looks forward to lots of invites and emails when he gets home. Oh, Kovacs.

Rose ceremony:
Lacy and Marcus
AshLee and Graham
Sarah and Robert
Michelle and Cody
Christy and Tasos
Jackie and Zack (sorry Brooks)

Next week, the finale. THANK GOD. Sarah-dise is coming to an end. I need a daquiri.

90 is the new 100

Off to Colorado today for Labor Day weekend and to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday. The doctors tell her she has the body of a 70-year-old, but clearly not the mind -  she thinks she is turning 100. Thinking about crafting a fake Willard Scott announcement just in case. Happy bday Nana!

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Would someone just give the raccoon it's own show already?

The conclusion of the two-part cliffhanger aired last night, so we've waded through a whopping four hours of Bachelor programming this week. I feel like I deserve someone's rose for that. Although I don't want a rose from any of these idiots. (maybe Graham.)

Speaking of Graham, the last episode made it look like he got cold feet about AshLee and bolted, when in fact it was just a bout of Montezuma's Revenge. Which seemed to sweep quickly through the group, and Lacey was taken to the hospital. But the rose ceremony must go on, and Graham accepted Ash's rose, Michelle is with Cody, Sarah gave hers to Robert and Jackie picked Jesse. Which means Marquel and his bright outfits are going home. And it also means new peeps are on the way...

Enter Christy (?) from Juan Pablo's season (?). I don't think she said more than three words on the Bachelor, which is why when she opened her mouth in paradise I couldn't believe how annoying her voice was. She went straight for Zack with her date card, but he politely declined because he is scared of in a relationship with Clare. Although he never makes the most convincing arguments, especially when explaining things to Clare. Christy bounces back and moves on to Jesse, who she hopes is nothing like her lying cheating ex. (Which of course means that he is.) Jesse is totally game since he's not there for the right reasons (drink!). Clearly neither is Christy, so they are a perfect pair. (Jackie is not amused.)

Sarah gets a date card and invites Robert. She hopes he will kiss her and she won't end up back in the Friend Zone - and he finally does! She seems a little more aggressive than him, but hey. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in a one-piece in Sarah-dise. (yes, I plan on using this phrase a LOT)

Cody and Michelle seem to be getting hot and heavy - he's heavy, she's hot! Hey-oh. He uses her as a dumbbell and paints her toes, and she comments on how huge his quads and arms are. That's true love, people. They get a date card and have a bizarre engagement photo session followed by a semi-wedding. Odd.

Back at the house, Zack and Clare have an awkward conversation in which he tells her he's not sure a relationship is the right thing right now. Uh-oh. Clare, being Clare, doesn't take it well and runs into the woods to talk to her bestie, the raccoon. She tells Rocky she's having a panic attack (on national television!), and this is not Clare-a-dise, it's torture! The raccoon agrees (well, he runs back into the woods, but I'm sure he agrees), and Clare packs up and leaves. Poor Clare.

Enter Lucy, the "free spirit" from Juan Pablo's season. (It's like a damn revolving door in paradise!) Lucy waltzes in with flowers in her hair (literally), but quickly decides it's time to bare all (also, literally). Black boxes become her bathing suit as she lures Jesse into the ocean and asks him on a date. They have some cervezas and share a few besos, but Jesse can't for the life of him remember her name and calls her "what's her nuts" multiple times. Luckily he can remember Christy's name at the rose ceremony. Because that would be awkward. Especially after he apparently had a threesome with both ladies? Holy Whore-a-dise.

AshLee and Graham have a cheesy race car date, allowing the producers to script Graham to use the metaphor that AshLee is like a beautiful vehicle that starts slow and gets easier to steer. Cue my eye-roll.

Rose ceremony time:
Lacy and Marcus, who share an uncomfortably long kiss
Sarah and Robert
AshLee and Graham
Michelle and Cody
Zack and Jackie (last-minute ditch effort, well-played sir)
Jesse and what's her nuts (kidding, Christy)

And I'm spent.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: catfights and solo dates. Literally, SOLO.

Now that Chris and Elise have left paradise/Clare-adise/Sarah-dise, we need some new blood in the mix. Enter Cody (beefcake blonde from Andi's season), Jesse Kovacs (Jillian's season) and Kalon (douchebag who told Emily Maynard her daughter was "baggage"). Michelle still has her hopes set on Robert, but he invites Sarah on a date so Michelle does the right thing and braids Sarah's hair beforehand. Sarah (who sure wears a lot of one-piece bathing suits) and Robert have fun, even doing the "I'm the king of the world" Titanic-style, off the side of the boat. (Are people really still doing this?)

Cody is only interested in Clare and asks her out. She hems and haws - what about Zack?! So she asks Zack what he would do in her position, and he gives a roundabout answer - "depends on who the girl is." Ouch. Clare is NOT amused. Nobody puts Clare in a corner. But Clare still turns Cody down and devotes her attention - and her smooches - to Zack. Cody decides to give his date card to the lovebirds Marcus and Lacy, and quickly turns to Michelle, who seems psyched to be wrapped in his gigantic arms, tank top be damned.

Poor Kalon rolls up and no one is excited to see him. Everyone hates him and no one wants to go on a date with him. Literally, no one. Michelle accepts, then declines. Jackie says no. Sarah says no. So what does Kalon do? He goes on the damn date by himself. And has a full-on conversation with himself and pretends to make out with himself. Might be the best match in the history of this show.

Jesse asks Jackie on a date, although it seems more about wanting a rose than wanting Jackie. Marquel is not amused, yet still manages to smile a lot.

AshLee talks shit about Clare to Zack when she thinks the cameras aren't rolling - the cameras are ALWAYS rolling, sweetie - tells him he should date other girls because Clare had sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Damn, girl! Zack doesn't care and knows this is about to cause WWIII - and he's right. AshLee tries to backpeddle her way out of it but word gets back to Clare and She. Ain't. Happy. Strong personality plus emotional mess equals trouble in paradise...Clare is mad at Zack (again) for not standing up for her, and AshLee tries to sweet-talk her way out of it with the fakest apology ever. "You did nothing wrong!" (No shit sherlock) "I'm soooo sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!" etc.
Sure, sure. And we know she meant it because immediately afterwards she stormed inside and said "what a BITCH!" under her breath. Which was once again caught on camera.

At the rose ceremony, Michelle feels it necessary to tell Graham the truth about AshLee, since he is the last to know what she said to Clare. And he is not amused. What should he do?!

Roses:
Lacy and Marcus
Clare and Zack
AshLee and...she offers it to Graham, he storms out, and the screen goes black.

To Be Continued. (tonight!!)

An ode to Slash.

Saw Aerosmith Friday night, which was fantastic (aside from Steven Tyler's weird mustache), but the highlight for me was the opening act: Slash. I was a little suprised he was the OPENER - Slash opens for no one! - but when he played Sweet Child of Mine and Paradise City, I was in heaven. I am sort of in love with him. I have NO IDEA why, but damn.

Speaking of one-night stands, Sunday morning around 9am I was walking the dog and saw two girls leaving my building in what could only be the most amazing walk of shame outfits ever. At first glance, I thought they were going to church, but when I got closer I realized that would be a hell no. They were both tottering around on super high heels and super short dresses - one of which was gold sequins. Amazing. NOT amazing grace.

Challenge accepted.

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has taken social media by storm. Celebrities are doing it. Athletes are doing it. Friends' kids are doing it. I know it's pretty overdone at this point, but it has raised over $40 million for ALS, so I say keep on keeping on, ice bucketeers. No one has challenged ME, but we're doing it at work today, so no worries.

I did have a slight bucket issue yesterday - a co-worker told me to go buy pickle buckets from a local sandwich shop. I stupidly thought they would WASH the buckets. But no. I had to drive back to work with the windows down, nearly crying and simultaneously gagging over the pungent odor. (Note: I do not like pickles. And now never will.)

Back at the office, someone told me I should leave coffee grounds in the car to evaporate the smell. So I did. And someone else gave me some extra-strength Febreze, so I sprayed that around in there as well. Nervous for a coffee-pickle-baby powder stench, I didn't know what to expect when getting into my car last night. But all good. It's a little coffee-ish, but thank god that pickle smell went away. #icebucketfail

Can you get pregnant from a side hug?

You better hope so, because one of the Duggar girls (from 19 kids and counting) who got married two months ago has announced she is pregnant with baby #1 (of probably 15). Impressive stuff, considering the couple had never even kissed before their wedding day. Way to make up for lost time, kids!

Ew

You know vacation is over when the tan starts to peel. A moment that is both sad and totally disgusting.

#itsnotdandruffiswear

Bachelor in Paradise recap: lots of shame in this game

This episode brought to you by a little town called Campeche, Mexico, where all four dates took place - at least two of which at the same table, it looked like. The group is a little shaken by the last rose ceremony, but Michelle thinks she has a future with Marquel. That is, until Danielle arrives with a date card and invites him on a date, since she's been crushing on him and tells him so. Michelle quickly moves on to Robert, but Sarah isn't amused since she went out on a limb and offered him her rose (that still makes me giggle) when she could have given it to Dylan. Robert is convinced Sarah is there for the right reasons (take a drink!), but Michelle is pretty too...#conundruminparadise

Marquel and Danielle hit the pool (in Campeche, of course) and almost get struck by lightning, but apparently Marquel doesn't get the metaphor because he is excited to go on the next date (also in Campeche) with Jackie, who is another new arrival. Methinks Marquel likes fresh meat. He and Jackie vow they don't kiss on the first date, and then kiss. Alrighty.

Crazy Elise gets a date card and invites Dylan Chris, who has somehow sprained his ACL and is in a lot of pain. But he accepts, knowing the odds of getting lucky are in his favor. Theirs is an overnight date, and although they are not offered a fantasy suite but instead two separate room keys, Chris takes the opportunity to create a fantasy suite. Hey-oh. We see Elise walking around the room in a towel and some smooching sounds before Chris says "Ouch, my knee!" Greatness. They end the date the next morning at the hospital, with Elise wearing a super inappropriate outfit. Talk about your walk of shame.

Graham and AshLee go on the exact same date (literally), but Graham was having doubts beforehand. He doesn't understand how AshLee could claim him without even asking him - maybe he wants to get to know other girls! But AshLee, who continues to tell the camera she's not crazy, knows she and Graham are meant to be - she follows him on Instagram, for god's sake! (NOTE: so do I.) Graham seems a bit afraid of her, which he probably should be, so agrees to the date. He seems even more afraid when he learns of her cyberstalking, and pulls the gentleman card by saying they should NOT share a room (gentleman or just scared - you be the judge), but they still dance (or at least AshLee dances for him) and smooch in front of a mariachi band. AshLee is enamored by his polite ways, and says she wants to take things slow as well - and have his babies. Sheesh. Subtle.

Marcus and Lacy continue to grow closer - Michelle says they should just go ahead and get engaged - and Clare and Zack do as well, although Zack seemed excited about Jackie's arrival but accepted his preordained fate of being with a psycho. (This is clearly a common theme.)

Time for the rose ceremony.

Marcus and Lacy
Zack and Clare
Graham and AshLee
Marcus and Jackie (ooh, sorry Danielle)
Robert and Sarah (ooh, sorry Michelle)
Chris and Elise - but wait! He can't give her his rose (heehee). He has to go home to take care of his knee. But would she join him? After knowing him for three days? You bet she would! Dylan who? The others think she is kind of insane for jumping in this quickly, but that's silly. She is COMPLETELY insane. Chris instead offers the rose to Michelle, who he believes deserves a shot at finding love. Aw.

So Danielle leaves alone, and Chris and Elise leave together, apparently. Curious to know how long that lasted. Or didn't.

Surfer Girl

Surfing was AMAZEBALLS. Like seriously the coolest thing I have ever done. It took my about 4 tries to get up, but after that I stood up every time. I had one nasty wipeout where I fell on my shoulder onto the hard sand, and it's possibly dislocated because it still really hurts, but totally worth it. I will say the full-body wetsuit, while warm, is not very flattering. And it was nice to see that even the really good surfers (including the grandson of the Body Glove creator - literally the first wetsuit - who was out there at the same time) wipe out too. The ocean brakes for no man.  And happy to report I did not see any sharks. I decided not to ask my instructor if she had seen any, because I knew I would be terrified by the answer.

Hour and a half lesson and I'm totally hooked. Sign me up for surf camp in Costa Rica - who's with me?? Surf is UP, dudes.

California dreaming

A few things that I have noticed after two days at the beach:

There are a lot of people at the beach, playing volleyball, surfing, eating at restaurants,etc. in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. They can't all be tourists, so it seems not a lot of people have actual jobs.

In typical hippie California style, I have passed a bazillion yoga studios (and seen yoga classes on the beach), plus parking spots complete with charging stations for electric cars.

California girls are easy to spot, both because they are so tan and blonde, and because they just look cooler than I will ever be. One girl wheeled past me on a skateboard wearing nothing but a tiny bikini, and looked fantastic.

Oh, and I managed to step in tar on my very first beach outing. I guess I am LITERALLY a Tar Heel now. (Gotta make jokes, cause that shit isn't coming off.)

More bounce in California

Cali is great so far - started a bit rocky when the airport shuttle went to the wrong airport in Dallas, but turns out the other girl in the van was leaving from there. Heart attack averted. Then I got here and realized I somehow forgot to pack a brush and deodorant, both of which are fairly necessary, but luckily there's a CVS in walking distance so I've been there twice already. Today I'm going to rent a bike and cruise down to Venice Beach and Manhattan Beach, and tomorrow is the big surfing lesson. Eeks. #hangten

California here we come

Off to Hermosa Beach for a little vacay. Semi-sad that it's a solo vacation, but I don't really mind. (And not to worry - I bought one of those selfie extenders so I'll look like a complete jackass on the beach, taking pictures of myself.) I plan on cruising the boardwalk, biking to Santa Monica, renting a stand-up paddle board and taking my first surfing lesson (unfortunately timed with Shark Week). Should be beachy and relaxing and considering I haven't been to LA since I lived there in 2000, I'm pretty psyched to - in the immortal words of LL Cool J - be goin back to Cali. #lalaland

Kids say the darndest things

An SVP  brought her daughter to work today. She spied me and waved, so I invited her to come to my office to help me "work." I asked how old she was - "four and three-quarters." (aw) She was overjoyed by the array of stress balls and toys I have at my desk, and hoarded them all immediately. She looked at me, all serious, and asked, "Do you have a baby?" I said no. "Do you have kids?" I said no. "Then I can have all of these?" Ummm I guess so. Makes a pretty valid argument for someone not quite 5. And now my desk looks soooo clean.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: #YOPO

(That's "You Only Paradise Once," which is apparently a thing. Among the 14 people on this show. #sigh)

This episode has a TON of crazy, starting with the very beginning. We learn that Michelle K (who left before the rose ceremony on her own last week) was having a not-so-secret rendezvous involving dental floss with the unfortunately named crew member Ryan Putz. (Seriously?! His last name is Putz?! Amazing.) We are then treated to a very sad and bizarre reenactment, which doesn't seem necessary - I can just explain it to you. After the rose ceremony, Michelle slams the door in host Chris Harrison's face not once, but twice ("He's only the HOST!"), and when another producer knocks the next day, Ryan is in the room with Michelle and panics, deciding to JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. And breaks both feet or ankles (we next see him in a hospital room with casts on both legs.) Holy crap. What a putz.

Back to the people still on the show...time for some new blood, and by that I mean more dudes in paradise! Chris Bukowski is back, people. He has now appeared on four iterations of this show, which has got to be A. some kind of record and 2. a fact that makes me very sad. He of course has a date card, and asks Clare to get pampered (aka couples massage!), and since Clare is desperate to make a connection with anyone at this point, she enjoys the rubdown.

Dylan is beginning to feel smothered by crazy Elise and tells her they should "see other people." Since most of these "other people" are coupled up, Elise has little choice but to pounce on Chris, who is back from his date with Clare and jumps at the chance to do "sexually amazing things" to Elise in the ocean for all to witness. Once Dylan finds out, he is not amused (even though Elise says she was thinking of him the whole time?!) and is pretty over the whole Elise thing, telling her not to offer him a rose (burn!). But since she's crazy, Elise sees this as just a little bump in the road. #foreshadowing

Time for another new arrival: Zack! I barely remember Zack, but clearly Clare does - she squeals that she's been waiting for him and leaps into his arms. Clare says Zack is low maintenance and drama free, which is good since she is the opposite of those things. And I guess she's over the Chris couples massage? And the ruins date with Robert? And Graham? But I digress. Zack has a date card, and chooses Clare. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Elise can't stop talking about her "relationship" with Dylan, and how everything is going just as she had hoped (what the hell is wrong with this girl?!). Chris is not amused that his chosen gf is mooning over someone he has nicknamed "Fat Damon" (the plumped up version of Matt Damon). But Dylan doesn't care - he wants to date Sarah and offers her the date card. Sarah is torn - Elise is her best friend - but agrees to dinner and they have a lovely time. Elise is a little pissed - "I told them they could go on a date, but not fall in love!" and has yet another DTR chat with Dylan on the beach. He again pushes her towards Chris, and she makes him repeat himself about 18 times. She refuses to grasp what he's trying to say, telling him"You are LITERALLY killing me!" Um, that is not the proper use of the word "literally." Isn't this chick a school teacher??

Marcus rifles through Ben's bag stumbles upon a love letter written to Ben from a seeming girlfriend back home in Dallas, and he and Marquel decide to confront yet another contestant there "for the wrong reasons." Which really should be a drinking game. Ben cops to being in love, and can't understand why this is so upsetting to everyone. (I can't understand why this makes Michelle Money sob, but whatever - it's not always sunny in Paradise, thanks Elise.) Ben packs his bags, bids farewell to Hollywood and vows never to be on TV again. #sure

Now that those there for the wrong reasons have departed (take a shot), it's time for the rose ceremony.

Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Clare and Zack
Michelle and Marquel (tricky, since Marquel told her she drinks too much!)
Elise and Dylan. Who turns her down. As he said he would. Prompting a very awkward and crazy speech from Elise. Who I hope was drunk but somehow don't think so. And then turns and offers the rose to Chris. Who accepts. Elise and Chris, everyone!
Sarah and Robert. Dylan is surprised he didn't get the nod, but Sarah probably realized Elise would never let up until someone was dead or married, so time to shoot the hostage.

Next week, new faces and more Chris Bukowski dramz. Because why not.
#yopo

"How rude!"

For some godforsaken reason, my latest email sign-off at work has been:

You got it, dude!

 Sorry to all.

Fuzzy Navels and Dojos

Went to see the Molly Ringwalds (80s cover band - yay!) on Saturday night, and it was awesome. Each member of the band dresses up like someone from the 80s (PeeWee Herman, Twisted Sister, Johnny from Karate Kid, Devo, etc.) They even served wine coolers, which were just as delicious as I remember. But the band kept talking about their new album, which was on sale now. And then played a song by Flock of Seagulls that is on the new album. Soooo it's a new album of 80s songs? Love it.

What I don't love? That Kim Kardashian is putting out a book of 352 selfies. The fact that it's titled "Selfish" is fairly amazing, though.

"It's all happening."

Went and watched my brother Cole play with the Riverboat Gamblers last night in a club in Deep Ellum. I haven't been to Deep Ellum in like 15 years, so wasn't really sure what to expect. Here, a few highlights:

I parked in a lot and the parking attendant told me that my car was her favorite. I felt this was a good sign that it would be a safe place to leave the car. Then thought it might be a sign that she would steal my car, but whatever.

I was "on the list" at the door and didn't have to buy a ticket. This was very exciting - I am very rarely on any sort of list. I got to hang out with Cole and meet the band before they went on, which was super cool.

99% of the crowd (and the band) was wearing black t-shirts and jeans, so my Tory Burch leopard dress and giant lime green purse stood out like a sore thumb (or, in more rock and roll terms, like a middle finger). I thought about buying a Gamblers t-shirt, but checked out the merch table and asked my brother if the shirts came in other colors besides black. He rolled his eyes - no, they did not. I took some "I'm-a-little-too-excited-to-be-here-look-that's-my-brother" photos and sipped water like the punk rock chick I am.

Cole told me I would NOT like the band playing after his. He started describing them as 80s punk rock, and my eyes got wide - I LOVE the 80s! But he said not this 80s. Apparently they used to just get on stage and do heroin. Not really my scene. (But that is SO 80s.)

I edged my way out of the club and was overjoyed to find my car still parked in the parking space. Wild night in Deep Ellum - partied like it's 1999. Literally.