Fast and Furious

Rode in my first Tesla last night. Sadly, the concierge in my building had to tell me what kind of car it was. (And yes, I'm aware of how hoity-toity both of those sentences sound.) It was a pretty sweet ride - and the screen inside was bigger than my television. So there's that. #andievenjustupgradedmytv

Can I at least have one of these?

So I tried this out:

And got "success," "beauty" and "money." Hmmm. At least my superficiality is consistent?

Sir Isaac would be proud.

Randomly had a craving for Fig Newtons the other day. Probably haven't eaten a Fig Newton since the 80s, so not sure where that came from. And they were as tasty as I remember. I kept thinking of the commercial with the little British kid: "It's not a cookie, mother - it's fruit and cake!"

Was regaling this interesting (or not) story to my co-worker, and she asked, "What's in those? Prunes?" And I said, "Well, I think it's figs..." And a light went off as she burst out laughing. You know, because it's in the name...

Bachelor recap: camping virgins and virgins camping

Another thrilling week in the mansion. Chris Harrison tells the girls Bachelor Chris' sisters will be visiting soon, but a group date takes precedence! Told they are going to "do what feels natural," many of the more superficial gals (Ashley I, looking at you babe) start to freak out a little. But Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey are ready to brave the great outdoors in teeny bikinis and short shorts. Because it's a day at the lake! Which leads Ashley I, who reminds us that she is a virgin and shy, to take off her top. Which then leads Kaitlyn to take off her bottoms. Black bar and it's not for Jillian?! (that will come later, not to worry) But Kelsey is NOT having fun. Realizing this is a date for "bimbos" (#truth), she pouts and bitches about how gross the lake is and how she wants to go home. Even more so when she gets stung by a bee on her inner thigh.

Back at the house, Chris' sisters arrive to chat with the remaining girls (Whitney, Britt, Carly, Becca, Jade and a snoring Jillian (whose black-barred bikini is back - YES). Jillian throws on a towel (thank god) to meet her potential future sisters in law, who are deciding which girl will get the one-on-one Cinderfella date. Very glad it's not Carly, who wishes Chris was like her grandpa. Um, what? Jade gets the date, complete with fairy godmother/stylist, free Louboutins and of course Neil Lane jewels. And a plug from Disney's Cinderella.

But back to the lake date and a weird game of Red Rover, which leads to Chris telling the ladies they are camping out! Ashley I is so NOT an outdoorsy girl - she admits she is a camping virgin and also a virgin camping. HEY-OH. We see evidence of at least the first one when she and Mackenzie try to pitch a tent. Probably because it involves putting sticks in holes. HEY-OH AGAIN.

Everyone gathers around the campfire with some whisky (because that's a normal campout), which I would like to blame for Ashley S's bizarre campfire songs and general behavior, but I'm afraid she's like that sober. She has a weird chat with Chris - thank god for subtitles - and then goes in for a smooch and tells him she loves him. Thank god she ends with "you don't have to say anything in regards to that," because he is speechless. #metoo

The group date rose went to Kaitlyn, but Ashley I isn't satisfied. She wants to make sure Chris knows she's a virgin and has never had a boyfriend. Because she's wife material, not a hookup girl. Sure. So Ashley and her eyelashes creep into sleeping Chris' tent and tries to have a conversation, which he doesn't understand, and it once again ends in a makeout sesh. She feels like she got her message across, and if not "he can probe that area later on." Are we SURE this chick is a virgin??

It's the Ashley I show, and she is NOT pleased that Jade gets the Cinderella date - she's a hopeless romantic Disney princess, duh. She even puts on HER ballgown dress and pouts around the house, eating corn on the cob. #wtf

But Jade is whisked away to the "ball" and has a romantic dinner date with Chris, ending with dancing and smooching in front of a live orchestra (and more scenes from Cinderella). She gets the rose and they both could see this fairy tale coming true. The clock strikes twelve, and clearly the producers tell Jade she has to run (a la Cinderella). The whole time I'm so nervous she is going to trip down the stairs and break an ankle - or god forbid, a Loub.

The second group date card finds Jillian, Nikki, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca in wedding gowns. But instead of flying to Vegas for a quickie ceremony, they're off to San Francisco to run Muckfest, a muddy obstacle race for MS awareness. Jillian is PUMPED - she's in it to win it. And win it she does, by a landslide. She kisses both of her bulging biceps, grabs her crotch and spits. (I may have imagined the last two, but could totally see it happening.)

Her prize? Date night with Chris. I'm just shocked that the black bar isn't used - girl's game is fading. But all she does at dinner is talk, Micro Machine speed, about fitness, and then would you rathers him: "sex with a crazy homeless woman or no sex for five years?" Instead of answering her, Chris grabs the rose and wishes her the best. Peace out, black bar.

At the cocktail party, Megan grabs Chris for a weird 9 1/2 weeks-inspired game of "testing his five senses by making him use three of them: taste, smell and I don't know the other one." Classic Megan. She feeds him chocolate covered fruits and makes him guess what they are. Tough game.

Ashley I, in the same dress from the night before, is stressing big-time about the v-card. She finally tells Chris the truth, and you could knock him over with a feather, he is so shocked by this revelation. Not bothered by it, mind you - but shocked. But he doesn't kiss her, which leads AI to believe he is mad and no longer attracted because she's so innocent. Ummmm. She keeps crying, so finally all the girls learn she's a virgin. Carly is surprised, since she has seen her make out with him 13,000 times: "Her MOUTH isn't a virgin." Oh snap. But wait - there's ANOTHER virgin in the house! Becca! Holy plot twist.

We don't have time to deal with that fallout right now, because Britt is busy pissing Chris off by asking him why he keeps giving roses to Kaitlyn - is it because she took off her bikini bottoms? Because that's what ALL the girls are saying. (Are they?!) Chris tells all the ladies he is here for the right reasons (drink!), and if they disagree they can leave. It doesn't look good for Britt.

But only Juelia, Nikki and crazytown Ashley S are given the boot. Ashley S's farewell speech is amazing - she has no feelings! And then starts hooting! Someone give this chick her own show. Or some meds. But Juelia's exit is a tearjerker. You can tell all the girls really care about her, and so does Chris. I sort of expect them to remain friends after this. But probably not.

Next week, dramz with Kelsey - including a medical emergency! Sadly, I can't wait.

Bball on the brain. And on the phone.

I find it incredibly amusing that my iphone auto-corrects DOOK to DOOM. I mean, same difference.

The Mac Dad'll make ya...

Our Cabo hotel was right on the marina, and whenever the giant party catamaran would set sail, they would play "Sailing" by Christopher Cross (not to be confused with Kriss Kross). Every. Single. Time. So lame and yet awesome. I sort of looked forward to it by the end. Sort of.

He had a dream, but this is a nightmare

On Monday, Jimmy Kimmel revealed that seven of the 14 people he interviewed on the street thought Martin Luther King, Jr. was still alive and that he gave a speech (on MLK Day, of all days!). Seriously people. This is not going to help with the stereotype of stupid Americans.

Check it out here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2015/01/20/jimmy-kimmel-found-a-lot-of-people-who-claimed-to-have-watched-a-live-mlk-speech-on-monday/

Sisqo would be proud.

Grabbed a sweatshirt out of the dryer this morning to go walk the dog, and when we got back up I saw something lying in the middle of the hall in front of my door. Realized with horror that it was a (thankfully clean) thong that had apparently been stuck to the sweatshirt. Thank god it was 5am and I doubt anyone saw it. Still - a mortifying way to start the day.

Bachelor recap: "Stayin' classy" with the black bar. And lots of making out.

The Bachelor may have finally jumped the shark by adding Jimmy Kimmel to the mix, but I for one found it incredibly amusing. He started things off by waking Chris from his shirtless slumber and he's clearly confused and "what the f--k" have I gotten myself into. I rather enjoyed it. Then Kimmel does two things we have all wanted to do for many many years - calls the women "sister wives" - AND creates an "amazing" jar where each time a woman (or Chris) says amazing, they have to put in a dollar. Needless to say, the jar was overflowing by the end of the episode. And the constant "ka-ching" sound when anyone said it was greatness.

Kimmel is in charge of the dates this week, so the first one-on-one goes to Kaitlyn. The date card says they will be going to an exclusive club, which turns out to be Costco. Thank you Jesus. I personally have had a great date at Costco, so I know it can be done. Kimmel instructs Chris and Kaitlyn to buy supplies to cook him dinner that night - including "enough ketchup to fill a hot tub." They oblige, and have one helluva good time rolling down the aisles in a giant inflatable ball (which they also made out in - and I was getting claustrophobic for them). They have more makeout sessions before Jimmy comes over, and realize that Chris has a girl laugh, and Kaitlyn has a man laugh. This is a true statement, people. Kaitlyn's manliness continues as she tells Kimmel she is fine with Chris sleeping with other girls on the show because "you can't take a car out without test driving it first." Cue the threesome jokes and all three of them in the hot tub together.

The group date is next, and Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly are ready to try their luck - and their best "that's what she saids" - with some barnyard animals. The ladies must shuck corn, grab eggs from a chicken coop, crack the egg (without breaking the yolk - sorry, Mackenzie), milk a goat and drink the milk, shovel manure and wrestle a greased pig. Holy farmer stereotyping. This little "race" made for lots of innuendo - from Carly showing us how she milks the goat by making some inappropriate hand gestures to Amber, who complains, watching Kelsey struggling to drink the goat milk: "I don't like warm, salty things in my mouth." HEY-OH

Carly beats out the ever-competitive Jillian, once again in shorts so tiny they require a black bar on her ass, and ironically in a shirt that says "Stay Classy." But poor Carly doesn't win a one-on-one date; only an opportunity to pose with Chris in the American Gothic painting. I preferred the one of Chris and Jimmy.

The second portion of the group date should be brought to you by Colgate, since there is more making out than I was comfortable with. From Carly, telling Chris she's really girly but "you're a man, I'm a woman..." and pouncing on him, to Mackenzie, pulling a SNL Chris Farley with "remember that time we kissed?" and then turning the tables with a "why are you kissing everyone else?!" AACK cue the psycho song. Chris doesn't do well in these pressure convos, btw. Lots of nervous giggles and sweating. Nice. But he does shine in the making out arena, as he also manages to kiss Amber and Jillian - but NOT Becca. She gets pretty close, but decides to tell him she doesn't want to rush things. I'm thinking she will be getting the boot for not getting booty, but he instead gives Becca the rose. Well played, B. And excellent reaction face by Ashley S - which, it has to be noted, is the only crazy thing she has done on this date. Sobreity does not make for good TV.

The last date card goes to Chipmunk-voiced Whitney, and she and Chris are wearing matching pink outfits. She tells Chris that she makes friends with people at the airport, and then becomes Facebook friends with them. I find this sad; Chris is intrigued. They decide to crash a wedding that is coincidentally going on behind them. I find this very hard to believe that A. it would just happen to be at the same time and 2. that not one person at the wedding would recognize him. So I'm choosing to think that Nick and Shannon are related to a producer, or work on the show, or this whole thing is a bunch of actors. Regardless, it's a very fun date - although I prefer to wedding crash with Vince Vaughn - and lots of kissing results. Whit doesn't snag the bouquet, but she does get the rose, and both Whitney and Chris even get misty-eyed thinking about their own future wedding....#foreshadow??

A nice shower scene ensues, starrring Chris and...Jimmy. They've got each other's backs. With a loofah. Can Jimmy be on every episode? No cocktail party before the rose ceremony, which bums Ashley I. out because she wanted to get all "Kardashian-ed." Ohhhh no. But instead? POOL PARTY! (Thanks Megan) Which of course means black bars on Jillian's butt and then lots of tears. From Juelia, telling her very sad husband-suicide story, to Ashley I., whining because Jillian's ass overstayed its welcome in the hot tub (how DARE she). But Ashley gets a full-on makeout sesh (literally they almost fall off the roof), as does Jade (in Chris' bed! Damn girl! With her boob out and not black barred!), Britt (who won't even let Chris finish his sentence, poor bastard), and Jillian again.

Rose ceremony time, and Amber, Tracy and Trina are sent packing. I don't even remember who Trina is.

Off to buy a Stay Classy shirt...

So much for that Starbucks endorsement deal.

My mind is blown. The lyrics of Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" are not at all what I imagined.

What I heard: "All the lonely Starbucks lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane..." which makes no sense, but it sure is a nice plug for the coffee mecca.

The actual lyrics: Got a long list of ex-lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane..." which makes much more sense, but I can't believe I got this so wrong. Although I know I'm not alone. You lonely Starbucks lovers know what I'm talking about. #ventidrip

Live from New York

I can't believe this year marks the 40th anniversary of SNL. Not that I really watch it much anymore, but I certainly grew up with it. From "Jane, you ignorant slut" to the Church Lady to Wayne's World to Schweddy Balls, it has made me laugh out loud many times.

Doing some research, and learned that Alec Baldwin has hosted the most times (16!), and Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt have NEVER hosted, which seems odd. Although Tom is odd, so there you go.

Made the list(s) and checked it twice

Feeling pretty pumped about my schooling this week. My middle school/high school was ranked #11 in the Top 50 Most Elite Boarding Schools in the country, and my undergrad was ranked #5 in the list of Top Public Colleges in America. These facts do make me suspect I should be much more successful than I am, however... #sorrymomanddad

Penny for your thoughts. And your lotion.

Found Body Shop Peppermint Foot Lotion yesterday at Ulta. I haven't seen/used it since the 90s, but always really liked it. Plus, it was on sale. Normally $16, on sale for $5. Helluva deal. An even hotter than helluva deal awaited me at the checkout line - the lotion rang up for $0.01. Yes, one cent. What the hell. I'm sure it wasn't correct, but who am I to complain. Went home and thoroughly enjoyed slathering my tootsies with my new lotion. It was worth every penny. Hey-oh.

Bachelor recap: Zombies and bikini tractor races and drunks, oh my

Last night's episode made me not like Prince Farming as much. I can only hope and pray that he's making these decisions because the producers tell him to, because otherwise his judgement is questionable. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We open back at the first rose ceremony, with Kimberly marching back in to tell Chris she needs to talk to him. She doesn't feel she got a fair shake and wants another chance to make a first (or really any) impression. For some reason (producers?!), Chris is okay with this pathetic plea and brings her back into the fold. The girls all half-heartedly clap (Jillian only allows for a slow clap, which she clearly doesn't understand since it's meant to be for good moments) and roll their eyes behind the scenes in front of the camera.

It's time for the dates! Chris Harrison makes the mistake of telling the ladies the Farmer is their neighbor, so you just know there will be some stalking/trespassing/breaking and entering to come. (#truth) The first date card arrives: "Show me your country!" and Jade, Tandra, Ashley I (aka spider lashes), Mackenzie (who looks more and more like Natalie Portman to me, aside from the fact that she's conveniently wearing shortalls), Kimberly and Tara (sober for now) are off to what they think is a pool party, since they're all in bikinis. But no - they must walk around downtown LA in their bathing suits to a tractor race. I totally got a Footloose vibe here - the game of chicken Ren and the bad dude play? "Holding out for a Hero" was playing in my mind until one girl quoted from the wrong 80s movie with "I feel the need, the need for speed!" But according to Chris, they were all piddling along at a snail's pace. Yawn. Ashley I. wins and gets some one-on-one time in Chris' lap. She feels confident she will get the rose. But there's a twist - Chris comes back to the group and announces that Mackenzie gets the rest of the date and everyone else has to go home.

Speaking of home, we see Megan and Jillian sneak over to Chris' bachelor pad (literally) and break in while he's not home. Megan running into the wall to "test" out his motorcycle helmet was overshadowed by Jillian's interesting choice of bikini bottoms:

Seriously - a black bar front and back?! What in the world is she wearing. Or NOT wearing, as the case may be.

Mackenzie is super weird at dinner and tells Chris she likes guys with big noses - like his. Odd choice of pick-up lines. As was her next topic: aliens. This is where I was hoping Chris would send her on her merry way. But no - after showing him some baby pics of her kid, she gets the rose. And five-seven kisses, as she has no problem relaying back to the girls at the house.

Megan gets the next date card, but is confused - is this just a love note? Oh, Megan. You should watch the show before you go on. She is so excited, she's shaking - and wishes we could feel her insides. No thank you. But her date is pretty cool - a helicopter ride (duh) to the Grand Canyon for a picnic. Um, yes please. This clearly excites Megan as well, who tells the camera the butterflies in her stomach are colorful and smiling. Ummmm.

But again, Chris gives her the rose, after her sad story about her father passing away. I mean that's sad and everything, but come on people.

One final date card arrives for Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S (aka CRAZYPANTS), Juelia (who we just learn is a widow whose husband killed himself and left her to raise their daughter), Kaitlyn and Britt (aka Topanga). These lucky ladies get the romantic date of killing zombies with paintballs. Good lord. Could not be a worse date, but I assume producers just wanted to put a gun in Ashley's hands. She did inquire about shooting members of her team, and was told repeatedly to only shoot the zombies.

This date really highlights the crazy that is Ashley. From believing she is in Mesa Verde (had to look this up - it's a national park, so doubt it looks much like a zombie deathzone), to telling Chris she wants to play hide and seek but then not really, to realizing the truth "BOOM!" to crawling on all fours talking to a feral cat. I have to wonder if she is severely medicated or really needs to be. Please god send this poor girl home.

Chris has some bonding (and lip-locking) time with Kaitlyn and Britt (even reciprocates her "free hug" card with a "free kiss from Chris" one - aw), and Kaitlyn gets the rose.

Finally rose ceremony time, but some of the ladies are feeling nervous and desperate. Ashley I, in particular. She is dressed very much like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, complete with genie lamp-shaped belly button ring. (What. Why.) She divulges to a few girls that she has never had a boyfriend and is, in fact, a virgin - which makes Mackenzie super jealous because "all guys want to take your virginity," duh. Man I love this show. So the princess snags some one-on-one time with Chris and lets him rub her belly button ring and make a wish (at this point I almost had to stop watching). He of course wishes to kiss her, and what results does NOT look virginal in any way. There was tongue, there was groping, he even started to lay on top of her. If this girl IS a virgin, she's not a very good one.

All this kissing is contagious - Jordan is super drunk and decides she needs to smooch Chris too. But she's so drunk. She keeps pursing her lips and making duckface to the camera (even almost makes out with the cameraman at one point). But after she flops down next to Chris, it gets super awkward and no makeout is had. (Thank god)

Time to hand out roses. The poor ladies going home are Tandra, Kimberly (for the second time - ouch), Alissa, and our token drunkies Jordan and Tara, who starts bawling and makes a very dramatic exit. Why he gave a rose to crazy Ashley is beyond me. Seriously.

Next week, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance. Let's hope he'll do mean Bachelor tweets.

Mexico: 1; Sarah: 0

Cabo was fab(o), until yesterday at the airport. I had started to feel a bit iffy on the shuttle ride over, and by the time I wheeled my bags over to the check-in kiosk, I knew I was going down quickly. I started sweating profusely, and could tell I was about to faint because I couldn't hear and everything went white. I had to stop checking in and limped blindly (literally) to the bathroom, because I figured I would rather pass out in the bathroom than in the middle of the airport. Puked and splashed water in my face (I was so sweaty it didn't make much of a difference). Then reemerged and had to wait in line at the kiosk again.  Could barely stand and some airport official had to help me check in. A kind girl from the wedding happened to see me and ran to get me a bottle of water (thank you, Elizabeth!). I chugged it and got in line to check my bag. Three from the front, I knew I had to puke again so lost my place in line and ran back to the bathroom. Then got back in line and started to worry that I might miss my plane. Because THAT would make me feel tons better. (Sarcasm, obvi) Managed to get through that line and security, but when in line to board I started to feel faint again. Back came the sweats, the white light, and the inability to stand. But I knew I had to get on the plane, dammit. So I stumbled down the ramp, unable to see much of anything. I'm sure I looked like I had the plague (maybe I did!). Luckily I swapped my seat from middle to aisle just in case, but I didn't get sick again. Had a fairly terrible night, feeling god awful, but managed to get to work today. Good lord, Mexico. Montezuma's Revenge is no joke.

Shivering away in margaritaville

Headed to Cabo, and the most stressful part is what to wear when the city you leave is 18 degrees and your destination is 85. Opting for layers, since wearing a sundress might provide some super weird looks. And frostbite.

Viva Mexico!

On shaky ground (or not)

Apparently there were at least three earthquakes in Dallas yesterday, and I felt none of them. Not that I wanted to, necessarily, but it would at least be interesting to experience...alas. In the meantime, these awesome memes are going around. Genius. #dallasearthquake

Bachelor Recap: Hay ladies

First of all, three hours is NOT necessary for the Bachelor. Hell, two hours is not necessary. But this whole red carpet/live premiere nonsense was dumb. And this is coming from someone who actually watches the show. They bring in cast members from past seasons, dress them up like it's the damn Oscars (nice tiara, Erika Rose) and parade them down a red carpet in front of hundreds (tens?) of screaming fans. And Chris Harrison, doing his best Chris Harrison impression, pulls a few aside for "important" chats. Like when are Sean and Catherine having a baby? (2016) When are Lacy and Marcus getting married? (80-40 sometime this summer. Please tell me she is joking and just repeating her slip-up from Bachelor in Paradise. Or maybe she really doesn't know math at all.) What is the deal with Nikki and Juan Pablo? (I found her boring and tuned out this convo, sorry.) We even meet a few lovely ladies from Arlington, Iowa (Chris' hometown), all of whom are wearing their best and biggest statement necklaces for life in the big city.

But let's get back to the man with the farmer's tan and his hoes. (Farming or otherwise.) We are reminded that Chris is a rich guy in a small town and loves his family and loves the harvest. We are treated to the first of many metaphors about love and farming, and I am treated to my first of many gags. Beefcake Cody even makes a (shirtless) cameo as Chris' trainer. Not really sure why, but I'm not sure why they do most of the things they do on this show.

It's finally time to meet the ladies. They do a classic fake-out this time, bringing only 15 women in at first. For some reason this freaks the hell out of the girls - um, enjoy it! Take some extra one-on-one time while you can! They include:

Britt: Waitress who gives away free hugs. Including the longest hug in the history of time that made me very uncomfortable. But clearly Chris is a hugger - she got the damn first impression rose. And the first kiss. Holy chemistry, hugman.

Whitney: Fertility nurse with a voice that belongs in the Chipmunks. Awkwardly asks Chris if he inseminates pigs so they can have something in common. Lordy. Rose.

Kelsey: Adorable school counselor from Austin who is a 28-year-old widow. She is my favorite, probably because I too am rocking the short bob. Rose.

Megan: All I remember is blonde and busting out of the strapless dress. Clearly this is what Chris remembers - rose.

Ashley I: Reminds me of Camila Alves. Rose.

Trina: ?? Rose

Reegan: Brings a cooler of a (hopefully fake) heart to joke about the fact that she sells cadaver tissue. Because that's hilarious. No rose.

Tara: Ohhhhhh Tara. The epitome of "bless her heart." She rolls out in Daisy Dukes, boots and a plaid shirt because she's a country girl, dammit! But then swiftly changes into a black dress and gets out of the limo again. Tara will later get so drunk that others will accuse her of smelling like whiskey, she burps and almost falls off the rose ceremony podium, but somehow - SOMEHOW! - gets a rose. WTF.

Amber: Brought a teddy bear. Alrighty. Rose.

Nikki: Says "literally" a lot. Literally just flew back from Peru. Literally found a heart-shaped rock there. Literally got a rose.

Amanda: Ballet dancer with an unfortunate Illinois accent who admits she is still single because she's "f--cking crazy." Also she doesn't like cleaning, cooking or paying bills, so good thing she lives at home. She tries for the secret admirer angle, but it flops. Even her big eyes can't save her. No rose.

Jillian: Bodybuilder by night, news producer by day - this chick's thighs could crack walnuts and she really likes showing off her biceps. Like multiple times. A little manly for me, but rose.

Mackenzie: 21-year-old single mom with a son named Kale. Like the vegetable. And her dress is green. Coincidence? After some odd watercolor session, she gets a rose.

Ashley S: CRAZYTOWN. The girl looks a bit off, and she is. Really likes onions (even ones that turn out to be pomegranates), and offers roses to other girls because she just needs to get to talk to Chris. Somehow, rose. This one will keep things interesting, which is probably why the producers made him keep her around.

Kaitlyn: CRAZYTOWN II. She tells Chris he can "plow the f--k out of my field any day!" Chris is taken aback and doesn't say anything, so Kaitlyn panics and wonders if she got his name wrong. No, he just has no idea what to say. Later she tells some walrus-Tupperware joke to the group with the punchline "find a tight seal," and it's on. Somehow, even after teaching Chris to dance, rose.

At this point Chris Harrison tells Chris Bachelor to go inside and mingle. Hence the 15 girls versus 25 girls drama. But since there's still like an hour left, we know there will be more women. And there are!

Samantha: #blessed. Rose

Michelle: Has two kids who are 7 and 6 (and she's 25, so you do the math). No rose.

Juelia: Um, it's Julia. Rose.

Becca: Chris loves her short sequin dress. (To be fair, lots of shorter dresses this time around. Thank god.) Rose.

Tandra: Rides in on a motorcycle. In a long dress. Rose.

Alissa: Flight attendant who gave a very embarrassing "No smoking allowed, unless you're smoking hot. Hey, Chris!" speech and brought a seatbelt for him because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Where's my barf bag. Rose.

Jordan: Busts out whiskey bottles for she and Chris to share. Which is foreshadowing that she's getting tipsy later... rose.

Nicole: Bless her heart #2. Shows up wearing a pig nose. To "ham it up." Oh no. No rose. Lesson learned.

Brittany: This chick is a WWE Diva in Training, according to her bio. And shows up wearing basically a negligee and gloves (??). She's holding a poster and I thought she was going to walk around the ring a la WWE, but it only said "#soulesmates." Sigh. No rose.

Carly: Busts out in a girlie pink dress and a toy karaoke machine, plus a sad little ditty that she sings to him. Then again, she's a cruise ship singer, so do we expect anything less? Rose.

Tracy: 4th grade teacher who brings cute notes from her students. Wise woman, although a few too
many cat lady references. Rose.

Bo: Plus-size model. No rose.

Kimberly: Yoga instructor. No rose, but she comes back in post-ceremony with a vengeance (to be continued??)...

Kara: Wears a dress meant for a Kentucky pageant. No rose.

Jade: I don't like her dress, but Chris thinks it is perfect. She's a front-runner, folks. Rose.

Scenes from this season include lots of tears. LOTS of tears. And of course an EMT, which is becoming commonplace. Let's DO this, farm fans!

I can once again look forward to Monday nights! (No offense, football fans)

The Bachelor is back! And I love that the promos are calling him "Prince Farming." It's so bad, it's fantastic.

And of course I'll be watching. And blogging.