Bachelor recap: camping virgins and virgins camping

Another thrilling week in the mansion. Chris Harrison tells the girls Bachelor Chris' sisters will be visiting soon, but a group date takes precedence! Told they are going to "do what feels natural," many of the more superficial gals (Ashley I, looking at you babe) start to freak out a little. But Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey are ready to brave the great outdoors in teeny bikinis and short shorts. Because it's a day at the lake! Which leads Ashley I, who reminds us that she is a virgin and shy, to take off her top. Which then leads Kaitlyn to take off her bottoms. Black bar and it's not for Jillian?! (that will come later, not to worry) But Kelsey is NOT having fun. Realizing this is a date for "bimbos" (#truth), she pouts and bitches about how gross the lake is and how she wants to go home. Even more so when she gets stung by a bee on her inner thigh.

Back at the house, Chris' sisters arrive to chat with the remaining girls (Whitney, Britt, Carly, Becca, Jade and a snoring Jillian (whose black-barred bikini is back - YES). Jillian throws on a towel (thank god) to meet her potential future sisters in law, who are deciding which girl will get the one-on-one Cinderfella date. Very glad it's not Carly, who wishes Chris was like her grandpa. Um, what? Jade gets the date, complete with fairy godmother/stylist, free Louboutins and of course Neil Lane jewels. And a plug from Disney's Cinderella.

But back to the lake date and a weird game of Red Rover, which leads to Chris telling the ladies they are camping out! Ashley I is so NOT an outdoorsy girl - she admits she is a camping virgin and also a virgin camping. HEY-OH. We see evidence of at least the first one when she and Mackenzie try to pitch a tent. Probably because it involves putting sticks in holes. HEY-OH AGAIN.

Everyone gathers around the campfire with some whisky (because that's a normal campout), which I would like to blame for Ashley S's bizarre campfire songs and general behavior, but I'm afraid she's like that sober. She has a weird chat with Chris - thank god for subtitles - and then goes in for a smooch and tells him she loves him. Thank god she ends with "you don't have to say anything in regards to that," because he is speechless. #metoo

The group date rose went to Kaitlyn, but Ashley I isn't satisfied. She wants to make sure Chris knows she's a virgin and has never had a boyfriend. Because she's wife material, not a hookup girl. Sure. So Ashley and her eyelashes creep into sleeping Chris' tent and tries to have a conversation, which he doesn't understand, and it once again ends in a makeout sesh. She feels like she got her message across, and if not "he can probe that area later on." Are we SURE this chick is a virgin??

It's the Ashley I show, and she is NOT pleased that Jade gets the Cinderella date - she's a hopeless romantic Disney princess, duh. She even puts on HER ballgown dress and pouts around the house, eating corn on the cob. #wtf

But Jade is whisked away to the "ball" and has a romantic dinner date with Chris, ending with dancing and smooching in front of a live orchestra (and more scenes from Cinderella). She gets the rose and they both could see this fairy tale coming true. The clock strikes twelve, and clearly the producers tell Jade she has to run (a la Cinderella). The whole time I'm so nervous she is going to trip down the stairs and break an ankle - or god forbid, a Loub.

The second group date card finds Jillian, Nikki, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca in wedding gowns. But instead of flying to Vegas for a quickie ceremony, they're off to San Francisco to run Muckfest, a muddy obstacle race for MS awareness. Jillian is PUMPED - she's in it to win it. And win it she does, by a landslide. She kisses both of her bulging biceps, grabs her crotch and spits. (I may have imagined the last two, but could totally see it happening.)

Her prize? Date night with Chris. I'm just shocked that the black bar isn't used - girl's game is fading. But all she does at dinner is talk, Micro Machine speed, about fitness, and then would you rathers him: "sex with a crazy homeless woman or no sex for five years?" Instead of answering her, Chris grabs the rose and wishes her the best. Peace out, black bar.

At the cocktail party, Megan grabs Chris for a weird 9 1/2 weeks-inspired game of "testing his five senses by making him use three of them: taste, smell and I don't know the other one." Classic Megan. She feeds him chocolate covered fruits and makes him guess what they are. Tough game.

Ashley I, in the same dress from the night before, is stressing big-time about the v-card. She finally tells Chris the truth, and you could knock him over with a feather, he is so shocked by this revelation. Not bothered by it, mind you - but shocked. But he doesn't kiss her, which leads AI to believe he is mad and no longer attracted because she's so innocent. Ummmm. She keeps crying, so finally all the girls learn she's a virgin. Carly is surprised, since she has seen her make out with him 13,000 times: "Her MOUTH isn't a virgin." Oh snap. But wait - there's ANOTHER virgin in the house! Becca! Holy plot twist.

We don't have time to deal with that fallout right now, because Britt is busy pissing Chris off by asking him why he keeps giving roses to Kaitlyn - is it because she took off her bikini bottoms? Because that's what ALL the girls are saying. (Are they?!) Chris tells all the ladies he is here for the right reasons (drink!), and if they disagree they can leave. It doesn't look good for Britt.

But only Juelia, Nikki and crazytown Ashley S are given the boot. Ashley S's farewell speech is amazing - she has no feelings! And then starts hooting! Someone give this chick her own show. Or some meds. But Juelia's exit is a tearjerker. You can tell all the girls really care about her, and so does Chris. I sort of expect them to remain friends after this. But probably not.

Next week, dramz with Kelsey - including a medical emergency! Sadly, I can't wait.