Bachelor recap: Zombies and bikini tractor races and drunks, oh my

Last night's episode made me not like Prince Farming as much. I can only hope and pray that he's making these decisions because the producers tell him to, because otherwise his judgement is questionable. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We open back at the first rose ceremony, with Kimberly marching back in to tell Chris she needs to talk to him. She doesn't feel she got a fair shake and wants another chance to make a first (or really any) impression. For some reason (producers?!), Chris is okay with this pathetic plea and brings her back into the fold. The girls all half-heartedly clap (Jillian only allows for a slow clap, which she clearly doesn't understand since it's meant to be for good moments) and roll their eyes behind the scenes in front of the camera.

It's time for the dates! Chris Harrison makes the mistake of telling the ladies the Farmer is their neighbor, so you just know there will be some stalking/trespassing/breaking and entering to come. (#truth) The first date card arrives: "Show me your country!" and Jade, Tandra, Ashley I (aka spider lashes), Mackenzie (who looks more and more like Natalie Portman to me, aside from the fact that she's conveniently wearing shortalls), Kimberly and Tara (sober for now) are off to what they think is a pool party, since they're all in bikinis. But no - they must walk around downtown LA in their bathing suits to a tractor race. I totally got a Footloose vibe here - the game of chicken Ren and the bad dude play? "Holding out for a Hero" was playing in my mind until one girl quoted from the wrong 80s movie with "I feel the need, the need for speed!" But according to Chris, they were all piddling along at a snail's pace. Yawn. Ashley I. wins and gets some one-on-one time in Chris' lap. She feels confident she will get the rose. But there's a twist - Chris comes back to the group and announces that Mackenzie gets the rest of the date and everyone else has to go home.

Speaking of home, we see Megan and Jillian sneak over to Chris' bachelor pad (literally) and break in while he's not home. Megan running into the wall to "test" out his motorcycle helmet was overshadowed by Jillian's interesting choice of bikini bottoms:

Seriously - a black bar front and back?! What in the world is she wearing. Or NOT wearing, as the case may be.

Mackenzie is super weird at dinner and tells Chris she likes guys with big noses - like his. Odd choice of pick-up lines. As was her next topic: aliens. This is where I was hoping Chris would send her on her merry way. But no - after showing him some baby pics of her kid, she gets the rose. And five-seven kisses, as she has no problem relaying back to the girls at the house.

Megan gets the next date card, but is confused - is this just a love note? Oh, Megan. You should watch the show before you go on. She is so excited, she's shaking - and wishes we could feel her insides. No thank you. But her date is pretty cool - a helicopter ride (duh) to the Grand Canyon for a picnic. Um, yes please. This clearly excites Megan as well, who tells the camera the butterflies in her stomach are colorful and smiling. Ummmm.

But again, Chris gives her the rose, after her sad story about her father passing away. I mean that's sad and everything, but come on people.

One final date card arrives for Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S (aka CRAZYPANTS), Juelia (who we just learn is a widow whose husband killed himself and left her to raise their daughter), Kaitlyn and Britt (aka Topanga). These lucky ladies get the romantic date of killing zombies with paintballs. Good lord. Could not be a worse date, but I assume producers just wanted to put a gun in Ashley's hands. She did inquire about shooting members of her team, and was told repeatedly to only shoot the zombies.

This date really highlights the crazy that is Ashley. From believing she is in Mesa Verde (had to look this up - it's a national park, so doubt it looks much like a zombie deathzone), to telling Chris she wants to play hide and seek but then not really, to realizing the truth "BOOM!" to crawling on all fours talking to a feral cat. I have to wonder if she is severely medicated or really needs to be. Please god send this poor girl home.

Chris has some bonding (and lip-locking) time with Kaitlyn and Britt (even reciprocates her "free hug" card with a "free kiss from Chris" one - aw), and Kaitlyn gets the rose.

Finally rose ceremony time, but some of the ladies are feeling nervous and desperate. Ashley I, in particular. She is dressed very much like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, complete with genie lamp-shaped belly button ring. (What. Why.) She divulges to a few girls that she has never had a boyfriend and is, in fact, a virgin - which makes Mackenzie super jealous because "all guys want to take your virginity," duh. Man I love this show. So the princess snags some one-on-one time with Chris and lets him rub her belly button ring and make a wish (at this point I almost had to stop watching). He of course wishes to kiss her, and what results does NOT look virginal in any way. There was tongue, there was groping, he even started to lay on top of her. If this girl IS a virgin, she's not a very good one.

All this kissing is contagious - Jordan is super drunk and decides she needs to smooch Chris too. But she's so drunk. She keeps pursing her lips and making duckface to the camera (even almost makes out with the cameraman at one point). But after she flops down next to Chris, it gets super awkward and no makeout is had. (Thank god)

Time to hand out roses. The poor ladies going home are Tandra, Kimberly (for the second time - ouch), Alissa, and our token drunkies Jordan and Tara, who starts bawling and makes a very dramatic exit. Why he gave a rose to crazy Ashley is beyond me. Seriously.

Next week, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance. Let's hope he'll do mean Bachelor tweets.