Bachelor Recap: Hay ladies

First of all, three hours is NOT necessary for the Bachelor. Hell, two hours is not necessary. But this whole red carpet/live premiere nonsense was dumb. And this is coming from someone who actually watches the show. They bring in cast members from past seasons, dress them up like it's the damn Oscars (nice tiara, Erika Rose) and parade them down a red carpet in front of hundreds (tens?) of screaming fans. And Chris Harrison, doing his best Chris Harrison impression, pulls a few aside for "important" chats. Like when are Sean and Catherine having a baby? (2016) When are Lacy and Marcus getting married? (80-40 sometime this summer. Please tell me she is joking and just repeating her slip-up from Bachelor in Paradise. Or maybe she really doesn't know math at all.) What is the deal with Nikki and Juan Pablo? (I found her boring and tuned out this convo, sorry.) We even meet a few lovely ladies from Arlington, Iowa (Chris' hometown), all of whom are wearing their best and biggest statement necklaces for life in the big city.

But let's get back to the man with the farmer's tan and his hoes. (Farming or otherwise.) We are reminded that Chris is a rich guy in a small town and loves his family and loves the harvest. We are treated to the first of many metaphors about love and farming, and I am treated to my first of many gags. Beefcake Cody even makes a (shirtless) cameo as Chris' trainer. Not really sure why, but I'm not sure why they do most of the things they do on this show.

It's finally time to meet the ladies. They do a classic fake-out this time, bringing only 15 women in at first. For some reason this freaks the hell out of the girls - um, enjoy it! Take some extra one-on-one time while you can! They include:

Britt: Waitress who gives away free hugs. Including the longest hug in the history of time that made me very uncomfortable. But clearly Chris is a hugger - she got the damn first impression rose. And the first kiss. Holy chemistry, hugman.

Whitney: Fertility nurse with a voice that belongs in the Chipmunks. Awkwardly asks Chris if he inseminates pigs so they can have something in common. Lordy. Rose.

Kelsey: Adorable school counselor from Austin who is a 28-year-old widow. She is my favorite, probably because I too am rocking the short bob. Rose.

Megan: All I remember is blonde and busting out of the strapless dress. Clearly this is what Chris remembers - rose.

Ashley I: Reminds me of Camila Alves. Rose.

Trina: ?? Rose

Reegan: Brings a cooler of a (hopefully fake) heart to joke about the fact that she sells cadaver tissue. Because that's hilarious. No rose.

Tara: Ohhhhhh Tara. The epitome of "bless her heart." She rolls out in Daisy Dukes, boots and a plaid shirt because she's a country girl, dammit! But then swiftly changes into a black dress and gets out of the limo again. Tara will later get so drunk that others will accuse her of smelling like whiskey, she burps and almost falls off the rose ceremony podium, but somehow - SOMEHOW! - gets a rose. WTF.

Amber: Brought a teddy bear. Alrighty. Rose.

Nikki: Says "literally" a lot. Literally just flew back from Peru. Literally found a heart-shaped rock there. Literally got a rose.

Amanda: Ballet dancer with an unfortunate Illinois accent who admits she is still single because she's "f--cking crazy." Also she doesn't like cleaning, cooking or paying bills, so good thing she lives at home. She tries for the secret admirer angle, but it flops. Even her big eyes can't save her. No rose.

Jillian: Bodybuilder by night, news producer by day - this chick's thighs could crack walnuts and she really likes showing off her biceps. Like multiple times. A little manly for me, but rose.

Mackenzie: 21-year-old single mom with a son named Kale. Like the vegetable. And her dress is green. Coincidence? After some odd watercolor session, she gets a rose.

Ashley S: CRAZYTOWN. The girl looks a bit off, and she is. Really likes onions (even ones that turn out to be pomegranates), and offers roses to other girls because she just needs to get to talk to Chris. Somehow, rose. This one will keep things interesting, which is probably why the producers made him keep her around.

Kaitlyn: CRAZYTOWN II. She tells Chris he can "plow the f--k out of my field any day!" Chris is taken aback and doesn't say anything, so Kaitlyn panics and wonders if she got his name wrong. No, he just has no idea what to say. Later she tells some walrus-Tupperware joke to the group with the punchline "find a tight seal," and it's on. Somehow, even after teaching Chris to dance, rose.

At this point Chris Harrison tells Chris Bachelor to go inside and mingle. Hence the 15 girls versus 25 girls drama. But since there's still like an hour left, we know there will be more women. And there are!

Samantha: #blessed. Rose

Michelle: Has two kids who are 7 and 6 (and she's 25, so you do the math). No rose.

Juelia: Um, it's Julia. Rose.

Becca: Chris loves her short sequin dress. (To be fair, lots of shorter dresses this time around. Thank god.) Rose.

Tandra: Rides in on a motorcycle. In a long dress. Rose.

Alissa: Flight attendant who gave a very embarrassing "No smoking allowed, unless you're smoking hot. Hey, Chris!" speech and brought a seatbelt for him because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Where's my barf bag. Rose.

Jordan: Busts out whiskey bottles for she and Chris to share. Which is foreshadowing that she's getting tipsy later... rose.

Nicole: Bless her heart #2. Shows up wearing a pig nose. To "ham it up." Oh no. No rose. Lesson learned.

Brittany: This chick is a WWE Diva in Training, according to her bio. And shows up wearing basically a negligee and gloves (??). She's holding a poster and I thought she was going to walk around the ring a la WWE, but it only said "#soulesmates." Sigh. No rose.

Carly: Busts out in a girlie pink dress and a toy karaoke machine, plus a sad little ditty that she sings to him. Then again, she's a cruise ship singer, so do we expect anything less? Rose.

Tracy: 4th grade teacher who brings cute notes from her students. Wise woman, although a few too
many cat lady references. Rose.

Bo: Plus-size model. No rose.

Kimberly: Yoga instructor. No rose, but she comes back in post-ceremony with a vengeance (to be continued??)...

Kara: Wears a dress meant for a Kentucky pageant. No rose.

Jade: I don't like her dress, but Chris thinks it is perfect. She's a front-runner, folks. Rose.

Scenes from this season include lots of tears. LOTS of tears. And of course an EMT, which is becoming commonplace. Let's DO this, farm fans!