Thursday, January 18, 2018

D-Day

So I have learned of the date I have to go back to work: March 22. Sigh. On the plus side, it's still 9 weeks away. And it's a Thursday, so it will only be a two-day week. Which means only two days to cry in the bathroom and try to come up with a business plan allowing me to work from home. I kid, I kid. (Sort of)

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Bachelor recap: sayon-Arie

Going to keep this short, as last week's Bachelor recap sadly took me 12 hours to complete. (Thus is life with a newborn.)

Group date #1: GLOB (Glamorous Ladies of the Bachelor). The ladies get trained in the art of professional wrestling from two ladies who were actual GLOWs in the 80s (for some reason, I only thought this was a show - not a reality). Bibiana and Tia give themselves a time-out after getting chewed out by GLOW, but finally suck it up and pull on their costumes (Bridezilla and Scarlett O'Hara, respectively) to compete.

Krystal grabs Arie first because of course she does, and tells him she worries about getting lost in the shuffle. Arie tells her if she ever feels that way, to come grab him. She interprets that as a green light to interrupt any conversation with other women in the future. Goodie.

Bibiana breaks the cardinal rule and trashes another girl (Krystal) during her time with Arie. He moves on to Bekah, who happily makes out with him and accepts the group date rose. TKO, indeed.

This week's one-on-one date goes to Lauren S, one of four Laurens and one of two Laurens from Dallas. Confused yet? Arie whisks her off to wine country, and good news! Lauren likes wine, guys. The date starts out well - lots of cheers-ing and laughing over the fact that they both go to bed early. But then it starts to unravel and her stories are pointless and he seems bored. Sure enough, no rose. Ouch, although it's one less Lauren to keep up with.

The final group date involves puppies, which everyone is psyched about except poor Annaliese, who had a traumatic dog incident in her youth. You may remember she also had a bumper car incident which prohibited her from taking part in the demolition derby last week. Lucky for us, the Bachelor producers decided to put together a reenactment of the dog incident, which was by far the best thing I've seen all season. Perhaps ever. Annaliese tries to get a kiss later in the evening, but the kissing bandit is tired and says they aren't in that place just yet. Oof. Chelsea is annoying as ever and steals time with Arie not once, but twice (second time to make out of course), and snags the date rose.

At the rose ceremony, Annaliese is very worried and flat out asks Arie if he sees a future with her. When confronted, he realizes no he doesn't, and escorts her out. Sayon-arie, indeed. Bekah has some deep thoughts for Arie during their alone time, telling him he is scared of her because she doesn't need him, and everyone else he dates DOES. He is impressed (and scared) - but you know who isn't impressed? Bibiana, who has set up the cute little stargazing couch, complete with candles, and Arie instead brings like 4 other girls there. Damn dude. I guess it's not surprising that the one going home tonight is Bibiana. Bye Felicia.


Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Bachelor recap: putting the B in Bibiana

First one-on-one date goes to Becca (as opposed to Bekah), who heads off on the back of Arie's motorcycle and proceeds to get the date of my dreams - meeting Rachel Zoe (I die), selecting a Rachel Zoe dress (and ultimately getting to keep ALL the dress options), Christian Louboutin shoes and a plethora of Neil Lane jewels. DAMN GINA. Back at the mansion, Chelsea says she wouldn't have liked this date - she doesn't feel safe around motorcycles - and it's pretty awesome when someone says "good thing you didn't get picked then!" Boom.

Becca comes home with gifts in hand - very Pretty Woman post-shopping spree - to show off in front of the ladies. She gets dolled up and goes out on the town with the kissing bandit, who earns his nickname by making out with her several times (with tongue!) She safely secures the rose, and actually seems like a smart, normal girl. Which probably means her time in the mansion is limited.

Krystal gets the next one-on-one date, which is shocking to everyone because TWO one-on-one dates?? WTF Bachelor? Krystal tries not to gloat, but ends up gloating because her perma-smile is glued on her face per usual. And her smile grows when she learns they are flying to his hometown via private jet, and she gets to meet his parents. Let it be known that Arie's mother and Krystal look fairly similar:

Later that night, Krystal diverts attention from her super-short dress to tell Arie about her sad upbringing - father not around, mother not very maternal, brother living on the streets. Sad, and Arie validates her by giving her the rose and his tongue.

15 girls get the group date involving a very dangerous demolition derby situation - and those 15 only includes one Lauren! The girls learn the rules: if the car stops running, you're out. They are then given spray paint to decorate their cars. Crafts! But Annaliese is crying. Apparently there was a bumper car incident in her past. Yes, you read that correctly. I would understand a carney incident, but bumper cars?? It seems pathetic, but it does get her time with Arie - way to work it, girl. 

Bibiana flips people off and Tia loves the redneck-ness of this activity. Brittane knocks Arie out of the competition but then falls ill, so Siene wins the derby.

Later, Arie parks it in front of a fireplace and lets the ladies come to him, rewarding almost everyone with a smooch. Chelsea admits to having "another man in her life" - her son Sam. (Marikh calls her out for saying she gave up more than anyone to come on the show - get it, Kardashian!) Siene comes off as way too good for this show, having attended Yale and studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. WTF are you doing here, girlfriend. (Arie seems intimidated, so she probably won't be around for long anyway.) Siene gets the group date rose!

Bibiana is pissed that she hasn't had any alone time with Arie, and proceeds to keep drinking. She storms out, yells at the camera crew and slams the bathroom door. Awesome.

Bekah, little fairy sprite that she is, has a great convo with Arie. He admits to thinking she wasn't interested in him, and she can't believe this is happening. Cue makeout sesh.

At the rose ceremony, Krystal proves her "bad girl" status by stealing Arie away not once, but twice - AND she already had a rose! This is not lost on Bibiana, who finally says what I've wanted to say since this show began: when interrupted by Krystal, who says "do you mind if I steal him away?" Bibiana says "actually, yes I do." FINALLY! She then gives Krystal a piece of her mind, and Krystal doesn't really have a leg to stand on. Of course producers put them next to each other for the actual ceremony, and Bibiana is the last one picked. (Guessing producers made him keep her around for another week of drama, but I'll take it.)

The best part? Jenny, who did not get a rose and walked out right past Arie without giving him a hug or a "good luck in your search" or even flipping him off, which is clearly what she wants to do. He follows her outside and while she shows off how freakishly tiny her waist is, he tries to get her to give him a hug. She tells him she isn't going to miss him, but will miss the friends she has made (burn!), and finally consents to let him hug her but doesn't hug back (double burn!). But come on - girl is all of 25. Again, talk to me in 15 years.




Monday, January 8, 2018

Sheen!!

I've been watching West Wing while on maternity leave, and damn if it doesn't make me wistful for a Jeb Bartlett white house. And obviously I'm not the only one:



Thursday, January 4, 2018

Maybe she was going to ask if I had a boob job?

It's unfortunate when you go pick up your dry cleaning and the girl says, "Oh, did you have the -" looks you up and down and continues, "no, you didn't." And you have to say "Yes I had the baby a week ago!" Oof. Time to start working out...

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Bachelor recap: Welcome to Janu-Arie

Well, we're back. I forced my brother to watch the first episode last night, and he literally could not face the TV. His face had a pained look on it the entire time (particularly when he learned it was a two-hour show), and he couldn't believe what was coming out of these women's mouths. You and me both, bro.

Here are some brief thoughts:

Arie has gone gray (salt and pepper, but who's counting). He looks good, actually - looks like a guy who might actually be there for the right reasons (doubtful). And is now into real estate, not just race car driving. #evolving

But now for the most important stuff: meeting the ladies!

Ali: From Dallas, embarrassingly asked him to smell her to see if that was the best "pit stop" ever.  No rose. No surprise.

Amber: As an opening line, tells Arie she owns a spray tanning company (obvi) and has therefore seen a lot of BLEEPS and hopes he's not one. Now she could have said assholes or dicks - either way, no rose.

Annaliese: came dressed in a mask as the "kissing bandit" (Arie's nickname from Emily's season). He thinks she's a bit more normal once she removes the mask. Rose.

Ashley: carried a checkered flag; little screen time until getting a rose.

Becca: had Arie kneel down to propose, and then showed him letters her mother wrote for her to read while she was in the mansion. Rose.

Bekah: cute brunette with the shortest hair ever seen on a Bachelor season. Works as a nanny and pulls up in a cherry red Mustang, because she may be young, but can appreciate a classic. She repeats this line several times. Arie is intrigued, as am I - no age is listed for young (?) Bekah.

Bibiana: seems to represent "one of these kids is doing her own thing" but gets a rose.

Bri: sports reporter who threw a softball at Arie's face. No rose.

Brittane: can't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari, but how about on Arie?? And yes she puts a sticker on his bum. No rose.

Brittany T: scores the first kiss on a technicality by procuring two tiny cars to race Arie in. Rose.

Caroline: made $5M in real estate last year, as she is proud to tell us. She wants to take Arie off the market. (Get it??) Rose.

Chelsea: the "bad girl" so far, she's also a single mom (but has yet to tell Arie).She steals him away first, and then someone hints that maybe he has forgotten about her so she steals him again, makes out with him and snags the first impression rose.

Jacqueline: tells Arie to stand there and look pretty, and later asks why he came back. Touche. Rose.

Jenna: awkward moments abound with this one, from asking Arie to take off his shoes and socks so she can massage his feet to then asking if he was afraid of her. Clearly he was, for he gave her a rose.

Jenny: sketch artist who gives Arie a drawing - of himself (though it looks a bit like James Dean). Rose.

Jessica: TV host in a bright orange dress with ruffles. No rose.

Kendall: weirdo taxidermy-loving ukulele player who literally sings a song to a dead seal. Yet somehow, rose.

Krystal: online fitness coach who has an eerie smile plastered on the whole time. Methinks she's not as happy as she projects. Rose.

The Laurens: there are 4 Laurens. I doubt Arie can tell them apart, and frankly neither can I. Three out of four get roses. There you go.

Maquel: (interesting taVake on Raquel, no?) photographer who arrives on a motorcycle and does the slo-mo hair shake when removing her helmet. Rose.

Marikh: a wannabe Kardashian restaurant owner. Rose.

Nyesha: went sky diving for her 30th. No rose.

Olivia: ??? No rose.

Seinne: gave Arie elephant cufflinks. Alrighty. Rose.

Tia:  friends with Raven, from the bustling metropolis  of Weiner, Arkansas. She got out of the limo and gave Arie a "little weiner," something she "hoped he didn't have."  I'm not sure if Arie got the joke or not, but he didn't seem to. Rose.

Valerie: bright yellow dress, a la Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Rose.

Let the fun begin!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Baby New Year

Well, surprise surprise - the baby is here! Georgia Cole ("Georgie" arrived on Thursday. I am ridiculously tired but ridiculously in love. Was awake in the middle of the night (per usual) and thought I felt my water break. I was just going to wait until my 8:30am dr's apt, but felt contractions so after talking to the on-call doctor (and clearly waking him up), I went on in. Noticed meconium when I went to the bathroom, which concerned the doctors and nurses, and I was concerned that after three hours of contractions I was still only dilated to 1cm. So they started me on Pitocin at 9am, and that really kicked things into high gear. So much so that within an hour I needed an epidural. I was probably only dilated to like 4cm, but holy crap the pain. Epidural was great and in no time I was up to 9.5cm. The epidural kept wearing off, so had to keep getting bumps. Finally time to push and she was basically out but the doctor was performing a C-section so we had to wait. And wait. At one point I was like, I'LL get her out! But my mom and I got to watch her being born, which was super cool and not nearly as gross as I thought it would be. Didn't get to feed her right away because of the meconium issue, but I did get to hold her after I got my laceration stitched up (apparently I'm too good of a pusher). They decided she was still grunting so went to the transitional nursery for a while to be monitored, but after an hour she joined me in my room and latched on right away. OBSESSED!!