Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Butt-cuts are NOT rad.

My god, Bachelor Ben - you are grating on my last nerve. Please get a haircut and stop saying words like "rad."

To Courtney: Your lunatic skinny dipping antics and "winning" ways are equally annoying. Perhaps you two deserve each other.

To poor Emily: You're a PhD student - you should know when to fold 'em. Stop talking. At this point the only reason you are still there is because the producers are making him keep you around.

And to Elyce: not sure what went wrong there. I personally LIKED your "I've accomplished everything I want to achieve" speech. May have even used it myself. But, like you, I also did not get a rose. So perhaps there IS something there...

I don't know (cue the green slime)

Anyone remember the show "You Can't Do That on Television?" It used to run on Nickelodeon in the 80s and was fantastic. Super Canadian, and really just all-around super. Starring a young Alanis Morrisette and occasionally a young Ryan Reynolds (on the excellent tween "soap" Fifteen), it was always on when I got home from school. And for some reason I can't get it out of my head lately. I don't know why. (dammit - more green slime. Will I ever learn?!)

And in case you need a refresher: http://www.ycdtotv.com/

Monday, January 30, 2012

Moonshine makes you do crazy sh*t

I love the Donkey Punch at the Nodding Donkey. Particularly because the "punch" is moonshine. Which kicks in about 15 minutes after finishing the glass. My friend and I each had two glasses, resulting in my buying a Nodding Donkey t-shirt with the words "kicking ass" on the, well, ass, and my friend ordering homemade apple pie. At a bar. Which really got her quite a bit of attention from dudes. I guess it's true what they say about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach. Who knew. (Aside from people my grandmother's age)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Reading (email) is fundamental

Sent out an email yesterday to the employees at my office, raffling off tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters at 2 and 7pm on Saturday. Asked them to respond if interested, and to specify which time they preferred. Of course there were a few who did not pick a time, which is to be expected. But my favorite came from someone who asked for the 5pm show. Ummmm.

Karma's a bitch

The idiots from NC State had themselves a little vandalism party yesterday:

But I think beating them 74-55 last night showed them a little paint won't bother us. Besides the fact that NC State isn't our basketball rival, anyway. Perhaps they didn't get the memo. Freaking Wolfpack.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

It's the little things.

Is it weird that I love getting to work early because it means the toilets haven't been used since getting cleaned last night? There, I said it: a raised toilet seat makes me happy. (But don't get any ideas, fellas - this ONLY applies to clean ones. Otherwise, seat DOWN please.)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Bev 9-er forevah

I got sucked into watching some two-hour special about Candy Spelling selling the "manor." (And yes, it was called "Selling Spelling." Clever.) First of all, the mansion was ginormous - three gift-wrapping rooms, doll rooms, a screening room, gym, bowling alley, four two-car garages, tennis court, pool, etc. etc. Asking price: $150 million. It sold for $85 million to some 20-something heiress who, to Candy's dismay, immediately painted the inside black. Classy!

So the whole show is Candy categorizing her things, selling the dolls at an auction (which raked in $750,000! WTF!), and then "downsizing" into a penthouse condo which she was completely redoing - even picking out the damn marble for the countertops. Not at ALL a waste of two hours of my time.

But my favorite part came when she was walking her dog in the park, visiting with a former neighbor. And what did the millionairess have on? A Beverly Hills, 90210 sweatshirt. Complete with the logo above. FANTASTIC. Donna and David would be proud.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A river runs through it. Minus Brad Pitt. :(

Another drama-filled night on the Bachelor. Seriously, where do they FIND these girls? Although it IS semi-educational to learn what guys like (bitchy dumb models with no upper lip - but I'm not bitter) and don't like (PhD girls whining about models; girls complaining about only getting to go on group dates).

The show has really become all about Courtney. Which is unfortunate, since she is pretty much the demon spawn in a black dress. And I don't care how long ago this was filmed - saying "winning" a la Charlie Sheen just makes you seem sad.

The best part was at the very end, when Ben announced to everyone where they were headed next - Puerto Rico! - and all the girls cheered. Except for Courtney, who said "I was just there two months ago." Alrighty. And then they all came in for a cheers, and she raised her glass high and said "I can cheers taller than anyone else!" Again, alrighty. I don't get what he sees in her (aside from the MODEL factor, of course), but from rumors I'm hearing she's going to be around for a while. So at least I'll have plenty of blog fodder.

There was also an awkward one-on-one date with Rachel (who should not have gotten a rose - WTF), a "meh" date with Jennifer the Accountant, another weird private concert - although there was a semi-crowd this time, another helicopter ride (yawn), and a group date of waders and fly-fishing. Which I tried in Jackson Hole - did not go well. I kept casting into the weeds. (Of course on the show Courtney caught a damn fish. Have I mentioned that she bugs?!)

Monday, January 23, 2012

Reader discretion is advised

Saturday afternoon, sitting in a bar with a friend. There are two guys at the bar, and one walks over and introduces himself. Always flattering, since it doesn't happen that often. So we made idle chitchat, said what we did for a living, blah blah. He asked if he could get us a drink, but we had been drinking for quite a while at that point so kind of hemmed and hawed with him for a few minutes. And then, I guess in response to "do you want drinks?", he said to my friend, "Well, I called your vagina, and it said..."

Whoa whoa whoa. Hold the phone. We have met you for all of 5 minutes and you bust out the V word? Honestly don't remember what happened after that, but the conversation certainly took a nosedive and he retreated back to his buddy shortly afterwards, mumbling something about regret. You think??

Friday, January 20, 2012

Who's up for a mulleted road trip??

I am only a little embarrassed to admit that I really want to go see Air Supply at Winstar Casino in February. I'm sorry - they have some sweet ballads. "Making Love Out of Nothing At All?" "All Out of Love?" Come on, people. Greatness.

Although I will admit that I sometimes get Air Supply confused with REO Speedwagon. A concert featuring both would just about send me over the edge.

(Also - how amazing is this photo.)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Girl Writes Blog.

I really want to see "Man on a Ledge." Not just because it looks like a cool movie. I think it has something to do with the title. Reminds me of "Snakes on a Plane." (Which to be honest I didn't see, but I know it's about motherf-ing snakes on a motherf-ing plane. Which is cinematic gold.)

So it must be something about how clearly the title spells out the plot. There's a man. On a ledge. Perhaps other films could have fared better if they had used this formula:

Heathers: Girls Play Croquet. (And Murder Each Other.)

Titanic: Ship Hits Iceberg. (Although I'm not sure it's possible for this movie to fare any better.)

Speed: Guy Bombs Bus.


Just a thought, movie people. Just a thought.

We can't both be right

Last night, I was coming back from dinner and got into the elevator along with some guy. I was wearing jeans, a turtleneck sweater and a coat. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. We both kind of looked each other up and down, like "what are YOU wearing?!"

Cut to this morning: I got on the elevator wearing a short-sleeve sweater and a lightweight scarf. A (different) guy got on wearing a down jacket, gloves, and a flannel hat with the ear flaps down.

In both instances, we looked like we lived in completely different temperatures. One of us HAD to be wrong. (I will say that I was FREEZING walking into work this morning. Score one for the ear flaps.)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bikinis and scarves and skis - oh my!

Will the ABC producers stop at nothing to create drama? They bring some total random girl back, hyping her up for weeks as "someone from Ben's past" who he probably met once - and then she doesn't even get a rose to continue to cause hyperventilation and random ultimatums from the other girls. (And yet I continue to watch.)

We kick things off with yet another location - San Francisco. And poor Tar Heel Emily gets the most un-romantic date yet - climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. Which is cool, don't get me wrong - but doesn't exactly leave a lot of time for chit-chat. Particularly when both parties are (conveniently) afraid of heights. But then they got to have dinner and chat afterwards, and a rose was of course given out. And I have to give Ben props for his "Talk to me, Goose" Top Gun reference. Mayjah points.

Next up: the group date. Which is where the title of this post comes from. Really, ABC? These girls are skiing down a street in the middle of the city with bikinis on? (Oh, and many wore tube socks and scarves. Because there's snow and stuff.) I think this is where I would have to say a big Brittney-esque "no thank you." When I wear bikinis, I try to move around as little as possible. Lay like broccoli on a lounge chair. Or submerge myself in the pool. But certainly not skiing.

Finally, the solo date with Lyndzi - which was supposed to go to Brittney, but L will pick up the sloppy seconds, no problem! They had a cute date, aside from the always awkward dancing by themselves at a private concert. Always have to fast-forward through some of that.

And then Shawntel the funeral director shows up. Never minded her really, but this does seem fairly random. And the girls were not shy about showing their contempt: "You don't even f&*#ing KNOW him!" "Her thighs are way bigger than mine!" etc. (Nice, girls.) But it was all for naught, because she left empty-handed anyway.

I do think Courtney the model is a total psychotic bitch and I'm hoping it gets revealed sooner rather than later. Although it DOES make for some good TV...

Monday, January 16, 2012

What day is it?

Can't believe I saw these on display at the grocery store yesterday. Although I guess it makes sense: Christmas decorations are on sale before Halloween; why shouldn't Easter stuff be out before Valentine's? They should just save themselves the trouble and leave Christmas stuff out all year. (Sadly, they probably will start doing this at some point.)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Been caught shorthanded

This article tells you 28 "shorthand" words you should eliminate from your vocabulary. And I use a majority of them on a daily basis:

Ridic - I actually use "redonk," but same diff. (ooh - "diff" is probably one, too)
For realz (sad but true)
Awesomesauce. Which I do use, but I use "crazytown" even more, and I'm sure if it gained in popularity it would be on the list as well. Same with "crazypants."
Just sayin'
And then there are the abbreviations. I only SAY a few out loud (although I type them all the time): FML and BRB. Somehow WTF and BTW didn't make the cut, but those come out of my mouth quite a bit. (That's what she said.)

And, most shocking of all, AMAZEBALLS. Which remains the best word ever. I don't want to live in a world where "amazeballs" doesn't exist. For realz.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

First embarrassing confession of 2012

I like a Selena Gomez song. "I Love You Like a Love Song." Yep, I admit it. I'm on the verge of downloading it. The part where she hits "repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat" is damn catchy. (For example, just writing down the lyrics has me singing the song in my head.)

But don't fret, all is not lost - I still can't stand the Biebs.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Author! Author!

I have finally decided to write a book. I've been talking about it for a long time, and since my new year's resolution to lose 10 pounds is already out the window, I figured this could be my NEW new year's resolution. And by writing it down and telling people about it, I might actually have to do it. So please keep me accountable. All 51 of you. After all, that was the point of my starting a blog anyway - to get those creative juices flowing for a book. Well, that and the fact that I was unemployed and bored. But whatever works.

Of course, I wish I could just print out all 900 of my blog posts, staple them together and mail them to a publishing house, but seriously. Some of my rants are too bizarro to be mentioned again. So I'll weed through, flush out some good ones, and make magic happen, people. Because as I may have mentioned, my real goal in life is to write a book, go on a book tour (used to be go on Oprah, but I just missed the boat on that one), and retire by 40. And 40 is creeping up.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

"I've never been so attracted to a sheep in my life."

That was the best Bachelor quote of the night for me.

To sum up, these girls are a nightmare. Complete psychos. Reminds me of the episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about the hot-crazy scale - it's true!! The craziest ones are also the hottest. (Courtney. Jenna. Blakeley.) The sponsor of this show should be a brand of waterproof mascara, for all the tears that are shed. Sheesh.

His date with Kacie B was cute - until she busted out her baton twirling moves. You could tell he was mortified, but at least he played along to an extent. And then the home movies. This is why I'm too old for this show - my baby home videos are literally silent movies. As in before the dawn of recordable sound. Sigh.

And the group play date (literally, they put on a play) was cute - I want the gingerbread outfit. And the kids reacting to Blakeley's cleavage was classic - Girls: boo. Boys: yay!

Of course he gave the rose to Blakeley, who "made the most of her time with me." Um, yeah - by sticking her tongue down your throat...nice work, Flajnik.

And then there was the date with Courtney. Who is dumb as a post and has no expression in her face (probably due to botox. She IS a model, after all.). And yet again, rose. UGH.

During the rose ceremony, the claws (and the tears) came out - loved Ben traipsing all over the house, finding a different sobbing girl in each room. "Blakeley? Why are you huddled in a fetal ball in the luggage room?" (Luggage room??) "Jenna? What are you doing in a fetal ball under the covers?" Way to stay strong, girls.

Of course Jenna was a goner - her "I'm not a good girl" speech didn't evoke the proper response, and we were treated to an awesome crying spell after she got the boot. She even went back inside to continue crying - anyone else hoping she would refuse to leave??

Next week looks like a doozy - mystery guest, medical emergency...because no reality dating show would be complete without an ambulance.

Monday, January 9, 2012

An Ode to Billy Zabka

Watched Karate Kid yesterday and had a sudden urge to blog about the wonder that is Billy Zabka. Poor guy got pigeon-holed into playing the d-bag in a ton of 80s movies (Karate Kid I and II, Back to School, Just One of the Guys, and - how did I miss this?! - Jack in European Vacation) - and he was damn GOOD at being bad. A big blonde baddie, that one. And call me crazy, but in a Zabka-Macchio fight, I'm Team Zab. Sweep the leg, Johnny. Sweep the leg.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Find a penny, pick it up (and put it in the piggy bank)

Okay so none of my shoes are selling on ebay. No one has even BID on any of them. Awesome. I'm having to come up with creative ways to save money. Here are a few thoughts:

1. Stock up on items from work and the gym. This includes toilet paper, diet DP, sugar packets and fruit.

2. Drive super carefully to avoid getting into a pricey fender-bender.

3. Also walk super carefully to avoid getting hurt and having to go to the hospital. Although you can't be careful all the time: around 2:30am this morning I somehow managed to jam my finger into my eye and it hurt so bad for like an hour afterward that I thought I had given myself some sort of scratched cornea or something. But even then, the cheapest answer wins out: shut your damn eye and go back to sleep. :)

3. Two words: instant oatmeal. Boxes of that are CHEAP, yo. (Probably for a reason)

4. Drink at home before going out. Or bring a flask in your purse. Which is awesome and not at all creepy.

5. Fill up water bottles with tap water and put them back in the fridge. This is good on many fronts: helps the environment, and hey - I'm sure the minerals from the tap are semi-healthy. Right???

6. Sell an organ or bodily fluid. I'm not above seeing what I could get for a kidney. Sold plasma in college for cash. And I would donate my eggs (again), but at this point they're too old and nobody wants them. Ain't that the truth.

Now, many of you (and my mother) might say "Sarah. Just stop shopping. And don't get your hair highlighted." Well that's just crazy talk. I would rather use horribly chafing TP that I stole from the gym than not be as blonde as God intended. It's all about making (some) sacrifices, people.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Rock and roll and cola wars

Driving to work this morning, "We Didn't Start the Fire" came on the radio. And from somewhere in the depths of my brain I remembered 90% of the lyrics. (We had to learn them in 7th or 8th grade for History class.) I don't remember what some of the words refer to, necessarily, but still. Semi-impressed with myself.

It's weird what you remember. Or don't. My mom and I were quizzing each other on state and world capitals over Christmas (yep, we're wild like that), and my knowledge was pretty pathetic. (I believe "Estonia City" was my guess for the capital of Estonia. Which is apparently incorrect.)

And yet, I remember how to sign all three verses of "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," which I learned in 4th grade. When that will EVER come in handy, I don't know. But if you ever need to know how to say "snow white turtle doves" in sign language, I'm your girl. If you need to know the capital of New Jersey, look elsewhere.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Selling my sole on the internet

Needing to pay off my spur of the moment decision to go to the Final Four, I finally decided to try selling stuff on ebay. I still have no idea what I'm doing, but somehow got 11 pairs of shoes online (or so the emails tell me). But then what? What if I priced everything too high? Or the shipping costs are too low? Maybe my lame descriptions aren't "catchy" enough? Do I have to take everything down if it doesn't sell in 7 days? Damn you, information superhighway. Damn you.

(And yes, I am well aware that a chimp could buy and sell on ebay. Whatever.)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

That settles it. Bringing Nana on my next date.

(It certainly seemed to work for Brittney on last night's Bachelor premiere...)

What a trainwreck. Which thankfully was only two hours, as opposed to last season's THREE hour nightmare...

Some additional thoughts:

In the opening sequence, Bachelor Ben is wearing some sort of totally 80s neon orange tank top. We get it - you have muscles. No need to tank it out, my man. His hair is also a bit redonk, but apparently the ladies like it. Or so they tell him.

And oh, the ladies. This episode was so cringe-worthy I had to continuously fast-forward. And I've decided that shows like the Bachelor are ruining men for the rest of us. They see crazy-ass girls acting, well, crazy - no WONDER they want to steer clear or think we're all on the verge of going psycho. (Jenna, I'm talking to YOU.) But back to the ladies:

Courtney, the model : Not all that cute. And kind of dumb. Which means she probably gets picked in the end. Sigh.

Blakeley: A "VIP Cocktail Waitress?" WTF. I did like her dress, though. But the feather earrings need to go.

Emily: Shout-out to UNC - she's a smarty. Although her weird disease rap was...weird. Still, cute. And a Tar Heel. Which should get her to the final four at least. (See what I did there?)

Also liked Nicki, the 26-year-old divorcee (of which she keeps reminding us) from TX.

Jenna: As mentioned before, crazypants. I think I'll have to check out HER blog. You know, to compare notes. She is no Carrie Bradshaw, that's for dang sure.

The chick who rode in on the horse? Lindzi? (Why is your name spelled like that, first of all) Way to set the bar ridiculously high, lady. No wonder you got the first impression rose, and what are the girls on the next season going to do to top it? Float in on a parachute?? (Actually, that would be pretty sweet.)

Shira, princess of power: Did not get a rose, probably due to her "I know everything about wine! Oops, I really don't know ANYTHING about wine!" routine. Smooth move.

The crazy British one, another odd spelling of Lindsay, LYNDSIE: just nuts. And why so many kimonos?

The poor misguided Kentucky girl in the ginormo hat...I appreciate props as much as the next guy, but c'mon. Ben couldn't even see your face.

Monica, the potentially gay cackler: her one-on-one time (with Blakeley, not Ben) was one of the weirder moments for me, and involved much fast-forwarding.

And then there were a bunch of girls who were shown at the rose ceremony and I was like "who is THAT?" "Wait, now who is THAT?" - i.e. the girl with the Miss Whatever sash, "Erika" (seriously, no idea), and the really pretty blonde girl who just waltzed by him without introducing herself. Guess we'll never know, since she got the boot in the end.

And there you have it. A brand-new season of tears and ill-fitting lime green gowns (I'm talking to YOU, Shawn). Can't wait until next week.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Seriously. How can I get a job at someecards.

These are my peeps.

I'll show YOU a national holiday

Working today. And pretty much no one else is. Which brings me to the pros of working on a national holiday. (It's a short list; there aren't many.)

1. No traffic

2. Good TV at the gym this morning (10 Things I Hate About You was on - score!)

3. Since our US office is the only one open, no crazy requests from Asia or Europe until tomorrow. Although many of those employees are on "holiday" for another week. Why don't I live in Europe, again?

4. That's about it. I would much rather sit in traffic and get to chillax for one more day. But alas.

Go back to sleep, suckers.