too soon??

Got back on Tinder and Bumble. I updated my profile to say "single mom," but I doubt these guys have any idea how tiny the baby is. I can see it now: I go out on a date and have to excuse myself to pump in the bathroom. That is of course assuming I could even get a date. #sigh

Bachelor recap: I suck at being happy

Tuscany is for lovers, although not for Jacqueline, who opts off of the Ari Safari. She just sucks at being happy, apparently. It also sucks for the young pixie Bekah, who is eliminated from the 3-on-1 date, much to her surprise, and for Seinne, who is also escorted off the island. Which means hometown dates for Lauren, Kendall, Tia (yay! a trip to Weiner!) and the other Becca. Somehow at least three of these four seem normal (Kendall's taxidermy obsession is weird, sorry) - so surely this can only end in heartbreak. But I'm on board.

I am also on (snow)board for Bachelor: Winter Games. Love the global aspect - bringing in contestants from Bachelor franchises around the world and hoping for some love, international style in the mountains of Vermont. My favorite are the Asian girls from China and Japan, who practically speak no English aside from "thank you" "hello" "goodbye" "I love you" "will you marry me." So fantastic.

Also fantastic? The "parade of nations" at the beginning (props to the ABC intern for finding thousands hundreds of people willing to act like Bachelor fans and wave flags), and the super random singing of the Bachelor anthem. #whoknew

Clare is back - clearly the girl doesn't need a real job - and finds herself in an international incident: caught between Canadian Benoit and German Christian. Ooh la la, indeed. Ashley I is also back, promising not to cry so much this time, but breaks her promise in episode one after Canadian Kevin picks Bibiana (why??) over her. Gonna be a long couple of weeks, ladybug.

Bachelor recap: voulez vous couchez avec moi

Arie and his harem are in gay Paree, and the girls get to shack up on a fancy house boat on the Seine - ooh la la. The last Lauren standing gets the first one-on-one date, and doesn't say much. Arie is even convinced she's just not that into him, but thankfully they both open up over dinner. Arie tells a sad story about getting his heart broken by the woman he dated after Emily who had two kids of her own. Apparently she got pregnant with his child, but then lost the baby and left him. Ouch. Lauren tells him she was engaged before and it's hard for her to open up - she usually puts guys in the friend zone for a while first. Too bad there's no time for that on this show...still, she gets the rose.

The group date hits the Moulin Rouge - which I thought was a topless establishment, but apparently they just wear thongs. The girls work with a choreographer to compete for a spot in the show, and young Bekah wins the coveted position as well as the rose. The other ladies had to watch B and A perform (and I use that word loosely, as Arie's lip synching was awkward as hell), and needless to say they were not amused.

The dreaded two-on-one date is next, but in a twist, Krystal is the first contestant in history to be excited to be one of the two. She has a strange self-confidence and feels she will trounce poor Kendall (and she DOES best her in the maze, reaching Arie first). Krystal bashes Kendall to Arie, saying she's not ready for love. He of course brings this up, and Kendall confronts Krystal, but the turns the other cheek and says she feels sorry for Krystal. This finally leaves Krystal speechless. Thankfully Arie sees through her throaty baby voice and velvet top and leaves her alone to ponder life (albeit with an amazing view of the Eiffel tower.)

The final one-on-one date goes to Jacqueline, who I don't really remember seeing before this. They shop at Ports 1961 after their sporty convertible breaks down and they have to Uber like normal folk. Over dinner, Jac talks about pursuing her PhD, and Arie doesn't want to hold her back. Screw it - she gets the rose.

At the rose ceremony, Jenna (who?) and single mom Chelsea say bon voyage as the group gears up for Tuscany. Sadly Lauren isn't thrilled and I fear she will be leaving of her own volition...

A very belated Bachelor recap: Krystal Klear

I really try to write blog posts every day. Really, I do. But hell if this baby thing takes up the majority of my time (and I'm thrilled about that!). Regardless, here is an abbreviated recap from Monday's Bachelor. And god help me when Bachelor: Winter Games comes out, I will have to write ANOTHER one. Stop the madness.

We're in Fort Lauderdale (spring break 97!), and the girls are amazed by all the water. Seriously? It's the beach, ladies. Of course there's water. Sheesh.

Chelsea gets the first one-on-one date, and proves she's not just a single mom - she's also kind of slutty!- by straddling Arie on his jetski and having a makeout sesh. Over dinner she ters up talking about her ex/baby daddy, who left her with nothing. Arie likes a good rags to riches tale. And she gets the rose.

The group date goes bowling, and I'm sorry to say this happened:

Arie divides the girls into two teams (with the winning team getting extra time with him), and embarrassing team cheers ensue. Much to everyone's dismay, Krystal's team wins. And then much to Krystal's dismay, Arie invites the losing team to hang out later as well. Krystal's joker smile starts to fade and her fake façade starts to crack. Apparently she freaked out on the bus, calling Arie a liar and saying he broke the rules. So she decides not to attend the after-party to show how hurt she is. Arie  doesn't even notice she's gone until someone says something, and should have just left Krazy Krystal alone, but producers told him to he decides to go up and check on her. They have an intense convo and I'm hoping she is dunzo. The date rose goes to Lauren for asking a few of the 100 questions she brought along. (eye roll emoji)

Tia gets the last one-on-one date, and it's definitely in her wheelhouse: redneck. They head into the everglades and look at gators until they eat dinner at some backwoods guy's (beautiful) home, smack dab in the middle of the swamp. (Cue Kermit) I am happy to learn that Tia is actually a doctor in the "big city" of Little Rock, and her job could work anywhere (even Scottsdale, hint hint)...She takes a leap and tells him she's falling in love with him. This seems very soon to me, but whatever. He gives he the rose and they proceed to make out next to a Live Bait sign, which I found quite amusing.

At the rose ceremony, Krystal once again takes center stage and explains that she freaked out because the date reminded her of her childhood - her mom WORKED at a bowling alley. What is with these girls and their weirdo traumatic pasts that are all coincidentally triggered by group dates?? (Well played, ABC) Arie tells her she knows him best (has been to his hometown and met his parents), and she should be more understanding and cool. Sure, sure. Unfortunately she DOES get a rose and vows to kick up the drama next week. Oy.