Friday, October 30, 2015

How do you say "ka-ching" in Dutch?

Prepping to go to Europe for 10 days, and trying to figure out the various types of currency I'm going to need. The exchange rates vary drastically:

$100 = 65 pounds
$100 = 90 euros
$100 = 28,184 forints (Hungary)

In sum: everyone should be expecting gifts from Hungary this year.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

And that's a wrap

In my almost 40 years as a single person, I clearly haven't learned much about guys. Or relationships. Or much of anything, for that matter. But one thing I do know? When I'm getting dumped. Which happened this week. And bless my friends for trying to put a positive spin on it: "He's just busy with work!" "Maybe his phone died." "Maybe he's trapped under something heavy." But the truth is, I've been ghosted. Per usual.

And therefore I am announcing my retirement from dating. Like athletes who hang up their jerseys, I am simply getting too old, I don't want to continue the risk of getting hurt, and the game simply isn't what it used to be. I do however look forward to watching the younger generations play. Probably better than I ever could. #micdrop

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


I don't like wearing Spanx. They are too hot, too tight, too restrictive (although I guess that's the point). But I have to wear them TWICE this week. Today because the dress I bought is completely see-through, so something had to be done. And I don't think they even make slips anymore, so badda bing Spanx!
The second time will be Friday, because I am dressing up like Elvis for work. The white jumpsuit Elvis. Which once again is semi see-through and completely not flattering, so I need all the help I can get. #thankyouverymuch

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

As a former sorority girl, I approve this message.

Heard the best joke this morning:

Why do sorority girls travel in odd numbered packs?

Because they literally can't even.

Thanks, I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress.

Monday, October 26, 2015

A time to plant, a time to reap. Or weep.

So it's fall. (And finally starting to feel like it in Dallas.) I thought I would be so happy that summer was over - no more mowing the lawn in 100 degree heat - but turns out leaves fall in the fall. (Who knew?!) I am raking up bagfuls of leaves what feels like daily (but is probably weekly) and I don't even think it's doing much good. When's winter??

Friday, October 23, 2015

At least it wasn't my sad Elmo pajamas

Apparently I partied a bit too hard last weekend at the lake - left my nightshirt AND a pair of panties in the bathroom of the lakehouse. And the owners had to mail them back to the birthday girl. Who is being so kind and washing them before returning them to me. Dear lord. Plus the fact that said nightshirt shrunk since I wore it last, and it was completely inappropriate to romp around in. (Got a few "where are your pants?!" questions. Eeks.)

Thursday, October 22, 2015

There should be a holiday

Every year around this time, I stress out. Not because the Cowboys suck. Not because 7-11 ran out of pumpkin spice latte. But because it's time to see if my jeans still fit. Hell - I put them away back in April and haven't thought about them until now. Lord knows if I can still get them buttoned. But today, I did. And they did. It's the little things, people. Now where's my bagel.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Great scott!

Happy Back to the Future Day, kids! I never really liked part II, and part III was just terrible, but I could watch the original movie any day of the week. Still such greatness. Puffer vest and all. We went to see Huey Lewis a few years ago, and they had a DeLorean on display. (And yes, I took a picture.) I guess he can't escape the movie - and why would he?? Totally going to watch it this weekend. #calvinklein

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Eagerly awaited tat update

I know you've been on the edge of your seats, so I can reassure you that I finally found something that takes the flash tattoos off: baby oil. Now I still can't reach the wings on my back, so those are just going to have to fade with time (hopefully?), but the other six (yes, we had lots of fun with this) are gone. #thankyoujesus

Monday, October 19, 2015

I ink, therefore I am

One of the birthday party weekend's highlights for me was when we all donned metallic flash tattoos. I apparently had the most fun with them, because the girl who brought them gave me all the leftovers to take home (yaaaasss). However, I am also having the most trouble removing them. These bad boys are NOT coming off. I've tried makeup remover. Nail polish remover. Rubbing alcohol. And just rubbing. And nada. The two big angel wings on my back are still going strong. Luckily it's getting cooler so I can cover them up for work. But good grief. #tattedup

Friday, October 16, 2015

Lordy, lordy look who's 40

It's happening. Celebrating a friend's 40th this weekend at the lake. I obviously have friends who are 40+, but this feels different. like my group of friends is about to hit that big milestone birthday. And dammit, I'm not ready! I've got a little under two years to go - let the bucket list begin!!

1. get married
2. have a kid

This should go well.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Maybe my presence should be my present

I have a problem with gift-giving. The problem? I give people what I like, not what they like. For example, the Christmas present I bought for my sister-in-law this year (that's right, getting things done early)? I bought the same thing for myself. And I went to a baby shower over the weekend and instead of doing the noble thing and buying off the registry, I went rogue at Buy Buy Baby and wound up getting her a onesie that said "#bestchristmasever" (the baby is due on Christmas). I found it hilarious. But I included the receipt on the off chance my friend didn't feel the same...

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Now if only I could freeze my tear ducts

Yesterday was a really bad day at work. I cried in front of every major executive at some point during the day, sometimes twice. And yet, while relaying the story to my team, found one bright spot: my co-worker said, "This whole time, your forehead hasn't moved!"


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Quacking up

When I lived in Boston, every time I would have someone in town to visit I would make them take a Duck Boat Tour. I found it freaking hilarious, especially when they made you quack at people on the street. Not sure why I thought Duck Boats were only found in Boston, though - apparently all a city needs is some roads and some water, and presto! Duck Tour. Maybe Dallas could get one. And you could float around White Rock Lake. Because that's fun.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Egomaniac, party of one

I have a framed photo in my den from a wedding I went to in Cabo earlier this year. It's a pretty decent photo of me (plus the amazing sunset on the beach), and there's a girl in the picture with me whose name I cannot remember for the life of me. (I only met her at the wedding, in my defense.) I've had people come over and ask "who's that?" and I have to embarrassingly admit that I don't know, and it becomes glaringly obvious that I only have the picture out because I think it's a good picture of me. #truth

I saw her again yesterday at the baby shower for the friend who got married, and now I know her name. And will start telling everyone that asks. Just because I can. #shannon

Friday, October 9, 2015

Life is dangerous.

Injuries sustained this morning:

1. Tripped over a pillow (?) and landed hard on my hip, to the point where it's been a few hours and it's still throbbing
2. Clocked my other hip bone with a dumbbell
3. Hit my head on the corner of a cabinet

I could blame these on the fact that I got three hours of sleep, but let's be honest - that's just a typical day for me.

#gonnaleaveamark #orseveral

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Thanksgiving diet, anyone?

So I'm hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. Even attempting to cook a turkey. "Attempt" being the key word. My mom bought me a roasting pan, so it's official. It's not the holidays unless you give everyone food poisoning, right?

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Scary, indeed

One of the houses on my street has put up their Halloween decorations. And let me just say, it's a foreboding prediction of what Christmas will be like around here. Not the classiest decor, but hey - they should get points for enthusiasm. And lights. And full coverage. Oy to the world.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Can I get a Valium over here?

Went on several dates with a guy who I fear has full-blown OCD. Not saying I don't, but this guy took things to the extremes. For example:

  • Freaked out when I put my purse up on his counter -"I eat off of there!"
  • Wouldn't let me wear my shoes into his (hardwood floor) apartment
  • I got silverware at a restaurant and put it down for us on the table. He swiftly snatched them up and got new ones, setting them down on napkins - "They only wipe these tables with a rag!"
  • Asked if there were potholes in my neighborhood, since his Mercedes has special suspension
  • Pulled his iPad away from me - "Don't look at my password!"

Annnnnd scene. Me and my purse will take our business elsewhere, thank you very much.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Literally blood sweat and tears

Yesterday morning while out on a walk, the Big Dog (aka Ace, aka Trouble) took off after a bunny. While thrilled to have bunnies in the neighborhood, I wasn't prepared for the force of his sprint and as I braced myself and held on for dear life, the leash collapsed on my middle finger. I dropped to the ground in agony, assuming he had broken my finger. I guess it's just bruised, but man that hurts. Did I mention he goes home tonight? T minus 8 hours...

#kidding #kindof #sorrynotsorry

Friday, October 2, 2015

Kiss of death

Went on a second date recently with a guy who was nice, but a HORRIBLE kisser. Like seriously terrible. I was counting the seconds for it to be over. At this stage in my life, I know I shouldn't be so picky. And maybe you can teach someone to be a better kisser. But at 38, I don't have time for that. And at 35, you would hope he would know? #ontothenext

Thursday, October 1, 2015

I swear it wasn't there a second ago

I spent about an hour this morning looking for an email I received, searching all the folders where I might have moved it and even checking sent and deleted files. I finally gave up - and then saw it sitting comfortably still in my inbox. #gonnabealongday