Monday, August 31, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Pickles and Passive-Agressiveness

They should rename this  program as The Joe and Sam show. Because it's always about them. And last night was no exception. After freaking out that Joe had too much drama and accepting Justin's date request, Samantha does a complete 180 and decides she really wants to be with Joe after all. Screw the drama (this, by the way, would make an excellent drinking game - drink every time Sam says "drama." You'd be wasted in no time!).

Sam breaks the news to Justin, who quickly rebounds by asking out Amber. She wishes Dan would show more interest, but figures maybe going out with someone else would convince him, so she accepts. They hit the town for some salsa dancing and making out, which then makes her cry because she misses Dan. The struggle is real, y'all.

The next lucky entrant to Paradise is none other than Chris Bukowksi, who has been on almost every other Bachelor program in history. (NOT something to brag about, but he does anyway -
"5th time's the charm!".) He has a date card, but decides to get wasted instead. Word on the street is that he wants to ask Tenley out, so one of the girls pulls Ten aside to warn her. "This could be an awkward pickle, so I wanted to let you know about the pickle beforehand." All this pickle talk made me giggle, but that's neither here nor there.
Chris finally pulls himself together enough to indeed ask Tenley out, and she politely declines. (Well, technically accepts but tells him she won't be kissing him ever.) Chris is done with Paradise (after a few more tequila shots), and gives his date card to Joshua, who also asks Tenley out and she accepts! They head to Guadalajara (not Laguardia, Joey Tribbiani) where they eat spicy peppers and "horny" fruit and make out in a horse carriage.

Amber returns from her date and pulls Dan aside, telling him she was only thinking of him while sucking face with someone else (um, thank you?). Dan drops the hammer, telling her they are just friends, because he wants to purse someone else...SAM! Come on people. She's pretty and whatever, but she CRAZY. (sic) I would have thought Dan would have better judgement, but as Carly says, the ocean is like Samantha-water, and all the guys are drinking it.

So now Amber is stressed about who to give her rose to at the rose ceremony, and so is Ashley I. Jared told her he wasn't interested, so she does what any crazytown rational girl would do - write a 5 page letter (FRONT AND BACK! Second Friends reference FTW) proclaiming her love. Oy. After he finishes reading/skimming, Jared needs a drink. Amber sidles up to him at the bar to announce that she is intrigued by him and would he accept her rose if she offered it? Poor Jared is caught between two crazies, neither of whom he is remotely interested in.

Amber then tells Ashley I what she just did, and I is not impressed. In fact, she is "emotionally overwhelmed." As opposed to, say, every other day when she's crying like a baby?? It's now a fight to the finish - who will get to offer up their flower first? (And yes, sexual innuendo intended. Duh)

Dan sees Joe and Samantha chatting closely, and knows his time is almost up to have a shot at his latest conquest. He pulls her aside and starts saying how Joe is not a good guy, and he would hate to see her end up with him. Joe senses the bad mojo and pulls Sam away for a kiss. She returns to Dan, who explains that after Paradise if she's out with her friends and her phone dies, Joe would go ballistic. Not that far-fetched.

Rose ceremony time! The easy couples go first: Jade and Tanner. Carly and Kirk. Ashley S (whose crazy is coming out in full force these days) and Nick. Tenley and Joshua. Juelia and Mikey. Ashley I and Jared, who actually accepts. Amber and Justin. And Sam and Joe Dan. What now?

Sam has once again played these fellas like a fiddle, and now she's onto the next. Dan actually believes they have something (poor sweet dumb Dan), and the rest of the gang starts to feel a little sorry for Joe, since it seems Sam was the master manipulator. (insert evil laugh here) Joe confronts Sam before he leaves, asking what in the hell just happened. Sam doesn't have much of an excuse aside from "no more drama" (where's Mary J Blige when you need her), and Joe threatens to show the text message in which she tells him to stay no matter what the cost. ("I will find you!" Thanks Last of the Mohicans) She denies denies denies, but in the exit limo he does pull up said text and admits that he deserves better.

But Joe being Joe, he closes with this lovely parting remark:


Sam again tries to defend herself to the rest of the Paradisians, but Ashley S starts yelling at her, asking if Dan was also one of the guys she talked to before they arrived, and she is struck by her beauty! (Not sure she knows what that actually means.) She can't get over Sam's beauty, actually - compares her to Aphrodite, but not born out of a flower. "She's like a dead bird to me." And there you have it.

Chelsie arrives with a date card, and Carly decides she must push Dan on her in order to get Sam sent home once and for all. Stay tuned...


Friday, August 28, 2015

Shouldn't church be free?

Looking at activities for my upcoming trip to Europe, and I wanted to go see the Vienna Boys Choir while in Vienna. They sing at mass on Sundays, but you don't actually get to see them until the very end. Oh - and it's like $100. For a church service. No offense boys, but I think I'll just download a few of your songs on iTunes and bring a Bible. Done and done. #amen

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Soapbox time.

I try to keep this blog light and upbeat, but yesterday's events in Virginia have really shaken me. Perhaps it's because I went to school to be a TV reporter, and easily could envision myself as Alison Parker. Or perhaps it's because these people were literally assassinated on live television. Yes, that must be it.

I live in Texas, and therefore I'm sure I am in the minority with my views on gun control. But the people that say "guns don't kill people; people kill people" just aren't correct! Guns DO kill people, and in America they kill people by an enormous margin over any other country:

I have friends who will no longer go to movie theaters, following the shootings in Colorado and Louisiana. (I foresee metal detectors coming soon to a theater near you.) Schools. Churches. And now just random people doing their job on the street. It's terrifying to me, and I'm not even a parent! I can't imagine how scared I would be raising a child in this nightmare.

If guns can't be banned entirely, at least make it more difficult to purchase one. Then, if the person is crazy and still wants to kill, they will - but perhaps that week or month of waiting will instead allow them to cool off and think rationally. Or get medical attention. Or whatever the case may be.

I am about to write my congressman, although living here I doubt it will do much good. But at least I can say I was proactive.

I hope expressing my opinion doesn't lose too many readers, but hey - it's my blog. :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Ignorance is bliss

So I joined the NextDoor app when I moved into my house, in order to be "in the know" with what was going on in my neighborhood. (And considering how many of my neighbors are elderly, it's amazing how many people are on this app! Who knew??)

However, some days I learn too much about what's going on in my neighborhood. I even think I would rather not know. One recent morning I woke up to the following posts:

"Large coyote spotted in the church parking lot!"
"I accosted a man trying to steal my car"
"Pitbull on the loose"

And yes, I do ask myself where have I moved, but part of me thinks if I had been on this app living in Uptown, there would have been similar posts. I was just living in ignorant bliss. And it was glorious.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap, featuring Amy Schumer and "Matt Damon"

I guess they are going to extend this Samantha-Joe debacle until the end of time the season, because another hour of Paradise and it's STILL not resolved. Well-played, producers.

Joe is still obsessed with Sam, and  even seeks advice from the other sad singleton on the island, Ashley I, who tells him to pretend like they've never met and start the relationship over again. Joe tries this out and it blows up in his face, as Sam completely ignores him. Ouch. He tells the camera she can either play nice and they can get married or all hell will break loose and she will crash and burn. Such a Casanova, this guy!

For some reason, Joe thinks blackmailing Samantha by threatening to show the text messages she sent will win her back. Maybe that works in Kentucky, pal, but Sam ain't fallin' for it. In fact, she remains freakishly cool and calm and decides instead to go out with the fresh meat, Justin. (Who claimed on Kaitlyn's season that he looked like Matt Damon. I don't see it.) Since Justin and Joe are friends, this does not sit well with our resident "vill," and the other guys are afraid he's going to blow. But they also see through Samantha's giggles, noting that she is the puppetmaster/chessmaster, with the end game being "total destruction." #truth

Meanwhile, Mikey gets a date card and invites Juelia to Guadalajara to see some good ol' Lucha Libre fighting. Because nothing says romance like wrestling. But Juelia is a good sport (literally), and even agrees to forgo her room and stay with Mikey in the fantasy suite. But they insist they "kept it classy."

Samantha stands by her "drama-free" desires, although Carly tells it like it is: "she's the one who BRINGS the drama!" Will Joe combust? Will Matt Damon "swoop" Sam off her feet? (Thanks Ashley) Stay tuned! TO BE CONTINUED

I don't usually blog about the "After Paradise" talk show because I find it pretty dumb, but they did announce that Ben H is the next Bachelor (the cougar in me rejoices), and Amy Schumer even called in to congratulate him and ask if he would have phone sex. #loveher

Joe and Juelia also appeared, and although he seemed somewhat sincere and embarrassed, I didn't entirely buy it. Why wait until you're on TV to apologize? (To be on TV, duh.) He's a keeper, folks.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: This epiosde brought to you by tequila.

Another dramz-filled episode last night, amiright? We're back with JJ and Joe on the verge of fisticuffs, but they decide to #squashit and walk away. For now. Joe has bigger things to tend to, like his budding relationship with Samantha. But Sam is quick to deny any pre-existing relationship, even though Tanner has seen the screenshots and knows she's lying. Clare even asks how she could do this to her "supposably" good friend, but Sam doesn't bat an eye. Creepy.

Just before the rose ceremony, everyone knows Juelia is on the chopping block and tries to find ways for her to stay, but she doesn't want a pity rose (who does?!). She goes to find Chris Harrison and asks to bring back Mikey, who seemed to like her at the beginning. Chris says this goes against precedent...(hint: that's not a no...)

This is neither here nor there, but I must at this point point out that Ashley I is wearing the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic:

The couples remain: Joe and Sam, Tanner and Jade, Kirk and Carly, Jared and Ashley, Joshua and Tenley. JJ gives his to Ashley S in a surprise move, and then excuses himself from the competition to go home and win back an ex-girlfriend. Loved the patriotic music behind his speech, after which he asks producers, "I didn't say anything stupid, did I?" #winning

Dan gave his rose to Amber, sending Megan, Clare and Juelia home. But wait - Mikey pops out of a suburban and is back to give he and Juelia another shot at paradise.

And speaking of shots...Tanner gets the next date card and invites Jade. They fly to Tequila, Mexico (who knew??), where they learn all about gin. Just kidding - it's tequila! They have a heart-to-heart and realize they are on the same page, and now Jade is officially Tanner's girlfriend. Aw. Thanks, tequila!

Nick from Ashley's season (and Bachelor Pad) arrives, ready to ask out Samantha. Because they were chatting for months prior to coming on the show, and texted and even saw each other in person! She told him if he would be in Paradise, she would say yes to a date with him. Wait a minute. I'm getting deja she was in communicado with TWO dudes prior to the show? Well-played, Sam. Verrrry evil and slutty of you. So when Nick shows up, her face pales - she's busted! Somehow she politely turns down his offer, and confused, he tells Mikey what's up. Not a fan of Joe (or Samantha, for that matter), Mikey revels in this new information.

Nick has no choice but to ask out Ashley S - she's the only one without a fella. So they head to the dock, where a boat is to take them to their own private Idaho island. But unfortunately a hurricane's a-comin', and the island is closed. Or, as the poor Hispanic captain tried to explain, "closed." But Nick and Ashley don't know what "closed" means in Spanish. Because they don't realize he's freaking speaking ENGLISH. Not the smartest duo, these two. After a few facepalms on my end, they decide to give up on the boat trip and hit a couples tequila massage instead, complete with lots and lots of tequila shots.  And some very awkward moments, when Ashley thought the birds were telling her to do naughty things to Nick:

I mean. No.
They end up drunkenly making out, but Nick thinks she is a little "off." #captainobvious

Back at home, Jared admits he still isn't over Kaitlyn, and it's time to dump Princess Jasmine, aka Ashley I. She cries (duh), and even calls Kaitlyn on the cell phone, asking "What the f@#$ did you DO to him?!" Not sure why Kaitlyn would even answer the phone, but assuming they paid her to do so.

There must be something in the water tequila - because now Sam is acting strange, and Joe can tell. It's his birthday, and all he wants is to spend it with his woman, who he admits is way out of his league. Joe plans a sad little birthday party for the two of them, and Sam uses this opportunity to break things off, saying it's "too much drama," and "maybe he's not such a good guy," and she'd like to "date around" in paradise, kthanks. Joe walks her out, still looking at his uneaten birthday cake, and vows revenge. He's going to show everyone the "700" text messages proving she was in on it from the beginning. He's gonna be like "Gotcha, bitch!"


Friday, August 21, 2015

#2 ain't bad.

Gimme an S!

One of the many, many TV shows I watch is Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. (Hey - gotta support the home team!) I was intrigued by this:

How does one get to be a "Showmanship Mentor," anyway? Because I would be very interested in this.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Wonder if he specifically asked for "J" names?

I am loving that Josh Duggar got busted for having multiple paid accounts on Ashley Madison. Not sure why this makes me so giddy, but it does. Maybe this, coupled with his sexual abuse of his sisters, will make that crazy family a little more humble and accepting of others, since they aren't exactly the portrait of perfection. Sheesh.

Also heard that over 15,000 of the accounts had .gov or .mil email addresses, and thousands more were .edu. Which brings me to a point I would never think I would have to make: DON'T USE YOUR WORK EMAIL WHEN CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE. That's what gmail is for, dummies!


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It's a man's world. At least, it is at Home Depot.

Saturday I went to Home Depot, as I'm apt to do almost weekly these days, and bought caulk and nuts. I giggled to myself, realizing how many tools have male names. And so glad I was able to find this stuff on my own - not sure I could have gone up to a salesman and said, "I'm looking for nuts and cock." Jesus.

Side note: OBSESSED with caulking. Another unfortunate sentence coming in 3...2...1...: I love caulking cracks. HEY-OH

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Joe lies (when he cries)

I tried to find that clip from Say Anything, but no dice. Hopefully y'all catch my drift on this one.

Last night's episode was pretty focused on the Joe-Juelia-Samantha fiasco, once again. We quickly learn that Samantha is in on the scheme - she won't talk to Juelia about it without Joe present - but she chooses to play it coy and wants Joe, who has quickly become public enemy #1, to do the same. Too bad that Joe already came clean (ish) and outed their prior contact, including a text from Sam that told him to "do anything it takes to still be there" when she arrived. Samantha even goes so far as to kick out the guys and push out the camera, hiding behind a bunk bed and telling Joe she lied to producers and he should to. And then she bends down and sees the camera is filming this entire exchange, so she closes the door. #sketchymuch

Joe is defensive as usual, particularly when confronted by JJ (semi-redeeming himself from the "villains gotta vill" on Kaitlyn's season). He doesn't see anything wrong by what he did, even saying Jared did the same thing. Jared pipes up that he did NOT do the same thing, thank you very much. Dates with two different girls doesn't equal starting a relationship with someone beforehand and lying to someone else about it. JJ makes the valid point of why don't they just take their forbidden love and leave the island altogether?? And then makes a confusing point about Joe being circular and needing a straight edge. What now?

In other BIP news, Dan accepts Amber's date request, but wants to smooth things over with Ashley S first. This does not go well, and Ashley ends up hanging out with her real friends, the parakeets (one in particular named Juanita). The crazy is back, folks! Hide your kids, hide your wives. Dan and Amber hit the town and a crowd of people start chanting "beso!" until they kiss. And then "otro!" until they do it again. How much were these people paid, is my question.

Megan and JJ also have a date, yachting and jet-skiing with dolphins (and Megan hopes if things go well there will be some motorboating as well - HEY-OH). JJ announces that her perky breasts and blonde hair more than make up for the fact that he's smarter than her, and Megan announces that "I've never been wet so quickly on a date." Annnnnd scene.

We end the evening with another TO BE CONTINUED, as JJ and Joe seem on the verge of fighting. Bring on the lucha libre!!

Special shout-out to Jorge the bartender for making the opening credits! These remain the most enjoyable part of the show to me. #speaksvolumes

Monday, August 17, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: The "Vill" of the hunt

So Joe sucks. That is pretty much the summary of last night's episode. But in case you want the sordid details...

We open back at the rose ceremony, with Clare having a meltdown to Chris Harrison (the raccoon must have been busy). She wants to leave - there's no one to love - but decides in the end to give her rose to JJ. Ashley I is thrilled, giving hers to Jared, and Juelia makes the Worst Decision Ever and chooses Joe, sending Mikey, Michael and Jonathan home.

Joe had already mentioned (to producers, not to Juelia) that his dream girl was Samantha, and of course that's who arrives next in Paradise! (Weird how this stuff happens, isn't it?) It should be noted that Sam is wearing lace pants. I detest lace pants. Moving on. She beelines it for Joe, asks him on a date, and they come back to the group holding hands. Juelia is not amused - Samantha was her closest friend on Chris' season, and obviously she thought she and Joe had a connection...#realitybites

But others also questioned the speed at which Joe and Samantha became a couple, but when asked point-blank if they had communicated before Paradise, Joe denied everything. (Although apparently told Tanner that yes in fact they did.)

Joe and Sam's date involved a People magazine photoshoot with scantily clad outfits and under-the-shower makeouts. Samantha couldn't stop giggling, and they returned to the group once again hand in hand, and Sam even had a bouquet of flowers. Joe acted as if Juelia wasn't even there, telling everyone what an amazing date they had, and Juelia admitted to feeling disrespected and invisible. Joe didn't see that he had done anything wrong - "It's not church camp!" - but Jared and Joshua convinced him to go talk to Juelia. Which he barely did, refusing to face her and refusing to apologize. #teamjuelia

The cracks may be showing in the foundation of some of the OG relationships - namely Carly and Kirk and Dan and Ashley S. Carly is super horny and turned on by Kirk, but he just got out of a two-year relationship and isn't ready to jump into things (or jump into bed). Carly gets the date card and rocks a special side-braid just for the occasion. Kirk tries to express his concerns, but Carly is giddy and calls her brother in Ireland on his wedding day (which she missed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Let's let that sink in for a second.), and Kirk decides to man up and sleep with his woman. Who the next morning he says is "like a pinball machine." Ummmm okay.

Dan won't man up with Ashley S, though - her crazy is starting to show, and he wants out. So they have a heart-to-heart and Ashley is blindsided (these girls are super clueless, no?), telling him without him, she is just going to leave the show. Dan doesn't seem to mind this outcome, and hopes someone new will be arriving.

That someone new is Megan from Chris' season, who is so dumb it's embarrassing. She gets lost (as does her luggage) on her way to Paradise, buying a "sobrero" and a muumuu from a street vendor and announcing "Aloha, Mexico!" upon arrival. Facepalm.

Dan is interested, for some unbeknownst reason, but Megan opts for JJ, and wakes him out of a snoring slumber to ask him on a date. This JJ guy gets a lot of sleep. Just saying.

Speaking of dumb, we have another unfortunately edited scene of Clare talking on her cell phone to...wait for it...the raccoon! Not sure whose pet raccoon this is, but I'm impressed. He handles a cell phone much like he handled the bottle of wine a few weeks ago. Poor little raccoon. And poor Clare - I hope she's getting paid extra to get ridiculed like this.

But back to the Joe-Juelie-Samantha love triangle (I miss love squares!) - Ashley S calls what he did to Juelia "emotional abuse," which might be a tad dramatic, but the guys agree you don't shoplift the pootie of a single mom and widow. (shout-out, Jerry Maguire) They insist he talk to Juelia again and actually apologize. But again, Joe acts like a jerk, finally admitting to a month of social media, texts and calls (!) with Samantha before Paradise. Juelia says she feels used, and as a friend to Samantha, feels obligated to tell her what happened. This switches something on in Joe, and he quickly accepts responsibility for everything and says he's sorry. Amazing what the threat of losing your hook-up can do to a guy.

Samantha has now entered the room, and wants to know what's going on. What happened to Juelia to make her so upset??


Friday, August 14, 2015

Probably a sign that I should start going back to church.

Is it sacreligious (or just downright rude) to ask a co-worker to turn down their gospel music at the office? I just got to work, and the office next door is blaring gospel. BLARING. So I can't focus. Guess I can just pop my earbuds in and blare 80s on 8 to myself.

Can I get an amen?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Beggars can't be choosers, but...

Actual email from a Match guy...

...which I did not respond to.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Vocal stylings

I have had two guys recently tell me I have a great voice. Not singing voice, mind you (they're not delusional) - speaking voice. Now that's a compliment I've never heard before. (Except now, twice.)
Always nice to get positive feedback on something you have no control over. As opposed to, say, your hairstyle/perfume/basically anything else that could be changed with a little cash or effort.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Love squares and douchebags

It's week two in "Paradise," but there are so many tears (from girls AND guys), it seems more like "Hell."

Lauren (Ashley I's plus-one) is over it (again), and she wants to go home. She's sweaty, she doesn't like people, and - surprise! she's a mistress to some dude back home. And is perfectly fine with it. She is ready to pack up, but Ashley convinces her to stay one more night to see if her crush Joshua (welder from Kaitlyn's season) will arrive in Paradise. After crying and blowing her nose for about 3 minutes, Lauren agrees.

And arrive he does! But unfortunately for Ashley, he likes Tenley and asks her on a date. Lauren packs her bikinis and wheels her suitcase down the beach, as sister Ashley weeps. As usual. JJ, meanwhile, is super confused as to why a catch like Tenley would go for a "carp" (aka botttomfeeder) like Joshua. Basically he knows his days are numbered on the island.

Tenley has butterflies around Joshua (can we just call him Josh, for the love) and his gigantic man-hands, and reveals that she portrayed Ariel at Tokyo Disney. Cue the animated birds flying around her head. This is a perfect job for Tenley, in my humble opinion. They dance, they take tequila shots, they kiss. All very Disney-esque.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kentucky Joe arrives, and he's been hyped as the funniest guy around! But instead he broods quietly, barely speaking to anyone (except Clare, who he calls out for being in Paradise twice). Apparently he was hoping to give his date card to Samantha. But she's not here, so Juelia basically invites herself on the horseback riding date. This angers Jonathan, who gave Juelia his rose and hopes Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg.

Clare is sad. And who does she turn to when she's sad? Her raccoon pal. Who has clearly devised a coping mechanism for her crazy:

Tenley and Joshua return, only to have Tenley swept away by JJ. Putting on the full court press, JJ starts smooching her and convinces  himself he's back in the running. Cut to Tenley and Joshua, half-naked and making out while JJ snores in his bunk.

Joe and Juelia ride horses and kiss under a waterfall, and Juelia is taken by the fact that Joe asks about her daughter. She thinks this means he did his research, but I think he just couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

Back at the house, Joshua is relaying stories about taking Molly in Vegas, and how he wished they could all have coconuts filled with Molly on the group date. Talk about "Paradise..." But looking around the room, everyone else seems horrified and Mikey and Dan feel they need to protect poor Disney Tenley from this hoodlum. She starts to cry, because everyone cries, and confronts Joshua about his druggie past. He claims to have only "tried it once" and "only partied in college," and somehow little naive Tenley believes him.

Joe and Juelia return from their date, and Ju is giddy but Joe could care less. He even admits to a producer that Juelia seems dumb, was not a good kisser, and he really just wants her rose so he give it to Samantha (who he hopes will be appearing sooner rather than later). And playing the role of douchebag: Kentucky Joe!

Jared gets a date card and invites Clare, to Ashley's dismay ("I can't lose him to a cougar!"). They bungee jump off a cliff, and Clare screams way too loud for way too long. She is thrilled to return to the house to tell everyone that they kissed, which sets Ashley off on another crying jag. Seriously - she should promote waterproof mascara or fake lashes or whatever the hell is on her eyes, because the crazy amount of tears doesn't hamper her eye makeup. #jealous

Next to arrive is diabetic lawyer Michael G, who has only one mission: Tenley. Goodness, last week this girl had no one and now she finds herself in a "love square!"

Mikey G (not to be confused with Mikey T) asks Tenley (or, in his mind, Elevenly) on a date and she accepts. They listen to mariachi music and get some making out in for good measure. #viva

Jared and Clare have a heart-to-heart back at the house, where Jared lets her down not so easily: "You're 8 years older than me. I look great." Oof. Hurricane Clare starts brewing.

Jonathan and Mikey T both pull Juelia aside to voice their concerns about Joe not being here "for the right reasons," so Juelia pulls a classic BIP move and confronts Joe directly. He opts to confront Mikey and Jonathan directly, because he wants the rose, dammit. In the process he "hashtag made Mikey my bitch" and treated Jonathan "like I was his pimp," leaving Jonathan a sobbing mess and forcing him to apologize to Juelia for falsely accusing Joe of bad behavior. What the hell is this guy's deal. Creeper, level 5.

And speaking of creeper...right before the rose ceremony, Clare erupts at the group, saying they are way worse than Bachelor in Paradise season 1, because that cast was here for love, not for twisted games and politics. And just keeps yelling. At no one.

Jade responds at the rose ceremony that she is offended by Clare's insinuations, and she is there for love, thankyouverymuch. Clare oddly responds with a "if the shoe fits, wear it" and storms off sobbing (which should be the drinking game of the night) because once again there's no one there with love for Clarebear.

A few roses are given out:
Carly to Kirk
Ashley S to Dan
Jade to Tanner
Tenley to Joshua

And then we're hit with a "to be continued..." DAMMIT PEOPLE.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Next time, we're going out to the movies.

NOTE: I haven't finished watching Bachelor in Paradise, so tomorrow's post will be a double-whammy, recapping Sunday AND Monday. Sorry peeps.

My mom was in town this weekend to help with the house, and she kept joking that it was like she was in prison: she was forced to work hard all day (sometimes in 105 degree heat) for no pay and very little food. Ha.

But I was at least going to reward her with movies. The last time she visited, we talked about The Day After Tomorrow, but she had never seen it. We looked for it on Netflix, but to no avail. A few days after she went home, it was on TV so I recorded it and have been saving it for her ever since. So we eagerly turned it on Friday night, only to find that I had recorded a channel I do not subscribe to, so the recording was blank. (I rented it on iTunes and we were able to watch it after all, but still. Kind of a letdown.)

The second letdown came Saturday night, when we decided to watch School Ties, a classic featuring a baby-faced Matt Damon and Ben Affleck that my mom was excited to watch. Only to find out that I recorded it on a Spanish movie channel, so the movie was totally dubbed en espanol.

Good lord. I am terrible at this.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Benny can you hear me

I have had several dreams about Ben Affleck over the years. They started off with my being friends with Ben and Matt, hoping he would one day like me as more than a friend. A few more dreams followed, perhaps with a makeout sesh or two. Then the other night I dreamed that he made some announcement on social media that he was in love with me. I mean, it could happen. (Although I feel my odds of being friends with Jennifer Garner are higher than ever being Ben Affleck's girlfriend, and hos before bros, right?)

I have officially lost it. I know.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Little hippies in the making.

My cousin and her family drove through Dallas on Friday as part of their two-week, cross-country vacation. This was the tail-end of the trip, and they were all still talking to each other. #miracle

The boys, Oscar and Otis, are adorable and hilarious. For example: while in Austin, they stopped at the LBJ museum, and apparently there's a Vietnam section of the museum that includes some of the 1960s protests. So at dinner, Otis (the 5-year-old) starts chanting, "LBJ! LBJ! How many kids did you kill today?!" He was so proud of himself, he repeated it throughout the evening.

Hilarious - the one thing he took from the entire trip. I envision him going back to kindergarten and teaching all his little friends the power of peaceful protest. #makelovenotwar

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Another night in Paradise

Gotta hand it to the producers - at least they know how cheesy this show is and can make fun of themselves. Most ridiculous show open ever, but since this show is ridiculous, it kind of works.

We're back with Clare entering the house, and she quickly learns that most of the guys are already paired off into "relashies." We don't waste time in paradise, people. Abbreviations and quick hookups are the way to go. The only two bachelors left are Mikey and JJ, neither of which she's very excited about, but after consulting with a crab (her raccoon pal must have been busy), and Mikey telling her how much he wants to go on a date, Clare takes him to a very awkward couples yoga session. Because all the dates have to take place on the property and producers are simply out of options. Mikey thoroughly enjoys himself, hoping to experience "downward Clare" in private. Ew, dude.

Lucky for them, Ashley S was stricken with some unknown medical issue and had to be taken off-site in an ambulance. Dan decided to join, and by the time they got back, they too were an item. (Methinks the Mexican hospital must have given Dan some pretty decent drogas to get him on the same wavelength as crazytown.) Ashley gets the next date card, and invites her hospital buddy along, which pisses Tenley off - she blew her hair out and everything, guys! Ashley tells Dan their ER date was the best one she's ever been on (bless her heart), and he makes her either feel like a woman or a child. Alrighty.

Tenley is getting nervous back at the house. She hasn't matched with anyone, and fears her time is running out, so she grabs Jared for a stroll on the beach. Tenley's "old," according to Ashley I (um, 31), and Ashley refuses to lose her Aladdin to such a coug. So she interrupts their beach walk and tries to solidify their relationship, but Jared won't give her much to go on, saying he's just going to play things by ear. Cue Ashley tears. Her sister consoles her by saying they should just go home - she deserves a guy who likes real boobs anyway - and speaking of, her boobs are really burned! More SPF, intern!

As the rose ceremony approaches, JJ's rose is the only one up for grabs. Jillian feels confident that she sealed the deal with a smooch and his word last night, but we all know these people have no ethics. So when Tenley makes a final play for JJ and tells him "you can kiss me if you want to," we all know his rose has turned elsewhere.

Sure enough - rose pairings are:

Tanner and Jade
Jonathan and Juelia
Mikey and Clare
Jared and Ashley (who is SO relieved guys!) and Lauren
Dan and Ashley S
Kirk and Carly
And JJ and Tenley, sending Jillian and her little black box home. Sigh.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise - Love, Mexican Style

No rest for the weary - we're back in "Paradise" (aka Mexico) with a new crop of Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects - and it's a two-night premiere! Great. Because four hours of this is just what I need to start my week. (No, really.)

Chris Harrison is enjoying a tropical drink in a coconut and looking forward to this trainwreck of a season as he introduces...

The ladies:
Jade - Playboy-posing "wild stallion" that all the boys like
Tenley - rainbows and handstands (and not at all bitter that her ex Kiptyn just had a baby with someone else)
Ashley I - of the fake eyelashes, Aladdin fantasies and teas
Lauren I - Ashley I's younger, sluttier sister. Because that's what we wanted. More crylashing.
Ashley S - onion-loving resident of crazytown
Jillian - back with new boobs and that same black bar. Also apparently only packed bikinis.
Juelia - single mom whose ex killed himself - deserves some fun in the sun
Carly - the cruise ship singer who has apparently gone overboard (heh) with the extensions and highlights

The dudes:
Jared - freshly dumped by Kaitlyn, ready to mingle - with ALL the ladies
Mikey T - self-proclaimed "alpha male" who is instantly drawn to Lauren, although she does not feel the same
Tanner - pokes fun at the fact that Kaitlyn didn't even know his name, and is back to change that (sidebar: he does NOT look good in drag)
JJ - the "bad boy" - but where's Clint?
Dan - seems like the most mature and normal of the group. Which means he is probably not long for this world.
Kirk - instant connection to Carly, who tells him he smells good all the time. Aw.
Jonathan - also fresh off Kaitlyn's season, he's psyched about all the T&A at the beach

We learn that the I sisters come as a package deal - one gets a rose, the other gets to stay. Other contestants are a bit miffed - could they have brought THEIR sibling?? - but alas. These two should probably get their own spin-off, from Lauren tweaking Ashley's ponytail to make it "a little more Ariana," to Lauren telling Ashley her shoes are hideous, she is way too sweaty and her makeup application needs work, it's fairly amusing. (And also a little mean to Ashley)

Ashley S, meanwhile, is taken by the birds. She loves them, guys.

Before the date cards arrive, Chris Harrison invites everyone down to the beach for a surprise: Marcus and Lacy's wedding! These two tanaholics met on last season of Bachelor in Paradise, and clearly only invited like four people to the nuptials. But get hitched on TV they did, serving as the #relationshipgoals for the rest of the group.

Later that night, the drinks are flowing and relationships are forming. Carly and Kirk are already making out, Jared steals Jade away for a walk by the beach, and Lauren bawls about wanting to go home because everyone is so old and she doesn't like people. Ashley puts her sister to bed and then tries to form words around Jared, the only guy in the house who fulfills her Aladdin fantasy. She is struck dumb and mute, which of course makes her cry. She is finally able to formulate a sentence...and it's about Princess Jasmine. Sigh.

The next day, the first date card goes to Ashley I, and she wants to invite Jared. But does Jared like Jade? Would he turn her down? OMG what should she do?? Her sister convinces her to ask him, and she does. Thank god he accepts - imagine the tears if he said no - and they hit the mud in a Jeep, followed by champs on the beach. Ashley is in love. Not so sure what Jared is thinking.

Jade gets the next date card, and wonders if she should wait until Jared gets back and invite him out again. Has anyone ever been picked twice in a row on this show? Way to go, Jared. But wait - Jade decides to invite Tanner, who is super stoked to be with a playmate and can't believe his good fortune to meet her in person. They have chemistry, they make out at dinner, and Jade suggests stripping down to their skivvies and hopping in the river (thunder and lightning be damned). Personally I would be more concerned about leeches/pirhanas in that water, but whatever.

The thunder also acts as an excellent foreshadow that something is brewing - and that something is Clare. She's baaaaaaack!

Stay tuned for night two of the agony and the ectasy.