Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Happy 2015 everyone!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Of particular interest: the "Do Not Acknowledge" in the Time Share Area (and having been to Cabo, this is an excellent tip), and of course the Bar located just outside. Viva Mexico, indeed.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
"Two midgets shitting into a bucket"
"Three dicks at the same time"
And occasionally "Fire a rifle into the air while balls deep inside a squealing pig"
So there's that.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Friday, December 12, 2014
Girl Talk - I specifically remember there were little red dot stickers that were "zits" - nice
Fashion Plates - LOVED these
Barbie and the Rockers - not only did I own them all, but I believe I had the cassette tape as well
Get in Shape, Girl - completely useless, but amazing. Particularly the ribbon for "rhythmic gymnastics?"
She-ra - although I don't think I had the castle. Dammit.
Strawberry Shortcake dolls
Cabbage Patch Kids - duh. I had like 10 of these, including twin preemies
Pound Puppies - had a bunch of these as well
My Little Pony
Charm Necklaces - so third grade, I can't even.
Barbie Dream House - not sure I had the Corvette, though. Dammit.
Care Bears - complete with Care Bear Stare
Sharp Boombox - HELL YES. I had a lavender one that I carried around like a total idiot.
Jem - might be her for Halloween 2015. Outrageous.
See-through phone - I didn't have this, but man I wanted it. Dammit.
Summary: the 80s had way better toys then we have now. And I don't care that it makes sound older than dirt.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
At first I thought it was a typo, but it comes up like this every time. I mean they can't add one tiny e after his name to make it Jose? This isn't Jos. A Bank, people. #irat #yesileftofftheeinirateonpurpose #makingapointhere
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
It has a built-in fan, outlets for USB and MP3, a color video screen with sound, PLUS it can connect to the internet via wifi so I can freaking check email and check-in on Facebook from my elliptical.
And I just might.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Either way, bring on the carb-fest. Not going to let THAT go.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
See below for proof:
We have 12 friends in common?! 12 people I know know her? She's getting divorced, apparently - she needs a girls night out! I'm in, Angie. Have your people call...well, me.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Two very similar-sized, orange-colored tubes greeted me. I initially grabbed the one on the left. Good thing I glanced down before rubbing it all over my face:
That could have been fairly unfortunate. And uncomfortable.
Monday, November 17, 2014
UPDATE: Now her 9-year-old brother is following me as well. #pressure
Friday, November 14, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Friday, November 7, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Of particular interest, the crowd booing and the lion roar. What - no seal bark? No sneeze? (Actually, these probably do exist somewhere.)
Someday, I will finally live out my dream of never having to speak and only communicating through buttons.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
Sidebar: google "no eyebrows." Why are there 1000 images of celebrities without eyebrows?!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
|1.||"Together Again"||Janet Jackson||5:01|
|2.||"As Long as You Love Me"||Backstreet Boys||3:32|
|4.||"Flagpole Sitta"||Harvey Danger||3:35|
|5.||"Say You'll Be There"||Spice Girls||3:56|
|6.||"All My Life"||K-Ci & JoJo||5:31|
|7.||"Never Ever" (Single Edit)||All Saints||4:46|
|8.||"If You Could Only See"||Tonic||4:21|
|10.||"Zoot Suit Riot"||Cherry Poppin' Daddies||3:53|
|11.||"Shorty (You Keep Playin' with My Mind)"||Imajin||4:54|
|15.||"I Will Buy You a New Life"||Everclear||3:58|
|16.||"Fly Away"||Lenny Kravitz||3:41|
|17.||"Sex & Candy"||Marcy Playground||2:52|
Ohhhh Barbie Girl. That was my JAM in college. And K-Ci and JoJo? YES. Wonder if anyone out there has all 52 of these. That would be equally impressive and sad.
PS Headed to Seattle for a conference, so will blog again Friday!
Monday, October 27, 2014
2. "O-B-K-B" (the way Cliff talks after going to the dentist)
With a special honorable mention for Cockroach, the second-best named best friend on 80s TV (after Boner, of course.)
Friday, October 24, 2014
And the latest, Welcome to New York? Well it might just be the catchiest thing I have ever heard. Can't. Stop. Playing. It.
Add that to the fact that her cats are named Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson, and I might be a little obsessed.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
A co-worker suggested I try a new dating site, Farmers Only. All you need to do it watch the commercial to understand why I started giggling uncontrollably. I actually did go on the site to browse, and that set off another fit of giggles. Like 1 out of 100 lived in Dallas (no big surprise, given the site's motto), and most were over 60. Soooo probably not a fit for this city slicker.
Which of course then reminds me of Norman:
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
I also have become that person who turns away when she poops, to give her some semblance of privacy. Is that weird? (I know, yes.) Next thing you know, I'll be buying her Halloween costumes. Oh, wait...
Monday, October 13, 2014
That's right, folks - I wore a helmet. For slo-pitch softball. And then after hitting, I noticed that no one else out there was wearing one (except for a five-year-old kid). What the hell, people - I'm the last one to wear a helmet skiing (and went into that kicking and screaming), but the only jackass wearing a helmet when huge balls are flying around? (that's what she said, I know.)
So I begrudgingly took it over and went helmet-free the rest of the time. I'm sure my date was happy.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
I admit it: I am guilty of watching Blossom reruns on TV. They've been on lately, and I got curious. Didn't remember much about it from the early 90s. What I learned? Aside from the ridiculous amount of hats and Joey "whoa's," there isn't much there. (Shocking, I know.) Most episodes are "A Very Special Blossom," which really doesn't happen anymore. Maybe because there aren't that many sitcoms taped in front a live audience anymore. But seriously. Must we deal with eating disorders/drunk driving/theft/addiction in a 23-minute show that somehow wraps up nicely by the end credits? Bizarre. If we're going to go there, give me 90210 any day of the week. #whoa
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Clever, no? I thought so - until another captain came into my office telling me how horrible the posters were, and how little time did I spend on them?! WTMF, dude. It's a stupid bowling tournament. Who CARES about the posters. (Plus, I think they're cute!)
Just for that, I'm sticking him and his team way off by themselves in no man's land - the private lane area of the bowling alley. Because not only am I a team captain, I'm in charge of the Whole. Damn. Tournament. (That was very Hair Club for Men, wasn't it? "I'm not just the president - I'm also a client.")
Monday, October 6, 2014
Saw this movie yesterday and I am semi-obsessed with Rosamund Pike's hair. That plus the brief Ben Affleck full-frontal, and this movie gets two thumbs up from me. #easilyamused
Friday, October 3, 2014
At least I don't ask "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" But I might start.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
So my 90-year-old grandmother is concerned about Ebola being in Texas, and has apparently come up with a plan: I am to grab 15 dresses and my dog and drive to Oklahoma before they "close the border" (?!), and my brother and his wife (who live in Austin) are to drive down to Mexico. I am then to continue on to Colorado to stay with my grandmother, and I guess my poor brother is just supposed to fend for himself south of the border. Buena suerte. #nanaFTW
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Hell - I'd read it.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
And thank the lord, there were bathrooms.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
My biggest concern: how do you go to the bathroom?!
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
And ANOTHER thing: what gives with the self-service line? It would be so much faster if it didn't say "an associate has been notified to help you" every time. I did what the voice told me - I scanned my item and put it in the bagging area! Why does an associate need to verify this?! Or why do you think I removed my item from the bagging area? I respect the bagging area. Good lord.
I remember when the biggest dilemma at the grocery store was paper or plastic.
Monday, September 22, 2014
When Joey says it's a "moo point - like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. It's moo."
Joey trying to figure out air quotes.
Phoebe changing her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
The one with the lightning round, where we learn Monica's nickname was "Big Fat Goalie" and Chandler's father's show is called "Viva Las Gay-gas."
Kathleen Turner as Chandler's dad.
Chandler telling Phoebe "it's not Spiderman. It's not his last name - Phil Spiderman. It's Spider MAN."
Chandler being stuck in a box for Thanksgiving.
Brad Pitt coming to Thanksgiving dinner.
Monica dancing with a giant turkey on her head on Thanksgiving.
And of course, "we were on a break."
Long live Nick at Nite reruns.
Friday, September 19, 2014
But I guess I'm doing something right - giving blood yesterday, they gave me a mini-physical. The average resting heart rate is 60-100. Mine was 53. And the average blood pressure is 120 over 80. Mine? 97 over 63. Which actually sounded too low to me, but the nurse didn't bat an eye so I guess we're good? Or else I'm dead inside? Either way.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I have been thinking about driving out to Winstar casino to see a performance, stay the night, gamble a bit, then come home. (John Legend for NYE, anyone?!) I started giggling watching a commercial for the other nearby casino, Choctaw, last night - it was hyping up the place, showing the bright lights, the showgirls - and then at the very end the voiceover talks about what to do if you have a gambling problem. #irony
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
It's finally over, people. And what a ridiculous finale it was. We are promised no more rose ceremonies (well, except for that final rose one), no new people (well, except for the appearance of three "successful" couples from Bachelordom past), and no more date cards (well, except for the overnight fantasy suite dates that everyone gets). Basically, Chris Harrison lied to us.
But even before that chaos, the six couples left must decide if their "relationships" can survive outside of Paradise/Clare-a-dise/Sarah-dise (might be the last time I get to use this). AshLee feels certain she and Graham are in it for the long haul, and she wears rope around her head and bracelet-ring combos, so she must be in tune to emotions and stuff. Michelle doesn't believe her, so tells Graham to dump her. And he does. Graham is weak. Or Michelle is jealous. Something doesn't really add up here, but Graham and AshLee part ways. Apparently so do Zack and Jackie and Christy and Tasos, although they had about 30 seconds of screen time total. #supportingcharacters
So we're down to six. Counting the number of people left is very important to Chris Harrison. And to this guy:
Monday, September 8, 2014
- Mark-Paul Gosselaar's mom is Indonesian (aka his blonde hair was NOT natural, no big surprise there)
- Zack and Lisa Turtle had a thing!
- Jennie Garth was almost considered for the role of Kelly Kapowski, who she would later hate (as Valerie) on Beverly Hills 90210
- Screech smoked pot and drank his nerd troubles away
- Brandon Tartikoff rules (and after I IMDB'd him, learned that Punky Brewster was named after a girl he liked in grade school AND her dog Brandon was named after him. Mind blown.)
Friday, September 5, 2014
I also wouldn't let her lick me in the face for a few hours afterwards, just to be safe.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Brooks strides down the beach. We haven't seen him since he rejected Des on her season, but Sarah is excited he's there. Robert senses trouble, so tells Brooks he'll kill him if he asks her out. Understood, bra. Brooks instead asks out Jackie, and they have a fun dinner date in which Brooks asks to kiss her - but "only on the mouth." Alrighty.
Zack is worried - he needs to up his game if he wants to stick around. So he too asks Jackie out. I don't want to alarm anyone, but Jackie has now been out with FOUR different dudes since arriving in Mexico. Atta girl. They have a romantic date in a cave (aren't all cave dates romantic?), and she once again breaks her "no kissing on the first date" rule, which clearly is made up anyway.
Tasos also arrives, single and ready to mingle - and just in time, too - Christy is done with Jesse, who's last name should be changed to a bleeped-out curse word. That's all we heard: "Jesse is a &@%#$@#. What a %$@#*&#@." She found out that he messed around with Lucy (although I thought it was rumored they had a threesome, so wouldn't she be in the know?), plus the mindgames with Christy and Jackie, and is so over it. To his credit, Jesse doesn't really seem to care (although calling Tasos "Taco" is pretty lame). He just wants his free trip (and free booze) to last as long as possible.
But it's not looking good - Tasos and Christy have a great date involving floating down the lazy river and feeding each other grapes. Back at home, Michelle is freaking out that Cody has already said the L word. We are treated to many (many) shots of Cody working out - he has been nicknamed The Hulk, which is fairly accurate. Dude is HUGE. But Michelle is willing to give him and his giant quads a chance.
Jesse pulls Christy aside to see where she's at, and she tells him fairly point-blank that this isn't going anywhere. He is upset - no more free drinks?! - and decides to be proactive and head home. But not before Christy/Lacy/Michelle confront him in the exit limo. Again, Jesse shrugs it off and looks forward to lots of invites and emails when he gets home. Oh, Kovacs.
Lacy and Marcus
AshLee and Graham
Sarah and Robert
Michelle and Cody
Christy and Tasos
Jackie and Zack (sorry Brooks)
Next week, the finale. THANK GOD. Sarah-dise is coming to an end. I need a daquiri.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Speaking of Graham, the last episode made it look like he got cold feet about AshLee and bolted, when in fact it was just a bout of Montezuma's Revenge. Which seemed to sweep quickly through the group, and Lacey was taken to the hospital. But the rose ceremony must go on, and Graham accepted Ash's rose, Michelle is with Cody, Sarah gave hers to Robert and Jackie picked Jesse. Which means Marquel and his bright outfits are going home. And it also means new peeps are on the way...
Enter Christy (?) from Juan Pablo's season (?). I don't think she said more than three words on the Bachelor, which is why when she opened her mouth in paradise I couldn't believe how annoying her voice was. She went straight for Zack with her date card, but he politely declined because he
Sarah gets a date card and invites Robert. She hopes he will kiss her and she won't end up back in the Friend Zone - and he finally does! She seems a little more aggressive than him, but hey. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in a one-piece in Sarah-dise. (yes, I plan on using this phrase a LOT)
Cody and Michelle seem to be getting hot and heavy - he's heavy, she's hot! Hey-oh. He uses her as a dumbbell and paints her toes, and she comments on how huge his quads and arms are. That's true love, people. They get a date card and have a bizarre engagement photo session followed by a semi-wedding. Odd.
Back at the house, Zack and Clare have an awkward conversation in which he tells her he's not sure a relationship is the right thing right now. Uh-oh. Clare, being Clare, doesn't take it well and runs into the woods to talk to her bestie, the raccoon. She tells Rocky she's having a panic attack (on national television!), and this is not Clare-a-dise, it's torture! The raccoon agrees (well, he runs back into the woods, but I'm sure he agrees), and Clare packs up and leaves. Poor Clare.
Enter Lucy, the "free spirit" from Juan Pablo's season. (It's like a damn revolving door in paradise!) Lucy waltzes in with flowers in her hair (literally), but quickly decides it's time to bare all (also, literally). Black boxes become her bathing suit as she lures Jesse into the ocean and asks him on a date. They have some cervezas and share a few besos, but Jesse can't for the life of him remember her name and calls her "what's her nuts" multiple times. Luckily he can remember Christy's name at the rose ceremony. Because that would be awkward. Especially after he apparently had a threesome with both ladies? Holy Whore-a-dise.
AshLee and Graham have a cheesy race car date, allowing
Rose ceremony time:
Lacy and Marcus, who share an uncomfortably long kiss
Sarah and Robert
AshLee and Graham
Michelle and Cody
Zack and Jackie (last-minute ditch effort, well-played sir)
Jesse and what's her nuts (kidding, Christy)
And I'm spent.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Cody is only interested in Clare and asks her out. She hems and haws - what about Zack?! So she asks Zack what he would do in her position, and he gives a roundabout answer - "depends on who the girl is." Ouch. Clare is NOT amused. Nobody puts Clare in a corner. But Clare still turns Cody down and devotes her attention - and her smooches - to Zack. Cody decides to give his date card to the lovebirds Marcus and Lacy, and quickly turns to Michelle, who seems psyched to be wrapped in his gigantic arms, tank top be damned.
Poor Kalon rolls up and no one is excited to see him. Everyone hates him and no one wants to go on a date with him. Literally, no one. Michelle accepts, then declines. Jackie says no. Sarah says no. So what does Kalon do? He goes on the damn date by himself. And has a full-on conversation with himself and pretends to make out with himself. Might be the best match in the history of this show.
Jesse asks Jackie on a date, although it seems more about wanting a rose than wanting Jackie. Marquel is not amused, yet still manages to smile a lot.
AshLee talks shit about Clare to Zack when she thinks the cameras aren't rolling - the cameras are ALWAYS rolling, sweetie - tells him he should date other girls because Clare had sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean. Damn, girl! Zack doesn't care and knows this is about to cause WWIII - and he's right. AshLee tries to backpeddle her way out of it but word gets back to Clare and She. Ain't. Happy. Strong personality plus emotional mess equals trouble in paradise...Clare is mad at Zack (again) for not standing up for her, and AshLee tries to sweet-talk her way out of it with the fakest apology ever. "You did nothing wrong!" (No shit sherlock) "I'm soooo sorry! I didn't mean to offend you!" etc.
Sure, sure. And we know she meant it because immediately afterwards she stormed inside and said "what a BITCH!" under her breath. Which was once again caught on camera.
At the rose ceremony, Michelle feels it necessary to tell Graham the truth about AshLee, since he is the last to know what she said to Clare. And he is not amused. What should he do?!
Lacy and Marcus
Clare and Zack
AshLee and...she offers it to Graham, he storms out, and the screen goes black.
To Be Continued. (tonight!!)
Monday, August 25, 2014
Speaking of one-night stands, Sunday morning around 9am I was walking the dog and saw two girls leaving my building in what could only be the most amazing walk of shame outfits ever. At first glance, I thought they were going to church, but when I got closer I realized that would be a hell no. They were both tottering around on super high heels and super short dresses - one of which was gold sequins. Amazing. NOT amazing grace.
Friday, August 22, 2014
I did have a slight bucket issue yesterday - a co-worker told me to go buy pickle buckets from a local sandwich shop. I stupidly thought they would WASH the buckets. But no. I had to drive back to work with the windows down, nearly crying and simultaneously gagging over the pungent odor. (Note: I do not like pickles. And now never will.)
Back at the office, someone told me I should leave coffee grounds in the car to evaporate the smell. So I did. And someone else gave me some extra-strength Febreze, so I sprayed that around in there as well. Nervous for a coffee-pickle-baby powder stench, I didn't know what to expect when getting into my car last night. But all good. It's a little coffee-ish, but thank god that pickle smell went away. #icebucketfail
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Marquel and Danielle hit the pool (in Campeche, of course) and almost get struck by lightning, but apparently Marquel doesn't get the metaphor because he is excited to go on the next date (also in Campeche) with Jackie, who is another new arrival. Methinks Marquel likes fresh meat. He and Jackie vow they don't kiss on the first date, and then kiss. Alrighty.
Crazy Elise gets a date card and invites
Graham and AshLee go on the exact same date (literally), but Graham was having doubts beforehand. He doesn't understand how AshLee could claim him without even asking him - maybe he wants to get to know other girls! But AshLee, who continues to tell the camera she's not crazy, knows she and Graham are meant to be - she follows him on Instagram, for god's sake! (NOTE: so do I.) Graham seems a bit afraid of her, which he probably should be, so agrees to the date. He seems even more afraid when he learns of her cyberstalking, and pulls the gentleman card by saying they should NOT share a room (gentleman or just scared - you be the judge), but they still dance (or at least AshLee dances for him) and smooch in front of a mariachi band. AshLee is enamored by his polite ways, and says she wants to take things slow as well - and have his babies. Sheesh. Subtle.
Marcus and Lacy continue to grow closer - Michelle says they should just go ahead and get engaged - and Clare and Zack do as well, although Zack seemed excited about Jackie's arrival but accepted his preordained fate of being with a psycho. (This is clearly a common theme.)
Time for the rose ceremony.
Marcus and Lacy
Zack and Clare
Graham and AshLee
Marcus and Jackie (ooh, sorry Danielle)
Robert and Sarah (ooh, sorry Michelle)
Chris and Elise - but wait! He can't give her his rose (heehee). He has to go home to take care of his knee. But would she join him? After knowing him for three days? You bet she would! Dylan who? The others think she is kind of insane for jumping in this quickly, but that's silly. She is COMPLETELY insane. Chris instead offers the rose to Michelle, who he believes deserves a shot at finding love. Aw.
So Danielle leaves alone, and Chris and Elise leave together, apparently. Curious to know how long that lasted. Or didn't.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Surfing was AMAZEBALLS. Like seriously the coolest thing I have ever done. It took my about 4 tries to get up, but after that I stood up every time. I had one nasty wipeout where I fell on my shoulder onto the hard sand, and it's possibly dislocated because it still really hurts, but totally worth it. I will say the full-body wetsuit, while warm, is not very flattering. And it was nice to see that even the really good surfers (including the grandson of the Body Glove creator - literally the first wetsuit - who was out there at the same time) wipe out too. The ocean brakes for no man. And happy to report I did not see any sharks. I decided not to ask my instructor if she had seen any, because I knew I would be terrified by the answer.
Hour and a half lesson and I'm totally hooked. Sign me up for surf camp in Costa Rica - who's with me?? Surf is UP, dudes.
Friday, August 15, 2014
There are a lot of people at the beach, playing volleyball, surfing, eating at restaurants,etc. in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday. They can't all be tourists, so it seems not a lot of people have actual jobs.
In typical hippie California style, I have passed a bazillion yoga studios (and seen yoga classes on the beach), plus parking spots complete with charging stations for electric cars.
California girls are easy to spot, both because they are so tan and blonde, and because they just look cooler than I will ever be. One girl wheeled past me on a skateboard wearing nothing but a tiny bikini, and looked fantastic.
Oh, and I managed to step in tar on my very first beach outing. I guess I am LITERALLY a Tar Heel now. (Gotta make jokes, cause that shit isn't coming off.)
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
This episode has a TON of crazy, starting with the very beginning. We learn that Michelle K (who left before the rose ceremony on her own last week) was having a not-so-secret rendezvous involving dental floss with the unfortunately named crew member Ryan Putz. (Seriously?! His last name is Putz?! Amazing.) We are then treated to a very sad and bizarre reenactment, which doesn't seem necessary - I can just explain it to you. After the rose ceremony, Michelle slams the door in host Chris Harrison's face not once, but twice ("He's only the HOST!"), and when another producer knocks the next day, Ryan is in the room with Michelle and panics, deciding to JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. And breaks both feet or ankles (we next see him in a hospital room with casts on both legs.) Holy crap. What a putz.
Back to the people still on the show...time for some new blood, and by that I mean more dudes in paradise! Chris Bukowski is back, people. He has now appeared on four iterations of this show, which has got to be A. some kind of record and 2. a fact that makes me very sad. He of course has a date card, and asks Clare to get pampered (aka couples massage!), and since Clare is desperate to make a connection with anyone at this point, she enjoys the rubdown.
Dylan is beginning to feel smothered by crazy Elise and tells her they should "see other people." Since most of these "other people" are coupled up, Elise has little choice but to pounce on Chris, who is back from his date with Clare and jumps at the chance to do "sexually amazing things" to Elise in the ocean for all to witness. Once Dylan finds out, he is not amused (even though Elise says she was thinking of him the whole time?!) and is pretty over the whole Elise thing, telling her not to offer him a rose (burn!). But since she's crazy, Elise sees this as just a little bump in the road. #foreshadowing
Time for another new arrival: Zack! I barely remember Zack, but clearly Clare does - she squeals that she's been waiting for him and leaps into his arms. Clare says Zack is low maintenance and drama free, which is good since she is the opposite of those things. And I guess she's over the Chris couples massage? And the ruins date with Robert? And Graham? But I digress. Zack has a date card, and chooses Clare. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.
Elise can't stop talking about her "relationship" with Dylan, and how everything is going just as she had hoped (what the hell is wrong with this girl?!). Chris is not amused that his chosen gf is mooning over someone he has nicknamed "Fat Damon" (the plumped up version of Matt Damon). But Dylan doesn't care - he wants to date Sarah and offers her the date card. Sarah is torn - Elise is her best friend - but agrees to dinner and they have a lovely time. Elise is a little pissed - "I told them they could go on a date, but not fall in love!" and has yet another DTR chat with Dylan on the beach. He again pushes her towards Chris, and she makes him repeat himself about 18 times. She refuses to grasp what he's trying to say, telling him"You are LITERALLY killing me!" Um, that is not the proper use of the word "literally." Isn't this chick a school teacher??
Now that those there for the wrong reasons have departed (take a shot), it's time for the rose ceremony.
Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Clare and Zack
Michelle and Marquel (tricky, since Marquel told her she drinks too much!)
Elise and Dylan. Who turns her down. As he said he would. Prompting a very awkward and crazy speech from Elise. Who I hope was drunk but somehow don't think so. And then turns and offers the rose to Chris. Who accepts. Elise and Chris, everyone!
Sarah and Robert. Dylan is surprised he didn't get the nod, but Sarah probably realized Elise would never let up until someone was dead or married, so time to shoot the hostage.
Next week, new faces and more Chris Bukowski dramz. Because why not.
Monday, August 11, 2014
What I don't love? That Kim Kardashian is putting out a book of 352 selfies. The fact that it's titled "Selfish" is fairly amazing, though.
Friday, August 8, 2014
I parked in a lot and the parking attendant told me that my car was her favorite. I felt this was a good sign that it would be a safe place to leave the car. Then thought it might be a sign that she would steal my car, but whatever.
I was "on the list" at the door and didn't have to buy a ticket. This was very exciting - I am very rarely on any sort of list. I got to hang out with Cole and meet the band before they went on, which was super cool.
99% of the crowd (and the band) was wearing black t-shirts and jeans, so my Tory Burch leopard dress and giant lime green purse stood out like a sore thumb (or, in more rock and roll terms, like a middle finger). I thought about buying a Gamblers t-shirt, but checked out the merch table and asked my brother if the shirts came in other colors besides black. He rolled his eyes - no, they did not. I took some "I'm-a-little-too-excited-to-be-here-look-that's-my-brother" photos and sipped water like the punk rock chick I am.
Cole told me I would NOT like the band playing after his. He started describing them as 80s punk rock, and my eyes got wide - I LOVE the 80s! But he said not this 80s. Apparently they used to just get on stage and do heroin. Not really my scene. (But that is SO 80s.)
I edged my way out of the club and was overjoyed to find my car still parked in the parking space. Wild night in Deep Ellum - partied like it's 1999. Literally.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
"Hey, it's Sarah. Sorry I missed your call, but leave me a message and I'll call you back!"
No, I probably won't. Wonder if I should re-record the truth:
"Hey, it's Sarah. Sorry I missed your call, but why don't you shoot me a text and I'll text you back immediately!"
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Tomorrow night my brother is playing guitar for one of his favorite bands, The Riverboat Gamblers. Their guitarist is out for a couple weeks, so they tapped my bro to play. It's all very "Rock Star." Also rock star? The fact that they don't go on until like 11pm. I promised I would go, but I wonder if it would be okay to wear my pajamas, since that is like way past my bedtime. Sooooo not a rock star.
Although if Pete Wentz does it, it must be okay.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Well, it's no rest for the weary - The Bachelorette is over and now straight onto Bachelor in Paradise (aka Tulum, Mexico). Which is basically a bunch of rejects from previous shows (some of whom I don't remember AT ALL) romping around in bikinis and Speedos (et tu, Marcus?!), getting a second shot at
Clare (runner-up on Juan Pablo's season; has seemingly ditched the rectangle necklace but still appears crazy)
AshLee (third place on Sean's season; has the hots for Graham and still seems crazy)
Michelle K (Jake's season, I remember her being weird and semi-psycho and she still is)
Sarah (Sean's season, has one arm)
Michelle Money (Brad's season; Bachelor Pad)
Daniella (Sean's season)
Lacy (got the boot on night one of Juan Pablo's season, explaining why I had NO IDEA who she was. Yet neither did Clare, and they were on the same show...)
Elise (Juan Pablo's season)
Ben (Des' season; the bad guy with a son)
Robert (Des' season)
Graham (DeAnna's season; good NC boy; Bachelor Pad)
Marcus (Andi's season; still "heartbroken" but will still swim in his red skivvies)
Marquel (Andi's season)
Dylan (Andi's season; so glad he cut his hair)
The show centers around date cards, and each week the girls and guys will alternate offering up roses to their potential
Clare gets the first date card, and asks Graham to join her at the ruins. She had a dream about this, y'all! She's going to pose with her arms raised! She's in Clare-adise! #killme. But wait - AshLee likes Graham. And somehow after only having met him 24 hours before, she has dibs. So she's pissed that Clare asked and that Graham said yes (um, what was he supposed to say - no? It's a game, people), and starts badmouthing Clare all over the villa.
Clare is upset and cries to a friendly raccoon that she doesn't want the drama (or the fire ants)! You picked the wrong show, sweetie. So she apologizes to AshLee and offers to either give her the date or pick someone else to appease the beast. AshLee likes this idea, so Clare then invites Robert as her sloppy seconds. And he agrees. Sigh. Graham tries to talk to AshLee to figure out how he managed to piss someone off on day two, but she gives him a "talk to the hand" brush-off and he has only a late-arriving Michelle Money to turn to.
Clare and a once again shirtless Robert hike up the ruins so she can get her dream photo. Seems like a friend zone situation - fire ant bites are not sexy. Back at the villa, Sarah gets the next date card and invites Marcus. This frustrates Lacy, because both of her potential dudes are out on dates with other women. The horror! Sarah and Marcus bond by cliff-diving, and share a smooch. But Marcus still carries a torch for
Michelle Money (who brought 5 suitcases - my kind of girl!) gets another date card (good lord there are a lot of dates happening in 24 hours), and she opts to invite Marquel, since she and Graham didn't work out after dating on Bachelor Pad. Because that's a real-life situation that you should base relationships on. Huh. She and the cookie monster have a romantic horseback ride along the beach, and seem to have a good time with each other. I'm just happy to see Marquel's offbeat fashion sense still works in Paradise.
Yet another date card arrives for Lacy. And it's the moment of truth - will she pick Robert or Marcus? And why do I care? She opts for dinner and ocean smooching with Robert. And when I say "smooching," I mean legs wrapped around the guy like a damn octopus. Down, girl. Marcus is bummed - does this mean he should offer his rose to Sarah? For some reason when they say "offer his rose" I giggle. Sounds a bit dirty. Bygones.
It's rose ceremony time, and the girls are nervous. AshLee apologizes to Graham for being a psycho, Sarah asks Marcus point-blank if he will pick her, and Michelle Money prances around with a very fake-looking curly side pony. Does anyone tell her "you're so Money and you don't even know it?" I digress.
Before Marquel can offer his rose (ha), Michelle K interrupts with her standard crazy-eyes and says she's leaving. No one really cares, except the producer in the exit limo who asks what happened and she claims she's in love. He repeats the statement, wondering what the hell she's talking about, and she gives a knowing crazy-eye wink. Good grief.
Back to the ceremony. The matches are:
Marquel and Michelle Money
Graham and AshLee
Dylan and Elise
Marcus and Lacy (ooooooh poor Sarah)
Robert and Clare
Ben and Sarah
Which means Daniella is sent packing. And next week, two more arrive to mix and match and mate. Yesssss.