Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Hue knows.

Wore a bright pink dress to work yesterday. Lots of girls told me how much they liked it, nice color, etc. And then a guy came up and said "your dress is very...vibrant!" I laughed, thinking how a man trying to compliment a woman's clothes is so sad because they typically know so little about what we wear. And then I stopped laughing, wondering if perhaps it wasn't a compliment after all and he was trying to tell me to tone it down. Guess we'll never know. (Until I wear the dress again!)

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Bachelorette recap: Antig-waaaaaah

Good lord, this episode was dramatic - finally living up to its oft-used, rarely justified "Most Dramatic Episode" moniker! Somehow I think it's all hooey, but we'll get to that.

Antigua. Ah, Antigua. I grew up going there, and could really use another trip - looks like paradise. But perhaps it's not paradise for Des...(dun dun DUUUUN) Who, might I add, wears the WEIRDEST outfits on this island. Maybe she's drunk on rum punch or something, but oof.

 First up, a date with our gay buddy, Drew. They cruise around, stopping for smooches and selfies, and end up at a bazaar where they buy crappy trinkets that Drew says he will keep forever and dance to steel drum music. Yeah mon. Dinner on the beach is rained out, but they manage okay, and Drew tells Des he would get down on one knee right now. Cue the fantasy suite. Although I just don't see it with these two. (Probably because he is gay.)

Brooks is up next, but instead of beachy Antigua, he's visiting his mom and sister in Boise. Alllllright. He's questioning why he isn't ready to propose, doesn't think he's in love, doubts his feelings....making me have feelings. Icky feelings. Mom and sis say Des is too cute, but they support him in whatever he decides, so it's off to Antigua.

But first, a date with Chris. And finally, the Bachelor signature - a helicopter ride to Barbuda! A picnic with seemingly awkward conversation and full-on making out in the surf follows, and then dinner where Chris asks her if she would move to Seattle. Clearly not thrilled, Des says relationships are about sacrifice, so okay, I guess. Fantasy Suite bound! (and yet another effing poem)

Des has had fun with the other two guys, but she loves Brooks. She wants to be with Brooks. She sees a future with Brooks. Oh lord. Brooks looks like he just crawled out of a manhole, and answers the knock on his door - but it's not Des, it's Chris Harrison! A mini-therapy session follows, with Brooks crying and Chris sitting silently judging, until finally Chris asks if Brooks just needs more time to be ready to propose, or if he really doesn't love her. In the longest speech ever, I guess we establish it's a no-go. And now he gets to break the news to Des.

Des is so excited to see him, and once again Brooks looks like someone ran over his cat. Or ran over him. He immediately starts crying, so she knows something is up and "guess we're not going to Bird Island after all. Glad I wore my mint bikini for this." The second he starts talking, she knows where this is going (because we've all had similar conversations, haven't we, girls?), and she starts crying too. What a mess. Brooks is NOT a good breaker-upper, either - goes from "you're a better person than me" to "I really don't think about you when we're apart" to "I should be feeling more for you" to a whole lot of "Sorry." To her credit, Des doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want him to be "sorry," doesn't even really want him to touch her. Not to her credit, she stayed around a whole helluva lot longer than I would. I would have been like, "peace out A**hole" and run and jumped in the ocean. She then breaks the cardinal rule of Bachelordom and tells him she loves him. STILL loves him. Wanted (wants?) to give him her heart. And he says "sorry" and finally leaves her to cry it out on a pier, while he stays and cries in the woods. What is happening here.

Des tells the camera that she has two guys left who love her, but she loved Brooks, so it's over for her. And yet, there's another entire two-hour episode (PLUS an After the Rose special), so clearly it's not over. I predict Brooks has second thoughts and comes back and she takes him back (embarrassing for women everywhere) and they're together. Which saddens me - she should just choose no one. Stupid Brooks and his stupid hair.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Is this a set up?

Back in the day, when a friend wanted to set you up with someone, it was an honor - "thank you for thinking of ME, that I out of everyone you know would be a good match with this guy!" And now that I'm basically the last single girl left of my friends, it's not that much of an honor anymore - more like "you're the only one I could think of. Literally." But hey - I'll take what I can get.

Friday, July 26, 2013

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it. I guess.

Last night while waiting on a blind date (which was terrible and went on forever because the guy took an hour to drink a drink), this elderly gentleman (which sounds so much better than "old guy," doesn't it?) complimented me on my dress and gave me his card, "should I ever need it." I looked at the card, and the guy is a private investigator. Why he thinks I would need to use a private investigator is beyond me, but I did have to ask if he actually followed people and he said "yes, it's more common than you would think." Alllllright. And now I can't stop singing Hall & Oates "Private Eyes" in my head. Sigh.

Thursday, July 25, 2013


I am a Johnny come-lately to the world of Twitter and Instagram, but I'm a fan (obvious by my overuse of the hashtag). Still, there's lots to learn - for example, I've been seeing "#latergram" or just "#lategram" on Instagram posts and had no idea what it meant. "Later," like "peace out?" Apparently it's much more clear-cut: it means you are posting a picture at a later time. (And yes, I had to Google this.)

Sad that my recent blog posts are all showing my old age.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

It's CINderella, kids, not SPINderella

I guess I'm old, but I find it a little weird that the Target "back to school shopping" commercial has Salt N Pepa's "Push it" as the background music. Now, I get that the shopping cart is literally being pushed, but this is a kiddie-targeted commercial! With a rather adult-targeted song!

Rant over, I'm off to eat my early bird special and shake my fist at young people.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Bachelorette recap: The Men Tell All. Also, marry me Juan Pablo.

It's Men Tell All time! For some reason I prefer the Men Tell All to the Women Tell All, but that's just me. We begin with Chris Harrison, Des and other Bachelor alums crashing watching parties. I'm sorry - who watches this show with 50 of their closest friends?? Well, starting next season, I do - in the hopes of getting on TV.

Des debriefs former Bachelorettes about the "bad boys" of her season (seriously - do these former contestants have nothing better to do?!), and then it's finally time for the men.

We really don't learn all that much, except that I like hashtagging:

#Kasey makes some valid points about thick-neck James and Mikey. #hashtag

Jonathan (who tried to lure Des into the fantasy suite and got the boot night one) is sincerely sorry and kind of precious. #hickoryncinthehouse!

Ben has a rough time - who the hell is Dan and why is he in the mix all of a sudden with Ben's baby mama?? I still think this guy is douchey, but I do feel a little bad for him. #stillnotgoingtothetrophyroom

I do NOT feel bad for James, who even when confronted by Des fails to see what was wrong with having a "plan B." If he and Mikey are the typical Chicago dudes, I think I'll pass on moving there anytime soon. #dialbackthesteroids

Juan Pablo for the next Bachelor. Hell - Juan Pablo for Presidente. Team Juan Pablo. #diosmio

Zak W - back to a delicious shade of orange, and clearly still heartbroken. I had to fast-forward through most of his country song - although his voice ain't bad. #texastwang

The bloopers are rolled, Des bids the boys adieu, and now we wait for her final answer. Anyone else hoping it's no one??

Monday, July 22, 2013

Closer to free

Oxygen is now playing Party of Five reruns. Thankyoujesus. If only they would bring back My So-Called Life and Felicity, I would be a happy girl. Maybe I should start my own network  and only air 80s and 90s movies and TV shows. And 80s music videos. Or maybe I just need a time machine, preferably constructed from a Delorean.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Read em and weep

My elliptical is still broken (!), so it's come down to daily workouts in my apartment gym. And since there's nothing on at 4am worth watching, I've had to (gasp!) start reading books. Actual, paper-filled books. I've read three so far, am almost done with a fourth, and ordered three more on Amazon yesterday. Sad that it takes a near natural disaster (poor little elliptical) to get me to read a book. But there it is.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Please direct your attention to el flight deck

There isn't much better to put you in a good mood than the flight to Mexico. Everyone is on vacation (aside from those smuggling drugs across the border), and the mood is light and fun. Our flight had an abundance of bachelor and bachelorette parties, and I believe there was a fedora in every row (except ours). Drinks are flowing, people clapped when we touched down - basically a party in the air.

On the flip side, the flight home is pretty depressing. Everyone is hungover and reeking of alcohol, sunburned and dreading going back to reality on Monday. Hence the drinks are still flowing.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Get out of town, lose a pound

My mom and I both lost 6 pounds on our Mexican vacation. Now, part of that is probably due to the fact that we both had Montezuma's revenge and couldn't keep anything down for 24 hours after we got back. But maybe I could market myself as some sort of vacation guide/diet guru. I can see it now: "Go on vacation and come back thinner, tanner and poorer than when you left!" Look for me coming soon on QVC.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bachelorette recap: You can't go home(town) again

Ah, hometown dates. The time we get to see where these guys came from and meet their families before one is cruelly dumped. Yay!

We begin in Dallas with Zak. He tells Des about some wack-a-doodle dream he had and they pass out sno-cones to kids, along with a giant stuffed penguin (anyone else flash back to Billy Madison?). She then meets Zak's family, and they are as exuberant as he is (but not nearly as tan). The sister confesses she is afraid Zak will get hurt, and I confess I sense some foreshadowing. And then I confess I hit the fast-forward button when Zak's brother and sister sing to Des while Zak strums the guitar. Oh the humanity. Zak saves the day by giving Des a ring he bought in Atlantic City and telling her he loves her - kind of adorbs.

But no time to moon over him - now it's off to Scottsdale with Drew. Who is gay. But has a very sweet family, including his mentally disabled sister who clearly adores her brother and is, according to their father Malachi (sweet name!), an "angel." The family falls in love with Des, and Drew tells her about four times that he too is love with her. It's a bit much - I think she heard you the first time, bub - but still sweet.

Next up: baseball with Chris in Oregon. Des and Chris write cute notes in their eye black, and Des proves to be pretty good at the national pasttime. And not so much at drawing crayon drawings of their time together. Then it was time to meet the fam, who apparently hated Chris's last girlfriend (no pressure). But maybe it was the other way around - these peeps are odd. The chiropractor dad hears that Des hurt her back and springs to action, asking if he can adjust her. (Hey-oh) She warily agrees, and finds herself face-down on a table with a strange man rubbing her back. He then adjusts Chris's nose (didn't even know this was a thing), and some very awkward camera work ensued. Now that everyone is adjusted, the weirdness continues with Des having a one-on-one with Chris's mom, who is not amused. But she does end up giving them her blessing and crying, so I guess we're good.

Finally, Salt Lake City to meet Brooks and his ginormous Mormon family. Des admits again (to the camera) that she loves Brooks, who admits to the camera that he's not sure. Awesome. So Des brings a paper rose that, when unfolded, lists out all their special times together. Aw. After almost capsizing in the lake (which would have been awesome), she meets the family, who are all wearing "Hello my name is" nametags - genius. Brooks' brothers pepper him with questions, and Des does the same to his mom, who decides they have a look of love and tells Brooks he's her favorite. Ha.

Before the rose ceremony, the producers want to up the ante by bringing back Des's brother Nathan. Which is fairly pointless - he hasn't changed much from his Sean Lowe days, and doesn't really care about her new flock of dudes except he doesn't want her to get hurt. Useless waste of 5 minutes.

At the ceremony, poor Zak has to go home. I would have loved it if he would have ripped off his shirt getting into the limo - leaving as he arrived - but he's too in shock to think of that. Des gives him the ring back, and it's all very sad. But good news: next week is the Men Tell All! Yesssssss.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I just want to quit the gym. Or get out of Mexico. Whichever comes first.

You know the last scene in Argo, where you think the hostages aren't going to make it out of Iran? We had a similar experience yesterday trying to get out of Mexico. For a number of reasons.

The night before we left, we tried to go to a fancy resort for drinks, but it was closed for a private event (I'm going with Aniston's wedding), so the cab took us back to our hotel. For a total of 3 minutes, it cost $12. Which my mom refused to pay. Loudly. In front of a crowd of onlookers (including kids). She offered the guy $6, but he wouldn't take it. And they knew our room number, because we had to give it to them before even getting into a cab. So the next day, we assumed it would be interesting getting a cab to the airport (to say the least).

But first, another hiccup: we received a bill for 59.00 for "stained towels" (nothing gross - my makeup bottle broke). Praying it was listed in pesos, we approached the check-out with hearts beating fast. (Or at least mine was.) And sure enough, it was dollars. $60 for a hand towel? My authority-challenging mom asked to SEE said towel, and the concierge got on the phone and into a heated conversation in Spanish. She returned a few minutes later with a new receipt, this time for $11. Sweet. (PAID.)

The cab to the airport was also a no-brainer, and checking our bags we thought we were good to go. But wait - apparently you're supposed to KEEP the immigration form indicating that you arrived in the country? (Sidebar: what is the point of the date stamp in your passport then?) I figured it was just paperwork, so I tossed it. Bad idea jeans. Had to go into the tiny, scary immigration office and pay for another round of stamps. Seriously had a vision of being locked up in a Mexican prison. (Perhaps one too many episodes of "Locked Up Abroad.")

But we did indeed make it out. Let it never be said that we don't have adventurous vacations.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

It's a sweater!

Headed to Cabo tomorrow for my birthday weekend - so no blog posts until next week. But god willing, I'll have a plethora of pinatas stories to share!

Gives the "painted pony" a whole new meaning

I've been noticing a trend on Facebook that I find slightly disturbing (and no, I'm not talking about "poking") - people are posting pictures of their kids at birthday parties where they actually paint horses.

Not that this is particularly harmful to the horse, but it seems a little cruel. And odd. Neigh, I say. Neigh.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Bachelorette recap: Roses are red, violets are blue..

...this show is grating on my last nerve. How about you?

First of all, it's possible I had to look up where Madeira was.

Second of all, I honestly found myself slapping my forehead with my palm repeatedly during this episode. And of course fast-forwarding. So very painful.

So we're in Madeira. First one-on-one date goes to Brooks. And it involves a drive up a mountain overlooking clouds. Which was very cool, but ruined by all the cheesy metaphors: "I'm on the road to love with Brooks." (cue car on the road) "We not only broke through the clouds, but we had a breakthrough in our relationship." (cue Sarah vomiting in her mouth) She's running toward the finish line with him, but he's only in the jogging phase. Ruh roh? The night ends with fireworks (literally and figuratively) - as well as impressive firework impersonations by Des.

Next one-on-one date goes to Chris. Who is so adorbs, but could stand to lay off the poetry. They take a yacht to a private island (I would be so seasick - how romantic!), where he has them write a poem together and stick it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean. I pity the poor shipwreck survivor who finds that bad boy. Then more poetry over dinner, and Chris professes his love in rhyme. (cue Sarah slapping herself in the face)

The final one-on-one date goes to Michael - who also is in love with Des, even though this is the first time he's been alone with her. Alllllright. He keeps going in for the kiss, which is awkward, and more cheesy metaphors follow as they careen down a street in some sort of pedicab-toboggan nightmare: "love is an adrenaline rush." (cue Sarah vomiting again)

And last, we have the two-on-one date with Drew and Zack. More cheesy metaphors during the go-kart racing: "love is like a race to the finish." I know the producers are feeding them these lines, but still. Who TALKS like that. No one. Zack emerges triumphant from the race, and gets some extra time with Des. He whips out some drawings, illustrating (literally) their time together. Aw. Zack and Drew are also in love with Des (atta girl!), and Drew gets the rose.

Michael gets the boot, so Des will be heading to the hometowns of Brooks, Drew, Chris and Zack. Shoot me now.

Monday, July 8, 2013


Charlie and I both got our hair done on Saturday. One of us took an hour and a half longer than the other. And that same one of us peed on the floor of the salon. But I'm not gonna say who.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Weighing the options

My beloved elliptical has been broken for about two weeks, so I have to work out in the little gym in my apartment building. Every morning, this guy comes in, and doesn't work out - all he does is drag the big doctor's office-style scale into the bathroom, stays in there for about 15 minutes, and drags the scale back out and leaves. Ummmm. Obviously he is weighing himself naked in there (and lord knows what ELSE he's doing), but come ON, man. It's a co-ed bathroom. Get your own damn scale. Ew.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Bachelorette recap: counter-accusating and stuff

Yes, it was #Kasey who blessed us with the word "counter-accusate" last night. Hell - if he hashtags it, maybe it will start trending. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Hola, Barcelona! Seeing them all in Spain made me want to go back. Probably not with any of THESE idiots, but still. The first one-on-one date goes to Drew, who is clearly gay. And proves this by going in for no less than seven kisses on their date. Oh, Drew. So sweet, but so gay. He of course divulges his sob story (what IS it with these guys?!): his dad was an alcoholic, but got sober and then got cancer. (NOTE: this IS a sad story; I'm just kind of over it.) Over dinner (and after another smooch in a dark alley), Drew tells Des that he overheard thick-neck James say he just wanted to make the top 4 so he could be the next Bachelor. In what may be the worst bleep-out of all time, Des calls him a "f@&%ing a**hole."
And gives Drew the rose.

The soccer-themed group date is next, and it's all Juan Pablo, all the time. The guys face off against the Spanish women's team, who proceed to kick their butts 10-2 (James=horrible guy and horrible goalie, apparently.). Afterwards, #Kasey reiterates the James conversation to Des, and then confronts James about it. The thick-neck seems to expand as James tries to come up with a logical explanation. And can't. He doesn't see anything wrong with thinking about being the Bachelor, while all the guys try to explain that if he wants to be with Des, he shouldn't be thinking about other scenarios. Sheesh. Meanwhile, upstairs, Des gives Chris a bunch of compliments ("you're soooo athletic!") and proceeds to read him a poem she wrote about him. Cringing. Cue the makeout sesh. Another one follows with Brooks. She finally tears her lips away long enough to send all the guys (except for James) home without a rose, and confronts James about "the convo on the bus." So much dramatic music! He starts to cry, saying she's a "beautiful person" (ew) and that his comments were basically taken out of context and most of them came from Mikey (conveniently not there to defend himself) anyway. Des also starts to cry, and I realize she's going to keep him around. Pathetic.

Finally, naked Zak gets the last one-on-one date. And it' art class! After unsuccessfully trying to sketch each other (what WAS that he drew?!), they of course have to sketch a nude (male) model. I knew this was coming, but Zak's expression when the dude dropped his robe was so priceless, I laughed out loud. He brushed off the awkward and proceeded to re-emerge in a robe of his own and started modeling for her (in tighty whities, thank god). Kind of hilarious. Over dinner, they finally kissed, he professed his love for her (on camera, not to her - also thank god), and got the rose.

Before the rose ceremony, there's yet another confrontation of dudes versus James. Who once again stands behind what he said. Oh, thick-neck. As predicted, he does NOT get a rose. Also going home? #Kasey and, bestill my heart, Juan Pablo. When JP talked to the camera and said, "I just want to get married. I just want to have children. I just want a mother for my daughter." it's possible I yelled out "me! me! me!" each time. Just saying.

So all the evil guys (Ben, James) are gone. Finally. Now if we can just do something about the seemingly gay ones. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Monday, July 1, 2013

Fore the love of god

You may remember the elderly gentleman who lives in my building and invited me to have wine in his apartment one night? Well, I ran into him again on Sunday morning and he was headed to play golf. He asked if I knew how to play, I said no (doubt TopGolf counts), and he said he would teach me. Semi-tempting,  but seriously. The man is pushing 70. Even I'm not quite that desperate (yet).