Babies + Kittens + Falling Down = TV gold.

Would someone please explain to me why America's Funniest Home Videos is still on TV. I may have watched it back in 1989 when it started (!), but a person can only take so much.  Bob Saget even knew it was time to go - and what the hell did HE have as a back-up plan? Voiceover work on How I Met Your Mother?

Although I guess someone getting hit in the crotch IS always funny.

Maybe they should be wearing helmets.

Spent the weekend in Austin, and was QUITE amused to see a few of these on the road:

The "Pubcrawler" is basically a bar on wheels that you and 14 of your closest friends power by pedaling. So you're working out while getting drunk. (My ideal situation!)

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one. My guess? They were drunk at the time.

And sidebar - I love Austin. Ate chips and salsa and drank margs with every meal, and still came back 4 lbs lighter. New diet plan, anyone??

Bachelorette, aka Emily Does Daisy Dukes

Another ridiculous episode.

The pros:
She got rid of Stevie.
And crazytown Alessandro (WTF).
Sean took off his shirt.
Emily's bff hitting on a shirtless Sean.
DOLLYWOOD.
The guys pouring some out for Shelly, the egg.
The fact that Shelly was finally cracked.

And the cons:
Kalon is still around. I think he wears lip balm.
Ryan seems to be on the verge of some sort of nervous breakdown.
So many short shorts, Em. Why so many short shorts.
Lots of dudes crying. Tony. Doug. Possibly Ryan in secret.
Sending Emily and Chris climbing up a building in a thunderstorm. Is this really as exciting as it's going to get? (Don't answer that.)


Next week: Bermuda. At least that means more topless dudes...

Emily Post would just roll over in her grave.

Was invited over to a family dinner last night, and in an effort to be helpful, offered to set the table. At which point I went totally blank on which side of the plate the knife and fork went. I tried both options and went with the most logical one, although it looked wrong. And I later received confirmation from my mother that it WAS indeed wrong. Oh the humanity. Of course no one said anything at dinner, but I can just imagine the conversation after I left: "What a disaster. An embarrassment to private school education (and cotillions) everywhere!"

Will be buying some sort of table manners book on the way home. In case they decide to throw caution to the wind and invite me over again. (On the plus side, they may never ask for my help again...)

RIP, Mix 102.9

Being a radio dj must be tough (unless you're Ryan Seacrest). Seems like the turnover is pretty high, and they have as little notice that they're dunzo than their listeners do. Case in point: this week, Mix 102.9 changed to 102.9 NOW. Complete with all new morning djs and format. Mix has been Mix for over 20 years. Not sure how I feel about this. Maybe they should give me $1000 for listening. You know, just to help secure an audience.

If Snapple says it, it must be true

How amazing would it be to start smooching people at work instead of shaking their hand? You could chalk it up to being a "germophobe."

So bust out the breath mints and mistletoe, people. Let's DO this.

Tell Biff and Mimsy I'll meet them at the club

Just bought my first pair of Sperry top-siders. And plaid ones, at that. Perhaps I'm becoming preppy in my old age? I do enjoy a good headband every now and then...

I remember when Hockaday started allowing us to tie our sweaters around our waist when I was in middle school - before that, it was only allowed to be tied around your shoulders. Hellooooo prepsters.

Look out, Nantucket. Me and my boat shoes are comin' for ya.

A Very Muppet Bachelorette

Gotta say, last night's Bachelorette, while still a complete waste of two hours, definitely redeemed itself from last week due to:
1. the adorbs cookie-making date with Ryan, and
2. THE MUPPETS.

Dear god. If the Muppets were on every week, that would really make life better. (I know I said last week that bobble heads would make it better. Maybe combine them: Muppet Bobble Head Bachelorette. I think I'm on to something.)

But lest you think the show is on the up and up, there were still some cringe-worthy moments...

The crowd gathered to see Emily and Ryan go to dinner. Really? I know people in Charlotte. I'm sure they have much better things to do than play paparazzi for a Bachelorette. Methinks this crowd was paid. Maybe by Central Casting.

So. Many. Shirtless. Dudes.
As much as I love the Muppets, the Rainbow Connection singalong was a little cheesetastic. Fast forward.
Kalon. Still such a d-bag. And yet...rose.

Also a rose for Stevie. Why god why. I thought she should definitely have kept the bespeckled teacher Aaron around - he was a cutie.

And gotta give Em some props - girl looked good this week. Bitch. :)

Yay America.

Actually, yay Memorial Day. Which creates a three-day weekend. Which I'm extending to a four-day weekend. Which means two four-day work weeks. Which is a lot of numbers to cram into three sentences. In summary: yay USA. (and YAY for this fancy animated image.)

Just being Miley

I know she "can't be tamed," but can she at least wear pants??

Sale. Ish.

As much as I appreciate a Christian Louboutin "sale" on Ideeli, the shoes are still $1000. Granted, it's cheaper than $1400, but damn. Someone call me when they're $250.

Fore!

The Byron Nelson is this weekend, and for the first time in quite a few years, I don't have tickets. (Mind you, I could probably BUY tickets. But I prefer when people GIVE them to me. Call me crazy.)

I don't go for the golf - I don't follow golf and don't really intend to - but damn, the Margarita Pavilion is a good time. An expensive good time. I think each sheet of food and drink tickets is $20, and a bottle of water is like 9 tickets and a margarita is 12. So $80 later, it's been an excellent afternoon. (And you wonder why I don't also want to shell out for tournament tickets.)

Guess I'll just have to settle for playing Top Golf this weekend. Or hell - even Golden Tee. Same diff and WAY cheaper.

Rubdown

We are offering 10-minute chair massages at work today and tomorrow. This pains me. Literally. I HATE massages. They hurt. (Which probably means I've never gotten a good one? Or else I'm just a complete wussy.)

But I decided to man up and sign up for a slot tomorrow. Bring it, Sven. Or Olga. (Why I assume these are the masseuses' names, I have no idea. Helloooo stereotyping.) But I'm cool with either Sven or Olga. However, I noticed that 90% of the guys who signed up specifically requested a female masseuse. While the girls didn't care one way or another. Interesting.

Regardless, I'm still a little anxious about my massage. Which is super ironic since the whole point is to relieve stress, not cause it. Be kind to me, Svolga.

A "grey" area

It's possible that I bought "Fifty Shades of Grey," after much peer pressure (and, let's be honest, natural curiosity). I bought the e-book version because I was too embarrassed to go into a bookstore and buy it.

It's also possible that I can't put it down.

Head injuries and bobble heads and ostrich eggs, oh my!

Wow. Bachelorette. Back with a vengeance. Could these guys BE any douchier? And I'm sorry - Emily is beautiful (which Every. Single. Guy. Told. Her.), but she bugs. She's so quiet and boring - can't see her letting loose or telling a joke or anything fun. (And her teeth are still too big, but I digress.)

Now for the douches. I mean dudes.

Brent: honestly no clue who this guy was until he reminded us that he has SIX KIDS. WTF, man. Perhaps you should go home and be with them instead of going on a reality show.

Chris: BOBBLE HEAD!!! You all may remember Diane Esparza, so therefore I have a penchant for bobble heads. Personally I think this show would be much more interesting if acted out by bobble heads. You're welcome, ABC. This guy also seemed a little religious - I believe in his first 2 minutes with her he said he was blessed and that he prayed to God he would get to spend more time with her - but she seems like a good Christian girl so who knows.

David: Dude. You may be a "singer/songwriter" in NYC (aka waiter), but can you at least tuck in your damn shirt?? Buh-bye.

Doug: Sort of reminded me of Josh Hopkins (yay). Played the single dad card and probably wrote that letter from his son himself. But he got the first impression rose - well played, sir.

Jackson: "Fitness model?" Pass.

Jef: (yes, this is how he spells it.) The skateboarding wunderkind with the bouffant hairdo. Weird.

Joe: Curly hair and crazypants attitude reminded me of Bob. And not in a good way.

John: aka "Wolf." All you need to know.

Kalon: Douchetastic. Arrived via helicopter. And apparently went to SMU. Nice work.

Michael: Nice hair, bub. Didn't get a rose - obviously Em didn't like it, either.

Nate: Super cute. I even think that was Emily's comment. But kind of faded into the background.

Randy: Dressed up like a grandma when meeting her for the first time. REALLY?? What a shock that this guy didn't get a rose. So cringe-worthy.

Tony: Also fairly cringe-worthy. Put a freaking glass slipper on her foot?! Another single dad with a lot on the line.

Stevie: The MOST cringe-worthy. He's an MC, yo - so he's gotta dance in with a boombox. Why he got a rose, I have no idea.

Travis: The ostrich egg guy. Ah, props.

Charlie: Is this the one with the head injury/titanium plate in his skull? What does it say when someone with a head injury is one of the top candidates??

I'll tell you what it says - I will once again be watching this crap. Sigh.

I prefer my 5K to be $5,000

Somehow ran two 5Ks last week and didn't wind up in the hospital. Ran faster the second time even though I was so sore from the first one I could barely walk. (Who knew?)

But there WERE some interesting sights to behold. A 5K, while a workout, is also excellent people watching...

Katy Trail 5K: There was a guy in a banana suit, running with his buddy dressed as a gorilla. Complete with mask. A guy in jeans sprinted past me. And they weren't even stretch jeans. Sad. Also saw a guy running in a kilt, barefoot. The bottoms of his feet were FOUL, I assure you. The race was followed by a big festival, with live music, beer and food. Which totally negated the 3 miles you just ran, but whatev.

Head for the Cure 5K: This one was a bit more somber, as it was for brain cancer, so a lot of people had on "in memory of" t-shirts. But it all went out the window when I was stretching out afterwards and a guy came up and puked right in front of me. Lovely.

And now my body feels like I've been hit by a car. Not sure I can pull out a 10K next month. Although technically I ran a 10K last week - just divided it up over a few days. Might be on to something.

Mom dramz

Ah, Mother's Day.

The day once a year when a card and flowers (or, in my case, a card and a dress I bought for myself that I didn't want so re-gifted) is supposed to make up for decades of motherly advice and allowance (nevermind the hours of labor...).

My mom was in town last weekend and stayed with me for four days (and four nights, but who's counting). In that span of time, she couldn't figure out how to get the keys out of my car's ignition and switched my shampoo and conditioner in the shower so I had to wash my hair three times (conditioner, shampoo, conditioner).

But the poor thing didn't have much else to do - I only gave her Frosted Mini-wheats, chips and salsa, and wine as sustenance. (Which actually hits most of the food groups, but whatev.) She was a trooper, but dammit, so was I.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and to all the other awesome moms I know!

Those crazy Brits

Was watching a new show on Bravo this morning, "Around the World in 80 Plates," and they started off in London. Brought back some fond memories of being there last summer (Pimms!!), but also some not-so-fond memories: the food.

It probably sounds uber-American, but I don't really care for British cuisine. (And I AM American. So there.) Haggis? Ew. Black pudding? Pass.

I DO, however, care for the NAMES of British cuisine. Many of their dishes make me giggle. For instance:

Bangers and Mash
Spotted Dick
Toad in the Hole

And, my personal favorite, Bubbles and Squeak. Might have to get a couple of dogs and name them Bubbles and Squeak. Semi-obsessed.

Man I love Texts From Last Night.

Exhibit A:


"I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special."

And B:
"I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan."

And finally:

"Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these f-ing horses in a foot race right now."




You just can't make this crap up.

Don't like to get political, but...

Come on, NC friends. Vote AGAINST this shiz today.
That is all.

The first step is admitting I have a problem.

Hi. I'm Sarah. And I'm a Facebook addict. (everyone: "Hi, Sarah.")

I found the following online - apparently "Facebook Addiction Disorder" (or, ironically, FAD) is a real thing, with the following telltale signs:



1.You are constantly, incessantly, checking for updates… and you don’t stop, whether at work or at home.
(Sarah: YES.)

2.You can’t enjoy a good moment because you’re too wrapped up “sharing” it. Or you forego real-life social opportunities for online ones.
(Sarah: POSSIBLE.)

3.You feel ill at ease when you can’t check in — even anxiety or distress.
(Sarah: SAD BUT TRUE.)

4.You have a huge network, the majority of which are people you don’t personally know.
(Sarah: POSSIBLE, ALTHOUGH I SWEAR I KNOW 90% OF MY 883 FRIENDS.)

5.The more contact/Friend requests you get, the better you feel — it may even trigger temporary euphoria.
(Sarah: TRUTH.)

6.You regularly have multiple windows open for Facebook and/or other social media accounts, and possibly various profiles (for your cat, dog, gadget, kid, etc…).
(Sarah: NO! MAYBE I'M JUST BORDERLINE ADDICTED...)


Another I could add: 7. You dream about status updates and sometimes wake up fearing that you actually DID update your status. (Sarah: THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME MORE THAN ONCE.)


Hmmm. Maybe there's a support group I could join. On Facebook.

Just bead it

I've been at my current job for a little over a year, and so far, haven't been asked to go home and change. (Knock on wood.) This is an aberration because I have been asked to change clothes at almost every other job I've had. Nice track record.

The worst instance happened at my first job out of school at an advertising agency. I had been in Mexico for a weekend wedding, and proceeded to get my entire head cornrowed (!) and bought a pink mumu-type dress from a guy on the beach. Which I decided to wear to work on Monday. I got in so late the night before that I couldn't get all the damn braids and beads out of my hair in time, so I went with an unfortunate option B - pigtails. The top part of my hair looked normal, but the underneath layers were still braided and beaded.

Needless to say, this was NOT a professional look. This wasn't even an ATTRACTIVE look. So I was promptly sent home to change and de-cornrow. Not my finest hour, I assure you.

You get a car! And you get a car! And YOU get a car!

Okay, not really - but this is my 1,000th post, people. 1000! I feel I should give you something for continuing to read this blog. But I'm sure my amazeballs writing is really gift enough. So you're welcome.

And I would say "here's to 1,000 more!" but let's be honest. I don't have much more to say. Just about tapped out. (And yet I just. Keep. Typing..)

xoxo

Trust me, I'm a doctor

Had to get to work a little early this morning. (Because, let's be honest, once I put on the chili pepper costume for the cook-off, that's pretty much the end of productivity. And pride. But I digress.)

Stopped for coffee and saw no less than three people in scrubs. Why do scrubs just make you cooler. They're not particularly flattering, they're usually all the same color...but yet, I'm like a moth to a flame. Intriguing. Maybe I'll buy myself a pair. Scrubs would CERTAINLY be cuter to wear around than a giant chili pepper.

Ironic, no?

So the longtime host of the Bachelor, Chris Harrison, is getting divorced after 18 years of marriage.
He should SO be the next Bachelor. At least he already owns the suits...

Give til it hurts

It is charity-tastic around the office lately. We have a chili cook-off tomorrow and each competing team is trying to raise the most money, so there have been daily fundraising activities like a pizza lunch, breakfast tacos, guess-how-many-pieces-of-candy-in-a-jar, an ice cream sundae sale, and a raffle for an iPad2. All proceeds go to brain cancer research, so you feel obligated to participate in everything.

Next week, the madness continues with a bake sale/dunking booth. This time, proceeds go to Relay for Life (The American Cancer Society). And yes, I may have provided the name "Dunks 'N Donuts." Which means I now have to go BUY donuts because without them, the name is a bit deceiving.

AND there's a 5K for the brain cancer foundation. AND a 24-hour relay for American Cancer Society. AND the entire month of June is dedicated to our entire company volunteering with local non-profits. Holy charitability, batman.

I better freaking get into heaven for this. :)

Is there an app for that?

Of course there is now a Ritz-Carlton app. Hilarious.

http://www.ritzcarlton.com/en/Mobile/Default.htm?ep_mid=10530694&ep_rid=782673586

I picked a helluva day to quit drinking.

This morning, in an attempt to be productive, I threw in a load of laundry. And the washing machine broke. So now I have a load of wet, still dirty, clothes.

Then I zipped up a nice chunk of my skin in my dress while getting ready for work. Hurts like a bitch. (Sorry. But it does.)

And finally, managed to set off the panic alarm on my car while still sitting in it. Got dirty looks from other 7-11 patrons as I fumbled around trying to shut it off.

All this before 7:30 a.m. Oof.

Hats off

This weekend is the Kentucky Derby - aka, an excellent reason to day-drink and wear Big Hats. I had to wear a Big Hat for high school graduation, and hadn't really worn one since. See below for proof:

But then last year I got invited to the horse races here in Dallas, and felt obliged to get myself another Big Hat. And it was fairly awesome. So this year I of course had to top it (pun intended) and will don yet another Big Hat. I wish it looked like this:

I was also gifted a fascinator last year for my birthday - just waiting for the right time to wear that bad boy. (Are you listening, Duchess Catherine?) And of course being a Texan I own a plethora of cowboy hats. And being a Tar Heel also have about 10 baseball caps. But The one hat look I can't pull off (and yet want to the most) is the fedora. I'm just not cool enough. I also look pretty stupid in ski caps, but am usually so bundled up for skiing that it doesn't make much of a difference one way or another.