Friday, February 27, 2015

Proud of the human race today.

When my social media feed is full of llama drama and dress colorblindness (it's WHITE AND GOLD PEOPLE), it's a good day to be alive.

Added bonus: the dress discussion does have me singing Michael Jackson's "Black or White" in my head. Which ALSO makes it a good day to be alive. #shmon

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Lesser of 30 evils?

Rumor has it Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette. Not particularly thrilled by this announcement, but when I think about the other choices, I guess it's not so bad? I mean Ashley S is clinically insane, Ashley I would be a crying Kardashian mess, Kelsey is psycho, Britt has hygiene issues, Carly just isn't that exciting and Becca's a virgin. So Kaitlyn it is. I envision lots of rapping, dude laughs and crude jokes next season. Not to mention what we'll get from the guys.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Oh, Canada

In Toronto for work, and the "great white north" nickname is no joke. Although there's not as much snow on the ground as I would have thought, it is effing cold here. Like 5, but then with the windchill it's easily 8 below. Everyone was telling me to dress warm, and I'm thinking Dallas doesn't even sell clothes for those kind of temperatures. Was tempted to wear my ski clothes, but decided against it. Thank god I lived in Boston, so I was a bit prepared. But it's chilly, peeps. Not gonna lie, eh?

I do plan on buying the official Canada hat and mittens, though.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Bachelor recap: cock-a-doodle don't do it, Becca!

Bali. Hi. (Shout-out to anyone picking up on that South Pacific reference.) We finally get to leave the United States, and for good reason - it's fantasy suite time for the three remaining ladies. In Bali. Hi.

I'm at the airport, so will have to make this recap brief. Which is good, because overall I found it fairly boring. Blah blah Chris is torn, blah blah the ladies are in love, blah blah temples, blah blah Becca the Virgin, blah blah Chris is sweating through his shirt.

Seriously - Kaitlyn and Whitney's dates were just not all that interesting to me. Something Bali-esque, followed by a romantic dinner and the women telling Chris they were falling in love with him and yes, Arlington Iowa sounds like a lovely place to live! Becca's date was a tad more interesting, simply because she hadn't told him she was a virgin and would she make it out of the hallowed doors of the fantasy suite remaining one? (It seemed like she was wavering on her beliefs here, but maybe I was just projecting.) She finally told Chris the truth, and the awkward pause and sigh he let out wasn't the best case scenario. He's probably like "seriously?! Another one?!" But he covered his tracks, telling her he was glad she told him (then quickly told the ABC intern to remove some of the kinky sex toys from the fantasy suite, stat!).

At the rose ceremony, Chris is dressed in a karate gi, which I guess is traditional Balinese wear, but looks like he's en route to the dojo. All the women are also dressed in traditional garb - thank god Kaitlyn got the pink one to match her lipstick! Chris tells Chris Harrison he is falling for all the women, and how is he supposed to choose? Man up, farm boy. He instead takes this opportunity to pull Becca aside, which Kaitlyn and Whitney take to mean she's getting the boot. Whitney likes this idea, since Becca is really young and doesn't know anything. (Let it be known that they are only 3 years apart people.) But wait - Chris returns with Becca! What kind of sick and twisted crap is this?!

Whitney and Becca get the roses, which means Kaitlyn and her rapping self are headed home. She doesn't understand what happened, and Chris' whispers don't really help explain anything. I did enjoy the random rooster crows during their serious talk, however. Really lightened the mood for me. And so farmer-ish! Well-played, Bali.

Next week: the women tell all! Should be a train wreck. In the best possible way.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Boo-hoos and bow-wows

Went to my first volunteer orientation at the SPCA on Saturday. I still have to go back for an interview and animal handling training, since I want to walk the dogs and hopefully assist with communication (i.e. writing descriptions of the animals for the website), but it was a good overview, complete with a tour of the facility. And I teared up no less than eight times, including during the short video they showed before the orientation even started. Good lord. I'm going to have to invest in some waterproof mascara to get through this volunteering business. And also might end up with like 4 more dogs and possibly a rabbit or ferret. (fingers crossed)

Friday, February 20, 2015

It really IS an honor just to be nominated

The Oscars are this weekend, and I heard on the news that the gift bags for the nominees who don't win cost over $160,000 each. Good lord, what's in there - a car??

Apparently not, but the gift bag does include:

Holiday in Tuscany. With the Italian Luxury Hotel Package, nominees will receive three complimentary nights in a suite at the five-star Grand Hotel Tremezzo. Value: $11,500.

Chi-Chi car rental. A year's worth of Silvercar rentals, the all-Audi airport car rental service that promises no lines, free GPS, free Sirius radio and free Wi-Fi every time. Value: $20,000

Being the runner-up doesn't look so bad...

Thursday, February 19, 2015

If only I could just bike to work.

You know what's annoying? Bringing your Ford into the Chevrolet dealership (because that's where you bought it) to get something reset, only to be told they don't fix Fords there. And then taking the car to the Ford dealership, only to be told your warranty only covers repairs done at the dealership where the car was purchased. I get the feeling that they took advantage of a single girl buying a car, and I'm just now reading the fine print. Awesome.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I'm Chevy Chase. And you're not.

How fantastic was the SNL 40th anniversary special?? I laughed out loud for like three hours. And haven't laughed out loud watching SNL in a long time. In fact, I liked it so much I'm recording it again on Friday night.

Favorite moments:
  • Celebrity Jeopardy/Sean Connery mispronouncing "Who reads" as "Whore ads" and "Let it Snow" as "Le tits now"
  • Steve Martin performing King Tut
  • Dana Carvey performing Chopping Broccoli
  • Wayne's World
  • Land shark
  • Paul Simon and Paul McCartney singing together
  • Opera Man
  • Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Okay, I could go on and on. Thank you Saturday Night Live. Who cares if I barely watch you anymore. Clearly your four decades on air have provided me with endless laughs and catchphrases (Strategery!) that will last a few more.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Bachelor recap: Playboy oh boy

Two rose ceremonies in two hours = evening gown overload! We start with rose ceremony #1 in Iowa, where Britt has told the other girls she is going to leave. But they (correctly) translate that as "I'm going to tell Chris I'm leaving and then he'll beg me to stay!" Because nobody puts Baby Britt in a corner. And does she OWN a different color lipstick. Because that rose pink is getting old.

Britt gets thrown off her game when Chris opts out of having a cocktail party before the rose ceremony. When will she get to hear him beg her to stay?? So before he can bid anyone adieu, she pulls him aside and gives him the chance to apologize for not giving her the rose at the group date. He instead says other girls have told him she was lying about liking Arlington (did he learn NOTHING from the Kelsey-Ashley debacle?? You don't TELL the girl that!), and his future wife wouldn't do that. So would she like him to walk her out. Ooooooh. Burn. Britt erupts into a heap of loud sobs, but manages to maintain the pretty cry, makeup (magically) intact. Some blogs are saying she's the next Bachelorette, but I kind of hope not.

Back to the rose ceremony. Chris tells the girls he had to let Britt go, but he appreciates being told the truth about her. Clearly doesn't mean it, because Carly gets the boot.

Hometown date time! Chris heads to Shreveport to meet Becca's family. They sit in a rowboat, a la Little Mermaid, and she tells him she has never been in love (even though she dated a guy for four years). If Chris didn't put two and two together that she has also never had sex, Becca's family cleared that path for him. From her sister telling him she had never been intimate with a guy and didn't like PDA (though she seems to with Chris, just sayin'), to her mother telling him they were all really surprised that she made it this far, since she had never done anything like this (or, well, anything) before. Chris puts his questions about future intimacy behind and takes Becca on a solo ferris wheel ride. Where they proceed to make out so much I think intimacy has been achieved. And now I'm done using the word "intimacy."

Chris next heads to Chicago, where Whitney (and, we learn,Chris' sisters) resides. She takes him to her office to "make a baby," and he kind of does. Gets in there, grabbing sperm under the microscope - if I was a patient hoping for a baby, I would be kind of pissed right now. Whitney shows Chris the room where he would "provide a specimen," and almost convinces him to do it. We are all relieved to learn she is joking. Later that night, Chris meets Whit's sister and close family (her mother is dead and she doesn't talk to her father). He asks her sister for her blessing, but she tells him to get back to her when it's down to one girl, not four. Touche. Whitney is embarrassed by this reaction so drops the L-word on him. And then her dog humps his toy. Which is awesome.

Next up: Phoenix with Kaitlyn, because her parents live there in the winter instead of freezing Canada. They begin their date like a bad Bachelor date - Kaitlyn makes him write and record a rap song, and it's as bad as you are imagining it would be. Takes him MANY takes, since white boy can't keep a beat. But whatever - he's having fun, dammit! They head to family dinner, and her family is much more laidback and cool, just like she is. She tells her mom she "hearts him," and ends the night by letting a sign do the talking: Kaitlyn Hearts Chris. Aw.

Last trip is to Nebraska to meet Jade's family. She wants to tell him she posed nude, but when?! How?! Her family sets it up pretty well: her brother tells Chris she is a "wild mustang" (cue Miley Cyrus' "Can't Be Tamed"), and her father tells Chris no man has been able to keep up with her before. Intriguing, since Jade seems so shy and quiet. It's always the quiet ones, Chris. Finally during some alone time, Jade starts to explain what she did. And it's the longest build-up in the history of time. Poor Chris is probably going, "What did you DO? Murder someone? Drug addiction? Grand theft auto?" But still doesn't see it coming when she announces she posed for Playboy. Nude. And he remains speechless when she offers to show him the photos. And the video. Oh lord. To his credit, he keeps his cool and tells her it doesn't change how he feels about her.

But clearly he lied (again), because Jade gets the boot at the rose ceremony. She is heartbroken, and honestly Chris looks pretty bummed too. She spilled her guts to me (and showed them to me - HEY-OH), and I threw it away. Dry those tears, farm-boy: you're headed to Bali! Aka Virgin in the Fantasy Suite. Let's do this.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Bachelor recap: Io-why?

We started out the night with a special Chris Tells All, which is more of a Chris Harrison tells all, since he interviews Kelsey (still using big words and sounding fairly nutso), Andi (who clearly needs more time to get over her breakup with Josh before doing any more interviews), and Bachelor Chris (who still has little to say, even when recalling crazies like Ashley S, Jillian and Jordan).

We then head back to Deadwood for the rose ceremony, but Megan decides to leave (probably sensing she is about to get the boot anyway), so the rose ceremony is cancelled and everyone is headed to Iowa! No offense to my friends in Iowa, but I don't think anyone has ever been more excited about going to Iowa than the remaining ladies. There are cheers, jumps for joy, fist bumps...perhaps a bit overly excited, as it turns out.

The girls are amazed that Iowa has trees, and they're probably pretty shocked there are hotels. Jade gets the first one-on-one date, getting the golden ticket to see Arlington, Chris' hometown. And people, it is small. Sad small. Ghost town small. Nothing is open, there is no grocery store, restaurant or movie theater, and  even Jade from Nebraska starts to panic.  She recovers at the Friday night lights high school football game, where she gets to stroll the hallowed halls of  Chris' high school and meet his parents (!).  The crowd chants "Kiss Chris!" So she does. But she still can't tell him her deep dark secret. Stay tuned...

Britt is super jealous that Jade got to see Arlington, so the girls take a road trip to see just how small the town is. And they are just as shocked as Jade was. Even the church isn't open! They do stumble upon the pastor, who when asked what people do in Arlington, says "they leave." Huh. Britt is convinced she wouldn't last there, but tells the girls when they return that after seeing a sunset she loves it there. Carly is livid and talks to her hand puppet version of Britt, saying she is going down. Then we see a weird moon with Britt's face in it. Wtf.

Whitney gets the next one-on-one date is Des Moines. They take pics kissing all over town, and one of the photos even gets turned into a mural on a wall. This seems foretelling, since the mural is fairly permanent, no? Whitney is bowled over and Chris is impressed with her reaction. She even meets his friends and seems to pass with flying colors.

Jade tells the other girls her secret - she posed for Playboy. Dun dun DUN. She's afraid of getting busted by a Google, so she feels she needs to tell Chris soon. Duh.

The group date is Britt, Kaitlyn and Carly. They meet Chris on an ice rink, because there clearly isn't much to do in Iowa. Chris is not the best at this. I also need to note the prevalence of plaid flannel shirts wrapped around the girls' waists. Holy 90s flashback. Britt tells Chris that they went to Arlington, and of course she has only positive things to say. Carly tells Chris what's really going on, but later that night when Chris flat-out asks, Britt sticks with her story that she loves Iowa and just wants to be a mom, dangit. And lots of kissing ensues. The other girls are convinced he sees through Britt's act, because he's a smart guy. But I'm not so sure. About either one of those facts.

Happy to see Moscow Mules happening with Kaitlyn and Chris, but Kaitlyn is nervous and tells Chris she feels a bit behind in the process. Being so vulnerable hits home with Chris, and Kaitlyn snags the rose. Which of course doesn't sit well with Britt, because she thinks she should ALWAYS get the rose. She tells Chris it's hard to want to bring him to meet her family because she wants her husband to pick her first, not second or, that's the SHOW, Britt. Get on board or get out. Chris has nothing to say back (shocking), and abruptly gets up and leaves (again). He's all about letting these women duke it out amongst themselves.

The girls decide Britt has shot herself in the foot on this one, and there's no recovery. Of course we have to wait and see, since the producers hate us and insist on dragging this out as long as humanly possible. #awesome

Friday, February 13, 2015

Apropos that the day before Valentine's is Friday the 13th

That time when you and your officemate both get an email saying you have a package at the front desk. Hers turns out to be flowers from her husband, and yours is product samples from a vendor. #soundsaboutright

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Come on knock on our door...

(and yes, I realize this is the second post this week with a tv theme show song as the title)

Going to a Three's Company-themed party Friday night. Which might as well be called, "How many Chrissys can you fit into a bar?" Because let's be honest - no one really wants to be Janet. Or Mrs Rhoda. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Show me that smile again...

I've been watching reruns of Growing Pains lately (hey - it helps me sleep), and have noticed a few...issues:

1. Character named Boner, which would never pass censors today.
2. Brad Pitt plays two completely different characters, like a year apart. Are we not supposed to remember the hunk he played last year? #consistencypeople
3. Every single episode features at least one fat joke at Carol's expense. We all know Tracey Gold ended up with a massive eating disorder at the end of the show's run, and I doubt this helped much in the confidence department.
4. It IS enjoyable spotting future stars (see Brad Pitt, above): Matthew Perry, Jennie Garth, Jenny Lewis, Candace Cameron, etc. Even noticed the chick who played the sister on Mr Belvedere, although I'm probably the only one who would know that and I don't think she qualifies as a star.
5. The fashions/music. All 80s, all the time.
6. The fact that baby Chrissy jumps from 1 to 7 and we're not supposed to notice. Lame.
7. Tie-ins to that ridiculous 80s sitcom Just the 10 of Us. Anyone? Anyone?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Bachelor recap: Bad dates in the Badlands

As I mentioned last week, Kelsey is crazy. Like slipped-through-the-ABC-psych-evaluation, wondering-if-she-still-has-a-job-as-a-school-counselor-because-she-probably-shouldn't, crazy. Man I'm going to miss her. (spoiler alert)

We are back in Santa Fe with Kelsey on the ground, crying and wailing about having a panic attack (and sometimes laughing about how she definitely should get the rose NOW). None of the girls are buying what she's selling, and I can't really say I blame them. She asks for Chris, who comes to console her and gives her the confidence boost she needs to rejoin the group. The jokes about her boobs and how she was talking nonsense about brownies just make the whole situation even more bizarre. Chris dusts himself off for the rose ceremony, giving Mackenzie and Samantha the boot. I swear to god Samantha has said no more than five words this season, which probably means she is super normal and has no business being on the show in the first place. I did find it sad and weird that they showed her just walking off down the street in her silver sequin dress. What - no exit limo either??

In the hopes of leaving the dramz of Santa Fe behind them, the ladies are off to Deadwood, South Dakota. Even Megan knows this is no exotic location. Cue the Debbie Downer trombone, folks. Chris arrives first, and takes some very awkward photos. Did no one else have a problem with this??

Becca gets the one-on-one date, which makes Kelsey angry, because she's crazy she feels she deserves it after telling her tragic but amazing story. Becca is not only a virgin, but she's also a horseback riding virgin, so of course that's what the date entails. (Way to listen to details, producers!) But it seemed hard to talk to each other on the trail, so they end up sitting by a fire and getting to know each other. And by that I mean Becca laughing at Chris' ridiculously high-pitched laugh. Hard.
She finally lets her guard down, which of course means she finally lets Chris kiss her. Annnnnd nabs the rose. Well-played, Becca.

Back at the hotel, it's gang up on Kelsey time! Whitney, who has clearly changed her tune from being nice to everyone (aka the Jordan reappearance), takes the lead and asks why Kelsey was laughing so much during the Santa Fe rose ceremony. Carly jumps in the fray, accusing Kelsey of being fake (the horror!), especially in front of Chris. Kelsey fake apologizes, explaining she laughs when she feels awkward (like right now!), but tells the camera she can't help that she knows big words and has been "blessed with eloquence." Cue eye roll.

Group date time - Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan are going to write and perform country songs with Big & Rich! (Assuming Big is the taller one?) Which of course means it's Ashley I versus Kelsey on the dreaded two-on-one date ("two dates, one rose - one stays, one goes"). But oddly (or not), neither one is nervous. In fact, they are the most excited they've been so far!

Back to the group date. Jade is uncomfortable addressing her feelings in song (and, perhaps, in life), but after running down the street shouting with Big, she lets the lyrics flow. Or something. Chris and Britt seem particularly close, which the other girls notice and complain about, but they get over it because it's performance time! Chris starts things off with a "pitchy" tune rhyming "prairie" and "marry." Bless his heart. Carly brings him onstage for her song, and since she's actually a (cruise ship) singer, hers is one of the better ones. Kaitlyn raps (of course), and Britt proves that although she doesn't sing in the shower (because she doesn't shower - hey-oh!), she can carry a tune. And she can sleep in makeup flawlessly. This girl is almost too much.

Chris is clearly digging the Britt Factor as well, as he whisks her away later in the evening and they go to the Big & Rich concert and dance and sing onstage where he offers her the rose. We learn that they are gone for an hour - which honestly seems super rude to the other girls just hanging around wondering what happened to the rose. It makes for a very awkward re-entry with Britt and Chris, and he is no help, just kind of shrugging his shoulders and getting the hell out of there. #douche
Jade tells Britt she doesn't want her pity, and things are getting intense.

But they can all bond over their mutual hatred of Kelsey, so it's clearly Team Ashley as the two-on-one date begins. The threesome take a helicopter ride over Mount Rushmore, so Kelsey can correctly identify the presidents and make Ashley look dumb. They land in the Badlands, which Kelsey is familiar with but Ashley, not so much. Kelsey is definitely keeping score in her mind, so Ashley decides to get even by telling Chris during their alone time (um, after sucking off his lip - seriously. Watching this girl kiss kind of grosses me out.) that Kelsey is fake and all the girls think so. I find this so ironic coming from someone with fake lashes and probably fake hair, but whatever. Annnnd kiss of death for Ashley. Granted, Chris asked the question (sort of), but still. After seasons of the show, we have all learned you don't use your time bad-mouthing other contestants! And please do something about those ridiculous eyelashes!

Chris then talks to Kelsey. and flat-out tells her what Ashley just said. Kelsey cries, saying it's about her journey - I mean, his journey - I mean...and returns to the weird bed in the middle of the bad(lands) to have a very awkward stare-down with Ashley. Who refuses to look her in the eye for a few minutes, but finally Kelsey gives her The Hills classic "I know what you did!"

Ashley isn't fazed - she has a master's degree too, dammit - and from a "good" school! - and tells Kelsey she isn't from Pleasantville - she's from 2014! Ummmmm.

Ashley starts to cry and marches over to Chris, angry that he told Kelsey everything. Chris takes this opportunity to give Ashley the boot, saying they are in very different places, maturity-wise (#truth) and he can't give her what she needs (i.e. a full makeup application every day). She does the ugly cry (but those eyelashes don't budge - impressive!) and stomps off, only to come back, hiccuping and crying, for one final hug, and then more ugly crying in front of the camera. But Chris isn't done - he gives Kelsey the boot, too! She lets a single tear roll down her cheek, and tells the camera once again, she will rise above.

The girls at the hotel are sad to see Ashley's suitcase get wheeled out, but freaking REJOICE when Kelsey's luggage leaves. Literally popping bottles and dancing around the room. Ding dong the witch is dead!

Chris flies off in the helicopter, leaving the two rejects standing on the Badlands. Bad assery on the Badlands, you might say.

Monday, February 9, 2015

It's no Glamour Shot...

It's always fun to learn from a friend that you are featured in someone's Tinder profile picture - and you don't even know the person! I received this screen shot last night:

Clearly this was taken a while ago - my hair is blonde! - but still. Fairly hilarious. (And yes, this was an 80s party. I don't dress like this for a normal night out. Usually.)

Friday, February 6, 2015

Someone alert Guiness

I think I might have a world record on my hands. How long do bruises normally last, because the one on my thigh has been there for 5 weeks. Granted, it was a doozy (obtained while trying to remove my old 150-pound tv, which I stupidly tried to balance on my thigh), but STILL. 5 weeks?! When I go, I go big, people.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

But hey - free paper!

That time you feel something in the pocket of the purse you have had for like 10 years, and get super excited thinking it's a wad of cash or at least the lipstick you thought you lost. Turns out it was the paper you're supposed to remove upon buying the purse, to make the pockets look full. What a letdown. #whenhaveieverhadawadofcash

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Riffraff. Ugh.

Saw this story about Conrad Hilton's airplane outburst, and I freaking love it. Calling passengers "f---ing peasants"?! That's gold, Jerry. GOLD. I mean, really - who hasn't wanted to call someone a peasant. And compared to the Hiltons, we all kind of are peasants. So well done, Conrad. Not sure the part where you grabbed the flight attendant by the shirt was necessary, but you do what you gotta do.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Bachelor recap: In search of juiciness, geography lessons and personal hygiene

Okay, I admit it. Kelsey is crazy. And I liked her the best at the beginning. Oops. I must have been blinded by Ashley S's obvious crazy, and now that she's out of the way...

Getting ahead of myself. We're off to Santa Fe, which excites Megan because she has never been out of the country and can't wait to visit this seaside resort town and wear sombreros and dance the Macarena. Say it with me: Bless her heart.

Chris is ready to take things to the next level, and invites Carly on a date so they can "come together." Hey-oh. But it's not what you think - or what anyone thinks - they have a session with a love and intimacy guru who wants them to find the "juiciness" in their relationship. Which apparently means blindfolding Chris, giving him an awkward rubdown and feeding him fruit and chocolate (didn't Megan already do this with her "three of the five senses" game?). Next up: stripping each other's clothes off and breathing nose-to-nose. Most. Awkward. First. Date. Ever. Carly can't handle taking Chris' pants off, so instead they kiss with the Love Guru watching their every move:

Carly deserves the rose after all that, and she gets it. Particularly after telling Chris that her last boyfriend didn't want to touch her and they dated for two years. Oof.

Back at the hotel. Kelsey is telling the other girls about how her husband died, and tells the camera how she needs a one-on-one date to tell her "amazing story" to Chris, but Ashley I and her giant eyelashes feel like something is amiss - Kelsey just doesn't seem that upset about it. Foreshadowing, perhaps? Perhaps, but it's group date time. Everyone but Britt gets to risk life and limb to go whitewater rafting! Jade falls in and has some hypothermia condition that makes her hands and feet go numb, so Chris gets to warm her up with a foot rub. Kelsey is jealous and her maniacal laugh echoes through the canyon.

The date gets even chillier when drunkard Jordan returns for a second shot at love. This is the second chick that has done this - the Farmer must have a way with the ladies. (And it's not his conversational skills.) Chris lets Jordan join the group date, which pisses off pretty much all the women in the group. It's an elimination game, duh - which means you are eliminated. Ashley I is extremely pissed and tells everyone to ice Jordan out and be super bitchy, but Whitney doesn't want to play reindeer games and why can't we all just get along?! This leads Ashley to believe that Whit must not like Chris very much. So there. But nice girls finish first on the Bachelor, and Whitney gets the rose as Jordan gets the exit limo for a second time.

Britt is getting ready for her one-on-one date, and her paralyzing fear of heights combined with the date card "sky's the limit" has put a real damper on things. Hell - she might even take a shower, which she apparently has not done in quite some time. Ew - really? How does her hair still look so decent? We know how her face does - she sleeps in full makeup, which Chris semi-notices when he wakes her at 4:30am with a kiss and says that she looks just as beautiful as she does during the rose ceremony. Um, no one looks like that at 4:30am. I get up at 4:30 every day and can vouch for that. (But seriously - what kind of lipstick doesn't smear? I could use some of that.) They smooch a bit and wake all the other girls up, and then Britt's fear of heights miraculously goes away as they take a romantic sunrise hot balloon ride over landscape she later describes as "The Land Before Time." What a random movie choice to describe - well, anything. Afterwards, they return to Chris' hotel room where Britt gets the rose and takes a "nap" with him for two hours. Wink wink.

The other girls aren't sure Britt is being entirely truthful, since she apparently told them she loved being single and didn't want marriage/kids for a long time, but tells Chris she wants 100 kiddos. But she's not the only one hiding something, and Kelsey decides it's time to steal some time with Chris to tell him her story. Because it's HER love story too, and what a glorious story it is, and how well it plays out at 8:00 on Monday nights for all the world to see. She LOVES her story. (Seriously. This chick is cray.)

So she goes to Chris' room and tells him about her dead husband, and in the same breath starts making out with Chris. I could tell he was a little taken aback, but what's a guy gonna do but kiss her back. Kelsey feels confident she is getting a rose, because how can you not give one to a widow?? (Has she already forgotten about poor Juelia?)

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, everyone is nervous - even the girls with roses - but not Kelsey. At least, not until Chris arrives, mentions it has been a tough week and blabs about his chat with Kelsey. He then gets emotional and has to leave the room. Daggers shoot at Kelsey, who claims she was going to tell everyone about their little talk later on but it was really just a talk about timing and Chris knows what he wants and Kelsey will just have to say goodbye to some people tonight. I mean - she might be leaving but...#busted. She tears up a bit and then admires her shoes like the psycho she is.

Chris Harrison arrives to announce there will not be a cocktail party tonight, just the rose ceremony. This makes ladies like Ashley I and Samantha nervous - probably because Sam has not said one single word until tonight. Kelsey leaves the room and the next thing we know she is writhing on the ground, wailing to an EMT that she's having a panic attack. I would assume this is all an act, which is even scarier. But we get a To Be Continued, so we'll just have to see how bat-shit this chick actually is. In the words of Kelsey, "stay tuned!"

Monday, February 2, 2015

Super Bowl recap (from someone who doesn't give a damn about the game)

In typical girlie fashion, I didn't care much about the actual football portion of the Super Bowl. I did wear my Seahawks hat, however (even though I went to grad school in Boston - sorry Pats). So aside from a terribly-timed play called by Seattle which led to New England's victory (see, I do pay attention), here is my take:

The Ads:
In general, I found the commercials oddly depressing (wtf with the dead kid Nationwide one), and skewing heavily on fathers (Cat's Cradle? Really??). My favorite was the Snickers Brady Bunch spot, and of course Always #likeagirl which my company helped with and makes me cry every time I watch it.

The Halftime Show:
Katy Perry did a good job, with a crazy amount of costume changes and some sweet guests (Lenny! Misdemeanor!). The dancing sharks/surfboards/beach balls was a highlight for me, as was her sailing off into the sky and the resulting The More You Know meme:

Plus, if you'll remember, the sharks WERE predicted to make an appearance in 2015, per Back to the Future II:

Finally, this bad boy started circulating after the Seahawks lost. Too soon, probably - but hilarious, nonetheless.