Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Bachelorette recap: Long live the Meathead

Last night we finally had some dates. And Chad finally had some meat. The first group date involved a series of firefighter tests, and poor Wells just couldn't hang. The guys joked that the gear probably weighed more than he did, which is fairly accurate. But Wells took it in stride, and almost passing out gave him extra time with JoJo (plus the group date rose, which I choose to believe is because he showed her a photo of his dog Carl). Grant, who is an ACTUAL firefighter, of course won the challenge, which pissed off Luke (who came in second).

Derek got the first one-on-one date, and it was like a "choose your own adventure" book, complete with "sky" or "sea" and "north" or "south." Their choices took them on a private plane to San Francisco, with a romantic picnic complete with views of the Golden Gate Bridge. Derek opened up to JoJo about his dating history, and after some smooches he secured the rose.

Back at the house, Chad needs to get a workout in, so fills his suitcase with protein powder and straps it to his weight belt prior to doing pull-ups on the portico. Alrighty. He and crazy Canadian Daniel are buddies, which they prove by wearing matching black wife-beaters. Alrighty, again.

Chad gets to go on the second group date to ESPN LA, where the guys compete in a few "sporty" challenges like a press conference and proposing to JoJo after twirling around 10 times. All the guys make sweet and goofy proposals, but Chad just says "will you marry me?" After JoJo asks why he wouldn't say what he loves about her, he calls her "naggy," which isn't the best word to use when proposing marriage. All the guys call him out on this, but he defends his actions, saying he doesn't know her well enough to be in love and all the other guys are liars. Just when we think he's a total douche, he opens up about losing his mother and inheriting her tiny dog, and he and JoJo share a kiss. His cold Grinch heart is starting to warm up, but the guys in the house aren't having it. James Taylor gets the group date rose, having come in first in the power rankings and giving a sweet letter to JoJo that makes her cry.

Before the rose ceremony, Chad waits outside the house so he can score more time with JoJo, which of course goes over like a lead balloon with the other fellas. Chase steals her away and makes it snow, complete with mittens, to show her more about him (he's from Colorado). Chad continues to steal her from several guys, leading Alex to confront him (along with some back-up dancers who Chad compares to West Side Story). Chad doesn't care what they guys think - he just wants some meat, guys. Someone mentions that he gives new meaning to the word "meathead," eating enough to feed an entire kindergarten class.

I do admit to giggling when, after Alex gets a rose, Chad says "JoJo only kept him not to piss off small Americans." (He is REALLY small, guys.) Chad got the dramatic last rose, meaning the hipster, the Bachelor Superfan and one other guy I can't remember get the boot. Next week is a two-parter and it appears Chad's steroids kick into high gear. #thankyougod

Friday, May 27, 2016

Pucker up (or don't)

Went to get Dysport (aka Botox) this week, and had 15 units left over after pumping my forehead full of poison. So decided to inject some into the skin surrounding my top and bottom lip (NOT filler, mind you. I'm no Kylie Jenner.), since wrinkles are starting to appear there (damn you, smile!). The doctor told me it might weaken the muscle there for a few days, proving difficult to drink from a straw or kiss someone. I told him not to worry, I'm single. He said "that probably means you kiss more than someone who ISN'T single." Good one, doc. #butnotaccurate

Thursday, May 26, 2016

I feel likeTrump is behind this somehow.

Only in New York could I order an entrée of cauliflower that cost $26. Of course, this was at Tavern on the Green, so even a side of vegetables cost $14, but still. It was cauliflower. And it was good, but not $26 good...

I guess when you're paying $16 for a glass of wine, being budget-conscious goes out the window. #becausenyc

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Going "ham"

We tried to get Hamilton tickets while in New York, but of course it proved impossible:

1. It's sold out through at least June
2. Any seats that are available are at least $1000

We went to the theater anyway, and as a joke decided to just go up to the ticket window and say "Two, please." The guy was at least amused and told us "I have nothing for you." Alright then. We also tried the online lottery, where they pick like 21 people (out of how many thousands, I wonder) to get 2nd row tickets for only $20. We did NOT get picked. But we were able to get 12th row tickets to see The Color Purple, which was phenomenal. My friend and I both cried. And will start saving up to see Hamilton in 2018.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Bachelorette recap: Mojo for Jojo

Believe it or not, another season has begun, this time starring Dallas' own Jojo. She was blindsided when Ben fell in love with two women, but after some soul searching strolls on the beach and an offer from ABC, she is ready for love again. Funny how that works.

She looks hot, and all the suitors know it. In fact, this is a common theme on night one: she's so pretty, they are all super nervous and it makes them act (and drink) stupidly. I also thought it was weird how she kept telling the guys how great THEY looked, but I guess flattery gets you everywhere.

First guy out of the limo was Jordan Rogers, kid brother of Aaron Rogers. He also played professional football, but was clearly not at the level of his bro. Jojo and Jojo (come on, I can call him that) had an immediate connection right off the bat, and I'm thinking he could be one to watch. Mostly because Jojo probably wants to hang out with Olivia Munn.

Lots of  good-looking guys to choose from, but also some odd ducks - like the "Bachelor Superfan" who seemed more excited to meet Chris Harrison than Jojo. Or the "hipster." Or Evan, the pastor-turned erectile dysfunction specialist. Seriously - where do they find these people?? Nick, aka Saint Nick. emerged in a Santa Claus suit and remained committed to the role the entire night. I kept thinking, how hot must he be?

Competition starts almost immediately: Alex the tiny Marine is the first to steal her away, and proves his prowess by doing pushups while she sits on his back. Alrighty. Ali busts out "Fur Elise" on the piano. Chad, clearly the season's "bad boy," sits back and watches these guys self-destruct and is super confident in his position.

Luke from Texas rode in on a unicorn, which was kind of adorable, and James Taylor from Texas wrote her a song on his guitar. Wells from Nashville (I know his brother, btw) took things up a notch and brought the a cappella group All 4 One, who sang "I Swear." Awesomeness.

Half Chinese, half Scottish Jonathan wore a kilt, saying it proved his lower half was Scottish. Whatever the hell that means. Will busted out one of those fortune tellers from 4th grade, and when the fortune said "you will be kissed soon" (I'm sure each flap said this, no?), it led to a very awkward hug. But soon after, Jordan and Jojo shared the first kiss of the night. And she gave him the first impression rose. BOOM.

And then there's Daniel from Canada. Who opened with "Daaaamn Jojo!" But soon learned she didn't get his "Daaamn Daniel!" reference, which quickly led him to start pounding drinks. He was Canadrunk, if you will, and stripped down to his skivvies and dove into the pool after showing off his muscles to the camera. And then proceeded to poke dudes in the belly button, which is apparently a huge faux pas (unless you're the Pillsbury Dough Boy). Oh, Canada indeed.

But he wasn't the only one - two other guys were over-served and barged into Jojo's interview with producers. 

Right before the rose ceremony, Jake freaking Pavelka shows up and pulls Jojo aside. She tells the camera that they are old family friends and he's like a brother to her. I'm praying this doesn't turn into an incestuous situation, but luckily he's only there for screen time to give some advice.

Roses go to:

Alex (Marine)
Ali (piano)
Brandon (hipster)
Chad (bad boy)
Chase (not much to say about him so far)
Christian (grew up without a dad)
Drunk Daniel (??)
Derek (cutie who said he used to look like Harry Potter)
Erectile Dysfunction Evan
Grant (firefighter)
James F (boxing club owner)
James S (Superfan)
James T (guitarist from TX)
Luke (unicorn)
Nick (Santa)
Robby (all I remember is yellow tie and matching pocket square)
Vinny Barberino (okay that's not his last name, but he IS a barber)
Wells (All 4 One)
Will (fortune kiss fail)

The guys that got kicked off I don't think I had ever seen before, with the exception of Jake the architect, who she totally should have kept over Daniel or Vinny.

Previews for the season look pretty juicy - and looks like Chad has major 'roid rage. BRING IT.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Can I file for discrimination? Kidding. Kind of.

Why is it okay for people to tell single people they would be better off not being single? You wouldn't tell someone who was gay they'd be better off straight (well, some would; but that's a whole other blog)...

My cab driver pulled up to my house yesterday and asked if I had kids. Nope. Husband? Boyfriend? Nope - just me and my dog. "Well, you would do much better with a partner." Thank you? #notipforyou

Friday, May 20, 2016

NYC: where even comfortable shoes hurt

After day one of my conference, met my friend back at the hotel (PENTHOUSE SUITE) and we walked 40 blocks to the Meatpacking District for drinks on a rooftop. It too us so long that I was afraid we would miss the sunset. Luckily we didn't, even though our original location was closed for a private event. (Lots of graduations happening this weekend, methinks. Plus, just NYC.) Sadly, it was only two miles, but we were both sore by the time we (cabbed it) home. And I was wearing my "comfy" shoes, which weren't all that comfy after an hour and a half of walking. But we saw lots of stuff, including the Naked Cowboy and his wife, the Naked Cowgirl, and after today's half-day conference we are headed to Central Park, Dylan's Candy Bar and enjoy frozen hot chocolates at Serendipity. BOOM.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Concrete Streets Where Dreams Are Made of

When I checked into my original hotel last night after a full day of work and some cheesy sightseeing (Empire State Building, which was like an amusement park ride inside, Rockefeller Center, minus the ice skaters, and Saks Fifth Avenue, on 5th Avenue), I was pleased to learn that my room was in fact ready. And that room was the Penthouse Suite. Please note that I am paying $350 a night. Nowhere close to penthouse prices, especially in New York City. But I'll take it! A huge, very comfortable king size bed, fluffy robes, chandelier and wraparound deck with lounge chairs and a great view. Seriously?? Sad that I'm only staying there for two nights. But I'll take a few nights as a VIP any day!

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

NYC musings, day one

First of all, it amazes me how you walk down the street in New York and no one is speaking English. It's like being in London. But you're in the U.S. Crazy.

I almost missed my flight due to the long security line at Love Field - literally had to sprint onto the plane. Never had that happen before. I wouldn't recommend it. Then arrived at LaGuardia to find an hour-long wait for a cab. A man with a private service offered to take me to my hotel, and found two guys from my plane who were going in a similar direction, so we all shared a ride. The guys were really nice - one went to Jesuit - so the hour drive (NYC gives new meaning to rush hour traffic) was a breeze.

Got to my hotel to learn that there had been a plumbing problem and unless no hot water was cool with me, they were moving me to another hotel down the street just for the night. Alrighty. Although the new hotel didn't have a gym (the horror!), my room was ridiculous. I guess it was a suite - two bedrooms, a kitchen and a sitting room. Seriously this thing could sleep at least 6. All for little ol' me.

I walked to Central Park and had dinner on the patio at Sarabeth's, although it is much cooler here than I was expecting/packed for. Looks like someone's coming home with an I heart NY sweatshirt...

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Is ABBA doing a reunion tour?

Made my way through the 80s, one song at a time, last weekend. Hall & Oates Friday and The Cure Sunday? Yes please. (So many black t-shirts at The Cure, btw!) And with the I Love the 90s concert featuring Vanilla Ice, Salt N Pepa and All 4 One coming up in June, I can safely say that I am celebrating the decades of my youth. (Technically born in the 70s, but come on. Bee Gees??)

Monday, May 16, 2016

Happy House-iversary!

(This may be my only anniversary, so just let me have my moment.) I have lived in my house for almost a year. Hard to believe - it flew by. (Plus, the house is still standing, which is also hard to believe.) I have learned a lot this year, including:

  • How to use a lawnmower
  • How to use a caulk gun
  • What is grass and what is a weed
  • Minimal gardening/hedge trimming
  • How to use a drill
  • How to put down linoleum flooring
  • How to hang my own Christmas lights

There's still a lot to learn, but I'm pretty proud of myself. I mean hell - I haven't had to call the police or fire department yet. (Emphasis on "yet.")

Friday, May 13, 2016

Practicing my taxi hail

Headed to NYC next week for work and for fun, and I'm super psyched. Last time I was there it rained the entire time, but the forecast looks much better this time around. Going to the top of the Empire State Building, the 9/11 Memorial and Museum, dinner at Tavern on the Green, brunch at Katz's Deli and hopefully a show. (Hel-loooo Hamilton lottery!) Too bad Fallon was sold out, but still...

Thursday, May 12, 2016


Heard on the radio this morning that Gen X is considered those born between 1961-1981. For some reason I thought it was more like 1965-1985, not that it makes much of a difference. Also known as The MTV Generation or The Latchkey Generation, I'd still rather be in that group than lumped in with Millennials. (sorry kids) But I guess I should get on board, since Millennials now outnumber the Baby Boomers by like 8 million people. Maybe it's all those fertility drugs.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Three Ring Circus

At our quarterly meeting today, our President and COO got a whipped cream pie in the face. In front of a theater full of people. And no, I don't work at a clown college.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

But maybe gold Hammer pants?

You know you're an adult when you convince yourself that no, you don't really need a red leather Michael Jackson jacket. Even though you always wanted one as a kid and it would be so perfect for 80s day at work and...

Walk away, Sarah. Just (moon)walk away.

Monday, May 9, 2016

Bike:1, Sarah:0

Well, that was an epic fail. Tried to put the bike together this weekend, and just. couldn't. do. it. I honestly feel parts were missing, but those parts may be from my brain. Couldn't get the handlebars on, and when I tried to move on to the seat (because who needs handlebars./brakes), the pipe fell into the tube and is probably lost forever. Soooo I called the company and somehow they agreed to give me a full refund and pay for shipping. In the future, I will be buying my bikes pre-made to avoid this nightmare from happening again.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Bike x-ing

I bought a bike, and it arrived last night. Sadly I have to sort of put it together, which should be interesting, but still. Bike. Someone at work asked me what brand I got, and I could only answer "pink." I do know that it doesn't have a basket or a bell, so at least it's a bit more legit than the last (also pink) bike I owned. Now to remember those hand turn signals...

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Game. Changer.

Why did I not know Andy Cohen had his own SiriusXM channel ("Andy Radio")?? Not that I'm surprised in the least, but hel-lo - hours of talk about my favorite Bravo shows, including one by Bethenny Frankel herself? Might hope for more two hour drives to work like I experienced this morning. Okay, maybe that's a bit extreme. But YESSSSSS.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Take a time-out, coach

Coach Bobby Knight is revered (especially in Indiana) for his basketball knowledge and for throwing chairs. What he is NOT revered for is his political acumen or knowledge of anything government-related. Which is why I don't understand why CNN interviewed him this morning about his support for Donald Trump. The man clearly has no idea what's going on, and it was painful to listen to. But then again almost everything having to do with this election has been painful to listen to, so why stop now?

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

C'mon America.

I try to keep this blog light and breezy, but this absolutely sickens me. We are better than this.


Six degrees of separation

So although I do not know the Real Housewives of Dallas (and am grateful for that), I did perk up a few times last night: I have met Heidi Dillon and am friends with her on Facebook; and a friend and former roommate is a yoga instructor at We Yogis, where two of the housewives went for a class. So there's that. No autographs, please.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Deja voodoo

Started chatting with a guy on Bumble last week. He looked familiar, and I knew we had chatted previously on another site, but we had never met in person. After a nice conversation about Europe, he asked if we had chatted before. I said yes, and never heard from him again. So what - because we chatted briefly before, you no longer want to carry on a conversation? Weirdo. They are ALL weirdos.