Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Bachelor recap: A relationship built on whipped cream and lies

Can't do too detailed of a recap today because you know I have a real job, but here's a brief synopsis:

This was basically a Corinne v Taylor episode. We resumed the evening of the rose ceremony with C and T badmouthing each other (although Taylor continues to use "emotional intelligence" like it's a below the belt insult). Corinne tells Nick that Taylor isn't here for the right reasons (ooooh) and even tells Taylor that the other girls feel the same. Not sure that's true, but Corinne later promotes "make Corrine Great Again," so it's possible she is using #alternativefacts.

Sarah and Astrid (?) get kicked off, and the ladies are off to New Orleans! Rachel gets the one-on-one date, and they have a casual NOLA afternoon - beignets at CafĂ© Du Monde, marching in a second line parade, and kissing just about everywhere. These two are very cute together, and you can tell there's a chemistry. She gets the rose.

The group date heads to a haunted mansion, complete with Ouija boards and flickering lights. Danielle M (blonde nurse, not to be confused with Danielle Boobs) gets the group date. Raven accidentally tells Nick she loves him, and is a bit miffed that she doesn't get the rose in return. Sweet small-town Raven.

And then there's the dreaded two-on-one date (two girls, one rose - one stays, one goes): and of course it's between Taylor and Corinne. They head into the alligator-filled swamp in a boat driven by a dude certainly in the movie Deliverance. Corinne uses her one-on-one time with Nick to throw Taylor under the bus, back over her and toss her into a waiting gator's mouth. She says Taylor is a bully and made her feel stupid. And then goes and makes a voodoo doll of Taylor and jabs her in the heart with a pin. (FORESHADOWING) Nick confronts Taylor, who is shocked but unfortunately uses the emotional intelligence line as her explanation. Girl, no one knows what that is.

Corinne gets the rose, and as she and Nick putter off in the swampboat, Taylor just sits quietly, brewing. As Nick and Corinne enjoy a romantic dinner, Taylor makes a pit-stop at the voodoo priestess and gets oils poured on her and chants performed around her. She then pops in on the shocked twosome.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Holy magic beans

My mom shared a "funny" story about what happened to her last week. I didn't find it as funny. You be the judge:

A man knocked on the door and my mom answered. He said he had amazing fertilizer to make my grass grow, complete with grass seed, vitamins, the works. A dollar a bag. My mom agreed, because #gardening. 240 bags later, they offered to do the back yard as well, but thankfully my mom said no. She got ready to pay $250, and the guy said, "that will be $1900." My mom was like, "Excuse me?? You said 'a dollar a bag!'" The man said,  "No, I said EIGHT dollar a bag." So my poor mother shelled out $2000 for dirt. That smells like shit.

I told her A. I would never have opened the door, and 2. I would have told the guy I didn't have that kind of money, and he would have to scoop it back up. #sorrynotsorry

Here's hoping I have the prettiest yard in all the land. For my own sanity.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Where's the justice

So it's Friday night. My mom has a date. And I...don't. #awesome

Thursday, January 26, 2017

T minus 6 months

I'm 6 months out from turning 40, and I feel like I have to get ready. In the past two weeks, I have gotten eyelash extensions, Botox and gotten my teeth whitened. Still need to get my hair extensions, and I'll be all set. Fake and 40.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Hell no we won't go

I participated in the women's march in Dallas on Saturday. I have seen lots of anti-march comments on FB (but thankfully more pro-march comments), but it was a really cool thing to be part of. I wish I had gone to DC or Austin, but was happy Dallas had around 5000 people -women, men, children and dogs - take part. It was the first time I've ever marched, and we made signs and printed out the words to the official chants. (Example: "Show me what democracy looks like? This is what democracy looks like!") My mom came with me, and I'm sure it brought back memories of the 1960s (although she claims she never marched back then). Everyone was so polite, both marchers and passersby-except for the one woman who rolled down her window, laid on her horn and flipped us all off as she drove by. Well alrighty then. To each his own, of course - but I'm really glad I participated and was thrilled to see that marches happened all over the country and the globe (shout-out, Antarctica!).

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Bachelor recap: Hell hath no fury like a Raven scorned. And Corinne literally can't even.

We're back to the Corinne show pool party bitchfest, and Nick fends off a handful of ladies complaining about Corinne. She would love the attention if she weren't napping. When confronted, Corinne says she is "not privileged in any way." And her nanny can back that up. At the rose ceremony, Brittany and Christen are left rose-less and sad ("I've been single for soooooo long!" #biteme), and the remaining ladies are "thrilled" to learn that they are off to beautiful...Milwaukee! (Nick's hometown, so not 100% random. Just 87%.)

The first one-on-one date is for Danielle (boobs, not Danielle nurse). They take in the small town life, sample cookies, run into ex girlfriends (?!) and make out in a park where Nick lost his virginity (?!?!?!). At dinner, Nick asks if she has any flaws, and she answers that her parents are divorced. Not sure that counts, but her boobs look nice so she gets the rose and a private concert by someone I've never heard of.

The group date heads to a dairy farm, so we can perpetuate all Wisconsin stereotypes. The girls feed baby calves, scoop poop and Nick attempts to milk a cow. It doesn't go well. And then the former lesbian Jaimi takes the teat wheel. She does a stellar job, and methinks I can skip over any obvious jokes here. Corinne is not amused and would rather be eating chicken tacos at a spa or having some sushi. (Someone get this girl some food!) Plus, she has a "serious medial emergency" and her fingers simply won't allow her to do any manual labor. Perhaps a case of Nannyitis?

That evening Kristina and Nick have some quality alone time, while Corinne decides to confront the other girls and asks them to talk about her to her face, not to her back. That's just polite, guys. Plus, Corinne is like an ear of corn. You have to peel back the layers to reveal the yellow, buttery nuggets. Alrighty. Sarah takes the bait and asks if Corinne is really ready to marry a 36-year-old man. After all, she takes naps, plays in bounce houses and has a nanny. Corinne says size bank account age doesn't matter, and besides - Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. So there you have it. #alternativefacts  And yet another #alternativefact pops up when Kristina confronts Corinne for always running away - like when she slept through the rose ceremony. Corinne announces that she had a panic attack, duh. First we're hearing of this. Corinne storms off to report back to Nick. She's miffed that they don't kiss, and even more miffed when Kristina gets the group date rose.

Small-town Raven has the last one-one-one date, and it might be the biggest one - she attends Nick's little sister Bella's soccer game and meets the parents. And then goes roller skating and hangs out with Bella. Quite the 1980s dream date. At dinner she reveals her dark side, going absolutely nuts on her ex when she walked in on him cheating on her. And boy was he cheating - she tells Nick she knows what this woman's vagina looks like. Wow. Nick isn't sure whether to be terrified or turned on, and gives her the rose just to be safe.

It's pre-rose ceremony time again, but Taylor is annoyed that Corinne is still here. And even more annoyed that Danielle - who already has a rose - steals Nick away first. Plus, Taylor has "zero fucks left to give." So she interrupts and gets in some good makeout time. Phew. While stuffing her face (thank god someone finally fed her), Corinne decides she's not having it with Taylor anymore. She is not immature (which she proves by jiggling her boobs), and she just can't even. She LITERALLY can't even. She grabs Taylor and they head to a seemingly romantic loveseat by the firepit. But there's no love lost here. Taylor begins her astute counselor analysis of Corinne and her lack of emotional intelligence. Corinne knows she's being talked down to, even if she doesn't understand how, and fights back, saying "I'm not an idiot!" "I run a multi-million dollar company!" Here we go again...


Monday, January 23, 2017

E=mc squared, I think

A guy friend told me the other day that I was "nerdy-sexy." And I wasn't even wearing my glasses. This is a new turn of events. But I guess pushing 40 one can rarely be "sexy-sexy." I'll take what I can get. Library date, anyone?

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Do they know something we don't?

Driving home last night listening to CNN on SiriusXM, I found it amusing/strange that they did a story on who the designated survivor would be in case the "unthinkable" happened at the inauguration on Friday. Wishful thinking? Paranoia? Psychic prediction? Whatever. I'd rather watch Kiefer Sutherland.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Paging Dr McSteamy

Had to have day surgery on Friday (and no, I wasn't thrilled about going under on Friday the 13th), and I have to say anesthesia is so bizarre to me. I was out for maybe 20 minutes, and have no memory of going into the operating room or much else after saying goodbye to my mom. Plus hours later I found a sticky EKG patch (I'm sure there is a fancy term for this, but I don't know what it is) on my boob and another one on my back - AND a Band-Aid on my arm where I apparently got a shot (?). And I remember NONE of this. What exactly goes on in there during those 15-20 minutes? The world may never know.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Bachelor recap: Backstreet's back, alright!

Any time I can see the Backstreet Boys perform "Everybody," it's a good day. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Nick has to deal with the fallout from the Liz situation back at the mansion. Most women are a bit shell-shocked, but not Corinne - she takes this opportunity to dress as a flasher (naked under a trenchcoat) and seduces Nick with a can of whipped cream. Been there, done that.

Nick isn't all that impressed and heads back in to talk to other, fully-clothed, ladies. Corinne is embarrassed and pissed - and proves it by skipping the rose ceremony altogether and falling asleep next to her rose. Like any normal gal would.

Three girls get the boot, but I can't remember any of their names. Sorry #notsorry.

The first group date involves back-up dancing for BSB, who are only here to promote their Vegas residency. The girls go ape-shit, and Nick wisely observes it's a good thing they are all happily married. Former Cowboys cheerleader Jasmine does well, as does Danielle, who wins the serenade and "private" (read: in front of 500 people and the other ladies) dance with Nick on stage. Corinne is NOT a good dancer, and is pissed again seeing Nick and Danielle kiss. She wants it that way, dammit. (See what I did there??) Later that night, Corinne is the first to drag him away and apologizes (while kissing him) for the night before. Nick forgives her (hard to argue when her tongue is in your mouth), but gives the group date rose to Danielle. We do get to hear more about Corinne's nanny, Raquel. Apparently Corinne can not make her own bed, chop her own cucumbers or do her own laundry at age 24. Tell me why-eeee... (okay, done with the BSB references.)

Vanessa gets the one-on-one date, which involves boarding a plane that takes nosedives in order to achieve zero gravity. They look like they're having fun, but I'm sitting here thinking how violently ill I would be. And then Vanessa pukes. Several times. Bless her heart. Nick mans up and comforts her, even kissing her post-puke. (Breath mint!!!) At dinner she opens up about her grandfather passing away and being attracted to how close Nick is with his own family. Annnd rose.

The final group date involves a "Nick-cathlon" featuring Carl Lewis, Michelle Carter and Allyson Felix- do these people have nothing better to do?? Dominque(who?? I swear she already got kicked off) is thrilled to be out of the house, but doesn't feel Nick is showing her the proper attention. Rachel wins the 100-yard dash in the end, but misses the giant fake ring and Astrid scoops it up and hops into the hot tub with Nick. Apparently cheaters DO win sometimes. Afterwards, Dominique is still wound up and Nick ends up giving her the boot, saying their relationship wouldn't be able to catch up with the others. Nice track and field metaphor, buddy. Rachel deservedly wins the group date rose, but I think she just jinxed it by saying she thought she'd be there in the finale. Sigh. These gals never learn.

It's pool party time! Corinne once again steals the show - and the guy -by renting (or bringing her own) princess bounce house and attacking poor Nick in her teeny bikini. The girls are annoyed and miffed, and one by one start to say something to him. Is he looking for a wife or a plaything? Again, we know these kinds of conversations never bode well for the ladies bringing them up, but at least a few (Taylor, Jasmine, Vanessa) are smart and mature, which will hopefully work in their favor.
To Be Continued... 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Blink twice for yes

Got eyelash extensions on Saturday for the first time. I realize this has been around for years, but I enjoy wearing mascara and thought it would look weird since I have very light eyelashes naturally. But if it's on a Groupon, I'll buy it - and I did. It took an hour and 45 minutes, but MAN. It looks good. Still trying to figure out how to wear eye makeup with these bad boys, but I wake up and they look great. I get out of the shower and they look great. It's a whole new world for this blondie, I tell ya. Already booked my follow-up appointment to fill them in. I may have created a monster. A very full-lashed monster.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Uber, party of one

We had our work holiday party Friday night (yes, I realize it is no longer the holiday season - but it's cheaper!). These things just aren't fun to go to alone anymore. Everyone else is like 24 and wasted or married and hanging out with their significant other. Plus being the host kind of blows - I stood at the door for the first hour, greeting people and passing out raffle tickets while steeling myself every time the door opened (it was snowing and in the 20s). This photo booth pic basically sums it up.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017


I'm sorry - this golden showers business is, well, GOLD. I don't care if it's true or not. It's fantastic. And when are they making this into a movie??

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Bachelor recap: Boobs gets you a rose; sex gets you the boot

It's the first group date for Nick's ladies, and they're taking wedding photos. Because why not. There's a rocker bride, a shotgun bride, a princess bride, even an Adam and Eve bride (?). Villain Corinne is the beach bride, and loves parading around in her skimpy bikini -until she sees Adam and Eve bride Brittany who is topless. Corinne will NOT be wearing more clothes than anyone, dammit - so during her photo shoot in the pool, she whips off her top and Nick "has to" cover her breasts with his hands, Janet Jackson-style. Rough life. All the other girls are horrified -she is NOT wife material!- but Boobs McGee wins the challenge and some quality time with Nick. The evening gets worse at the after-party when Corinne proceeds to interrupt no less than three girls to continue to get time with him. Taylor is one of the ones that gets interrupted, and she decides to turn things around and interrupt right back (thank you! why does no one else do this??). Corinne is pissed- how DARE someone "re-interrupt?" But because every encounter between Corinne and Nick involves a makeout sesh, she gets the group date rose. A few girls bring up a valid point - if all Nick wants is sex, no wonder he's on his 4th try...

Special props to The Dolphin (no longer dressed as a shark or dolphin, thank goodness) for celebrating her fake boobs' first birthday (or "boobday") with cupcakes. And telling Nick her boobs tasted better. #BOOM

Danielle gets the first one-on-one date, and they take a helicopter to a yacht and end up on a ferris wheel. Quite a whirlwind day. Plus they open up to each other about past relationships and we learn that she was engaged but he died of a drug overdose. Sheesh. Nick handles this like a champ and she gets the rose. She actually seems like a nice normal person. Odd.

The second group date heads to the Broken Relationship Museum, which I can't believe is a real thing. Each of the six girls must get on stage and "break up" with Nick. Which proves funny in some cases, and incredibly awkward in another. I'm looking at you, Liz. Liz slept with Nick 9 months ago, as she likes to remind us, and she finally cracked and confessed the whole thing to Christen. After her "performance," Nick realized it was time to have a little chat. Especially after learning that Christen knew all the dirty details. He couldn't get a straight answer from Liz on why she never tried to contact him yet decided to show up on TV to "get to know him better," and Liz ended up getting the boot. Nick had to explain to the remaining ladies where Liz went and why - and TO BE CONTINUED.


Monday, January 9, 2017

Go for the gold

Watched the Golden Globes last night, and had a few thoughts:

  • Steve Carrell and Kristin Wiig were my faves
  • YES Meryl
  • Hugh Laurie's Trump joke was spot-on
  • Best-dressed: Natalie Portman (and baby) and Viola Davis (I obviously love color)

Friday, January 6, 2017

Thanks, I think

A girl told me that she brought me up in two separate meetings yesterday. Because I'm the "most put together person in the office." And here I was thinking it was about my awesome performance. Nope - my outfits. Sounds about right, actually.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

It's not a tumah

Anyone else watch the new Celebrity Apprentice? I had to see what all the hype was about, so watched the two hour premiere on Sunday. Mostly wanted to see what Arnold would say when kicking people off - apparently he's pulling lines from all his movies. The first person to go got "You're terminated. Go to the choppa." And the second: "You're terminated. Hasta la vista, baby." Oy. He's going to run out of these pretty quick.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Maybe I could charge tickets. Like the zoo.

A big chunk of drywall fell out of my attic ceiling over the weekend (happy new year!), and I blame whatever creatures that have made themselves at home up there. It truly sounds like they are moving furniture, so I knew it couldn't be rats. (Unless they were mutant rats...) Maybe squirrels?

So Orkin Wildlife (??) came out yesterday and apparently I have...raccoons.

"Several" raccoons, to be exact. Good times. And now that there's a gaping hole in the garage where I can see into the attic, I am terrified to be in the garage for any length of time. Certain a pair of beady eyes will be staring at me and I'll get jumped like Buddy the Elf when he tried to hug one.

Home ownership sucks sometimes. But I still prefer raccoons to rats.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Bachelor Recap: The Red Dress District

Annnnnd we're back. Sunday night had a pointless one-hour "preview" special, but I'm not even going to get into it. Nick Viall is our Bachelor, because three times isn't enough apparently and he clearly enjoys crying on national television.

The black box makes it's return, as Nick hops into the shower. Not sure why these shots are necessary, but whatever. After a brief Bach-chat with former B's Ben, Chris and Sean (who clearly have little else going on in their lives), Nick heads to the mansion to meet the 30 lucky ladies.

They include:

Alexis: Wacky NJ native who loves dolphins so much she spends the entire evening in a shark costume. But swears it's a dolphin. (This makes me miss Left Shark, but bygones.) Rose.

Angela: Model from South Carolina, I believe. One of 15-20 wearing a red dress. No rose.

Astrid: All I remember is a pink (not red) dress. Rose.

Briana: Nurse. Purple dress. (I'm telling you - so many in red you noticed the ones who weren't!) No rose.

Brittany: Nurse with low self-esteem and a red dress. Rose.

Christen: YELLOW dress. Taught Nick the box step and claimed they were ballroom dancing. Alrighty. Rose.

Corinne: "Runs" her daddy's multi-million dollar company, but yet has a nanny. Clearly being edited to be the bad girl, Corinne planted the first kiss on an unsuspecting (yet totally fine with it) Nick. Rose.

Danielle: In the running for first impression rose, mostly due to the fact that her boobs were thisclose to popping out. Rose.

Danielle M: Neo-natal ICU nurse who brought Nick her dad's homemade syrup and fed it to him on her finger. Is that hygenic, D? Rose.

Dominique: Nose ring. Rose.

Liz: Slept with Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding, refused to give him her number and conveniently shows up now that he's the Bachelor. Interesting. Rose.

Elizabeth: From Dallas. Rose.

Hailey: Canada, eh? Friends with Canadaniel I think. Or it was staged. Rose.

Ida Marie: Two-piece blue lace dress. That's all I remember. No rose.

Jaimi: Tells Nick he has balls, and so does she - and puts her fingers up her nose to reveal the bullring. Classy! Rose.

Jasmine B: No rose. No idea.

Jasmine G: I remember her from Dallas Cowboys: Making the team. Best dressed, in my opinion. Rose.

Josephine: Another super weird one who presents Nick with a book with an uncooked hot dog inside and says "you're a weiner in my book!" And then proceeds to ask him to eat it "Lady and the Tramp style." Sigh. Rose.

Kristina: cool spy-like Russian accent, dental assistant. Rose.

Lacey: Rode in on a camel, because she heard Nick likes to hump. Oy. Rose.

Lauren: I enjoyed her opening line comparing Nick's unfortunate last name ("vile") to hers ("hussy"), but apparently it was a no-go. No rose.

 Michelle: I don't remember her at all. No rose.

Olivia: From Alaska, gave him an Eskimo kiss! No rose.

Rachel: Attorney from Dallas, got the first impression rose. This girl is on fiyah.

Raven: From a tiny town in Arkansas, she did the Pig Sooie call. Oy again. Rose, y'all.

Sarah: This one came running up in sneakers, as the "runner up." Get it??? Rose.

Susannah. No clue who this is. No rose.

Taylor: Social worker with an amazing rollerblading body. Rose.

Vanessa: Another one to watch, she is from Quebec, speaks French and teaches special ed. Sigh. Rose.

Whitney: Another red dress, another rose.

Looking forward to another most dramatic season ever!!!