After yesterday's landmark decision in the Supreme Court (!), I saw a lot of "SCOTUS" mentions on Facebook. Already knew about POTUS and FLOTUS (my personal favorite), but SCOTUS brings things to a whole new level. And I kind of love it.
The Bachelorette world tour has begun! First stop: Munich. Des has never been to Europe, so she's pretty stoked to use one of the only German words she knows: Prost (cheers)! (I may have also heard her say Danke at the very beginning.)
Also busting out the German is Chris Harrison, who greets the remaining dudes with a Guten Morgen (and yes, my "Learn German in Your Car" CDs are finally coming in handy). I find myself wildly distracted by the fact that the guys are all wearing the same hoodie (albeit in different colors). We will soon learn that underneath those hoodies, they're all wearing different shades of v-neck tees, and over those hoodies, matching furry hooded parkas. So bizarro.
The first one-on-one date goes to Chris, who agrees to look moronic by trying to speak and understand German, dressing up in lederhosen (had to look up the spelling on that bad boy) and dancing around the square while a crowd gathered. Morons are even morons in Germany, apparently. The date gets interrupted by Bryden, who scours the town to find Des in order to tell her he's leaving. She seems more upset that he got a free flight to Munich than the fact that he's ditched her, but he doesn't really seem to care. She returns to Chris, saying she doesn't want to talk about it, then proceeds to talk about it for the next 10 minutes. Chris changes the subject by reading her another poem (and I fast-forwarded here to avoid the awkward), they kiss and dance and he snags the rose. Danke.
The group date showcases the above-mentioned parkas: they head up to the top of the highest peak, with breathtaking views of the Alps. And yes, there was a yodeler. Thankyoujesus. Loved that Juan Pablo didn't know how to pronounce it and needed the producers to help a brother out. Who else was hoping for a yodelling competition between the guys? But no - instead they catapulted themselves DOWN the highest peak in little plastic sleds. And all proceeded to wipe out. One poor soul even crashed into Des. She brushed it off (as well as the snow in her face) and they headed inside to get warm. Or not, since they chose to hang out in an ice bar. I have been to an ice bar before (of course, it was in Vegas, not Germany), and that shiz is freezing. No one was wiping their runny noses or rubbing their hands together for warmth, so methinks it was not as cold as it could have been. Brooks gets some alone time with Des, and they seem to really have chemistry. And like to make out. He's mad about the one-on-one time James (big-neck) gets, but I personally enjoyed Nick. He interrupted Mikey's date by yodelling to Des, and then told her how 10 years ago in that very spot, he decided not to be a priest. But they still haven't kissed, so I don't think Des is feeling Mr Abs. The rose goes to Brooks, but James doesn't mind - the only person he has to fear is himself. Ominous.
Speaking of ominous, the dreaded two-on-one date is next, pitting rivals Ben and Michael against each other. (Nice work, producers!) Michael compares it to a gladiator setting, saying he's going to kill Ben. Or at least use his awesome federal prosecutor skills on him. Ooooooh.We proceed to the Most Awkward Date in the History of Time.
Des tells the boys they have to polar bear plunge-it into the lake, but JUST KIDDING! Instead, they all sit and stare at each other in a floating hot tub (awesome, btw). Michael immediately goes for the jugular, telling Des that Ben doesn't get along with anyone in the house, and asks him point-blank how often he has called his son since he's been on the show. Basically calls him a dead-beat dad. And there's nowhere for Ben to go! (One problem with the floating hot tub - it's not a floating hot tub time machine. Hey-oh.)
There's no relief back on dry land at dinner, as Michael next decides to call Ben out on his faith, wondering why he didn't go to church with everyone else on Easter. (Um, why wasn't this filmed? Amazing.) Ben finally has to take a moment to collect himself, and Des tells Michael he's waaaaay out of line (Amen. No pun intended.). Michael rebounds, knowing he's about to screw himself out of the rose, and expresses his concerns for her and Ben. I was really hoping she would send both of these idiots packing, but Michael somehow manages to get the rose. Ben shows his true d-bag colors in the exit limo. Bye, Ben. Maybe I'll come visit you at your bar. But probably not.
During this debacle, we pan back to the fellas in the hotel, and learn that James is happy to replace Ben as the villain - he just wants to be the next Bachelor. Since he already "owns" Chicago. Really? Does Oprah know about this? But that will have to be continued, because the only guy going home after the rose ceremony is Mikey. Excellent choice. Eliminating, one meathead at a time.
I may print up some Team Juan Pablo shirts. Just sayin'.
Went to see Ke$ha and Pitbull last night. Was initially afraid for my life, imagining what the crowd would be like. But instead just felt overdressed. This was how 90% of the audience was dressed:
I clearly did not get the daisy dukes memo. There was also lots of body glitter - thanks, Ke$ha. Her stage included blow-up legs, a big inflatable pig and lots of people dressed in animal costumes. Either she's on acid or she's into beastiality. (Legs and pig seen below)
The craziest part was the location. It was called Starplex growing up (and has gone through unfortunate name-changes over the years: Smirnoff, Superpages.com and now Gexa Energy Pavilion), and it will always be Starplex to me. We saw lots of shows there in high school: Duran Duran, Brooks & Dunn, Spin Doctors, Jimmy Buffet...and I honestly can't believe our parents let us go. Looking around at all the high school kids last night who were drinking, smoking pot, wearing bras as tops and tiny underwear-revealing shorts and, if they obeyed Ke$ha's final words, "getting laid!", I just wanted to ask them "do your parents KNOW where you are/what you're wearing?!" Good lord I'm old.
It's possible I picked up a tin of Altoids that fell onto the floor of the car and somehow turned on an indicator light. It's also possible that I busted out the manual (!) to find out what the light meant (at that point didn't know I had turned it on and thought something was horribly wrong with my car). Learned that I had turned off the Overdrive (?), and to turn it back on simply needed to press the button on the gear shift (??). Flipping around, I didn't see a page for that in the manual, so sadly I had to call my dad to find out what the gear shift was. When he told me (through muffled giggles), I felt fairly dumb. Of COURSE that's what the gear shift is. And there's the Overdrive button. Good lord. Might be time to invest in an auto mechanics class.
For some reason, I follow Cornwell Casting on Facebook, and good lord they are casting for some hilarious shows.
Do you have a secret office romance going on? Cornwell Casting is looking for men and women, 20-35, in the Los Angeles and surrounding area who are involved in an office romance for a major network show! Whether it be strictly a friends with benefits situation, or if you are secretly dating, we want to speak to YOU! This is for a new docu-series will follow multiple pairs as they navigate the line between dating and just being co-workers. To participate, both people must be willing to participate and be open and honest about the relationship.
Are you in a friends with benefits situation? Do you live in Los Angeles?
Anyone know any ghost hunters? Storm chasers?
URGENT: KNOW SOMEONE THAT IS GETTING SEPARATED/DIVORCED?
Still looking for divorcing or separating couples with assets for Vikki Ziegler to split for a new BRAVO show! Email us at Info@CornwellCasting.com for more details.If you refer a couple that makes it onto the show, you'll get $500! If you refer two, you get $1500. This show is meant to be portrayed in a lighthearted, positive manner as we know this can be a difficult time for couples! Casting ends soon.
Too bad I don't live in California anymore. Not that any of these shows apply to me...ahem...
If you'll humor me, I'd like to do this recap a bit differently. I'm going to breeze by the boring one-on-one dates and focus on the Best Group Date EVER. Thanks.
We arrive in Atlantic City (guess Vegas wasn't in the budget). Des has another lame one-on-one date with Brad (who?), who thank god doesn't get the rose. Then she has a tear-jerker date with James (big-neck), touring the destruction from Hurricane Sandy. (Romantic!) Which then becomes "The Elderly Bachelor" when a Jersey Shore couple whose house was destroyed gets to go on the date, see Darius Rucker, eat a fancy dinner, ride in a limo, even have interviews with the camera. Cute, yes, but it all went on a bit long for me. We get it, ABC. Jan and Manny are sweet. But jeez. I will note that James again mentions he's there "for the right reasons" - this needs to be a drinking game.
Now back to the good stuff. Oh good lord - it's a Bachelorette Mr. America competition. Who else thinks this should be its own reality show. I would watch this crap every week (wait - I already do. Hey-oh.). With advice from the reigning Miss America (not cute - what gives?) and a fabulous gay pageant coach, the boys learn to walk the runway (amazing), answer interview questions (Juan Pablo FTW), perform a talent (back to this in a minute) and of course, the swimsuit competition (banana hammocks!!). Yessssss.
Luckily, the guys all seem up for the challenge, and all seem to have recently been tanned and waxed. So we're good. The talent portion was my favorite part - everything from Magic Mike (Bryden!) to ukelele smashing (Brooks) to a reading from Romeo and Juliet (Drew) to baton twirling (Juan Pablo, with amazing natural talent!) to rhythmic gymnastics with a ribbon (Ben) to bad tap-dancing (Kasey) to some sort of embarrassing striptease (Mickey) to the odd choice of hula-hooping in high heels (Chris). Seriously I could have watched this all night.
Kasey wins, although my money was on Chris, but that oddly doesn't guarantee him the rose. It instead goes to Zak W for his lengthy (and highly fast-forwardable) guitar-playing and singing. Alrighty. Chris also reveals he's a poet (and does in fact know it), reading her some of his work before moving in for the smooch. Smooth, man. There is also some usual Ben-bashing from his fan club (Mickey and Michael). Getting old, boys.
At the cocktail party, Bryden is distraught and might just go home, but Des convinces him to stay. Michael (federal prosecutor) spells out D-E-S and goes in for a seemingly awkward kiss (seriously - has she kissed them ALL at this point?!). Sadly, only the other Zack gets the boot. Always awkward when only one guy goes home.
Next week: Munich and Ben shares some of the bad-boy rap with James. Yay for big necks and bigger egos!
Saw Huey Lewis and the News last night - they are touring to promote the 30th anniversary (!) of their Sports album. And they totally rocked it, even in their advanced age. Before coming back on for the encore, Huey complained to the cheering audience that it was 9:30 - way past his bedtime. Love.
There was also a DeLorean on display - I guess tying in with Power of Love and Back to the Future - so cool. I believe it even had a flux capacitor. One guy got his picture taken next to the car, checking his watch. Similar to this:
A friend and I went to "singles night" at a wine bar last night. Considering the only guy I talked to was celebrating his 56th birthday this weekend, let's just say it was not a successful endeavor. But one of the "games" they offered was "Get to know you" Bingo, where you go around trying to find people who have met certain requirements on the Bingo card. (Good times.) Not to toot my own horn, but I could almost fill out the card all on my own. For example:
Has more than two tattoos: check.
Has been on TV: check. (My amazing turn as an extra on 90210, West Wing, Party of Five, etc.)
Can play an instrument: check. (Assuming taking piano lessons for five years counts. Hey - I can still play Axel F...)
Can speak another language: check-ish. (Used to be fluent in Spanish.)
Owns a dog: check.
Has had braces: check.
Has traveled outside of the US: check.
Now, I couldn't fill them all in - I do need to work on things like getting my PhD. But "being the baby of the family" could be tough, seeing as how I'm the oldest. Dangit. So close to Bingo.
I have taken my dog, Charlie, to multiple dog parks and even a few dog-friendly bars. All the other dogs are running around, barking and playing - but not Charlie. She prefers to sit quietly in my lap. I can't figure out if she's dainty and doesn't want to get dirty, anti-social or just redonk shy, but a random dude in my building put the best label on her ever: "she's just bougie." (For those not in the know, click here for the definition of bougie.)
Now granted, the guy in question dresses and talks like he's Eminem. He has a cute son and a crazy dog named Superman. So his judgment could be iffy. But now I really want to name a dog " Bougie."
The latest two-hour timesuck that is the Bachelorette begins with everyone's favorite pastime: no, not baseball - DODGEBALL. That's right - group date #1 pits the boys against each other, and the guys are ready for action. Although I can't help but wonder why none of them is mentioning their teeny tiny shorts (or sweatbands, tank tops and knee socks, for that matter). Des finally giggles about their shorts, so I am somewhat satisfied.
Brooks breaks a finger playing "the ball" - which actually seems pretty gruesome and a real injury (unlike Tierra's faking last season) - and is escorted off to the ER, where we are blessed (or cursed) with some shots of him with legs sprawled, still in the short-shorts. The blue team pulls out the victory, but not without every possible "balls" phrase being tossed around (see what I did there?) - "balls were whizzing by me," "it was balls to the wall," etc. Sigh.
Similar to last season, Des decides not to reward the winners at all, letting the losing red team come along to date part deux as well. Lame. Brooks returns, still in the damn short-shorts. (Seriously, guy - you couldn't have at least removed the sweatband?) But Des must like the 70s look, because they have a makeout sesh. (NOTE: Making out seems to be a recurring theme in this episode. Atta girl.)
Brad (who?) pulls her aside and reveal HIS sob story: he's a single dad and his ex stole his car but yet the cops arrested him for domestic violence. And something about a restraining order...red flag! Abort! Abort!
Chris gets the group date rose for "stumbling upon" the amazing rooftop of the building for their one-on-one. (Um, don't you mean the producers told you where to go? How dumb do they think we are?!)
The next day, Des seems to be writing in the old journal shirtless Zak gave her. She also doesn't seem to be wearing any pants. (At second glance, they are peach skinny jeans. But she looks naked.) Before her one-on-one date with Kasey, Chris Harrison gives her a call on the Bach-phone. (Not unlike the Batphone.) There's a problem. Uh oh.
Turns out Brian (who?) was not entirely truthful - he has a girlfriend back home. A single mother girlfriend, to make things worse. And guess what? She's here! A very loud and uncomfortable discussion ensues between Brian, his girlfriend, Des and Chris Harrison, trying unsuccessfully to referee the situation. Brian tries to defend himself, but it doesn't matter - Des wants him gone. He is escorted out by a giant security dude named Pauly. I did enjoy that the girlfriend got to leave in a limo, while Brian had to ride in the van. Ha.
Des pulls up her naked pants and heads out for the most uncomfortable date ever with Kasey. From dancing on the side of a building, aka "bandaloop" (badly) to getting windblown on the roof to kissing in the pools with towels over their heads (?!), there didn't seem to be any chemistry at all. And yet...rose.
The last group date is brought to you by Disney's The Lone Ranger, opening in theaters July 3! That's right, boys - you will get cowboy lessons from the stunt team in the movie! They don their cowboy duds (and Dan splits his pants!), learn to lasso, shot fake guns, and throw fake punches. Fun times. Juan Pablo (who is redonk hot, btw) gets it done en espanol, and wins one-on-one time with Des. Which equates to watching The Lone Ranger (starring Army Hammer and Johnny Depp, coming soon!) in a barn. JP, smart hombre that he is, decides that a makeout sesh is better than the movie.
Another makeout sesh follows (in a tree) with Bryden, who is never man enough to make the first move.
But somehow he doesn't get the rose - that instead goes to big-neck James, because his father is sick (sob story!) and he doesn't know if he has a shot. Rose.
Des decides to bypass the cocktail party with...a pool party! The majority of which is spent in a hot tub big enough for all the dudes and her. Not bad, gotta say. But before the party can start, Ben pulls a...Ben and makes her take him for a drive. Sneaky bastard continues to tell all the guys he hasn't had any time with her, even though some of them saw them making out in the Bentley. Ohhhh snap. Mikey is so distraught, I'm starting to wonder if he likes Ben. I mean seriously guy. Get a grip and go talk to Des, not Ben.
Brandon pulls Des aside to tell her he's in love with her. And of course more sob stories about his mom bringing home different guys (um, hey hoochie mom) and the guys always ended up leaving. This will not end well for Brandon, who has to tell Des a "secret" and plants one on her. I may have cringed.
Finally, it's rose ceremony time. Des is wearing a bright blue dress of her own design (thanks, People.com), and gives the boot to Dan and Brandon. WTF on kicking out Dan?? Mikey should have been a goner. I liked Dan. Boo. And poor Brandon just couldn't deal. Someone left him again. He also couldn't cry - he was "all out of tears." Ohhhhh no.
Next week: Atlantic City and the Big Bad Ben. Bring it.
What is it about being on the big screen at sporting events that makes people go berserk? Kids, I get - waving and staring at themselves. But adults act like kids too - jumping up and down, waving, smooching the person next to them, putting up the "we're #1" finger, etc. It's truly hilarious to me. Then again, I've never been on the big screen - lord knows what I would do.
We begin with the first one-on-one date: Brooks. He looks like the guy from Bride Wars to me:
But they are super cute together, trying on wedding dresses and tuxes (why is this a recurring date on this show?!), sitting on the Hollywood sign and dancing to a private concert. Oh, and smooching. And let's not forget his sob story - because apparently every guy on this season has to have one - his parents are divorced and that's hard. Aw. Rose.
Up next: the verrrrry unfortunate and hard to watch group date: filming a rap video with Soulja Boy. Oh, Soulja Boy. I am so embarrassed for you right now. Soulja Boy soul(ja)'d out, y'all. Each guy gets assigned a role - representing the douchebags from prior seasons. D-bags playing d-bags - how ironic. Ben manages to steal lots of time with Des during the shoot, and ends up getting the rose, to everyone's chagrin. Mikey goes so far as to pull him aside and tell him he's not being very nice. Ben lays it on thick, including some sort of compliment about Mikey's shoes, and all is forgotten. (Until the rose ceremony.) After he takes the Speedo off and puts regular clothes back on, Brandon uses his time to spill HIS sob story about an absentee dad and a drug addict mom. Sigh.
The last one-on-one date goes to Iraqi war vet Bryden. (Seriously, guy - that hairdo. Not good.) The road trip leads to a night at Ojai, where Bryden spills HIS sob story - which oddly isn't about Iraq - that he was in a terrible car accident and almost died. And then proceeds to whip out the pictures. Okaaaaay. But Des eats this shiz up - Rose.
Now it's time for the rose ceremony. Three guys have to go, so it's crunch time. Michael feels he needs to give her his (say it with me) sob story: he's a diabetic. Now, no offense to diabetics (my grandfather was one, so I get it) - but with proper care, you can live a long and fruitful life, no? Not exactly a "dun dun DUN" moment...(although clearly it is, because Des gives him a rose in the end.) But Michael gets interrupted by Ben - who already HAS a rose - thereby pissing off all the other dudes in the house. (Sidebar: I just learned that Ben is not really an "entrepreneur" in Dallas - more like a "bartender.") But Ben doesn't care - similar to Tierra last season, he's not there to make friends (and probably can't control his eyebrow) - but confrontations abound. Yay dude drama. I kind of love it.
Will (Smith - ironic, no?), Nick (who I barely remember) and Robert (spinning sign inventor) get the boot. Next week: someone still has a girlfriend, and there are lots of tank tops. So many tank tops. So little time.