Monday, February 29, 2016

Room with a view

I haven't seen many of the movies nominated for Oscars (actually only one - shout out, The Martian), but I decided to cram in Room yesterday afternoon. It was emotionally draining, but oh. My. God. Amazing. Especially this little guy:

This movie is going to be with me for a while. And I kinda like it.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Danger. Danger.

I heard a radio personality talking this week about moving into her first home, and how the alarm installation guy scared the hell out of her. I wonder if they have a script for single women, because the same thing happened to me. Complete with the backwards code I'm supposed to enter if I am being held prisoner at gunpoint in my home. Call me crazy, but I don't think I would be able to remember my code forwards with a gun to my head, nonetheless backwards! #adtfail

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I've had my share of doctor's visits lately, and I have to complain for one second. When visiting the lady doctor, I get that a nurse now has to be present for my protection, but can she not sit up by my head? Is there really a need for a crowd down there? I mean, it's not a show, people. #justsaying

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Name that tune

You know when you get a totally random song stuck in your head for no apparent reason? My song of the day is P Diddy's "Bad Boy For Life." See? Random.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Bachelor recap: No more I love you's

The final four ladies get to bring Ben to their hometowns to be grilled by their families! Fun for everyone!

We start in Laguna Beach with Amanda. (Rough life this girl like leads, like.) Ben is ready to meet her daughters, who appear adorably dressed in matching dresses, sweaters, shoes and pigtails. The older one, Kinsley, warms up quickly to Ben as they chase seagulls around. The younger one, Charlie, wants nothing to do with this show and throws a tantrum on the way home to prove it. #attagirl

Amanda's mother isn't sure Ben is ready for an insta-family, but once Amanda cries about how much she likes him, everyone agrees he is nice enough. Ben reads the girls a bedtime story about him and Amanda, but we are left wondering how it ends. (Perhaps it's like the case of the puppy and the pigeon in Elf...)

Next up: Portland to visit Lauren's family. Lauren is super happy to see him and takes him to some touristy area of the city (including a "Keep Portland Weird" sign, which rivals the very existence of Austin, Texas), ending up in a whiskey library (which she unfortunately pronounces "libary"). Because hard liquor before parents = success!

Lauren admits to the camera and to her sister that she's in love with Ben, but doesn't want to tell him until he passes the family test. Her sister Mollie is skeptical (aka NORMAL), and Lauren's younger bros throw Ben off with questions about the fantasy suite. But Ben tears up when talking to Mollie about Lauren, and she crumbles. Is he in love, or is he just an excellent actor? We shall see...
Even though Ben has seemingly passed the test with flying colors, Lauren can't tell him she loves him. As he drives off, she regrets it and fears she may never get to reveal her feelings! Oh, the dramz.

Ben heads to Hudson, Ohio to meet Caila and her family. She bounced around as a kid and doesn't have "roots," but she wants to show off her fancy high school/favorite bench to him anyway. They then go to her father's toy company and design and build a kiddie house. Kind of adorbs, until producers make them re-enact a classic scene from Officer and a Gentlemen, which Ben and Caila are both too young to have seen:

At Caila's parents' house, we meet her cute parents, and her father starts off asking Ben how it feels to have "microwave fame." Ohh, burn. He then tells Ben marrying into the Filipino culture keeps marriage exciting, even after 24 years. Her mother tells her to go for it, take a risk, but her father tells her to be cautious - he doesn't want her emotions to take over. Although she wants to tell Ben she's in love with him, once again she doesn't. Come on, ladies.

Finally, we're in Dallas with JoJo, and she clearly lives in Uptown. (Of course she does.) She arrives at her condo to find a dozen red roses and a letter, which she assumes is from Ben. But once she starts reading, she realizes it's from her ex-boyfriend Chad (Rookstool, who apparently is a 38-year-old salon owner). #dramz

This upsets JoJo, who calls Chad to end things just in time for Ben to show up. He can see she's been crying, and she explains what happened. Ben is thinking she's going to go back to her ex, but is relieved to hear that she feels much happier where she is and who she is with now. Sorry Chad.

JoJo dries her tears and they head to her family's ginormous home in Argyle, complete with her unassuming father and sister, overly-Botoxed and Restalyned mother, and overbearing brothers (one of whom was on a dating reality show of his own!). The brothers are very protective, basically threatening that Ben would have to move to Dallas because the family is really, really REALLY attached to Joelle, and even telling Ben that he plays mind games on the women. They tell JoJo she likes him more than he likes her, which freaks both Ben and JoJo out. Thanks, bros. And then this happens:

In case you can't see, that's JoJo's mom taking a swig out of the champagne bottle. YASSSSS queen!

At the rose ceremony, it's Amanda who is sent packing. She's stunned, as she was ready to accept a proposal from Ben, and is a little pissed because she thinks he could have told her sooner and not put her through the stress of another rose ceremony. Sorry sweetie - Ben makes these decisions on the fly.

Next week, the final three head to Jamaica for some pot-smoking fantasy suites!

Monday, February 22, 2016

Auntie Mame

I'm going to be an aunt! My brother and his wife are having a baby boy in late August, and I. Am. Thrilled. I wish we lived in the same city, but thankfully Austin is a short drive away. I'm a first time aunt (long time caller), so I will be lavishing this little guy with toys, books and of course, mustache-related items.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Whatever happened to predictability?

I admit it - I'm a bit curious about Fuller House. Doubt I will be able to stomach the sugary sweetness for all of the episodes, but I will certainly watch the first one. If only to see Kimmy Gibbler again. If the show succeeds, I predict a Family Matters remix starring Steve Urkel (or better, Stefan Urquelle). Holy TGIF deja vu.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Basketball giveth and basketball taketh away

Another soul-crushing blow in the saga that is UNC-Duke last night. During the last minute, I was standing, screaming at the TV "Time out!" "Call a time out!!" If only someone had heard me. But no time out was called, and the stupid Blue Devils won by one point. Not the best evening for a person who has recently been hospitalized for chest pains, I can assure you.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Staring down the barrel

How is it possible that some of my high school classmates/close friends are turning 40 this year?? It's times like these that I am glad I'm one of the youngest. Relatively speaking. I'm still almost 40. Which is slightly terrifying. I feel like I'm about 32. Ah, 32. Wish I had appreciated it back then. #thisis40?

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Bachelor recap: The Other Warsaw

The ladies have to pack their bags again - we're off to Warsaw! No, not Poland - Indiana, aka Ben's home town. (Ah yes - the OTHER Warsaw.) That's right - it's time for a week of down-home, small town dating life with the only person to leave hometown hero Ben Higgins!

Ben settles the girls into a house in his neighborhood, warning them not to look into his parents' window in case they are in the throes of passion. (??) He then throws date cards to wind and invites Lauren B on the first one-on-one date (although now that she's finally the only Lauren left, we can just call her Lauren). Lauren is relieved to talk to Ben after Leah threw her under the bus in the Bahamas.  But first, they hit the youth center where Ben worked for four years, and we see he's great with kids, even crying ones. Little Ronnie sinks a basket from half court, which means Ben and Lauren have to kiss, but the kids are quickly distracted by a special appearance by a few Indiana Pacers. Lauren is impressed with this "real" Ben, not just "Bachelor" Ben, and is in fact falling in love with him.

JoJo gets the next one-on-one date, and they meet at Wrigley Field in Chicago. They're invited inside, where they don Mr Higgins and Mrs Higgins baseball jerseys and get to take the field. In a scene from Little Big League, they pitch to each other and run the bases. But JoJo has struggled with opening up, so at dinner (in center field)  she admits to being scared because she likes him so much, and she's still Team Ben. This is good enough for Mr Higgins.

The group date sends Caila, Amanda and Becca to a farm, complete with boats, kites and one rose. Caila gets to be in the rowboat with Ben, but she worries that she doesn't have the "deep roots" that he wants. Becca doesn't want to be blindsided, and Amanda just wants Ben to meet her daughters. Rose goes to Becca. The other girls get sent back to the house, and Ben and Amanda continue their romantic rendezvous at...McDonald's. Ah, small town life. They work the drive-thru window and share a fry, Lady and the Tramp style, and then head to a carnival possibly thrown in Ben's honor. It's like Warsaw's version of paparazzi - lots of photos and shares on social media as Ben wins Amanda lots of lame prizes and loses his shit on one of the carnival rides.

Emily gets the last one-on-one date, and she feels he saved the best for last. Oh, twin.Ben takes her to meet his parents, which actually seems pretty rude because we know there's not an attraction  there for him. There's no attraction there for his parents, either - as Emily chatters on to Ben's mom about her lifelong dream about being an NFL cheerleader. loving the ducks/swans and that she's young but average at everything in life! (NOTE: I cringed through this entire date.) His mom literally cried when talking to Ben afterwards. Not a good sign. But bless her heart, Emily handled the news pretty well - probably because now she can be reunited with her twin!

At the rose ceremony, Ben is torn between two women, but ultimately kicks off Becca because their relationship hasn't progressed as much as the others. Becca is pissed, asking him why he would do that to her when she specifically said not to blindside her! In the exit limo, she wonders aloud why she keeps getting into these situations. I answer aloud "stop signing up for The Bachelor."

Next week, hometown dates with the ladies and JoJo's bros seem to put the Texas Heat on Ben. Can't wait!

Monday, February 15, 2016

The Bachelor at 20, aka 20 years of my life I'll never get back

Ah, the Bachelor recap/Jade and Tanner wedding. A few thoughts:

Where were the villains? Courtney, Vienna, Tierra...

I hope Ali looked back and realized how terrible her extensions looked.

British Bachelor who picked Lorenzo Lamas' daughter - totally forgot about that season.

Ashley S is pregnant. Please name it Mesa Verde.

Oh, Bob Guiney.

I miss Bachelor Pad.

Chris Harrison has the easiest job in America. Maybe the world.

And finally...SEAL?? Does he have nothing better to do??

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Paging Dr Ross

Turns out the worst time to be single and have no family in town is when you're in the hospital. I am rarely sick and have only been in the ER once before (for stitches), so yesterday's 8-hour stint was quite eye-opening. First of all, ER waiting rooms are terrifying. (Although the 4pm scene compared to the packed midnight crowd was quite different.) I had been experiencing pressure in my chest and elevated blood pressure, so I got an EKG, followed by a bunch of bloodwork, chest x-ray (wheeled down to radiology!) and an IV. Once hooked up to the IV, the fire alarm started going off and I had a total panic attack, because no one was coming to check on me and I couldn't move. I debated ripping the IV out of my arm and  making a run for it, but finally a nurse responded to the call button that it was a false alarm. Jesus. The blood work tested positive for a blood clot, so then I had to inject dye and get a CAT scan. (Mind you, since this was the ER, I was superceded by a trauma and a stroke, so these tests were like hours apart.) Turned out to be a false positive, and I was sent home with prescriptions for all kinds of stuff - acid reflux, muscle relaxers and pain meds. So this weekend should be fun.

Also, I picked an awesome day to wear Spanx. Just saying.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Gonna be a looooong 40 days

I'm not a religious person, but I've decided to give up dating for Lent. Shouldn't be hard, since I've been on like one date in 2016. But still. Such a giver, people. #canigetanamen

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Bachelor recap: When pigs fly - er, swim

Another overly dramatic week on the show begins where we left off last week, with Ben pulling Olivia aside at the rose ceremony. He tells her he's heard some things, and she comes back with the "I have a target on my back" and "I can't relate to women who are into painting their nails - I want to talk smart things." Oof. Regardless of her loose use of the English language, she is confident - and Ben brings her back into the fold, much to the chagrin of everyone else. It's Jennifer who is kicked to the curb - Jen, we hardly knew ye. (Which is probably why you got the boot.)

Get out your fancy bikinis, girls - we're off to the Bahamas! Also grab a poncho - the weather will be stormy, but you'll still have to be outdoors! The first date card goes to Caila, which royally pisses off Leah - how come SHE gets a second one-on-one date before I even get a first one?? She pouts, even in front of Ben. They only live 10 minutes apart in Denver, dammit! #stalkerpotential

But at least she's not confusing, which is more than I can say for Caila. During the evening portion of the date, she tells Ben she's in love with him, but in the same breath says she's not sure she can let down her guard because he might get hurt? Ben is equally confused, even considers letting her go then and there, but somehow she becomes intriguing and is given the rose. I ask myself what the hell just happened. This will be a common phrase this evening.

Leah continues to be bummed out when she hears her name on the group date card. Looks like it's Olivia versus Emily on the dreaded two-on-one date, but first the girls have to swim with pigs. That's right - it's the famous Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, which prove bigger and a bit feistier than the girls expected.


JoJo provides the best line of the night here: "It's like being at a bar in Dallas - pigs everywhere." YES!!

Ben thinks this will be a fun date, but the group date mentality is wearing thin for the ladies, and everyone is in a funk. Especially Leah, who uses her time that evening to talk trash about Lauren B, saying she is a different person in the house than the girl he clearly has feelings for. I feel like this came out of nowhere, and clearly Leah is shooting herself in the foot by wasting her Ben time talking about someone else. Does no one learn from previous seasons??? Ben tells Lauren what he heard, which of course sends her into a fit of tears, and Leah lies to her face, saying she never said anything and who would do such a thing?? Draaaaaama. But the show must go on, and Ben gives the rose to Amanda, who is the only one who hasn't cried today.

Post-date, Lauren realizes it was in fact Leah who threw her under the bus, but can't confront her because Leah has snuck over to Ben's place in her best Daisy Dukes to talk more smack. Seriously girl? You bitch about not having time with him, so you make time with talk about another girl? #eyeroll

Ben feels my #eyeroll because he tells Leah it's not going to work out. Sorry not sorry. Leah feels foolish, which she should, and Ben heads out for another rocky day at sea with Olivia and Emily, who has once again been allowed to call her twin on a producer's cell phone. WTF.

Olivia is super confident going into this date, because even though they are the same age, she feels so much older than Emily - "like her mom!" She tells Ben serious news is her jam, and admits she has fallen in love for him. They share an awkward kiss and I strain to see the infamous fat toes, which she has unfortunately buried in the sand.

Ben then spends some time talking to Emily's hair, because it's so damn windy her face is completely covered. She admits to having some growing up to do, but wants him to be there for that! I feel no chemistry here and hope he sends both of these gals packing. He grabs the rose and pulls Olivia aside. Emily is bummed, and O is pumped - until Ben tells her he can't reciprocate her feelings, and leaves her standing on a rock in the rain, whimpering. Emily gets the rose (why).

This has been a stressful week for Ben, and he can't muster up the strength for more tears a cocktail party. So it's straight on to the rose ceremony. Lauren B is nervous because of what Leah told him, but it's Lauren H who gets sent home to ugly cry in the exit limo.

In preview scenes from upcoming episodes, it looks like Ben falls in love with two women, and sends the wrong one home? I'm sure this is the editing messing with my mind, but I will no doubt be tuning in just in case...

Monday, February 8, 2016

Pimp my ride. Please.

So I bought a new car earlier this month. It's brand new and had like 27 miles on it. However, it's fairly ghetto: it doesn't have power windows or locks. I honestly asked the salesman, "They still MAKE cars without power windows and locks??" Apparently some Jeep enthusiasts don't want them, as manual systems are more "tried and true" to Jeeps. That's all fine and good until I try to let someone in and have to reach across the seat like a doofus. I haven't had to manually roll down the window since my very first car back in 1993. (Ah, the Celica.) But strangely, this thing DOES have satellite radio. Because why not. #whatever #oldschool

Friday, February 5, 2016

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...the Super Bowl!

I really don't care about the game - usually watch for the commercials and the halftime show. This year, not so much - not a Coldplay fan. But it got me thinking about past halftime shows over the years. Of course we all remember Janet Jackson and Nipplegate, and I always enjoyed when Britney and NSYNC performed with Aerosmith. But what about these gems:

New Kids on the Block (1991)
Michael freaking Jackson (1993)
Paul McCartney (2005)

Might I suggest an 80s hairband halftime show? Bring in Guns N Roses, Poison, Bon Jovi and Motley Crue and really set the place on fire? Anyone? Who do I need to petition to make this happen?

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Support til it hurts

I heard a story on the news yesterday about Emotional Support Animals - and apparently it's really easy to buy a letter of authentication/certificate proving your dog should get to sit in your lap for free on a plane. (I am SO doing this, btw.) Got me thinking, though - could I use the certificate to allow me to bring Charlie to work with me, too? I mean, I need her, guys. For emotional support and stuff. #doubtful

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Hair don't

How come when I try to get my hair to look like this:

it looks like this:

#ponytail #stat

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Bachelo recap: I literally Mexican't even

The Bachelor brood heads to Mexico City for a week of amor mixed with tequila. (Do the locations keep getting more random, or is it just me?) Olivia is fairly certain she will get the first date card - and is wrong. It goes instead to Amanda, but Ben first wants to have a little fun and wakes the girls up at 4:30am. Poor Lauren H is busted wearing a retainer and looking like this:

I mean, obviously. Everyone looks liks this at 4:30am. Except for Amanda, who looks like this:

Clearly homegirl got the memo - full face of makeup and hair done, ready for the date, which I assume involved sailing around in the city in a helicopter hot air balloon because their date was cut due to the Iowa caucus. Humph - real world issues.

We do get back in time to see the evening portion of their date, and although little Amanda is baring her soul about her ex-husband, all I can focus on is how many times she says "like." Which is, like, 500. Ben must not notice (although I did pick up on him saying it a few times, too - perfect match!), because he feels closer to her and gives her the rose. Like, yay!

Up next is the group date for everyone except Lauren H, which means she's getting a one-on-one date Squee! Guess the retainer didn't totally ruin things. The group goes to Spanish class, where they learn phrases like "I love you" and "Marry me" and recite them to Ben - apparently he's not allowed to tell the girls he's fallen in love with them in English, but it's okay en Espanol. Jubilee isn't buying what he's selling, though, telling him that he said the same thing to her that he said to the previous four girls. Methinks Jubilee doesn't understand how this show works. She is certainly not living up to her name. #badmoodmuch

The second part of the date involves breaking into teams of two - and Olivia quickly stakes claim on Ben, per usual - for a cooking competition. Ben loves to cook so much, you can just call him The Spatchelor! Ba dum bum. The girls must use their newfound Spanish knowledge to get the ingredients (not sure how telling someone "you're the one for me" equates to a pound of duck, but whatever). Olivia turns this into a mini one-on-one date (she's goooood), and she and Ben flirt and eat crickets and take shots. Emily mentions Olivia's bad breath again, and believes that's why Ben had them eat some mint. Ouch.

Jubilee and Lauren B win the competition, and their prize is...nada. Good times. Olivia once again steps up and steals Ben away during the evening portion, to get her "Ben smile" back, and as they make out all I can think of is her bad breath. Bummer. Ben then takes Lauren B out onto the streets, and they walk and kiss and we wonder if he will even bother coming back. Jubilee is pouting and feeling not good enough, so Ben pulls her aside to chat. She refuses to hold his hand, and it's the beginning of the end. He asks why she never seems happy to see him, and she blames something about being awkward in a group. She then asks him if he sees a future with her, and he very kindly says no before escorting her out. #ouch  But she really brought this upon herself, and acting "unlovable" can sometimes lead to not-so-great outcomes.

JoJo sees how upset Ben is by the whole Jubilee thing, and talks him down makes out with him. She thinks that should seal the group date rose, but no - it goes to stank-mouth Olivia! She kindly tells the other girls they don't have to congratulate her. Um, thanks.

Lauren H is whisked off to Mexico City Fashion Week - which I had no idea existed - and she and Ben even get to do their best Zoolander and walk in the show. (Who else thought a preview for Zoolander 2 would follow this segment?) They do pretty well, but Ben still needs to see if there is more than a friendship there. Lauren opens up about being cheated on, and how she "chooses happy," and Ben decides to "choose Lauren" and offers her the rose.

At the cocktail party pre-rose ceremony, Amanda tells the girls about her kids, and Olivia announces that it sounds like an episode of Teen Mom. When she is greeted with crickets chirping, she explains "you know, the TV show?" Yes, we know. Amanda is pissed, y'all - she was a whopping 22 when she had her first kid! Baby voice be damned, she's no teen mom. Emily (the only surviving twin) is gobsmacked, and marches over to Ben with the kiss of death: to badmouth another contestant. Ben is somewhat receptive, until Olivia realizes what's going on and interrupts. She coos and lies through her teeth, but Ben isn't convinced. He asks several other girls about what's going on in the house, and they all sing like canaries - it's Olivia's fault. Too bad she already has a rose...

But before Ben can begin the rose ceremony, he asks Olivia to step out and chat. And we are hit with a To Be Continued.

Which includes this redonk clip from next week:

Cliffhanger, indeed.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Too pure to be pink

I watched Grease: Live last night - it wasn't as terrible as The Sound of Music: Live, but I of course prefer the movie. (I even prefer Grease 2 over this live version.) I still have a problem with the ending - that sweet virginal Sandy has to transform into a slutty, cigarette-smoking (yet also smoking hot) version of herself to win the guy - but man, Grease is the word. I have probably watched the movie 500 times, and have memorized most of it. I of course owned the record, and we would lipsync and dance around to all the songs. Even Freddy My Love, which didn't make the movie but was on TV last night. I think I'm Patty Simcox, but wanted to be Sandy. Especially slutty, smoking Sandy. #tellmeaboutitstud