Thursday, January 31, 2013

Damn you, IRS

Just did my taxes, and if I owe the government money one more year, I'm hiring an accountant. Surely I'm doing the math wrong.

Coming soon to a Hallmark store near you

I think they should make a line of Valentine's cards based on lines from 80s movies. For example:

"I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen."
"Nobody puts baby in a corner."
"Thanks for getting my undies back."
"Take me to bed or leave me forever."

And my personal fave: "You're my density. Er, my destiny."

You're welcome, lovebirds.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Sick. Ish.

Starting to get sick is almost worse than actually being sick. It's like, "I know you're in there, virus - come on out and let's get this over with!" I have been "starting to get sick" since Saturday - the cough (due to the feeling that I have a hairball in my throat, which is also fun), the sneezing, the man voice, and the overall ickiness - but nothing to actually qualify me as "sick." Come on, cold. I challenge you. Bring it on. (Please?)

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Couple-skating to "Foolish Heart" - how telling.

Oh, Sean. So easily manipulated. Maybe all it takes is tears and/or threatening to leave that turns him into a mushball? But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Selma (aka Ashley Greene) gets the first date - all "110 pounds" of her. (Thanks for sharing.) But she is a bummed out 110 when she realizes they are rock-climbing in Joshua Tree National Park. (Anyone else have a U2 flashback?) Noting he "brought the Iraqi to the desert," she finally concedes to climb after a bit of whining about the typical Bachelor contestant fear of heights. Some of the noises she made while climbing were a, but she made it. And thank god the producers told her to wear workout clothes this time. Next up: a romantic dinner (of smores?) by the fire in a trailer park. Selma is something of a diva, so Sean being the prankster that he is, wants to make sure she can hang outside of her comfort zone. And she can, but she can't kiss him on camera due to her strict Muslim upbringing. the plot thickens! But yet she snags the rose.

Up next: the group date. And it's a Roller Derby date! This seems to be a cruel joke on poor one-armed Sarah, who doesn't have much balance (um, due to her one arm) and is in tears, close to quitting. But Amanda takes one for the team (literally) by falling on her face and possibly breaking her jaw. As she is whisked off to the hospital, Sean wisely decides to can the Derby and have a couple skate instead. And Steve Perry's "Foolish Heart" plays. Thankyoujesus. It's still in my head today. Again, thankyoujesus. After the skating (did someone "shoot the duck?" That's my signature rollerskating move.), the group moves on to the roof of the Roosevelt hotel and Tierra has (another) breakdown. She decides she has to leave, and finds Sean - with Lindsay - in bathing suits. (WHY DO THEY HAVE BATHING SUITS.) Poor Lindsay slinks back to the group in her bikini (awkward), while Tierra cries to Sean about how hard life is in the mansion. Boo freaking hoo. And what does Sean do? He rewards her behavior by giving her the rose. Robyn's dropped jaw was the same expression I had. WTF, Sean. This girl be CRAZY.

(Special props to Amanda for the best line of the night. She came back from the hospital and got a kiss on the chin from Sean. "A kiss on the chin?! I should have told him they had to take out my tonsils!" Said while closing her eyes and sticking out her tongue. Classic.)

Finally, we have the much-promoted Pretty Woman date with Leslie H. Complete with a fast car, diamond earrings, Badgley Mischka dress, shoes and purse, and a (borrowed) Neil Lane diamond earrings, it's looking to be a night of romance! Or not. Although she is adorable and a good conversationalist, Sean isn't feeling it and puts her back in the limo. We are all left wondering if she gets to keep the dress. And oh, Sean is sad. He even dramatically drops the rose from the balcony, petals falling as it lands on the ground. Groan.

At the rose ceremony, the women start to get more aggressive - with Sean and with each other. Adorable Catherine gives him a piece of paper with her lipstick pout on it, and then drags him to the driveway to really plant one on him. Robyn (who is wearing a dress that I own!) asks if he likes the taste of chocolate, then goes in for the kill. Hey-oh. And Tierra pulls off a very fake apology to Robyn and Jackie (I barely know who that is). Apparently the kiss on the chin equates to the kiss of death, because Amanda gets the boot.

Next week is TWO nights in a row?? Jesus. Ah well - bring it.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Ain't no party like a holiday office party 'cuz a holiday office party don't stop (and takes place in January)

We had our office holiday party last Thursday. Yes, a bit belated for a holiday party - but then again, it was a Black and White theme, so maybe the holiday we were celebrating was Martin Luther King Day. (or not.)

The Spazmatics were the band, and good lord I love them. I met some of them beforehand, and barely recognized them out of costume. I'm sure I still managed to come off like a total dork, though. (then again, that's how they dress...)

Due to the amazingness that is the Spazmatics (they played at Drew Barrymore's wedding, for pete's sake), I danced for literally three hours. The shoes came off after about an hour and a half, and I just roamed around barefoot the rest of the night. Got home around midnight, let the dog out, changed into my pjs, and noticed that one of my feet was caked in blood. (mine? someone else's? who knows) I assume I must have stepped on broken glass, but equally scary was that I had no idea it happened, and also had no idea where the source of the cut was. Too tired to deal with it, I rinsed off my feet and passed out.

Sign of a good office party, I have to say.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Ooh, manly. HANDYmanly.

I can't believe this is a show. But I sort of want to watch it.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Maybe that's how they spell Christmas in China

I really want a Tory Burch bag but can't afford one. So I googled "replica (aka knock-off) Tory Burch bags" and found Yes, folks: "New It Is Bag(s)". The unfortunate grammar in the title was the first sign that this site was clearly not US-based (I'm guessing China?), but there were a few more signs as well:

-the "Merry Chrstimas" banner which is still up (and spelled wrong), along with the weird anime Santa

-the amazing fact that all bags in all brands (Chanel! Versace! An unfortunately spelled Michael Korse!) were originally $368, but are now $40 each ("Save 80% off!")

-the fact that my work computer pops up a little flag whenever I go on the site, which probably means I now have a virus

I'm having the classic "angel on one shoulder, devil on the other" moment.
Devil: But the bags are only $40!
Angel: You are going to have your identity stolen if you put in your credit card information.
Devil: But the "T" logo on the Tory Burch purses looks so realistic!
Angel: This is not a legitimate site.
Devil: But....
Angel: Dear god. Don't do it.

Somehow the angel won. For now.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

This post brought to you by Kleenex.

Almost every day I laugh until I cry at work. (Or else I just cry.) Either way, I go through a lot of tissues.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

There's no need to throw yourself down the stairs. He'll take his shirt off again.

Sean is dead to me. Kicking off sweet Kacie B and keeping disasters like Tierra?? Blasphemy. Granted, I didn't understand what the hell Kacie was talking about when she said she felt caught in the middle of Amanda and Dez, but hey - we all have off nights. Poor little thing. They better let her be the next Bachelorette.

Okay, rant over. Back to the show.

We open on Sean working out shirtless (again), telling us he's really "digging" a lot of the women. Really? "Digging?" Sigh.

He takes blonde Lesley (who is extremely overdressed for this) on the first one-on-one date to...Guiness World Records on Hollywood Boulevard! Romantic, no? But apparently his father holds a world record, so now it's time to set one of his own - the longest on-screen kiss (3 minutes and 16 seconds). In front of a huge crowd. On Hollywood Boulevard. Oh the humanity. Thank god for fast-forward. But somehow they complete the task and feel closer because of it. (Um, ya think?) She gets a rose for swapping spit - AND her name in the record books.

Then it's group date time, and the ladies all look lovely in bikinis clearly given to them by the show, since they are all the same brand. After some embarassing beach time involving forcing Sean to remove his shirt, rubbing suntan lotion on him and sitting on him while he does push-ups, Chris Harrison appears and announces it's beach volleyball time! And the losing team has to go home. Oooooooh. Game on.
Sean says the game "isn't exactly pretty," which is fairly accurate, and the losers literally cry their way home while the winners douse themselves in champagne. Victory! Crazy Lindsay gets the rose after Kacie LOOKS crazy bringing up the tension between the girls.

AshLee is geared up (and again, overdressed - doesn't someone give them a heads-up on dress code?) for her one-on-one date, but all of a sudden there's a thump! and Tierra has "fallen" (or "thrown herself," more accurately) down the stairs - just in time to greet Sean as he comes to the house. Tierra gets strapped into a neck brace but starts to freak out on the gurney, saying this is ridiculous and she's fine. Sure she is - she got some sweet one-on-one time with Sean! This girl is crazy. And for some reason I bet he picks her in the end.

AshLee's date finally gets going at Six Flags Magic Mountain, which they have all to themselves - until two chronically ill teenage girls meet up with them. Oh, Sean - and he volunteers too? Almost gag-worthy how perfect they're making him look. AshLee then busts out her adoption story, which brings Sean to tears, and she gets the rose.

At the rose ceremony, he surprises one-armed Sarah with...her dog! Too adorable for words.
The girls fight for time with him - particularly Tierra, who snags him about three times - but he ends up letting Taryn (who?) and model Kristy go (as well as poor sweet Kacie).

The whole fall down the stairs was SO over-hyped by ABC - clearly there was not much else exciting going on tonight - but looks like Tierra may start to lose it next week. One can only hope.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I clearly need to step AWAY from the television.

I was watching a recent episode of Happy Endings this weekend and noticed Leslie H from the Bachelor in one of the scenes! She didn't have any lines, but it was clearly her. Maybe she acts when she's not playing poker? The scariest part is that I freaking recognized her. Sigh. Time to go outside more.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

It can't be a weekend if the week doesn't end...

If I wanted to work on Sundays, I would have been a Reverend. Just sayin'.

Grease is the word.

I watched the Glee "Grease" episode today, and it reminded me how amazeballs Grease is. (Also a fan of Grease 2 - kind of wish they would make a Grease 3 although it would probably star Bieber and derail the whole franchise.)

I had the Grease record growing up (yes, kids - the RECORD), and my friends and I would lip-sync to the songs for hours. We could recite the movie line for line - and probably still can. I did noticed how many lyrics were changed on the Glee ep - Grease was pretty racy, looking back. Of course, I didn't pick up on that until years later - those crazy musical writers. ("pussy wagon?!")

Of course, a bit harder to watch now that Travolta is kind of a weirdo, but it's still damn good entertainment.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I hope Segway doesn't sue me.

A few years ago I posted a blog about what guys should NOT do on their online dating profiles. (Please no shirtless photos or self-photos in the bathroom, etc.) I have another one to add to the list:

Please no photos of you on a Segway scooter wearing a helmet.

(However - I'm sure there is a lid for every pot. I'm just not that lid.)

Thursday, January 17, 2013

She won't come out of the closet.

My dog, that is. She loves sleeping in there so much, I put a blanket in for her to lay on. And now she REALLY won't come out. I literally had to rouse her when I went home at lunch the other day. Probably because it's carpeted; maybe because it smells like me (ew, but aw)...her doggie bed that I bought her is only used to store her billions of doggie toys. (And she would probably be just as happy with my socks.) Money well spent all around!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Fastest blowdry in the West

I pride myself on not being one of those girls who takes forever to get ready. (My complete lack of a hairstyle is proof of that.) So this morning, just for shits and giggles, I decided to time the get ready process. Exciting stuff, I know.

6:57-7:02 Shower
7:02-7:10 Makeup
7:10-7:17 Hair
7:25 Out the door

BAM. I wonder what the Guiness World Record is for this. No one was probably so tragic to even think of it. Yay me?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Land HO.

I say that because Tierra means "land" in Spanish. And because Tierra is kind of a ho.

After a weird shot of Sean in the shower (again with the abs), the dates begin! One-arm Sarah gets the first coveted one-on-one date, and clearly the producers have run out of ideas. The helicopter. (Yawn) "Free-falling" off a roof. (Which has been basically done before. A few times.) But there's more to it for poor Sarah, as she tells a very long-winded story about not being allowed to zipline due to her "disability" and she and Sean grow closer. Best first date ever, according to Sarah. She gets a rose; he gets a smooch. All is right with the world.

Next up: what could be the biggest group date in the history of the show. 13 girls?? Holy harem. And the lustiness continues with an awkward romance novel cover shoot. Kristy the Model is overjoyed. OVERJOYED. And over-annoying. She wins the competition even though blonde Lesley plants one on him, much to the dismay of the other 80 girls. Jealousy ensues, Tierra starts to show signs of double-cross, and things get even more awkward when curly-haired Katie decides this isn't for her and bolts. (The horror!) Sweet Kacie B snags the rose, moving out of the friend zone. (A difficult feat, from personal experience - atta girl!)

The last one-on-one date goes to Dez, and it's another weird one, complete with lame practical jokes (oh Sean, such a kidder!) and hot tub action. She gets herself a rose as well.

Rose ceremony time, and drunken bride Lindsay somehow shines, although I find her terrible. Robyn flat-out asks Sean about interracial dating, and he gives seriously the best answer possible. Well done sir. Once-smiley Amanda seems to be mentally unstable, as she stares sullenly ahead and doesn't speak to anyone except Sean, when the SMILE returns. The girls all hope she's a goner, but Brooke and single mom Diana are sent packing.

Next week looks like Tierra Time, complete with a possible neck injury. Let's DO this.

Monday, January 14, 2013

And the award goes to...

Love the Golden Globes. TV people mingling with movie people, and everyone boozing it up (Aziz Ansari, I'm talking to you). A few thoughts...

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler killed it. Love love love. (And Tina was SMOKIN' in that first dress! Damn girl!)

Best dress: Jessica Alba, although never sure why she gets invited to these events.

Also adorbs: The Hollywood Foreign Press lady. Nice Bradley Cooper reaction, as well.

Too tan: Lea Michele. Ugh.

So glad Argo/Ben Affleck won - and so glad I saw Silver Linings Playbook yesterday so I could totally be onboard with J.Law winning.

I do need to watch Homeland and Girls. Too bad I don't get Showtime or HBO. Guess there's always Downton Abbey (Season 2 - why did they have to add that every time?)...

Friday, January 11, 2013

Another life lesson

No matter how many times you try, your apartment swipe card will not work at the office.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I am soooo gangsta

Somehow it came up yesterday at work that I used to have my eyebrow pierced. And people just stared at me (which happened a lot when I had my eyebrow pierced, too). Like, "YOU??" "You seem so...normal!" True, but the scar remains - the piercing happened, people. Get on board.

We were living in Jackson Hole for the summer and everyone went to get tattoos (we were so wild and crazy!). Since I already had a tat (yep, called it a "tat"), I opted for the next best thing - eyebrow ring, duh. I was working at a liquor store at the time (impressive stuff, I know), and they had to figure out how to deal with an employee with a facial piercing. Oops. I also noted that mothers would shy their kids away from me on the street. I still shop at the Gap, people!

I kept in the ring when I got back to school - I was a Rush Counselor and wanted to scare the crap out of my girls. And I did - they all thought I was a Pi Phi. (wrong.) Good times had by all, but I finally decided to remove the eyebrow ring. And thankfully the hole grew back and no one is the wiser. Well, now YOU are because I just blabbed the whole story. Alas.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Friends with dogs. Or dogs with friends.

Having a dog is helping me to finally meet people in my building.  Similar to meeting parents of your child's classmates, these people own dogs who I choose to believe are Charlie's posse. (And of course I know the dogs' names, not their owners' names.) Allow me to introduce:

Mico, a very friendly Spaniel who wears stylish sweaters
Boris, a gigantic Rottweiler (seriously - he must weigh 130 pounds)
Olivia (aka "Squirrel"), a grey Scottie-ish thing
Keira Knightley (thankfully called "Kiki"), a yappy little Yorkie
Sniffles, a Morkie

It's quite a little crew.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor: "Mean-muggin'" and like 8 girls named Ashley

The premiere of Sean Lowe's Bachelor season did not disappoint. I gaped. I gawked. I fast-forwarded through the awkward parts. Let's dive in, shall we?

We're re-introduced to Sean (and his abs), and gosh if he doesn't seem almost perfect. He fell in love! He loves kids! And did I mention those abs! (NOTE: I have never heard the word "hunk" mentioned more than during this episode.) But before we meet the 26 amazing ladies vying to rub their fingers along said abs, Sean has to have a very weird mano a mano talk with his "best bud" (although they haven't seen each other in like a year), Ari. (Ari beat out Sean for Emily's affection on the Bachelorette, only to be snubbed in the end by Jef one F.) Sean and Ari discuss how to properly kiss a girl, how to break up with a girl, and how to say "will you accept this rose" with the emphasis on each syllable. Good stuff. And very random.

Bring on the ladies. I'm going to go in alphabetical order because that's how I found them on the website and so help me I can't remember their names. Except the multitude of Ashleys.

Amanda: GIGANTIC smile. Her first meeting consists of an awkward silence, which she insisted upon creating. Which made it even MORE awkward. Status: IN.

AshLee: Foster kid who likes things organized and really might have OCD. IN.

Ashley H: She kind of reminded me of a glammed up Nikki Minaj. And maybe Sean felt the same way, because she didn't get a rose. OUT.

Ashley P: The "50 Shades of Gray" chick who brought a gray tie in her cleavage. Also see: drunk. Crazy booty dancing by herself. Amazing montage as the end credits rolled. But alas, OUT.

Brooke: She was soooo silky when she met him. Then rarely seen again. IN.

Catherine: Super cute, didn't say much. IN.

Daniella: Meh. IN.

Desiree ("call me Dez"): Works at David's Bridal. Thought for sure she was the one wearing the wedding dress out of the limo - but no. It was someone else. IN.

Diana: A very old-looking "30" - which actually read 31 on the screen - mom of two. Atta girl. Hideous outfit, however. IN.

Jackie: Pulled lipstick out of her cleavage and gave him a big smooch on the cheek. (which the next chick wiped off with a tissue she pulled out of HER cleavage! What gives with stashing stuff in your cleavage??) IN.

Katie: Yoga moves. Om. IN.

Kaycie B: Yes, you read right - she's baaaaaack! And I couldn't be more excited. I freaking love her. Front-runner for me for sho.

Kelly: Overly tanned, obvious hair extensions, and bless her heart she sang him a song. (I fast-forwarded. Too embarrassed for her.) OUT.

Keri-ann: OUT. I really remember nothing about this girl except she travelled very far to meet him. Oops.

Kristy: The token model who calls herself the "best in the midwest." We'll see, Kristy. IN.

Lacey: Gave him a piece of lace to remember her by. Guess he didn't. OUT.

Lauren: Said she was joking about her Italian mafia family breaking his legs if he broke her heart, but perhaps Sean didn't think it was too farfetched: OUT.

Lesley: Miss DC political consultant. Who doesn't like geeks or politicians. Hmmm. IN.

Leslie: This girl is sassy. And a poker dealer! IN.

Lindsay: Ohhhhh Lindsay. SHE was the one who wore the wedding dress and veil. SHE was the one who kissed him on the lips (as he tried to dodge). SHE was the one who wished she was more sober. SHE was the one who made him dance their first dance. And somehow, SHE was IN. (This has to be the one the producers make him keep for the entertainment value, yes? Although she was fairly prevalent in the scenes from the rest of the season...)

Paige: She was a superfan on Bachelor Pad 3. And she is a Jumbotron operator!! As cool as that is, OUT.

Robyn: Semi-embarrassing entrance: falling on her face while backwalkover-ing over to Sean in a long evening gown. IN.

Sarah: Cute, has only one arm but we're not going to dwell on it...IN.

Selma: She reminds me of Ashley Greene. Apparently used to date Mike Napoli (!). IN.

Taryn: The first almost-breakdown of the show, she says through tears that she doesn't fight over guys. Um, does she know what show she's on?? IN.

Tierra: Got the first rose (although so did like 11 other girls, apparently). Was very excited in the pre-show interview to learn it was Sean. Including on an escalator. IN.

 So there you have it. Sean breaking the rose ceremony rules, drunk girls running around, even some tears. Not bad for episode one.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Roll, Tide

Kind of awesome that they're calling tonight's BCS Championship Game between Notre Dame and Alabama "Catholics versus Cousins." (I also saw a t-shirt that said "Protestants versus Pedophiles," but no need to go there.)

I, however, will be watching the Bachelor, aka "Sluts versus Drunks." Game on.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Can I buy another adjective?

I saw a sign on the way to work this morning that said:


Small black dog.

Now, I'm sure it's difficult to tell what kind of breed of dog it is, especially if you're not a dog person. But for some reason this description was so broad, it made me giggle. What if I was lost, and this same person found me - I'm guessing the sign would read "White blonde girl." That really helps narrow it down for my agonizing parents, doesn't it.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Watch and learn

For Christmas, I got my mom this:

And she hated it. (To be fair, I usually return 75% of the gifts she gives me, so I was due.) Of course I didn't save the receipt - that would be too responsible - so I gave her the money for it and kept the watch for myself. Which might have been my plan all along. Muah ah ah. (evil laugh)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

And we're back.

Happy new year! After two weeks off, I am actually kind of glad to be back at work. (Nothing left to watch on my DVR - the horror!) It was an interesting break - fun, travel, a little heartache...and a reminder of how awesome my friends and family (and dog!) are.

My resolution is to get my freaking finances in order (damn you, ideeli) - but if it had been to lose weight, I could have scrapped the whole year of dieting after hearing this:

Bring on the seconds! And new blog fodder in 2013. :)