Wednesday, February 29, 2012

...and the high school years

Continuing from the previous post, I bring you more amazeballs yearbook confessions:

9th grade:
"Next year we'll be sexy sophomores - don't worry, we'll both get boyfriends soon!" (um...)
"Next year will be so much better because we'll be able to drive! Yeah! (You'll be able to get rides from anyone!)" (having a late birthday BLEW)
"Even though I don't know you that well, you are a beautiful person inside and out." (seems a little contradictory...)
"Ok ok I do use you for your trampoline - but - I love your tramp it is so fun."

10th grade:
"Congrats on Form III President - good luck with our grade." (HA)
"Your stepbrother is SO hot." (wow)
"Just think, pretty soon you'll be able to drive, Come pick me up."
"Pretty soon you'll be a driving fool, too!" (I had a VERY late birthday)

11th grade:
"Thanks for the blowout - it was one of the best parties of the year!"
"Took some major balls to go to Curly's to get booze by yourself, you rebel." (You know it)
"We're seniors! We've had a lot of girls nights this year, haven't we? Next year let's add some BOYS to those nights!" (again, um...)

12th grade:
We were either too cool for school, or else I was a giant loser - because no one signed my senior yearbook. Score.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

2 good 2 be 4 gotten

Found my old yearbooks over the weekend. Aside from cringing at the ridiculous hairstyles, it cracks me up to read the notes from friends. Here, a sampling from the tween-tastic middle school years...

5th grade:
"Have a great summer!"
"Have a party hardy summer!"
"Have a great summer!" (okay, so we get the gist. Give us a break - we're only 11.)

6th grade:
"URAQT!" (clever)
"We've had our ups and downs but I hope everything works out next year." (quelle drama!)
"Hey babe you funny lookin'. See you next year." (man, 12-year-olds are tough)
"Have a great summer." (why fix it if it ain't broke)
And my personal favorite: "Have a great summer babe! Let's do something!" (how very Hollywood)

7th grade:
"Don't do track next year. Do tennis it rules and I know you'll make it."
"Our Spanish class shreds!" (totally)
"8th grade next year and we're gonna rule the (middle) school!"
"As Bart Simpson would say, 'Eat my shorts.'" (ah, 1990)
And my fave: "I hope some people grow up over the summer (you know who I mean)." (classic)

8th grade:
"Have a cool summer and stay awesome." (I try)
"Student Council '91 sucked the big one. Hey, that rhymed."
"Remember the bomb threat? This year rocked!" (?!?!)
"Have an awesome summer scoping out the hot babes."
"Science was a blast - I get all my answers from you. Never change your seat or I'll fail!"

Ahhh good times. Up next: HIGH SCHOOL. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

This episode of the Bachelor sponsored by James Cameron

Is it sad that the best part of last night's two-hour episode for me was the preview for Titanic: 3D? And what the hell with former bachelorettes and newly appointed bachelorette Emily going to WATCH Titanic: 3D? Hellooooo product placement. (Yet I remain excited and will no doubt be seeing this in the theater in April. Since I saw it no less than 6 times in the theater back in 1998. What's one or four more times.)

But back to the show. A few additional questions arose for me during this Swiss cheese-fest (see what I did there?):

Why do they ALL say "I wish you the best"?? No they don't. They wish Ben chose them. Which would be the best.

Why must we suffer through the super-cliched metaphors that the producers pepper throughout the show? "Our love is soaring to new heights" as they fly over the Alps in the 100th helicopter of the season. "Love could take you over the edge" as they "rapel" down a mountain. (I'm sorry - I have only been rapelling a few times, but I don't think it counts if you just hang there and let the poor guide lower you down.)

And why did poor country bumpkin Kacie go all the way to Switzerland (on ABC's dime - smart girl) just to hear WHY Ben dumped her? Yeesh. A double dump. Harsh, even for a 24-yr-old. And then she proceeded to warn him again about Courtney, which of course meant he would pick her to go to the finale. And then Kacie lay down in the hotel hallway. Which was probably my favorite part of the night (aside from the Titanic preview, duh).

Next week: everyone's favorite, the Women Tell All. Should be a doozy.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Jack it up

I enjoy watching Say Yes to the Dress, which follows soon-to-be brides around Kleinfelds, dodging mean comments from their mothers and trying on a plethora of frothy white gowns. And now there's a spin-off: Say Yes to the Dress - Atlanta, which is even more amusing. Particularly that most of the brides-to-be are around 21 years old. Way to keep the stereotype going, Deep South! But the best part comes when the bride is still torn about the dress she has on (aka hasn't said "yes" to it yet), so the managers decide it's time to "jack her up." Meaning put up her hair, loan out some jewelry, and slap on a veil to complete the ensemble. Cue crying bride, crying mom, and a secret high-five and dollar signs for eyeballs on the managers. Ka-ching! Getting "jacked up" works its magic again.

Girlyman. Emphasis on the girly.

Was driving back from the gym this morning and passed a possum (opossum??) just hanging out on the side of the road. And even though I was safely ensconced in my car, I still let out a shriek and almost got into an accident. And minutes later I was still getting an occasional heebie jeebie shudder. I'm such a girl.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Sometimes rush hour traffic isn't so bad

Like yesterday afternoon, when this guy was in the lane next to me:

What can I say. The weinermobile makes me smile. That's what she said.

oh no she didn't

Paris Hilton has come out with a new song. And it's so bad, it makes me miss her last single. Seriously. My ears are bleeding.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Again, a little late on this, but...

...I am officially obsessed with Sophia Grace and Rosie. These two little British girls are on Ellen practically once a week now, and it all began with this YouTube video:

Personally, I prefer Rosie, the silent blonde back-up dancer. She cracks me up.
But maybe it's just little kids with British accents in general that get me. If I ever have one, I might just raise him British. Cheers, mate.

One more round:

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

We think mighty highly of ourselves, don't we

I saw a commercial for the new Reese Witherspoon movie over the weekend, and it was touted as "The Best Comedy of the Year!" Now, I love me some Reese, but really? Of the YEAR?! It's only February. There are a lot of comedies still to come. Most of which will be better than "This Means War." Although maybe that's how they spin it - the best comedy so FAR this year. And "the best comedy of the past 7 weeks" doesn't have as much oomph to it. (And still probably isn't true.)

Same goes for saying "it's the #1 comedy!" But what they don't say is that there are four dramas, a foreign film, and a Harry Potter movie ahead of it in the ratings. Still, technically the #1 comedy. Sneaky bastards.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Mysterious Case of Ben's Disappearing Forehead

Ah, the infamous hometown date episode of the Bachelor. I really didn't pay much attention, primarily because I couldn't stop staring at Ben's mop of hair that has now grown so much that he has like an inch of forehead left. But I will try to remember something...

Lindzi - aka horse girl
Good grief with all the horses. We get it. You and your family are horse people. (Unfortunate that her dad is named Harry Cox, but I will try to sidestep that one.) Nothing too interesting about this visit. You know, aside from the horses.

Kacie B - baton twirler extraordinaire
Bless her little southern heart. Of course she would show up twirling the baton again. But sadly Kacie's southern parents with their good southern values did her in, and she got the boot. Ben wants parents-in-law who drink, dammit. And he wants to live in sin! Her limo off into the sunset brought the ugly cry, but she DID get to bust out WTF?! a few times, which was awesome. And something tells me Kacie will be just fine. And she's what - all of 24 years old?

Nicki - she's Texan, y'all
I appreciate a cowboy hat and boots as much as the next girl, but must we ALWAYS stereotype people in Texas with this stuff? And of course the longhorns wandering through the Stockyards. But whatever. I will say the editing of this date was weird: her outfits went from stripes to sequins and back to stripes. (And yes, that's how boring this is. Her shirts caught my attention.)

Ah, Courtney.
Her family was freakishly...normal. At least, to have raised the spawn of Satan. Her sister DID look a lot like Khloe Kardashian, though. Interesting. The most bizarro part of the date was the elaborate wedding Courtney set up to tell Ben she loved him. Complete with a minister, bow tie and vows - wouldn't any NORMAL guy run screaming in the other direction?? Plus, I totally thought she would tell the camera afterwards that they really WERE married. Wouldn't put it past her.

And now the remaining three (un)lucky ladies get to jet off to freaking Switzerland, where according to the promos I feel a "The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music" scene coming on. Yesssssss.

Friday, February 17, 2012

And the Most Obvious Headline Ever award goes to...

I love this so much.

Crack is whack, but RIP anyway

Tomorrow is Whitney Houston's funeral - so sad that it had to take her death to get her name mentioned in the media again - every night on the news (okay, on E! News), magazine covers, iTunes...reminds me of when Michael Jackson died. Like "oh, yeah - those were some good jams." I have totally bought into the hype, making a Whitney Memorial Mix which is now in constant rotation in my car. I was surprised how few songs of hers I had, so of course I purchased a few more to complete the list. Including the Star Spangled Banner. (What?)

I remember in the 80s, a friend of my mom's had a daughter named Whitney, and I was SO jealous because we would play the tape (titled "Whitney") and I wished I had the same name, too. (Of course, a year later I would wish my name was Tiffany, and she ended up being in Playboy, so there you go.)

And the song "I Will Always Love You" reminds me of high school. I must have put that on almost every mixed tape I created. And now, all these years later, it's back - on a mixed CD. Full circle, baby. Maybe I should add a little "My Prerogative" just because.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

"Conversation" starters

We had a belated Valentine's happy hour at work last night, and I bought a bunch of candy conversation hearts. After perusing a few of them, I started to wonder if I had accidentally purchased an R-rated batch. Messages included:

Jump me

1 on 1

Play time

Reach 4 it

Go go go

Ummmm. And then there were the "hip" messages:

Text me

Friend me

Page me (which, in all honesty, isn't hip anymore)

Tweet me

Yeesh. What happened to the classics?

Be mine

U R Cute


I should just get a batch that says:

U R Old

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter Cereal, please

For some reason I've been thinking about the amazing cereals of the 80s lately. Whatever happened to:

Count Chocula
Cookie Crisp
Honey Smacks
Alpha Bits
Cocoa Krispies
Fruity Pebbles

Wow - just looking at this list, no WONDER they don't sell this crap anymore. Still - a heaping bowl of Cookie Crisp sounds pretty good right about now.

For more awesome 80s cereals, check this out:

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

How did they know?

Totally sent this to myself. Busted.

The Courtney Conundrum

I know I ask this every week, but seriously. What is the DEAL with Courtney?! I'm disgusted by her and want to bitch slap her, while at the same time kind of want to take notes because obviously whatever she's doing works on landing a dude. Or maybe it's just that Ben is a complete tool and it works on HIM. I prefer to go with option B, but she does make a case for being sexy and then kind of moping and making him work for it. Doubt I could do that myself, but I'm no model. Which I'm sure she would tell you.

Rachel's nose piercing was new, no? Couldn't stop staring at it.

And is this the Bachelor or Fear Factor? Obviously the ABC producers asked each girl what their biggest fear was (heights! sharks!), and BAM! That's the theme of your date. Good luck, ladies. Again proving how boring Ben is - I remember no other season where the girls were truly in danger. Nicely done.

And now all the blondes are gone. Sniff. I'm getting double highlights this weekend just to make up for it.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

to and fro

stuck in the salt lake city airport, trying to get back to dallas after a weekend in vegas. figured i might as well blog. (it was that or convert to mormonism.)

there is quite a difference between the flight to vegas and the flight from vegas. getting there, everyone on the plane is in party mode: high-fiving, bachelorette party planning, and oh yes, boozing.

and on the way back? a much more somber crowd, many wearing a combination of sunglasses/sweatpants/pajamas. lots of sleeping. and oh yes, boozing.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Probably no coincidence that V-Day rhymes with D-Day.

It looks like Valentine's Day threw up at Kroger. Seriously - I walked in and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Balloons. Flowers. Stuffed animals with "I Wuv You" written on them. If marketers were smart, they would put this crap in between the ice cream aisle and the wine aisle - for those of us who are not practicing V-Day this year. I could easily say "I Wuv You" to a bottle of Pinot. Just sayin'.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

VEGAS, baby

Off to Sin City for a weekend with the girls. Okay, the ladies. All of whom are married with kids except for me. Why do I envision that they are going to get butt-wild, starting with drinks on the plane, and I'm going to be the one trying to rein everybody in? Eh, screw it. It's Vegas, baby!

Oh, and pretty much everything in my suitcase looks like something Michael Jackson would wear. Hell - if you can't wear sequins in Vegas (in the daytime), when CAN you.

Here's hoping I win big in the nickel slots - mama needs a new pair of shoes! Actually, mama owes a redonkulous amount to the IRS (screwed up on the ol' tax returns - damn you, Uncle Sam), so maybe a little luck will come my way. Or at least a wealthy high roller who wants to treat us to dinner. Again, screw it. It's Vegas, baby!!

It's a small world after all. (And one that uses email.)

Working for a global company, it trips me out to receive out of office replies from around the globe. I try to teach myself how to say "thank you for your email" - and apparently the word "email" is universal - in each of the languages, complete with a different voice for each one. (Which annoys my co-workers to no end.)

Some of my favorites:

From Italy: "Buongiorno e grazie per la sua e-mail."

From Germany: "Vielen Dank für Ihre E-Mail."

From France: "Merci pour votre e-mail."

Seriously can't get enough.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

An ACC girl stuck in a Big 12 world

It's tough being a UNC fan in Texas.

1. No one else gives a hoot.
2. Stores that sell cute sports team paraphernalia only cater to schools around here: UT. A&M. TTU. SMU. OU. Grrrr.
3. College basketball is trumped by college football (and pretty much everything else) - time to purchase ESPNU.
4. I say "UNC" and they hear "UNT."
5. We had to find a new Carolina bar because it was overrun by Kansas people. Freaking Kansas.

But there are still quite a few Tar Heel alums in the 214/972, and we'll be loud and proud tonight facing our archnemesis, Dook.

Go to hell, Dook. Love, Texas.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Carson > Ben

I can't devote an entire blog post to the Bachelor. Last night's episode was such a beat-down, it really doesn't deserve my time. But of course I watched it. And it was like being transported back to middle school. From the body paint tattoo of "C + B = love" to Blakely's super sad little collage which ultimately spelled her doom - seriously, ladies?? Poor form. And Jamie's last-ditch effort to seduce Ben, straddling him and almost ripping her dress and then the weird instructional kissing techniques which were so cringe-worthy that they forced me to fast-forward? Ouch. And of course Casey S who got talked into leaving because she wasn't over her ex - way to be the instigator and simultaneously the shoulder to cry on, Chris Harrison. Ben sucks.

But I do love me some Carson Daly, preferably old-school, slightly chubby Carson Daly. I watched the Top 40 TRL Moments on vh1 yesterday - ahhhh memories. Loved me some TRL back in the late 90s. Britney back when she was so cute and not crazy, Mariah Carey's striptease when she WAS crazy, and sweet little baby Justin Timberlake when he still had the unfortunate blond afro in NSYNC. Kind of weird that this was all before the dawn of Facebook and Twitter - people went on TRL to spread the word. And to hold up posters in Times Square like a bunch of morons.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Be vewy vewy quiet

There is an adorable little man who is the bagger at my grocery store. Every Sunday morning when I go, he's there. And I look forward to seeing him every week. His name is Barton. He is in his 60s, maybe 70s. And he has some sort of speech impediment that kind of makes him sound like Elmer Fudd. He always explains that he put the "bewwies" on top, along with other "cwushables" so they won't be, well, cwushed. And then he always asks if he can help me to my car, and of course I say no because he's old and it's cold and that's just mean. But then I realized he could get a tip that way, so I think next week I'll just give him cash. And make him stay inside so he doesn't fweeze to death.

Too American for my own good.

We hit up a bar yesterday afternoon for the Super Bowl, and immediately two men (yes, they were older. Definitely "men," not "boys") approached my friend. She is very pretty and exotic looking, with curly dark hair that guys literally come up and touch. It happens every time we go out. Anywho, one guy tells her that they have placed bets - not on the game, but on her ethnicity. Italian? No. Greek? No. Hispanic? No. (Part of her family is actually from India.) So then the other guy turns to me, looking super blonde and boring, and says, "And you're from Dallas, aren't you?" Sigh. Yes, yes I am. And no one asks to touch MY hair.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Ah, global warming

Hard to believe last year at this time I had been iced into my apartment for three days. And now it's like 72 and I'm hoping to get some sun this weekend. Way to go, (depleting) ozone layer.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Happy Groundhog Day

(No offense to those who live in Punxsutawney. They probably take enough abuse as it is.)

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Feathered friends, my a**

Finally washed my car on Saturday. For the first time this year. (Seriously.) And then went to the gym. Where my poor clean car was brutally attacked by a bird with the runs. So gross. And now I have to wash the damn thing all over again. Sigh.

If I had a morning radio show...

...I would call it Morning Wood.

Now, I'm sure there already IS a show with this name. I'm not such an egomaniac to think that I'm the only person to come up with this GENIUS idea. And to whoever already thought of it, I tip my hat to you, sir.