Was a bit behind, but finally finished the last episode of Handmaid's Tale the other night. And OH. MY. GOD. I am so obsessed. We read this in high school and I was obsessed back then - remember using it in several college essays - but watching the show made me want to re-read it. And wait (im)patiently for season 2.
Also, already looking for a Handmaid's costume for Halloween. Comfy with a message. Doesn't get better than that.
Rachel is having a rough time. She just got rid of DeMario (again), and now has to deal with guy drama thanks to Lee and Kenny. I will admit that Lee is super creepy and annoying, literally giving Kenny 16 seconds to talk to her and standing right in front of them while they tried to carry on a normal conversation. He likes to pick fights with the other guys, particularly the black guys - and since recent tweets have proven racist, I guess that's his M.O. Awesome.
After a brief (and very real, making me love her more) cry, Rachel pulls herself together enough to kick off Diggy, Bryce and some other guy. The rest are headed to Hilton Head!
Dean gets the first one-on-one date, and they go up in the blimp. She takes the wheel, he is super nervous, but they kiss and the blimp floats past the guys' hotel and flashes "Rachel and Dean 4evah" to make everyone jealous. At dinner, she hopes he will open up a bit and asks about his family. His mother died of breast cancer when he was 15, and he was basically on his own after that. He cries, she tries not to, and instead gives him the rose. They then "stumble upon" a concert by some guy I've never heard of.
The group date is a huge bunch - everyone but Jack who will get the second one-on-one. They are on a boat (cue the music), and with Rachel rocking the captain's hat, limbo and rap contests, it's quite the booze cruise. Peter even jumps into the rap game, impressing her with his white boy skillz - although I'm not sure mentioning farting is very "street." After the boat, there's another test: a spelling bee. Now, some of the words were legit difficult: boutonniere (which took me about four tries, not gonna lie), etc. But words like stunning? Boudoir? Façade? Coitus? (Yes, that was a word. And no, the guy did not get it right.) Come on fellas. Josiah wins on "polyamorous," but by this point he is working the crowd and taking entirely too long and I'm over it.
I also had to giggle when the "champion" received this trophy:
Lee told Rachel Kenny was the aggressor; Kenny said he didn't handle the situation well but Lee was very disingenuous. Let's just put them both in the ring and let them duke it out, shall we?
So I bought my first item off one of those online garage sales this weekend. And it was certainly an adventure. First of all, the woman posted in the North Dallas group and said she lived in north Dallas. She did not - lived closer to me, in an equally bad area of town. I asked if 1pm on Saturday would work, she said she was free all weekend so that was fine. She messaged me around 10am to confirm, and I said yes, 1pm. I decided to bring my mom with me, just in case, and I'm glad I did. Initially we were waiting in her apartment complex parking lot, but after seeing one sign that said all residents had to be indoors by 10pm, and another that said "no bare skin, no sagging," we opted to go across the street and wait in a shopping center parking lot. We were the only white people there, so were getting some weird stares, but whatever.
I messaged her around 5 til 1 that we were running 10 minutes late, and she said that was fine, as she was heading back from Forney. Um, Forney is not close. She didn't end up arriving until 2pm. ONE HOUR after the time we had arranged. I did end up buying the item (for $40 less than she was asking), but MAN. Being a novice, I have to wonder if this is normal? (I'm sure if you're in the Highland Park one, it's much more of a streamlined experience, but I can't get in that one...)
My dad runs this non-profit where they go to army bases and teach tennis to the families living there. Some of his old pro buddies come, and it's a pretty neat deal. Even cooler: this year, they are doing their first event at a naval base, and the tennis lessons will happen on the deck of a freaking air craft carrier!
Kind of like this, but cooler.
My one question: will the ballboys be in scuba gear?
People who borrow stuff and never bring it back annoy the crap out of me. We have a cart outside of our office that clearly says "Property of Internal Communications." Anyone is free to use it, just give us the courtesy of letting us know. But it disappeared for a week and was found locked in some random closet. And now, our cooler is gone. Again, just ASK people. Otherwise we're going to have to start bolting things to the floor.
Started watching Bachelor Party for the first time this weekend. Not sure why I never saw it back in the day (although it's fairly racy for a then 8-year-old), and not sure why I randomly decided to watch it now. But Tawny Kitaen?? That was a surprise. Didn't know she could do anything aside from writhe on the hood of a car. Atta girl.
Bonus: the movie is so very 80s. Which makes everything more fun.
No Bachelorette last night, so I will instead focus my rant on DeMario and Corinne, whose behavior has apparently halted production on my treasured summer trash TV show, Bachelor in Paradise. How dare you. I say again, how dare you. I mean, what else am I going to do this summer - go outside???
Didn't think I was going to want to see Wonder Woman - not a huge comic book movie fan - but went yesterday and she's a total bad-ass. (And looks stunning doing it.) Some cheesy lines/moments, but all in all an excellent girl power movie.
Went to see a Chicago cover band last night. They were NOT good. Now, Peter Cetera has a voice that is hard to replicate. I get it. But man. we made it through the first set and I couldn't take a butchering of "You're the Inspiration," so we left. Not a "Hard Habit to Break," as it turns out. We could "Look Away." (Okay, I'm done. Plus I don't know any more Chicago songs.)
Being (temporarily and voluntarily) gluten free is a real pain in the ass sometimes. Like tonight - going to this Italian restaurant that is supposed to be awesome, and basically the entire menu is pizza and pasta (um, obvi). I called to see if anything could be made GF, and the answer was "not much." So everyone else will be digging into a delicious pizza and I'll be over there with my little salad (and no breadsticks), like "hey."
We took communion in church on Sunday, and I couldn't even partake in that. #sorrygod
Another week, another few reasons to love Rachel Lindsay more.
She sends DeMario packing, even after he pleads with a "joy and pain" speech about wanting to move forward. She tells him he should move forward - right off the property. BURN! #boybye
Whaboom tells Rachel that Blake stands over him at night while he sleeps, licking a banana. Although Blake denies this, Rachel realizes both of these doofuses are, well, doofuses, and sends them packing. Which leads to the girliest catfight I have ever seen between two men. Neither of them will be getting laid for a while, methinks.
Another one who won't be getting laid but is somehow still around is the tickle monster, Jonathan - who busts out these babies (as modeled by Chris Harrison):
Seriously. He uses this while chatting with Rachel. I would say #facepalm but you could really hurt yourself.
Ready for a fresh start, it's time for a group date with Bryan, Jonathan, Alex, Peter, Will and Fred - on the Ellen show, of course! Ellen makes the guys take their shirts off and give lap dances to the women in the audience - including grandmothers. Alex the Russian makes a good impression, both dancing and playing Never Have I Ever, where three guys admit to kissing Rachel and the other three are left feeling stupid. One of these is poor Fred, who can't seem to break out of the "bad kid at camp" memory for Rachel. So he asks if he can kiss her, and while she rolls her eyes at the awkwardness of that, he goes for it. He is thrilled with the result; Rachel, not so much. She escorts him right out of the building to the exit limo and instead gives the group date rose to Alex. Da!
Anthony gets the one-on-one date, and it involves riding horses down Rodeo Drive. Into stores, on horseback. Of course the horses poop in the stores because that's what they do, but Rachel and Anthony laugh it off and enjoy their new boots and hats and "too glam to give a damn" shirts. #productplug At dinner, Anthony talks about his parents and how he wants to be a good father, and Rachel wants to know more. He gets the rose.
At home, Eric is freaking out a bit, telling everyone he doesn't know how Rachel feels and maybe she's playing a game until she gets what she wants. He's just going to ask her. Iggy tries to calm him down but just gets yelled at. Eric is happy to know he's on the next group date (Iggy is not), along with Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee and Jack. Rachel's posse from Nick's season is back (Corinne, Jasmine, Alexis and Raven), to give her the dirt on who's here for the right reasons. They hear from Bryce and Lee that Eric isn't, but before they can convey the news the guys have to mud wrestle. In front of a huge crowd of rowdy women. Yeah, role reversal!! The guys once again doff their shirts and hit the mud, and after a closely fought finale, Bryce beats Kenny.
Eric manages to get his coveted time with Rachel and asks about her feelings, She reassures him by giving him the group date rose.
But Rachel later tells Eric what Bryce and Lee said, leading him to blow up and deny ever saying anything. Lee thinks Eric needs to know more about life, having never been in love, but Eric doesn't agree. The fight escalates and we're hit with a To Be Continued...
I don't know why this Paris Climate Accord business has my panties in a bunch, but it does. I mean, every day there's something new and jaw-dropping (how exhausted must reporters be from the daily "breaking news!"??), but this is a new low. And so late last night when I couldn't sleep I decided to let the leaders know how I felt. Via angry tweets, of course. I tweeted Trump, Melania, Ted Cruz and John Cornyn. I know they won't read them, but somehow it made me feel better, like I was doing something. You're welcome, world.
You know how I was afraid of getting kicked out of the club for bringing my obnoxious float? Well, it was almost for another reason. I hopped into the pool on Monday and my bikini bottoms came down. I am fairly certain a man behind me saw. I quickly pulled them up and swam to the other side. A man over there looked down at me, and I realized a boob had popped out of my top. So a few lessons learned:
1. Be thankful I decided not to go down the slide
2. Wear a one-piece next time
3. You're welcome, fellas
In this episode, I grew to love Rachel even more.
1. She brought her dog on a date. And that dog had a broken leg.
2. She told a suitor "I'm going to need you to get the fuck out" when his ex/current girlfriend showed up. YAS queen.
But first, some dates. The first group date puts the guys through an obstacle course to see who is "husband material." Some of these obstacles include changing a baby (doll, thank god), putting on a baby bjorn, vaccuming and washing dishes. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are apparently big fans of the show and help facilitate this dumb challenge. And speaking of dumb, Whaboom Lucas wins. He asks Ashton to give him a "whaboom" and Ashton refuses. Thank you sir. Later that evening, Rachel isn't getting a romantical vibe from any of the guys. (No! Jack Stone!) At least, until Dean comes in, blue eyes blazing. She admits to being a little miffed that he beat her to the punch on getting to use "once you go black, you'll never go back," but they laugh and her faith is restored. Whaboom presents her with a nice poem, but Blake apparently lives with Whaboom's ex (and is currently evicting her?), so tells the guys and Rachel that he's not here for the right reasons. He wants Whaboom to be a thing (stop trying to make Fetch happen), and just wants to be on TV. (Um, don't they all??) He even tells Whaboom that he threw him under the bus, and it leads to an annoying white boy fight. Kenny excuses himself at this point and talks to Rachel about his 10-year-old daughter. She is intrigued. But Dean gets the group rose and walks her to her car, where he finally mans up and kisses her - red lipstick be damned.
Peter - he of the matching gap-toothed smile - gets the first one-on-one date, and they jet off to Palm Springs with Rachel's dog Copper in tow. Barkfest looks like the most fun - dogs in the pool, photo booths, dog treats, the works. Peter charms both Rachel and Copper, and they later find a commonality in both having gone to therapy to get better at relationships. He gets the rose, she gets a kiss - and poor Copper gets traumatized by fireworks.
The last group date is a basketball date - featuring Kareem Abdul Jabbar! The black guys are psyched, the white guys are mortified - but everyone is a good sport and even in front of a packed house they have a decent game. (Involving many MANY air balls.) DeMario's team comes up short, but he impresses Rachel with his athleticism. After the game, people hang around to take photos with the Bachelorette. Including Lexi, who identifies herself as DeMario's girlfriend of 7 months. Like current girlfriend. She says he disappeared for a few days and then she saw him on the Behind the Rose special, proposing to Rachel. He still has keys to her house, dammit! Floored, Rachel goes into the locker room and gets DM. All the other guys think this is good news, that he's getting the rose. But no. This is not good news. He sees Lexi and literally says "oooh hey, who is this?" Like "new phone, who dis?" When you know EXACTLY who dis is. Lexi goes off on him and Rachel tries to get his side of the story. The problem: his story keeps changing. He met Lexi a "few times" ago. Then they dated for a few months but he broke up with her in person. Then he doesn't have her keys. Then he mailed her keys back to her. But ooh Lexi has been screenshotting the convos, dude. You are busted. I mean clearly Lexi is crazy. But DM is caught between a rock and a crazy place. And Rachel ain't having it. She sends him home. BOOM.
She breaks the news to the other guys, who are in shock, but man up and show how they handle adversity and how protective they are of her. Group date rose goes to Josiah.
At the cocktail party, DeMario resurfaces and wants to talk to Rachel again because "stuff broke down" and his character was assassinated. Um, alrighty. Chris Harrison tells her it's her choice if she wants to see him. She wants to hear his lame excuse. But first, the rest of the guys empty onto the driveway to protect her honor. TO BE CONTINUED
So yesterday at work I was still thinking about the NKOTB concert, and decided to watch some old videos on youtube. (Greatness, btw). Then the NKOTB Behind the Music popped up, so I watched that. And THEN I had to watch the Guns N Roses Behind the Music. Which makes me realize two things:
1. I miss Behind the Music.
2. I need to find more work to do.
Last night was fairly awesome. Boyz II Men sounded amazing as ever, Paula Abdul looked amazing as ever (let's be honest, she's not singing), and NKOTB was a great blast from the past. I'm sorry - Jordan Knight is still a total hottie. Is he married? (Because if not, you call me Jordan.)
Well, it's back. And Rachel Lindsay may be my favorite bachelorette of all time. Maybe because she's over 30, maybe because she's smart (see you later, litigator) and is actually going back to work (!), maybe because she's a hometown girl - whatever, she's a badass. Not sure why she had to announce that she's engaged before the show even started, but I guess we're happy for her?
Corinne makes a brief appearance, along with Dolphin Shark, Jasmine, Whitney, Raven and Astrid from Nick's season. They all love being on camera Rachel and are here for her sloppy seconds whenever she needs them. We learn Rachel prefers Michael Jackson to Prince, and NYSNC to BSB. (Told ya she's awesome)
Let's dig in to the important stuff - the dudes vying for her affections.
Peter: cute, from Wisconsin, hopes she won't hold that against him (since that's where Nick is from). They have matching gap-toothed smiles. I am glad he doesn't mention that to her. Rose.
Josiah: prosecutor whose brother hung himself at a young age due to being bullied for being overweight. Josiah acted out, got arrested at 12 and then turned his life around. A contender here folks, but he knows it. A tad overly confident. Rose.
Bryan: Spanish-speaking, French-kissing chiropractor from Miami who gets the first impression rose. My first impression is his kissing style is scary. Rose.
Kenny, aka "Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King" the wrestler: has a 10-year-old daughter and knows a thing or two about "rings." (Get it?) Rose.
Rob: law student who has a draft card made with Rachel's picture on it. No rose.
Iggy: Not sure if he's Hispanic or Native American, but he is "genuinely and authentically happy to be there." Rose.
Bryce: Firefighter who literally sweeps her off her feet. Rose.
Will: Does an awkward Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle bit. Rose.
Diggy: A front-runner for me, maybe just because I "dig" his style. He has like 500 pairs of sneakers, folks. Rose.
Kyle: says he wants to shoe Rachel his buns and busts out a basket of bread. No rose.
Blake K: Personal trainer who talks an awful lot about sex and his penis size. Methinks he doth protest too much. No rose.
Brady: brings in a block of ice and a sledgehammer, a la Frozen, to "break the ice." Hey-oh! Rose.
Dean: trying to recover from saying "I'm ready to go black and never go back" on national TV. Rose.
Eric: don't remember much about him except he wore a tan suit. Rose.
DeMario: possibly not here for the "right reasons" and is super confident. Rose.
Blake E: comes with his own marching band. Rose.
Fred: apparently Rachel was Fred's camp counselor back in the day, and it did not go well. Rose.
Jonathan: Lists his job as "tickle monster." Enough said. Rose.
Lee: the token singer/songwriter who jumps out of the limo strumming his guitar. Rose.
Alex: vacuums. Not sure why. Rose.
Milton: purrs. Not sure why. No rose.
Adam: brings along "Adam Jr.", a very creepy doll who speaks French and who disgusts Rachel. Rose (for Adam, not AJ)
Matt: dressed as a penguin. Because they mate for life. I personally feel he is a better match for Dolphin/Shark. Rose.
Grant: arrives via ambulance to save the day. No rose. (cue flatline......)
Anthony: no clue who this is. Rose.
Jamey: no clue who this is. Rose.
Jack Stone: not sure why we need his last name, but this fellow Dallasite lawyer is HOT. Rose.
Mohit: Bollywood dancer who gets wasted. No rose.
Jedidiah: surgeon in a vest. No rose.
Michael: no clue who this is. No rose.
Lucas: Whaboom guy. This is his job, this is his catchphrase, this is on his tank top. This makes no sense and he is 100% cringe-worthy. Which is why producers will be keeping him around. Rose.
Went to this "Americana" concert at my church last night - the best part was when the orchestra played each of the armed forces fight songs, and they encouraged any vets to stand during their respective song so we could "salute" them and wave little American flags. So many little old men (and a few ladies!!) stood up, most knew the songs by heart, and it was just about the sweetest thing ever. Greatest generation, indeed.
So my mom has been back in Dallas for 6 months (but who's counting), and is already dating someone. Granted, it's her high school boyfriend (Hillcrest class of '69!), so there's history there, but still. I have been here forever and nada. And my across-the-street neighbors reunited at their 50-year reunion and have been married for several years. So you're saying there's a chance. In like 25 years. I won't hold my breath I guess.
So excited - I'm going to Chicago for the first time this summer to see Hamilton (!!!) for my 40th. We're also going to Second City, and I'm sure there will be some typical Chi-town touristy additions (the bean! deep dish pizza! sky deck! etc.). Because you know. We ARE tourists. And dare I say I'm flying United. (Hey - nobody's perfect.)
Went to the "world famous" gospel brunch at House of Blues with my mom yesterday for Mother's Day. The gospel part was great; the brunch part, not so much. First of all, it normally costs $75 per person. (I bought a Groupon for $30 per person, thank goodness.) We initially got sat in the middle of a table on the far right, sitting across from each other with my back to the stage. This did NOT sit well with my mom, who huffed and rolled her eyes enough that one of the servers showed us to a little table for two which was perfect. And the food wasn't all that great, either. Now granted, I wasn't expecting there to be a lot of gluten free options. But maybe some yogurt or something? $30 bought me grapes, honeydew and a few veggies. Although I guess you're paying for the show. And that was worth it. My mom didn't go up on stage, but lots of moms did - and they even took the mic and sang! Good lord. Literally.
I'm sure I have mentioned before my love of cover bands/tribute bands. One of the best? Who's Bad. Saw them on a whim at the House of Blues many years ago, and they have blown up since then and I've tried to see them whenever they come to town. (Bonus: they're from Chapel Hill!)
How do I love them? Let me count the ways...
Not just one, but TWO Michaels
Beat It gang fight/dance
Man in the Mirror finale
I mean. It's just so great. I do wonder if you would get tired of playing MJ night after night, year after year - but I guess if you're in a tribute band, you have to really commit to the role.
My company has a volunteer month in June where the company pays for employees to take a half-day and volunteer in their local communities. I oversee this program globally, and am very involved in the planning for the Dallas office. We try to hit all the "hot-button" issues - kids, animals, the environment, vets, the elderly, the homeless, etc. One of our events is taking place at a VA hospital, and they want us to paint outdoor furniture and help with some landscaping. No biggie, right? Wrong. They have asked us to bring 4 yards of top soil. Which equals about 75 bags. Um, what? As if I have the arm strength or the trunk space for that kind of haul. Wondering if we're getting a little taken advantage of here - we'll only be there for three hours! I think the outdoor furniture painting is plenty. Sheesh.
I just bought this card game called Trumped Up Cards - it's like a Donald Trump version of Cards Against Humanity (apropos, no?). The whole thing is so tongue in cheek it's great. From the cover of the box that says "World's Biggest Deck" to the "wall" that is printed on the back of the instructions to the two ways to win: "Big League" where you spell out the words VOTE (unless the others can spell out VETO, haha), or "Lightweight," where everyone just starts quietly crying because Trump is the president, so game over.
Plus, all proceeds go to charities that are getting defunded. #brilliant
Whoa that was close. I sent an email to my co-worker about our Derby Day hat contest we had on Friday, asking her to glance it over before I sent it to the entire office. She said everything looked great, so I was gearing up to send and noticed that the subject of the email said "Derby Day HATE contest!" Thank god I happened to notice that. It's all fun and games until I send out a hate-filled email.
I had several dreams last night involving "pre-existing conditions." Clearly I'm watching the news too much. Bring back the puffy clouds and unicorns.
Also: regarding "Dreamweaver," anyone remember this program? Does it even still exist? I had to make my very first website on Dreamweaver in grad school. (Yes, I am old.) The subject of said website? Britney Spears. Sigh.
Well, about two months to 40 and I found wrinkles. Note: I already HAD wrinkles. But I found NEW wrinkles. These are like folds of skin by my ears. Which would take like a backwards face lift to remove, I assume. Check it:
See that?? Right to the right of my earring?? Ew. Guess I better start getting used to this. Sigh.
Not sure what's more unbelievable: that there is still a "rice cakes" section of the grocery store (like literally it's printed on the sign), or that I am currently eating one. Go gluten free, people. It's a good time for everyone.
I bought an Echo Dot a few weeks ago, and I'm semi-obsessed with it. Particularly with "talking" to Alexa. She tells jokes. She gives advice. She warns about traffic. She plays my fave 80s tunes. (And that's all I've discovered thus far - I'm sure there's lots more she is capable of.)
It's like a 2000s version of My Buddy/Kid Sister. Which were truly terrifying to look at:
OMG how good is The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu?? I was in love with this book in high school, but I'm embarrassed to admit I had kind of forgotten what it was about. Well, now I want to read it all over again. Obsessed. And horrified. But mostly obsessed.
I went on the Express website yesterday because it has been YEARS since I've shopped there and I wanted to see what I was missing. Clearly, I was missing a hangover. Here is just a sampling of t-shirts for sale:
Every. Single. One mentions alcohol. Now, I'm no prude - I enjoy a mimosa as much as the next gal. But this seems a bit excessive and offensive. All we're good at is drinking? Hey, girls - here's an idea: put down the bottle and get a job. #generationgap #backtotalbots
Watched Parenthood last night. The movie from the 80s, not the recent TV series it was based on. Both were excellent; but man the movie brings back such fond memories (particularly because I can quote most of it by heart). And scenes like this crack me up, mostly because my brother used to run around with a bucket on his head as well:
I want to go see the Backstreet Boys in Vegas this summer, so I have been listening to them on my iPod recently. (Okay, I don't need an excuse. I just like them, okay??) And I've realized they have their own little dialect happening.
On "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)," they sing "everybah-day-ah" instead of just "everybody"
On "I Want it That Way," it's "tell me why-eee" instead of just "tell me why"
What IS that? Then again, NSYNC had "it's gonna be MAY," so maybe it's a boy band thing. We may never know.
Y'all. My vegetable garden. Has overtaken my yard. Check it:
What you're looking at are tomatoes, lettuce, peppers, spinach, cucumbers, carrots and snap peas (the giant monstrosity in the middle). Everything except the tomato I planted from seeds, so it's super rewarding (and I realize a sound like a super nerd). Anyone need any veggies? Ain't no way I can eat all of this. #farmersmarketinmydriveway
In an effort to eliminate the gasoline odor in my car (going on three weeks now; I think I am immune to it which is even scarier), I read white vinegar helps. One bottle of vinegar later, I bet you can guess what my car smells like now. Not sure which is worse, honestly. Next up: coffee beans. STAT.
Went to my first polo match on Saturday out in the middle of nowhere (but hey - great excuse to wear a hat!). Five minutes in, my feet starting burning and I looked down and was covered in fire ants. Which bit no one else, mind you. 6 bites later, I can barely walk because they're between my toes and right where my shoes hit. So flip flops it is this week. Sorry, work peeps.
Went to church on Easter (along with thousands of others - my church even offered shuttles for parking). It was lovely, until leaving and I grabbed an Easter lily off the windowsill of the sanctuary. (We had purchased one in honor of my grandmother and everyone was taking them, so this in itself was not a sin.) What WAS a sin: the fact that the lily I grabbed was tangled with the one next to it, and the second one came tumbling down and almost hit the little old lady behind me. Dirt went everywhere and it was all super embarrassing. I got the hell out of there. (And yes, I realize I shouldn't use hell and church in the same story, but whatev.)
We're playing Bingo at work today. For the first time in my life, I get to be a Bingo caller. I may or may not have practicing my best "I-18. N-3." Of course, with it being Good Friday I might be both caller and only player, but at least the prizes are decent. And if my calling skills are also decent, I will next start practicing my best auctioneer calls. Or perhaps square dance calling comes first? I don't want to hurt myself.
So I have been going to an acupuncturist. I think it's all hooey, but have heard it can actually be helpful so what the eff. The first day, she had me stick out my tongue and she told me just by looking at it that I was too acidic. I needed to eat more acidic foods to get my body more pH-balanced and alkaline. (Yes, it's confusing that eating a lemon can make you more alkaline, but whatever.) So I've been trying really hard, taking these barley pills, drinking green tea and eating even healthier than I already did - and still testing acidic. So I desperately went on Amazon and bought Alkalife drops that go in your water, and after only a week I'm in the right pH zone. Weird and who KNOWS what I'm putting in my body, but for some reason it makes me feel better that I actually accomplished something. Bring on the lemon squares.
If you really think about nursery rhyme/kid song lyrics, it can get weird. For example:
It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
He went to bed and bumped his head,
And didn't wake up the next morning.
So what are we saying here - he died?
Then of course there's
Three blind mice, three blind mice, See how they run, see how they run, They all ran after the farmer’s wife, Who cut off their tails with a carving knife, Did you ever see such a thing in your life, As three blind mice?
This is just gross.
And the creepiest:
Ring-a-round the rosie, A pocket full of posies, Ashes! Ashes! We all fall down.
Because what nursery-age child doesn't want to learn about the Bubonic Plague. Truly.
Drove to Austin on Saturday to go see my adorable nephew, and two things caught my eye while driving down 35: the gorgeous wildflowers, and a pick-up truck carrying like 6 lambs in the back. The bed was open, and the lambs were standing in this big cage. The guy was going like 80, and the poor little guys must have been terrified. (They were probably going to be slaughtered, which only adds to the terror I'm sure.) They were all huddled together in one corner - I wondered if they took turns on who had to stand on the outside and bear the brunt of the wind. I felt so bad for them - I didn't want to drive behind him because I was afraid he would hit a pothole and the cage would pop open and lambs would come flying out onto the highway. If I had a bigger car I would have pulled up next to the guy and offered to buy one. Next time, lambs. Next time.
Took Charlie to the vet on Saturday for her mid-year shots, and learned that she has a heart murmur. The vet wasn't too worried about it, but said it's common in older dogs. She's only 6!! (Unless the shelter lied to me when I got her and maybe she's like 12.) I just have to watch to make sure there aren't signs of congenital heart failure. She is acting totally normal, but of course I bawled my eyes out and I'm spoiling her even more than I already was. #sorrynotsorry
I needed to fill my red gas container (I'm sure there's a word for this; I don't know what it is) for my lawnmower, so I took it in the car to the gas station over the weekend. Epic mistake - guess the lid wasn't screwed on tight enough and my crazy driving caused it to topple over and now my car REEKS of gasoline. I left the windows down all weekend, stuck a cup of coffee grounds in there overnight, and NADA. Not sure what else to do aside from selling the car.
So we're in the Final Four (again). But I'm not going this year - mostly because I don't want to be stuck somewhere (namely, Phoenix) if we lose on Saturday. Going to Final Fours in Texas is great - you can just drive home if need be. But to be stuck out there for three more days would be brutal. I'm not the kind of fan who would go watch the final even if (North) Carolina wasn't in it. Sorry not sorry. I'm going to be sad, and I'm going to want to go home.
Now all this being said, if we WIN and I'm not there, I will also be sad. And since whenever I go, they lose, they will probably win the whole damn thing. You're welcome, Tar Heel Nation.
So I survived the Color Run - it was less colorful than I expected. Basically people in each of the "color stations" dump colored chalk on you as you run by. I did get hit pretty hard in the pink station - two big blobs in my hair and one in my ear. To the point that, 4 days and 4 showers later, I still get pink on my Qtip when I clean my ears. Pretty!
On Friday I went to watch the UNC game, and met UNC alum Jesse Holley. He played both football and basketball for UNC, even playing on the 2005 national championship team. He then played pro football for the Bengals and the Cowboys, and lives in Little Elm. I will be honest - didn't really know who he was before. But he was so fun and personable - willing to take pictures with everyone, chatting and letting people (ahem, ME) wear his championship ring - that I have a newfound crush. I wore my UNC Chuck Taylors (not really Chucks, but they look like them), and he said if they had them in a size 12 he would wear them. So what do I do? Get on my phone and buy him a pair. $70 shoes for a guy I just met. Clearly I have been single for too long. I had to get his home address to ship the shoes, so I'm sure when he gets them (if he doesn't think it's like an explosive device or something) he will be super weirded out.
Doing the Color Run tomorrow. I've never run it before, and it looks like a blast. A blast of color, that is. I'm honestly wondering if my shoes/interior of my car will be ruined, so I might bring a towel to sit on on the way home. Someone even told me to put leave-in conditioner in my hair so it doesn't stain?? Luckily I have a hair appt tomorrow afternoon so she can deal with it. A little unicorn color never hurt anyone, right?
Speaking of unicorns, I must learn to make rainbow grilled cheese. I am OBSESSED. And I don't even like grilled cheese.
So I joined a bowling league with friends in an effort to be social - although for $65 I would have expected actual bowling shirts, not sad t-shirts - and I am absolutely awful. Worst on the team. Last night I did get two strikes, but this other guy got 6 in a row in the first game and 8 out of 10 the second game. Alrighty then. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the snack bar.
I thought March Madness was widely known, but maybe not so much in Texas? On Friday, we hosted a March Pat-ness happy hour at a local sports bar, and when I arrived to set up none of the TVs had the games on. I had to ask the bartender to change the channels, and he had to ask me what channels those were. (Thankfully, they had DirecTV so I spouted them off quickly.)
On Sunday, we went to the club to watch the UNC game. Newsletters and weekly emails indicated there would be March Madness parties, including game schedules and times, so we arrived all decked out in our Carolina finery to find a few tables of dudes watching golf. Again, had to ask the bartender to change the channel, and again, he had no idea what I was talking about or what channel he needed. (Again, yay DirecTV!)
Then yesterday, my boss popped her head in to see how the happy hour went, and asked if I should go turn on the games in the break room. I had to inform her that there were not any games again until Thursday.
DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Or should I just move to basketball country.
...not sure what to do with myself, really. It was nice having that time back last night (and this morning, when I would normally be recapping) - I instead devoted my energies to more impressive habits: watching other shows on TV. My three new obsessions:
GAH. That game was a little too close for comfort last night. (Since MOST games were close, I'll be more specific - UNC v Arkansas). I went from feeling great about life to wanting to hurt someone to reading the obituaries because I simply couldn't watch anymore to joyously jumping up and down when UNC pulled out the win.
And this roller coaster is perfectly summarized here:
It's a sad day when you run out of your favorite night cream, only to learn that it has been discontinued. (However, it can still be found on Amazon for $100+. It's Burt's Bees, people. Worth about $8.) Had I known, I would have pulled an Elaine Benes and stockpiled (a la sponges). But no. RIP, carrot nutritive night crème. I will miss you.
Thank god that's over, amiright? ABC blows the budget and flies Nick's enormous family to Finland to meet the final two ladies. Many have already met Raven, including little sis Bella, who's a big fan. But Vanessa makes a good impression as well, causing Nick's dad to tear up. She clearly still has some doubts, but meeting his family makes her fall more in love with him. She even says she'd be willing to leave behind everything she knows in Montreal for him. #kissofdeath
The ladies each have another one-on-one date with Nick: Vanessa has a magical day of horseback riding through the snow in Lapland, ending up where else? Santa's house! This is not a joke, people. Santa comes out and asks what they want for Christmas. And producers make Vanessa say something like "Santa Claus is more of a feeling, a belief. That's like my relationship with Nick." Alrighty. She also tells Nick she doesn't want to win just because Raven doesn't quite cut it - she wants to be his one and only. He just can't confess this to her yet, because there's another date on the line!
Raven and Nick ice skate to "Kiss Me" and the date is complete with husky puppies. Damn you, Nick. Can't say no to puppies. Raven is living in the here and now and is cool with uncertainty, unlike Vanessa - way to pick two polar opposites, producers Nick!
But clearly Nick prefers more of a challenge, for he sends Raven back to Hoxie and proposes to Vanessa. Since he's now doing Dancing with the Stars and she literally lives in another country, I give this 6 months.
At the After the Final Rose, I am half-expecting Raven to come out wielding a stiletto, but she's perfectly genteel. As a reward, Chris Harrison invites her to Paradise. As long as Corinne will be there too, I'm in.
Took this grammar quiz the other day, and although I thought I guessed on a couple, I was thrilled to learn that I scored a 25/25. So I passed it on to my co-worker. She also thought some of the questions were tough, but she also scored a 25/25. Interesting. Went home and told my mom about it - she said she took the quiz as well, and ALSO got a 25/25. As did my aunt. And another friend on Facebook. What are the odds??
I love Rachel so much, guys. So excited she will be the next Bachelorette. Her dress at the rose ceremony? My favorite ever. But first, Raven and her orgasms. Dear god, this again? Nick leaves their fantasy suite, and Raven announces she is completely "satisfied." Followed by a super cheesy montage of a super-smiley Raven making snow angels, patting dogs and having basically her Best Day Ever. Ew.
Rachel's date is next, and they feed reindeer and have a romantic evening in which she finally lets down her walls to tell him she's falling in love with him. He says he's falling for her too - cue the fantasy suite!
Vanessa has another rough date that tests her limits - jump into a freezing lake and then spring through the snow in your skivvies to a warm sauna. And back again. Fun times! She has some tough questions for Nick - is her traditional family too much? Would he move to Canada? Not sure he really answered any of these (he mutters), but she accepts the fantasy suite invite anyway.
At the rose ceremony, Rachel gets the snow-boot (it IS Finland, after all), and has to walk to the exit limo sans parka. Poor thing is crying, thinking she didn't do enough or tell him how she felt soon enough. Methinks she's going to be just fine.
At the Women Tell All, we hear from Taylor, who cries a bunch and demands an apology from Corinne for messing up her career (she never gets one). Corinne is apparently more well-liked than I imagined by the rest of the ladies, and says she never badmouthed anyone on the show and came off a bit more promiscuous than she intended. (ya think??) Plus, she handed out "cheese pasta" to everyone - the one dish she can make herself. I did enjoy the audience members with "Make America Corinne Again" and "Emotional Intelligence is My Jam" t-shirts. Plus posters saying "I want a Raquel," who is apparently not a nanny but Corinne felt "house-keeper" was too demeaning. Okie dokie.
Kristina makes everyone cry with her Russian orphan story, and inspires everyone including Chris Harrison, who wonders what he is doing with his life. I was hoping to hear from widow Danielle M, but it was time for Nick to face the music. He had never attended a Men Tell All since he was always in the final two, so was psyched to be there. Until he got tough questions from Kristina and Dominique - why did he keep women who were against what he said he was looking for? Why would he let someone go who he had chemistry with?? Cue the blooper reel, stat! (Was that a political comment from Chris Harrison who said, "America needs this right now."??)
Finally, Rachel comes out to huge applause. She giggles over the audience member dressed as a shark-dolphin (shout-out, Alexis) and says how humbled she is to tackle this responsibility. The other ladies are absolutely thrilled for her, and you can tell they truly like and respect her (and want her sloppy seconds). I honestly don't like Raven or Vanessa, so don't care much about next week's finale. Bring on Rachel!
Went to a beginner tennis clinic on Saturday at the "club." I was the only one who showed up, so it became a private lesson. The instructor was totally nice and after three balls said I was not a beginner. (Duh, but I could obviously use some instruction.) My backhand was "perfect," but everything else needed some tweaking. Basically I was playing "1980s tennis." Uh, thanks dad. Apparently tennis has changed a bit over the years? I wasn't even wearing the right shoes, which the instructor also told me. And he gave me a racket to use, because the one I brought which my dad sent was for "old ladies." Okay, okay I get it. Clearly my game could use a tune-up.
As could my physical fitness - I am so sore today I can barely move. (I also stupidly ran a 5K that day, so that's two sports that I never play rolled into one. Awesome.)
So I went out with my first non-white guy last weekend. I am SO with the times, no? (No. Nobody says "with the times" anymore.) Not sure why it took so long - he was very nice and I thought we had a good time. Of course, I never heard back from him, but I'm still proud of myself for getting out there and giving it a try. Cool points: 5; Romance points: 0.
I have been following a band called Yacht Rock Revue for a few years now. They are based in Atlanta, so they never play here, but they are all young guys who wear bellbottoms and leisure suits and play soft rock classics from the 70s-80s. (Think Fleetwood Mac, Paul Simon, Chicago, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Christopher Cross...) Sheer genius, if you ask me. They finally came to town last weekend and it was brilliant. I am now 100% obsessed and plan to travel to see them perform again. And apparently they even play on some rock cruise. Make that LIGHT rock cruise. I am soooo there.
It was only an hour last night, but it was chock-full of sex and sexual innuendo. Thanks, ABC. (Also, thanks for making next week THREE FREAKING HOURS. Dear lord.)
Andi appears at Nick's door for no apparent reason, except to give herself some air time. Nick mentions a few times that the last time he saw her, she dumped him. Cue awkward laughs. Nick gets how she felt, though, and doesn't want to get engaged just because he's the Bachelor and doesn't want to pick the last one standing just because she's the last one standing. Um, that's the point of the show, but whatevs.
We head to the rose ceremony, and finally Corinne is sent home. She bursts into tears, then falls fast asleep. I have no doubt we have not seen the last of her or her nanny Raquel - see Bachelor in Paradise.
The final three ladies head to "romantic Finland!" Okaaaaay. Not the first place I think of when I think romance, but the reindeer are cool and the snow is pretty and DAMN are those the Northern Lights?? Sold. Raven gets the one-on-one date, and she makes sure to tell Nick that she loves him. And tries to convince him pants don't need pleats. Over dinner, she accepts the fantasy suite card, but informs Nick (and millions of viewers, likely including her sweet deep south parents) that not only has she only had sex with one other person, but she has never had an orgasm.
GAME ON. Nick jumps from the table so quickly I can't believe he didn't spill his drink, and they trudge through the snow to make passionate love spend a quiet evening alone yet fully dressed.
The first thing I thought when I heard about the Oscars mess-up: Trump is going to tweet about this now as a "total disaster." We don't need to give him any more ammunition, peeps. I watched the awards show this morning while working out, and here are my thoughts:
Jimmy Kimmel did a great job. Just enough political jokes without beating us over the head with it. The Matt Damon thing is always funny, as are Mean Tweets. And the people from the star tours were hilarious.
Viola Davis is amazing, and so is NASA's Katherine Johnson.
Best dressed: Hailee Steinfeld
Runner-up: Emma Stone (at the show; her after-party look was terrible)
I'm sure everyone cares what I think. You're welcome.
Well, I did it. I joined a damn country club. It's really the first one I've ever belonged to, although I grew up going to T Bar M (because my dad worked there), but that was more of a tennis club than a country club. It's all about the country club, people. The Dallas Athletic Club is right around the corner from my house, and although it has two golf courses, I'm joining for the tennis/pool/athletic facilities. They have live bands and a Fourth of July celebration, plus a wine club (!) and fancy brunches. The day I went to take a tour they were hosting some golf tournament, and I realized THAT was where all the men are. Good grief. It's possible this is what has been missing from my life. Now to buy some sweaters to tie around my neck. Because that's what you DO at the club, duh.
NOTE: I am actually not a full member yet. They are voting in next week's board meeting. And considering I had to submit a photo, letters of recommendation AND get a current member to "sponsor" me, I'm having major sorority rush flashbacks. Good times.
As of Monday, I am gluten free. Don't think I necessarily have a gluten allergy, but figured it can't hurt. I don't eat much bread or pasta anyway, and I don't drink beer - no biggie, right? Well, sort of right. I have already had dreams/nightmares that I am eating Frosted Mini-Wheats, only to realize they have gluten and I have to spit them out. Who knew this was in my subconscious?? (I DO love Frosted Mini-Wheats.) I also can't use my regular salad dressing because it has soy sauce in it, and had to buy gluten free soy sauce. But otherwise it hasn't been so bad. Of course, it's only day four.
...just kidding. But Joanna Cassidy - of Odd Mom Out and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead fame - has been liking all of my Instagram posts lately. I mean, WHAT?? But I'll take it. I loved Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
All four remaining girls get a hometown date, much to the relief of Corinne - and much to OUR relief, for that means we get to meet Raquel.
But first up is Raven's hometown of Hoxie, Alabama. They go fourwheelin', get "caught" by the police who ends up being her brother, and make out in what can only be described as a swamp. Ew.
Raven's parents live in a home with a "Go Hogs!" wreath, so you already know what you're getting into. But Raven is shocked to hear that her daddy is cancer free, setting up a tearful yet sweet evening ahead.
Nick next heads to Dallas (shout-out!) to meet Rachel's family, but she first takes him to her mostly black church. It's pretty great - lots of singing and clapping and Nick asks if he should sit or stand. Bless his heart.
At her mother's house, we learn that her older sister is married to a white guy (who looks quite a bit like Nick, just saying), but the conversation always steers toward race. Nick holds his ground, saying he is attracted to the woman Rachel is, not what she looks like.
Nick heads to meet Corinne's family, but she first takes him shopping and buys him a $3000 outfit. He breaks into hives, but she's loving it. And she's loving him -and tells him so. But now we have to meet the family - her dad seems like he could be part of the Greek mafia, and sweet Raquel is part of the family (while serving them like a maid). Her father makes everyone cheers with olives, and tells Nick that Corinne just may be the breadwinner. Opa!!
Finally, Nick heads to Montreal to speed-learn French and Italian, apparently. He first meets Vanessa's special ed class, who are just about the sweetest people you've ever seen. They all make a scrapbook together, and there are lots of "je t'aimes" floating around.
We have to hit Vanessa's family in two parts, since her parents are divorced and don't get along very well (PREACH!). First up is her mother's huge and intimidating Italian family - the older sister says she will hate him if he hurts her, the mother says she wants to protect her, and the brother doesn't want her to get hurt again. Would like to know more about the last relationship, but whatever. They also grill him about living conditions - would he move to Canada? Nick says they haven't really discussed it, which is not what they want to hear. Nick pulls it together to meet Vanessa's dad and stepmom, but the dad is just as scary. He withholds his blessing for a while, making Nick sweat it out, but finally gives it. Nick is relieved to get the hell back to the US - NYC, actually - when freaking ANDI appears at his door.
I have signed up to run two 5Ks next month. Now, considering I have run a marathon and a couple halfs before, 5K shouldn't seem daunting. But when you literally haven't run in three years, it's a bit unnerving. Odds are good I will pull something/get a blister/have to walk most of it. So instead of training, I'll do just that! Procrastination wins again.
I am loving the Dan Rather resurgence of late - he's on Facebook, he pops up on TV, and he does a weekly show on Sirius XM. On a recent episode, he started singing. Could he BE any cuter?? But I had to giggle when he closed out the program - it airs on Tuesdays, and he said, "See you next Tuesday!" Which for me brought up the "c" word. Which is terrible. And I'm sure Dan Rather would just DIE if he knew what he referenced. Hilarious.
In a strange turn of events, the usually tight-lipped ABC confirmed that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. The rub: she's still on the show as a contestant. Interesting.
In Bimini, Nick pulls himself together and decides to forge on with the show (um, duh). He bonds with Vanessa on their one-on-one date and rubs SPF on Kristina, Corinne and Raven on the group date. Corinne is pissed to be on a group date - she's already thinking about hometown dates and is eager for Nick to meet her family nanny.
Raven opens up about her "daddy" being sick, and of course gets the group date rose. Danielle has a one-on-one and tells Nick her heart is open, and he responds by letting her go. For some reason the producers make her pack her own bags and she gets to make a teary goodbye to the remaining ladies.
Corinne takes this opportunity to head over to Nick's hotel room in her Louboutins and try to seduce him. He turns her down, wisely - he had sex with Caitlyn too early and knows this could be bad idea jeans. She is mortified and traipses back to her own room, rejected.
Rachel has the last one-on-one date, and it is "breezy." They make out, take advice from locals, and she admits she has never brought a white guy home to meet her family. Back at the house, Corinne is freaking out. Her sex panther act did not go well, and she feels like she is probably the one to go home. Nick talks to Chris Harrison and says he knows who is letting go, but there is love for this woman and he is sad. Real tears, folks. He decides to go tell the woman now, instead of putting her through a rose ceremony.
I assume he is coming to send Rachel home, since she's the next Bachelorette, but nope - he says NYET to our favorite Russian, Kristina. She gets a little testy with him - "you didn't give me a chance!" but downs her vodka and heads to the exit limo. Corinne is still nervous - Nick is "very unpredictable" - and doesn't know if she is safe or not. God, I hope not.
My boss invited me to a client dinner Friday night at the new Fogo de Chao (although I don't eat red meat, they do have a stellar salad bar). Two other of her direct reports were supposed to come, but when I got there I learned it was just me and my boss. And we were seated at a "romantic" table for two. Hell - closest I'm getting to a Valentine's date. Might as well go with it.
Sad that we lost to Duke last night; less sad to see JJ Redick in the crowd with a black eye. YES!! I'm sure it was a sports-related injury, but I like to think that some UNC fan somewhere just walked up and punched him. Maybe me.
Got acupuncture yesterday for the first time. (Check that off the bucket list??) It was...weird. Didn't hurt, but the idea that a needle was in my forehead and my ears made it a little hard to relax. Then again, I get Botox and I've pierced my ears multiple times, so that should be no biggie. The lady also told me my body is too acidic, which she was able to assess just by my sticking out my tongue. (I may or may not have bought a pH litmus test online to check if this is complete hooey or not.) Oddly, eating lemons and limes will help REDUCE acidity, which makes absolutely no sense to me, but I'll give it a try because the doctor was from China and seemed to know her stuff. Bring on the holistic medicine and voodoo dolls. Hell - if the sessions weren't so expensive, I might actually go back for another round. Maybe I can just count the next Botox cycle?
First of all, I learn new facts. Also - Who are these Trump-imitators doing the voiceover?? BRILLIANT. My favorite one is Iran. Who knew they had a sense of humor?? NOTE: Tons of new videos have been added since I checked on Monday. Here's hoping every single country in the world will participate.
Bachelor Nick is cleaning house: he eliminated 6 girls last night. 6! With this kind of speed, we'll be done in a week. But first we have to get through this week...
Taylor busts in on Corinne and Nick, to let him know he's been lied to. She cites quotes from other girls in the house to build a case against Corinne, but Nick still sends her on her way. (And that's not even one of the six!!)
It's rose ceremony time, and Jaimi, Josephine and Dolphin Girl get the ax. I was sad to see the dolphin go, not gonna lie. Everyone left is thrilled to be off to St Thomas! Bikinis a-go-go!
Nick extends the first date card to Kristina The Russian, and she finally opens up about her painful childhood. She grew up with no food in the house, eating lipstick, was kicked out of the house at 5, ended up at an orphanage and got adopted at 12 to an American family. Damn. Nick is enthralled (as are we all), and she gets the rose. Na Zdorovie! (Totally had to Google that. Thought it was spelled "nastarovia." #fail)
Back at the hotel, Corinne is thrilled to meet the St Thomas version of Nanny Raquel, who is at the ready to fix C a snack, fluff C's pillows and steam C's dress. Guessing this woman is a paid actress, but it's effective. The group date heads to play beach volleyball, and it's a total disaster. No one wants to vie for Nick's affections anymore, no one wants to play volleyball, and once Jasmine shoves Corinne into the sand, it's game over. The women head to their separate corners to cry and sleep (Corinne). Nick tries to make amends in the evening, but Rachel is ready to go at any point, and Jasmine wants to choke him. And physically tries to. Bye bye, Jasmine.
The two-on-one date pits Danielle Boobs against Whitney, a girl I have never seen nor heard speak until this point. But we didn't miss much, because pretty quickly Nick gives Whitney the boot, flying off to dinner with Danielle. Boobs is giddy on the date, admitting that she's falling in love with him and is so glad they are on the same page. One glance at Nick's forehead sweat tells me they are NOT in fact on the same page, and he sits silently for an uncomfortable amount of time before giving her the boot as well. (And that's six, folks!)
The girls back at the hotel are freaking out to see both women's suitcases get wheeled away, and freak out even MORE when a sweaty, drunk, tearful Nick pops in. He says he's worried he won't find anyone, and maybe he can't even continue. And walks out. He is literally a human To Be Continued.
Because I took money out of my 401K to pay for IVF, I had to pay a ton to the IRS. I figured I would actually go to H&R Block this year instead of doing it online on my own, since it was all a bit overwhelming. At my first appointment two weeks ago, I left owing the government over $3K. But when we realized fertility treatments are deductible, I went back Saturday and will now be receiving a $2K refund! Totally worth the $300 to H&R Block. And I'll probably get audited, but at least I know where to find the receipts. Not in some random shoebox in my garage. #happytaxdance
My team is picking up some extra duties after a colleague left, and one of those duties is taking charge of the fun runs for employees. About 30 are running the Hot Chocolate Run tomorrow, so I had to go down to Fair Park (50 miles roundtrip from my office btw) and pick up all the packets. And this race offers hooded sweatshirts instead of t-shirts, which are heavier. (This will be important in a moment.)
Besides the 30 that were pre-boxed, I had an additional 8 who also needed packets, so I waited in line for their bibs first. Then had to get into the very long line for customer service to pick up the box. Which weighed 40 pounds and was basically a bulky nightmare. I left it to go into ANOTHER line to get the straggling 8 sweatshirts. Put those over my arm and went back for the box. Now, I consider myself to be in decent shape, but this was too much. I would take 20 steps, then have to rest. It was only 40 something degrees out, but I was drenched in sweat. Heartrate racing. I made it to a grassy patch and decided to roll the box. Which was of course a square, not meant for rolling, but I got a decent rhythm going.
I still had about a half mile walk remaining and my arms were jelly, so a very kind woman insisted on helping me. We found a maintenance guy, who agreed to drive me and my giant box (that's what she said) to my car. I am SO SORE today. It was like the most ridiculous thing I've ever done, and I've told everyone at work that I will not be doing this again. ESPECIALLY since I'm not even running this race!!!
You guys. Rick Astley. He's 50 and looks and sounds fantastic. He sang Nat King Cole, AC/DC and Motown, plays the drums like a boss and of course rocked his two biggest hits, "Together Forever" and "Never Gonna Give You Up." I may have a newfound crush. Consider me rick-rolled.
I've been getting reminders of my late grandmother lately - "signs," if you will. I was flipping through my contacts on my phone and noticed I still had "Nana" in there with her home number. Not going to delete it, either. And then this morning I wore a sweater that was hers - her name is even stitched into the back like when you went to camp as a kid. I put my hands in the pockets and found a Kleenex. My grandmother ALWAYS had Kleenex. And again, not throwing it away. (I don't think it's used Kleenex, but even still.)
Can't do too detailed of a recap today because you know I have a real job, but here's a brief synopsis:
This was basically a Corinne v Taylor episode. We resumed the evening of the rose ceremony with C and T badmouthing each other (although Taylor continues to use "emotional intelligence" like it's a below the belt insult). Corinne tells Nick that Taylor isn't here for the right reasons (ooooh) and even tells Taylor that the other girls feel the same. Not sure that's true, but Corinne later promotes "make Corrine Great Again," so it's possible she is using #alternativefacts.
Sarah and Astrid (?) get kicked off, and the ladies are off to New Orleans! Rachel gets the one-on-one date, and they have a casual NOLA afternoon - beignets at Café Du Monde, marching in a second line parade, and kissing just about everywhere. These two are very cute together, and you can tell there's a chemistry. She gets the rose.
The group date heads to a haunted mansion, complete with Ouija boards and flickering lights. Danielle M (blonde nurse, not to be confused with Danielle Boobs) gets the group date. Raven accidentally tells Nick she loves him, and is a bit miffed that she doesn't get the rose in return. Sweet small-town Raven.
And then there's the dreaded two-on-one date (two girls, one rose - one stays, one goes): and of course it's between Taylor and Corinne. They head into the alligator-filled swamp in a boat driven by a dude certainly in the movie Deliverance. Corinne uses her one-on-one time with Nick to throw Taylor under the bus, back over her and toss her into a waiting gator's mouth. She says Taylor is a bully and made her feel stupid. And then goes and makes a voodoo doll of Taylor and jabs her in the heart with a pin. (FORESHADOWING) Nick confronts Taylor, who is shocked but unfortunately uses the emotional intelligence line as her explanation. Girl, no one knows what that is.
Corinne gets the rose, and as she and Nick putter off in the swampboat, Taylor just sits quietly, brewing. As Nick and Corinne enjoy a romantic dinner, Taylor makes a pit-stop at the voodoo priestess and gets oils poured on her and chants performed around her. She then pops in on the shocked twosome.
TO BE CONTINUED.
My mom shared a "funny" story about what happened to her last week. I didn't find it as funny. You be the judge:
A man knocked on the door and my mom answered. He said he had amazing fertilizer to make my grass grow, complete with grass seed, vitamins, the works. A dollar a bag. My mom agreed, because #gardening. 240 bags later, they offered to do the back yard as well, but thankfully my mom said no. She got ready to pay $250, and the guy said, "that will be $1900." My mom was like, "Excuse me?? You said 'a dollar a bag!'" The man said, "No, I said EIGHT dollar a bag." So my poor mother shelled out $2000 for dirt. That smells like shit.
I told her A. I would never have opened the door, and 2. I would have told the guy I didn't have that kind of money, and he would have to scoop it back up. #sorrynotsorry
Here's hoping I have the prettiest yard in all the land. For my own sanity.
I'm 6 months out from turning 40, and I feel like I have to get ready. In the past two weeks, I have gotten eyelash extensions, Botox and gotten my teeth whitened. Still need to get my hair extensions, and I'll be all set. Fake and 40.
I participated in the women's march in Dallas on Saturday. I have seen lots of anti-march comments on FB (but thankfully more pro-march comments), but it was a really cool thing to be part of. I wish I had gone to DC or Austin, but was happy Dallas had around 5000 people -women, men, children and dogs - take part. It was the first time I've ever marched, and we made signs and printed out the words to the official chants. (Example: "Show me what democracy looks like? This is what democracy looks like!") My mom came with me, and I'm sure it brought back memories of the 1960s (although she claims she never marched back then). Everyone was so polite, both marchers and passersby-except for the one woman who rolled down her window, laid on her horn and flipped us all off as she drove by. Well alrighty then. To each his own, of course - but I'm really glad I participated and was thrilled to see that marches happened all over the country and the globe (shout-out, Antarctica!).
We're back to the Corinne show pool party bitchfest, and Nick fends off a handful of ladies complaining about Corinne. She would love the attention if she weren't napping. When confronted, Corinne says she is "not privileged in any way." And her nanny can back that up. At the rose ceremony, Brittany and Christen are left rose-less and sad ("I've been single for soooooo long!" #biteme), and the remaining ladies are "thrilled" to learn that they are off to beautiful...Milwaukee! (Nick's hometown, so not 100% random. Just 87%.)
The first one-on-one date is for Danielle (boobs, not Danielle nurse). They take in the small town life, sample cookies, run into ex girlfriends (?!) and make out in a park where Nick lost his virginity (?!?!?!). At dinner, Nick asks if she has any flaws, and she answers that her parents are divorced. Not sure that counts, but her boobs look nice so she gets the rose and a private concert by someone I've never heard of.
The group date heads to a dairy farm, so we can perpetuate all Wisconsin stereotypes. The girls feed baby calves, scoop poop and Nick attempts to milk a cow. It doesn't go well. And then the former lesbian Jaimi takes the teat wheel. She does a stellar job, and methinks I can skip over any obvious jokes here. Corinne is not amused and would rather be eating chicken tacos at a spa or having some sushi. (Someone get this girl some food!) Plus, she has a "serious medial emergency" and her fingers simply won't allow her to do any manual labor. Perhaps a case of Nannyitis?
That evening Kristina and Nick have some quality alone time, while Corinne decides to confront the other girls and asks them to talk about her to her face, not to her back. That's just polite, guys. Plus, Corinne is like an ear of corn. You have to peel back the layers to reveal the yellow, buttery nuggets. Alrighty. Sarah takes the bait and asks if Corinne is really ready to marry a 36-year-old man. After all, she takes naps, plays in bounce houses and has a nanny. Corinne says sizebank account age doesn't matter, and besides - Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. So there you have it. #alternativefacts And yet another #alternativefact pops up when Kristina confronts Corinne for always running away - like when she slept through the rose ceremony. Corinne announces that she had a panic attack, duh. First we're hearing of this. Corinne storms off to report back to Nick. She's miffed that they don't kiss, and even more miffed when Kristina gets the group date rose.
Small-town Raven has the last one-one-one date, and it might be the biggest one - she attends Nick's little sister Bella's soccer game and meets the parents. And then goes roller skating and hangs out with Bella. Quite the 1980s dream date. At dinner she reveals her dark side, going absolutely nuts on her ex when she walked in on him cheating on her. And boy was he cheating - she tells Nick she knows what this woman's vagina looks like. Wow. Nick isn't sure whether to be terrified or turned on, and gives her the rose just to be safe.
It's pre-rose ceremony time again, but Taylor is annoyed that Corinne is still here. And even more annoyed that Danielle - who already has a rose - steals Nick away first. Plus, Taylor has "zero fucks left to give." So she interrupts and gets in some good makeout time. Phew. While stuffing her face (thank god someone finally fed her), Corinne decides she's not having it with Taylor anymore. She is not immature (which she proves by jiggling her boobs), and she just can't even. She LITERALLY can't even. She grabs Taylor and they head to a seemingly romantic loveseat by the firepit. But there's no love lost here. Taylor begins her astute counselor analysis of Corinne and her lack of emotional intelligence. Corinne knows she's being talked down to, even if she doesn't understand how, and fights back, saying "I'm not an idiot!" "I run a multi-million dollar company!" Here we go again...
A guy friend told me the other day that I was "nerdy-sexy." And I wasn't even wearing my glasses. This is a new turn of events. But I guess pushing 40 one can rarely be "sexy-sexy." I'll take what I can get. Library date, anyone?
Driving home last night listening to CNN on SiriusXM, I found it amusing/strange that they did a story on who the designated survivor would be in case the "unthinkable" happened at the inauguration on Friday. Wishful thinking? Paranoia? Psychic prediction? Whatever. I'd rather watch Kiefer Sutherland.
Had to have day surgery on Friday (and no, I wasn't thrilled about going under on Friday the 13th), and I have to say anesthesia is so bizarre to me. I was out for maybe 20 minutes, and have no memory of going into the operating room or much else after saying goodbye to my mom. Plus hours later I found a sticky EKG patch (I'm sure there is a fancy term for this, but I don't know what it is) on my boob and another one on my back - AND a Band-Aid on my arm where I apparently got a shot (?). And I remember NONE of this. What exactly goes on in there during those 15-20 minutes? The world may never know.
Any time I can see the Backstreet Boys perform "Everybody," it's a good day. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Nick has to deal with the fallout from the Liz situation back at the mansion. Most women are a bit shell-shocked, but not Corinne - she takes this opportunity to dress as a flasher (naked under a trenchcoat) and seduces Nick with a can of whipped cream. Been there, done that.
Nick isn't all that impressed and heads back in to talk to other, fully-clothed, ladies. Corinne is embarrassed and pissed - and proves it by skipping the rose ceremony altogether and falling asleep next to her rose. Like any normal gal would.
Three girls get the boot, but I can't remember any of their names. Sorry #notsorry.
The first group date involves back-up dancing for BSB, who are only here to promote their Vegas residency. The girls go ape-shit, and Nick wisely observes it's a good thing they are all happily married. Former Cowboys cheerleader Jasmine does well, as does Danielle, who wins the serenade and "private" (read: in front of 500 people and the other ladies) dance with Nick on stage. Corinne is NOT a good dancer, and is pissed again seeing Nick and Danielle kiss. She wants it that way, dammit. (See what I did there??) Later that night, Corinne is the first to drag him away and apologizes (while kissing him) for the night before. Nick forgives her (hard to argue when her tongue is in your mouth), but gives the group date rose to Danielle. We do get to hear more about Corinne's nanny, Raquel. Apparently Corinne can not make her own bed, chop her own cucumbers or do her own laundry at age 24. Tell me why-eeee... (okay, done with the BSB references.)
Vanessa gets the one-on-one date, which involves boarding a plane that takes nosedives in order to achieve zero gravity. They look like they're having fun, but I'm sitting here thinking how violently ill I would be. And then Vanessa pukes. Several times. Bless her heart. Nick mans up and comforts her, even kissing her post-puke. (Breath mint!!!) At dinner she opens up about her grandfather passing away and being attracted to how close Nick is with his own family. Annnd rose.
The final group date involves a "Nick-cathlon" featuring Carl Lewis, Michelle Carter and Allyson Felix- do these people have nothing better to do?? Dominque(who?? I swear she already got kicked off) is thrilled to be out of the house, but doesn't feel Nick is showing her the proper attention. Rachel wins the 100-yard dash in the end, but misses the giant fake ring and Astrid scoops it up and hops into the hot tub with Nick. Apparently cheaters DO win sometimes. Afterwards, Dominique is still wound up and Nick ends up giving her the boot, saying their relationship wouldn't be able to catch up with the others. Nice track and field metaphor, buddy. Rachel deservedly wins the group date rose, but I think she just jinxed it by saying she thought she'd be there in the finale. Sigh. These gals never learn.
It's pool party time! Corinne once again steals the show - and the guy -by renting (or bringing her own) princess bounce house and attacking poor Nick in her teeny bikini. The girls are annoyed and miffed, and one by one start to say something to him. Is he looking for a wife or a plaything? Again, we know these kinds of conversations never bode well for the ladies bringing them up, but at least a few (Taylor, Jasmine, Vanessa) are smart and mature, which will hopefully work in their favor.
To Be Continued...