Monday, July 24, 2017

Sometimes I miss having a landlord

When it rains, it pours I guess. Last week thought the dryer was busted (thank goodness it wasn't); this weekend the alarm went off twice in the middle of the night because after the foundation work my back door doesn't close properly; the oven is broken and now my A/C is only blowing hot air. (Perfect timing, since it will be over 100 this week!)

Thank goodness I have a home warranty which should cover the A/C and the oven, but seriously folks. Might just drive to work and keep on going.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Fake it til you make it

My second "Louis Vuitton" purse arrived this week. I put it in quotes because it's a fake from China. And it's the second one I have purchased. Now, even the fakies aren't cheap - $200 - but still much more doable than the real ones ($1200+). I will carry my Chinese bag with pride (until someone with a real one walks in - then I will hide it behind my back).


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Game Set Match

I'm trying to be more involved in the country club to make friends make it worth the money, so I tried going to a women's beginner tennis class on Saturday mornings. But no one else showed up, so after one private lesson they cancelled the class. The only other one I can go to is on Wednesdays at 5:30, which I can only get to if I leave work at 4:30. (There are other classes during the weekday of course - as most of these women don't work.)

I probably don't need to be in a beginner class, but I like building my confidence back up and it's nice to know what I'm doing for once in a while.

Yesterday was hotter than hell (literally 106 on the court), but so fun!

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Move that bus!

Started a bit of construction on my house, and my OCD anal need for cleanliness is suffering. First, fixing some foundation issues in the garage/driveway. Which apparently was so jarring on day one I thought I was going to need a new dryer. (Thank god it was just the breaker.) Next, we are transforming the garage into some sort of guest room/playroom/workout room/closet shenanigan and building a new garage behind it. Should be very interesting, especially when my mom suggested a "yard sale décor." Um, no. But it will be nice to have a little more space, assuming they finish at some point soon and stop tracking dust through my house. (Gives me anxiety just thinking about it. And yes, I know babies are messy. I'm working through it.)

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Bachelorette recap: For whom the gong tolls

It's hometown date time, folks! Where Rachel runs up to each guy in his hometown and straddles them we see the good, the bad and the bizarre of where the final four guys come from.

First up: Baltimore with Eric. Wasn't sure how this would go since he told Rachel he didn't get love from his mother. And because Eric hasn't brought a girl home since the damn prom. But his mom was there, along with a ton of other family members. They were excited and happy to meet Rachel, and she felt the same about them. There was even some dancing. LOVE. Rachel talks to Eric's aunt about being the black bachelorette, surmising that love has no color (preach!), and explains to his mother that he challenges her and she likes that. She's IN. Eric tells her he's falling in love with her, and then oddly has to explain what that means (he cares about her, duh). But Rachel chalks it up to a good first hometown.

Next: Bienvenidos a Miami with Bryan. Who, as we recall, ended his last relationship because there was tension with his mother. Rachel is understandably apprehensive about meeting his mother Olga. After playing dominoes with the locals and sampling typical Miami fare (as well as salsa - the dance, not the dip), it's time to meet the Madre. And she's tough - complete with closed captioning to break down the thick accent. She tears up toasting her only child - the "most precious thing I have in my life" (oof) and pulls Bryan aside to show her skepticism for this whole experience. He has dated SO MANY WOMEN and can meet SO MANY MORE - why this one?? Bryan says he thinks - no, he knows - that Rachel is the one. Olga reminds him that no matter what happens in marriage, blood is blood - mother is mother. Alrighty then. Rachel learns that the previous gf wanted Bryan all to herself and didn't want to share him with his mother. So when she talks to Olga she makes sure to mention that she is excited about marrying his family too. Olga is happy enough with this response, but threatens to kill Rachel if she hurts Bryan. Rachel laughs but I don't think she's kidding...#cuepsychomusic
Bryan tells Rachel he's in love and we have another successful hometown date in the books.

Third trip: Madison, WI to see Peter. Rachel is thrilled but wary - is he going to be ready to propose in 3 weeks? She didn't come all this way for a boyfriend, guys. Girl needs a husband. Come on, gap tooth. Man up. After a tour of Madison, Peter introduces her to some of his racially diverse friends. And admits to his boys that he is terrified about the idea of proposing in three weeks. Hmmm. (Props to his buddy for telling him not to eff it up.) Rachel loves seeing him with his family - especially his niece - but his mom doesn't calm her fears by saying although Peter is ready for commitment, he's not necessarily ready for marriage. Peter doesn't help matters by refusing to say he's falling in love with her. He's "happy," which is all she's going to get at this point.

Finally: the Most Dramatic Hometown of All, Aspen with Dean. We know Dean doesn't really want to do this - he hasn't talked to his father in years and they have been estranged ever since his mother died over 10 years ago. But producers convince him to suck it up buttercup, and here we are. After riding ATVs, Dean confesses to Rachel how terrified he is. She asks if he tried to communicate with his father, and he comes back with "is it MY job to maintain a relationship with my dad??" (A feeling I have possibly shared personally about my father, but bygones.) The most important thing we learn before meeting the family: Dean's father converted to Kundalini Yogi Sikh and now goes by a self-given name of Paramroop Singh Khalsa ("divinely beautiful.") He's married to a woman also in the Sikh faith who goes by Santantar, and Dean has only met her twice. Holy crap this is going to be good.

Rachel and Dean head into Paramroop's home and join everyone on the floor. Dad wants to play the gong for the group, and asks everyone to lie with their heads pointed towards the gong. Rachel is such a good sport - she's digging the energy, man. (Whereas Dean looks like he might vomit.) Paramroop (I just like writing it at this point) gives feathers to Rachel and Dean as a symbol of his late wife and even tears up talking about the "most amazing woman he's ever met" (aside from his new wife, seated right next to him). A healthy dinner centered around the mung bean is next, but too bad Dean ate beforehand. (?) Dad and son have a chat, but it doesn't go well. Dad messes up by saying he must be a great dad because look at his son! They end up yelling at each other and Dean accuses Paramroop of not being there emotionally (albeit financially) after his mother died. Paramroop says he was angry at his late wife for dying and did the best he could. He wishes Dean well and leaves the house. Rachel tries to talk to P (whose positive chakras have since departed), and he basically tells Rachel she is welcome to come back, but for now, he's out. Dean tells her he's falling in love with her, and she says she's falling, too! #mungbeanpower

In Dallas (!) for the rose ceremony, Rachel is hit with the severity of the night. She doesn't know who she's going to send home. But somehow figures it out - bye, Dean! He questions her saying she was falling for him, but she says she meant it. I feel like he blames his father for this, which won't help the family dynamic any time soon...





Monday, July 17, 2017

Trip Advisor

Absolutely loved Chicago. (Granted, have never been in the winter, but man the summer is NICE.) 80 and sunny during the day, 65 at night - a nice break from the 100-degree heat of Texas. Hamilton was of course amazing - my mom was super sad because our seats had a partially obstructed view, but we were able to see 95% of it and that 95% was brilliant. Have had the songs stuck in my head ever since.

Our hotel was in a great location right on the Chicago river - but also right across from this:

"Room with a view," my ass.

Saturday we walked around Millennium Park (saw the Bean and the beautiful gardens), then walked to Navy Pier and took an architecture cruise down the river. It was really informative and we had a great tour guide.

Walked around the Magnificent Mile, although all of the shops could be found in Dallas so we weren't all that impressed, but found the coolest building unintentionally:


Ate pizza at Lou Malnati's - my mom got the deep dish and I had to settle for a thin crust (gluten free), but somehow managed to eat the WHOLE DAMN THING. Dear god. And then the trip came to a bit of a crashing halt when my mom realized her wallet was gone. We think it fell out of the cab and someone grabbed it, because within an hour they had tried to use it on the South Side - $800 at Target, anyone? So that was kind of a bummer, but all in all it was a great trip and I'm super psyched about my Cubs hat. #believe

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Chi-town



Headed to Chicago tomorrow - never been, so I'm excited! First of all because we're seeing Hamilton, but also going to cram in some touristy stuff: deep dish pizza (gluten free, sigh), architecture cruise, Navy Pier and Second City. Hoping to come back with some sort of accent. Practicing by watching the Da Bears skit on SNL.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

No can do

Y'all. Hall & Oates are 70. 70! They still look and sound great - although it seemed Oates was wearing a Member's Only jacket (which would actually be amazing). And DAMN Tears for Fears was great. I realized I don't know their names and if one was standing next to me I probably wouldn't know it. But still. Had to buy a t-shirt. And love concerts like this where everyone is our age.  #showstartedat7 #earlybirdspecial

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Bachelorette recap: The Geneva Accords

We continue our whirlwind tour of Europe with a trip to lovely Geneva. There will be three one-on-one dates and an awkward three-on-one date where two guys get sent home (no rose ceremony). So much for Switzerland being neutral...

Date 1: Bryan. Rachel buys them matching Swiss watches (a "forever gift," according to Bryan) and they take a little boat trip. They bond over having attended private school (shout-out!), and he informs her that his last girlfriend broke up with him because of his mother. Cue Rachel giving him the rose (and the ensuing hometown visit!)...

Date 2: Dean. They attend mass (in French) and dance in the rain to a man with an accordion. Dean is super nervous about taking Rachel home to meet his family, because his family situation isn't great. But they hash it out and she says HER family is fine and she wouldn't expect HIS to be. Rose/hometown visit.

Date 3: Peter. A helicopter ride into the Alps ends with a dogsled ride. Interesting that all of Peter's dates involve dogs, but I love it. Peter later admits to almost wanting to leave and feeling guilty about abandoning his ex-gf a few years ago. I'm a little confused, but he's crying and he might not propose if he wasn't feeling it. Uh-oh. But Rachel is smitten and he gets the rose/hometown date. Phew. #teamgaptooth

Date 4: Eric, Adam and Matt - two of whom have barely spoken and have not been on one-on-one dates. Doesn't bode well. And sure enough, Adam and Matt are kicked off. In France. Where they took a boat over. #becauseeurope To her credit, Rachel cries over Matt and we hope Adam Jr (aka the creepy doll he brought night one) can use his French to get them all home safely.

Next week: final four hometown dates!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Secret's out.

Today is a big day. I'm 40. And pregnant. 14.5 weeks, to be exact.  It's been a long and expensive road (and that expense is just starting), but I'm thrilled. And I promise this won't be a "baby" blog - still have to recap the damn Bachelor/Bachelorette, after all. Stick to what I know.

If you're interested, I documented my baby journey here:

https://greatbabyproject.blogspot.com/

And here she is, in all her glory:



In this one, I choose to believe it represents #shepersisted




Friday, July 7, 2017

Crotchety.

I have been worse and worse about catching up on Facebook. Frankly, it's exhausting - and nearly impossible - especially because I'm part of a bunch of those online garage sales and I feel like all I see are posts about stuff for sale. So I hope I haven't missed someone's important or super cute post because I'm just old and lazy. Instagram has become my jam, and not just because it rhymes. I find it much easier to get through and just happier in general. Still don't understand Snapchat (aside from the funny selfie filters), and can only handle Twitter like three times a week because it overwhelms me, so basically I am 900 years old.

Someone bring me my Blackberry. (And get off my lawn!)

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Boom boom pow

Successful first 4th of July at the country club. We learned our lesson from Memorial Day and arrived bright and early to secure a lounge chair. By the time we left two hours later, the place was packed - crawling with tiny kiddos. We came back at 8pm to find a spot for the fireworks, and were able to plop down our blanket on the golf course. Ended up basically with front row seats to an awesome show, although it didn't start until 9:30. How all those kids were still awake is beyond me...

Then of course it took forever to get out of there, because there were so many people - but all in all a good time. #worthit

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Whisky River. Any river. Any body of water would be fine.

Survived the concert - 7 hours in the sun with just a slight sunburn is definitely the best case scenario for me - but we were so tired by 9:30 that we only got to hear like three Willie Nelson songs. We got there at 2:30 (concert started at 3) because we wanted to get a good spot to sit and to park. Turns out that was NOT a problem. No one was there. Like closest parking and seats I've ever had in 25 years of going to Starplex. Apparently others were smart and didn't come until 6 to see Avett Brothers, Sheryl Crow and Willie. Good to know for next time. However, I loved Lukas Nelson (Willie's son), Hayes Carll and the Avett Bros - even downloaded some tunes when I got home. For $20, think we got our money's worth. (Plus like $15 for water and freaking $8 for a sno-cone...)

Friday, June 30, 2017

Full Circle



Willie Nelson was my first concert, back when I was 8. I got the tickets in my Christmas stocking, and my dad took my best friend Amy and I. Somehow we had floor seats at Reunion Arena, and it was greatness.

Going to see Willie again on Sunday - this time at the Outlaw Music Festival, also featuring the Avett Brothers and Sheryl Crow. Here's hoping it's equally great (and Willie remembers the words.)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Kevin and Winnie forever

Decided to diverge from my normal bedtime routine of watching Friends on Netflix - now I'm hooked on The Wonder Years. I'm sorry - such greatness.

Particularly the "Stout-Hearted Men" episode:
http://www.yourememberthat.com/media/12049/Wonder_Years_Eighth-Grade_Boys_Choir/#.WVULZjZK3Gg


And yes, I peer particularly closely at Paul Pfeiffer to see if those Marilyn Manson rumors were true.


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Bachelorette recap: Something stinks in Denmark

I liked this headline. Pretty much sums it up.

We land back in no-man's land Norway with Kenny and Lee, and Kenny cannot believe what blatant lies Lee has told Rachel about him. Lee then lies to Kenny's face, denying he said that, and Kenny calls him a snake (again), so when Rachel tells Lee she doesn't trust him and it's time to go, he whines (again) that Kenny is the aggressor. Dude. Let it go. Boy bye.

But Rachel isn't 100% sold on Kenny, either, and they have a chat later in the evening about where they are. She decides he is telling her the truth and gives him the rose.

At the rose ceremony, Rachel shocks Josiah no one when she sends Josiah and Anthony home. Have to say I was surprised Adam and Matt were sticking around, seeing as how they have barely said two words. Oh, and Adam Jr is still lurking around.

Off to Denmark, with a one-on-one date with Eric. He is so smiley and cute, he's a new man! They chat with a couple who has been married for 35 years and even dare try out the public hot tub (complete with naked man - in adjoining tub). Eric admits he didn't feel love from his mother, but wants to with Rachel - and she melts a little and gives him the rose.

On the group date, the guys row a Viking boat and compete in reindeer Viking games - complete with costumes. Adam and Kenny are the last two Vikes standing, and both end up with cuts above their eyes. Not very Viking-like, if you ask me. Later, Rachel and Kenny keep it 100, and she tells him he should go home to his daughter. They part very amicably and Kenny cries for like the 7th time. Peter gets the rose.

Will has the final date, and they sail over to Sweden to complete the Scandinavian trifecta. But there are lots of awkward silences on this date - perhaps because Will only dates white girls?? Bye, Will.

Rachel is a crying mess at the rose ceremony, even quoting Shakespeare - as she bids adieu to our favorite Russkie, Alex. Sad to see him and his suits of many colors go. But I predict an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise...

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Bachelorette recap: Oslo he didn't

It remains the Kenny and Lee show in Hilton Head, but Bryan takes the group date rose following the spelling bee date because he kisses the best, obvi. Kenny confronts Lee about telling Rachel he is "aggressive," but Lee refuses to back down. Kenny whispers that Lee is a bitch, but is convinced he's not being aggressive because he's using his inside voice. All Lee does is stir the pot, and we get the sense that his racist tendencies are coming out. (Why is he even on this show - I guess to promote his singer/songwriter career??) Will even tries to explain that the word "aggressive" has racist connotations, and Lee decides Kenny is playing the "race card." Okay.

Jack Stone, the Dallas attorney who is perfect for Rachel on paper, has his one-on-one date and they shuck (oysters) and shag (dance). But Rachel isn't feeling it - although of course poor Jack is. She finally has to break it down over dinner that the x-factor just isn't there, and he looks like someone killed his cat.

At the rose ceremony, she eliminates the tickle monster (who goes in for a final tickle, to the amusement of the guys) and poor sweaty Iggy. Kenny and Lee remain miffed that the other still remains to taunt them. #thanksproducers

Up next: Oslo! Why not!

Bryan gets the first one-on-one date, and they rappel down a giant ski jump. (I personally would have liked to see them ski off the jump, but whatever.) They kiss, Spiderman-style, while hanging mid-air, and Rachel is a smitten kitten. But she worries - how is this guy 37 and single? What is she missing? He calms her fears by telling her over dinner that he used to be a skinny dork in high school and that he's falling in love with her. BOOM. And rose.

The rest of the guys get a group date to play handball in tight wrestling onesies. The rest of the guys EXCEPT Kenny and Lee, that is. Which means...two-on-one date! #thanksproducers
Kenny video chats with his daughter, which is super adorable, while Lee pumps iron in his cowboy boots. The scene is SET.

On the group date, Will steps up his handball game and Peter just gets handsy with Rachel. She is impressed by all the guys - Will, who tells her how he got dumped around the same time that she did and is just now ready to open up again, Alex, who reads a letter he wrote to her, Josiah with his Trump joke about hand size...but it is handball wizard Will who gets the group date rose.

Finally it's game time. Kenny versus Lee. Two men, one rose - one stays, one (or both?) goes. Lee tells Rachel Kenny put his hands on him. Which is clearly a lie - he would have been kicked off the show - we are left with Rachel asking Kenny about this and a big fat TO BE CONTINUED.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Drop a beat

After sitting in my DVR cue for nearly a year (thanks to a free HBO weekend), I finally watched Straight Outta Compton yesterday.  And found it to be brilliant. I wasn't an NWA fan, but I sort of want to listen to old-school Ice Cube and Dr Dre now...also loved seeing Tupac, Snoop, Suge, etc. I kept having to Wikipedia everyone - could I BE more white??

One interesting tidbit: Dr Dre's net worth is like $800 million. Well played, sir.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Clearly I'm no Agassi

I keep trying to do things at the club to make my membership worth while. I went to a beginner tennis class a few months ago - was the only one who showed up, and after hitting three balls the coach told me I was not a beginner. (Duh, but I never play so want to start from scratch.)

Went back last Saturday and apparently they cancelled that class due to low participation (see above), so the only other beginner class I can (sort of) make is at 5:30 on Wednesdays. (There are a few in the morning for the lucky ladies who don't work, but obvi that's not me.) So I left work a little early and still got there a few minutes late - but it was fun. Only 5 ladies, just drills for an hour.

And I am so sore. Didn't even really PLAY. So sad. Such a disgrace to my family name.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Blessed be the fruit



Was a bit behind, but finally finished the last episode of Handmaid's Tale the other night. And OH. MY. GOD. I am so obsessed. We read this in high school and I was obsessed back then - remember using it in several college essays - but watching the show made me want to re-read it. And wait (im)patiently for season 2.

Also, already looking for a Handmaid's costume for Halloween. Comfy with a message. Doesn't get better than that.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Say cheese

Driving to work this morning, I saw this ad for Mint Dentistry:


I mean, does she even HAVE teeth? This is the strangest ad for a dentist I have ever seen.

(Then again, it got me thinking about the company all the way to work, so perhaps this advertising strategy is working after all?)

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Bachelorette recap: Hooked on Phonics

Rachel is having a rough time. She just got rid of DeMario (again), and now has to deal with guy drama thanks to Lee and Kenny. I will admit that Lee is super creepy and annoying, literally giving Kenny 16 seconds to talk to her and standing right in front of them while they tried to carry on a normal conversation. He likes to pick fights with the other guys, particularly the black guys - and since recent tweets have proven racist, I guess that's his M.O. Awesome.

After a brief (and very real, making me love her more) cry, Rachel pulls herself together enough to kick off Diggy, Bryce and some other guy. The rest are headed to Hilton Head!

Dean gets the first one-on-one date, and they go up in the blimp. She takes the wheel, he is super nervous, but they kiss and the blimp floats past the guys' hotel and flashes "Rachel and Dean 4evah" to make everyone jealous. At dinner, she hopes he will open up a bit and asks about his family. His mother died of breast cancer when he was 15, and he was basically on his own after that. He cries, she tries not to, and instead gives him the rose. They then "stumble upon" a concert by some guy I've never heard of.

The group date is a huge bunch - everyone but Jack who will get the second one-on-one. They are on a boat (cue the music), and with Rachel rocking the captain's hat, limbo and rap contests, it's quite the booze cruise. Peter even jumps into the rap game, impressing her with his white boy skillz - although I'm not sure mentioning farting is very "street." After the boat, there's another test: a spelling bee. Now, some of the words were legit difficult: boutonniere (which took me about four tries, not gonna lie), etc. But words like stunning? Boudoir? Façade? Coitus? (Yes, that was a word. And no, the guy did not get it right.) Come on fellas. Josiah wins on "polyamorous," but by this point he is working the crowd and taking entirely too long and I'm over it.

I also had to giggle when the "champion" received this trophy:
#typo #spellingbeefail

Lee told Rachel Kenny was the aggressor; Kenny said he didn't handle the situation well but Lee was very disingenuous. Let's just put them both in the ring and let them duke it out, shall we?

TO BE CONTINUED

Monday, June 19, 2017

Just hanging at a halfway house, looking to make a deal

So I bought my first item off one of those online garage sales this weekend. And it was certainly an adventure. First of all, the woman posted in the North Dallas group and said she lived in north Dallas. She did not - lived closer to me, in an equally bad area of town. I asked if 1pm on Saturday would work, she said she was free all weekend so that was fine. She messaged me around 10am to confirm, and I said yes, 1pm. I decided to bring my mom with me, just in case, and I'm glad I did. Initially we were waiting in her apartment complex parking lot, but after seeing one sign that said all residents had to be indoors by 10pm, and another that said "no bare skin, no sagging," we opted to go across the street and wait in a shopping center parking lot. We were the only white people there, so were getting some weird stares, but whatever.

I messaged her around 5 til 1 that we were running 10 minutes late, and she said that was fine, as she was heading back from Forney. Um, Forney is not close. She didn't end up arriving until 2pm. ONE HOUR after the time we had arranged. I did end up buying the item (for $40 less than she was asking), but MAN. Being a novice, I have to wonder if this is normal? (I'm sure if you're in the Highland Park one, it's much more of a streamlined experience, but I can't get in that one...)

Oh well - live and learn.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Just in time for the Top Gun sequel

My dad runs this non-profit where they go to army bases and teach tennis to the families living there. Some of his old pro buddies come, and it's a pretty neat deal. Even cooler: this year, they are doing their first event at a naval base, and the tennis lessons will happen on the deck of a freaking air craft carrier!

Kind of like this, but cooler.


My one question: will the ballboys be in scuba gear?

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Get off my lawn!!

People who borrow stuff and never bring it back annoy the crap out of me. We have a cart outside of our office that clearly says "Property of Internal Communications." Anyone is free to use it, just give us the courtesy of letting us know. But it disappeared for a week and was found locked in some random closet. And now, our cooler is gone. Again, just ASK people. Otherwise we're going to have to start bolting things to the floor.

Not sure why, but I blame millennials.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Perhaps still in BIP mourning...I bring you BP

Started watching Bachelor Party for the first time this weekend. Not sure why I never saw it back in the day (although it's fairly racy for a then 8-year-old), and not sure why I randomly decided to watch it now. But Tawny Kitaen?? That was a surprise. Didn't know she could do anything aside from writhe on the hood of a car. Atta girl.

Bonus: the movie is so very 80s. Which makes everything more fun.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Paradise lost

No Bachelorette last night, so I will instead focus my rant on DeMario and Corinne, whose behavior has apparently halted production on my treasured summer trash TV show, Bachelor in Paradise. How dare you. I say again, how dare you. I mean, what else am I going to do this summer - go outside???

In the meantime, this could be yours:


Monday, June 12, 2017

I predict a new trending baby name will be Hippolita

Didn't think I was going to want to see Wonder Woman - not a huge comic book movie fan - but went yesterday and she's a total bad-ass. (And looks stunning doing it.) Some cheesy lines/moments, but all in all an excellent girl power movie.

Side bar: where can I buy her boots???

Friday, June 9, 2017

Peter Cetera, where are you when we need you most?

Went to see a Chicago cover band last night. They were NOT good. Now, Peter Cetera has a voice that is hard to replicate. I get it. But man. we made it through the first set and I couldn't take a butchering of "You're the Inspiration," so we left. Not a "Hard Habit to Break," as it turns out. We could "Look Away." (Okay, I'm done. Plus I don't know any more Chicago songs.)

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Are you listening, Jimmy?

Anyone else think there should be a Comey-themed Mean Tweets on Kimmel? (of course with Comey reading them)

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Visions of dinner rolls danced in my head

Being (temporarily and voluntarily) gluten free is a real pain in the ass sometimes. Like tonight - going to this Italian restaurant that is supposed to be awesome, and basically the entire menu is pizza and pasta (um, obvi). I called to see if anything could be made GF, and the answer was "not much." So everyone else will be digging into a delicious pizza and I'll be over there with my little salad (and no breadsticks), like "hey."

We took communion in church on Sunday, and I couldn't even partake in that. #sorrygod

#funtimes

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bachelorette recap: topless dudes on horseback (almost)

Another week, another few reasons to love Rachel Lindsay more.

She sends DeMario packing, even after he pleads with a "joy and pain" speech about wanting to move forward. She tells him he should move forward - right off the property. BURN! #boybye

Whaboom tells Rachel that Blake stands over him at night while he sleeps, licking a banana. Although Blake denies this, Rachel realizes both of these doofuses are, well, doofuses, and sends them packing. Which leads to the girliest catfight I have ever seen between two men. Neither of them will be getting laid for a while, methinks.

Another one who won't be getting laid but is somehow still around is the tickle monster, Jonathan - who busts out these babies (as modeled by Chris Harrison):


Seriously. He uses this while chatting with Rachel. I would say #facepalm but you could really hurt yourself.

Ready for a fresh start, it's time for a group date with Bryan, Jonathan, Alex, Peter, Will and Fred - on the Ellen show, of course! Ellen makes the guys take their shirts off and give lap dances to the women in the audience - including grandmothers. Alex the Russian makes a good impression, both dancing and playing Never Have I Ever, where three guys admit to kissing Rachel and the other three are left feeling stupid. One of these is poor Fred, who can't seem to break out of the "bad kid at camp" memory for Rachel. So he asks if he can kiss her, and while she rolls her eyes at the awkwardness of that, he goes for it. He is thrilled with the result; Rachel, not so much. She escorts him right out of the building to the exit limo and instead gives the group date rose to Alex. Da!

Anthony gets the one-on-one date, and it involves riding horses down Rodeo Drive. Into stores, on horseback. Of course the horses poop in the stores because that's what they do, but Rachel and Anthony laugh it off and enjoy their new boots and hats and "too glam to give a damn" shirts. #productplug At dinner, Anthony talks about his parents and how he wants to be a good father, and Rachel wants to know more. He gets the rose.

At home, Eric is freaking out a bit, telling everyone he doesn't know how Rachel feels and maybe she's playing a game until she gets what she wants. He's just going to ask her. Iggy tries to calm him down but just gets yelled at. Eric is happy to know he's on the next group date (Iggy is not), along with Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee and Jack. Rachel's posse from Nick's season is back (Corinne, Jasmine, Alexis and Raven), to give her the dirt on who's here for the right reasons. They hear from Bryce and Lee that Eric isn't, but before they can convey the news the guys have to mud wrestle. In front of a huge crowd of rowdy women. Yeah, role reversal!! The guys once again doff their shirts and hit the mud, and after a closely fought finale, Bryce beats Kenny.

Eric manages to get his coveted time with Rachel and asks about her feelings, She reassures him by giving him the group date rose.

But Rachel later tells Eric what Bryce and Lee said, leading him to blow up and deny ever saying anything. Lee thinks Eric needs to know more about life, having never been in love, but Eric doesn't agree. The fight escalates and we're hit with a To Be Continued...

Monday, June 5, 2017

All I know is "don't fall asleep!"

Driving to work this morning, I passed by a business called Concussion Rehabilitation. Do concussions really happen so common that this is necessary? I guess they do - thanks, contact sports.

#wearahelmet #maybeindoors

Friday, June 2, 2017

Don't make me come down there

I don't know why this Paris Climate Accord business has my panties in a bunch, but it does. I mean, every day there's something new and jaw-dropping (how exhausted must reporters be from the daily "breaking news!"??), but this is a new low. And so late last night when I couldn't sleep I decided to let the leaders know how I felt. Via angry tweets, of course. I tweeted Trump, Melania, Ted Cruz and John Cornyn. I know they won't read them, but somehow it made me feel better, like I was doing something. You're welcome, world.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

You just got trivia'd

Played bar trivia last night with a friend, and I was able to contribute a few key answers:

  • D-Day: June 6, 1944
  • VE Day: May, 1945
  • Morpheus in the Matrix was played by Laurence Fishburne
  • "Vacation" the song came out before "Vacation" the movie (yes, this shiz is important)
  • Truman was president at the end of WWII
  • Owen Wilson provided one of the character voices in the movie Cars (which I have never seen, mind you)
  • Lindsey Buckingham sings the "Vacation" movie theme song

Ta daaa! That's a $250K education, folks. My parents would be so proud. (And no, we did not win)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Making a splash, per usual

You know how I was afraid of getting kicked out of the club for bringing my obnoxious float? Well, it was almost for another reason. I hopped into the pool on Monday and my bikini bottoms came down. I am fairly certain a man behind me saw. I quickly pulled them up and swam to the other side. A man over there looked down at me, and I realized a boob had popped out of my top. So a few lessons learned:
1. Be thankful I decided not to go down the slide
2. Wear a one-piece next time
3. You're welcome, fellas

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Bachelorette recap: crazy exes and pants that fit like coke bottles

In this episode, I grew to love Rachel even more.
1. She brought her dog on a date. And that dog had a broken leg.
2. She told a suitor "I'm going to need you to get the fuck out" when his ex/current girlfriend showed up. YAS queen.

But first, some dates. The first group date puts the guys through an obstacle course to see who is "husband material." Some of these obstacles include changing a baby (doll, thank god), putting on a baby bjorn, vaccuming and washing dishes. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are apparently big fans of the show and help facilitate this dumb challenge. And speaking of dumb, Whaboom Lucas wins. He asks Ashton to give him a "whaboom" and Ashton refuses. Thank you sir. Later that evening, Rachel isn't getting a romantical vibe from any of the guys. (No! Jack Stone!) At least, until Dean comes in, blue eyes blazing. She admits to being a little miffed that he beat her to the punch on getting to use "once you go black, you'll never go back," but they laugh and her faith is restored. Whaboom presents her with a nice poem, but Blake apparently lives with Whaboom's ex (and is currently evicting her?), so tells the guys and Rachel that he's not here for the right reasons. He wants Whaboom to be a thing (stop trying to make Fetch happen), and just wants to be on TV. (Um, don't they all??) He even tells Whaboom that he threw him under the bus, and it leads to an annoying white boy fight. Kenny excuses himself at this point and talks to Rachel about his 10-year-old daughter. She is intrigued. But Dean gets the group rose and walks her to her car, where he finally mans up and kisses her - red lipstick be damned.

Peter - he of the matching gap-toothed smile - gets the first one-on-one date, and they jet off to Palm Springs with Rachel's dog Copper in tow. Barkfest looks like the most fun - dogs in the pool, photo booths, dog treats, the works. Peter charms both Rachel and Copper, and they later find a commonality in both having gone to therapy to get better at relationships. He gets the rose, she gets a kiss - and poor Copper gets traumatized by fireworks.

The last group date is a basketball date - featuring Kareem Abdul Jabbar! The black guys are psyched, the white guys are mortified - but everyone is a good sport and even in front of a packed house they have a decent game. (Involving many MANY air balls.) DeMario's team comes up short, but he impresses Rachel with his athleticism. After the game, people hang around to take photos with the Bachelorette. Including Lexi, who identifies herself as DeMario's girlfriend of 7 months. Like current girlfriend. She says he disappeared for a few days and then she saw him on the Behind the Rose special, proposing to Rachel. He still has keys to her house, dammit! Floored, Rachel goes into the locker room and gets DM. All the other guys think this is good news, that he's getting the rose. But no. This is not good news. He sees Lexi and literally says "oooh hey, who is this?" Like "new phone, who dis?" When you know EXACTLY who dis is. Lexi goes off on him and Rachel tries to get his side of the story. The problem: his story keeps changing. He met Lexi a "few times" ago. Then they dated for a few months but he broke up with her in person. Then he doesn't have her keys. Then he mailed her keys back to her. But ooh Lexi has been screenshotting the convos, dude. You are busted. I mean clearly Lexi is crazy. But DM is caught between a rock and a crazy place. And Rachel ain't having it. She sends him home. BOOM.

She breaks the news to the other guys, who are in shock, but man up and show how they handle adversity and how protective they are of her. Group date rose goes to Josiah.

At the cocktail party, DeMario resurfaces and wants to talk to Rachel again because "stuff broke down" and his character was assassinated. Um, alrighty. Chris Harrison tells her it's her choice if she wants to see him. She wants to hear his lame excuse. But first, the rest of the guys empty onto the driveway to protect her honor. TO BE CONTINUED


Friday, May 26, 2017

Are cabana boys included??

The day has finally arrived - Monday, the country club pool opens. The main reason I forked over the cash to join the place. Wonder if they will allow my rose gold swan float...

Could be the shortest membership in history.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Music wormhole

So yesterday at work I was still thinking about the NKOTB concert, and decided to watch some old videos on youtube. (Greatness, btw). Then the NKOTB Behind the Music popped up, so I watched that. And THEN I had to watch the Guns N Roses Behind the Music. Which makes me realize two things:
1. I miss Behind the Music.
2. I need to find more work to do.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Total Package Tour. Done and done.

Last night was fairly awesome. Boyz II Men sounded amazing as ever, Paula Abdul looked amazing as ever (let's be honest, she's not singing), and NKOTB was a great blast from the past. I'm sorry - Jordan Knight is still a total hottie. Is he married? (Because if not, you call me Jordan.)

A few pics from the night:




Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Bachelorette recap: What the Whaboom just happened??

Well, it's back. And Rachel Lindsay may be my favorite bachelorette of all time. Maybe because she's over 30, maybe because she's smart (see you later, litigator) and is actually going back to work (!), maybe because she's a hometown girl - whatever, she's a badass. Not sure why she had to announce that she's engaged before the show even started, but I guess we're happy for her?

Corinne makes a brief appearance, along with Dolphin Shark, Jasmine, Whitney, Raven and Astrid from Nick's season. They all love being on camera Rachel and are here for her sloppy seconds whenever she needs them. We learn Rachel prefers Michael Jackson to Prince, and NYSNC to BSB. (Told ya she's awesome)

Let's dig in to the important stuff - the dudes vying for her affections.

Peter: cute, from Wisconsin, hopes she won't hold that against him (since that's where Nick is from). They have matching gap-toothed smiles. I am glad he doesn't mention that to her. Rose.

Josiah: prosecutor whose brother hung himself at a young age due to being bullied for being overweight. Josiah acted out, got arrested at 12 and then turned his life around. A contender here folks, but he knows it. A tad overly confident. Rose.

Bryan: Spanish-speaking, French-kissing chiropractor from Miami who gets the first impression rose. My first impression is his kissing style is scary. Rose.

Kenny, aka "Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King" the wrestler: has a 10-year-old daughter and knows a thing or two about "rings." (Get it?) Rose.

Rob: law student who has a draft card made with Rachel's picture on it. No rose.

Iggy: Not sure if he's Hispanic or Native American, but he is "genuinely and authentically happy to be there." Rose.

Bryce: Firefighter who literally sweeps her off her feet. Rose.

Will: Does an awkward Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle bit. Rose.

Diggy: A front-runner for me, maybe just because I "dig" his style. He has like 500 pairs of sneakers, folks. Rose.

Kyle: says he wants to shoe Rachel his buns and busts out a basket of bread. No rose.

Blake K: Personal trainer who talks an awful lot about sex and his penis size. Methinks he doth protest too much. No rose.

Brady: brings in a block of ice and a sledgehammer, a la Frozen, to "break the ice." Hey-oh! Rose.

Dean: trying to recover from saying "I'm ready to go black and never go back" on national TV. Rose.

Eric: don't remember much about him except he wore a tan suit. Rose.

DeMario: possibly not here for the "right reasons" and is super confident. Rose.

Blake E: comes with his own marching band. Rose.

Fred: apparently Rachel was Fred's camp counselor back in the day, and it did not go well. Rose.

Jonathan: Lists his job as "tickle monster." Enough said. Rose.

Lee: the token singer/songwriter who jumps out of the limo strumming his guitar. Rose.

Alex: vacuums. Not sure why. Rose.

Milton: purrs. Not sure why. No rose.

Adam: brings along "Adam Jr.", a very creepy doll who speaks French and who disgusts Rachel. Rose (for Adam, not AJ)

Matt: dressed as a penguin. Because they mate for life. I personally feel he is a better match for Dolphin/Shark. Rose.

Grant: arrives via ambulance to save the day. No rose. (cue flatline......)

Anthony: no clue who this is. Rose.

Jamey: no clue who this is. Rose.

Jack Stone: not sure why we need his last name, but this fellow Dallasite lawyer is HOT. Rose.

Mohit: Bollywood dancer who gets wasted. No rose.

Jedidiah: surgeon in a vest. No rose.

Michael: no clue who this is. No rose.

Lucas: Whaboom guy. This is his job, this is his catchphrase, this is on his tank top. This makes no sense and he is 100% cringe-worthy. Which is why producers will be keeping him around. Rose.


And so it begins...






Monday, May 22, 2017

Memorial Day

Went to this "Americana" concert at my church last night - the best part was when the orchestra played each of the armed forces fight songs, and they encouraged any vets to stand during their respective song so we could "salute" them and wave little American flags. So many little old men (and a few ladies!!) stood up, most knew the songs by heart, and it was just about the sweetest thing ever. Greatest generation, indeed.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Most Likely to Succeed

So my mom has been back in Dallas for 6 months (but who's counting), and is already dating someone. Granted, it's her high school boyfriend (Hillcrest class of '69!), so there's history there, but still. I have been here forever and nada. And my across-the-street neighbors reunited at their 50-year reunion and have been married for several years. So you're saying there's a chance. In like 25 years. I won't hold my breath I guess.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Serving it up

This looks so good to me. (Also, how can someone as stunning as Emma Stone look so much like Billie Jean? No offense BJK.)

http://variety.com/2017/film/news/battle-of-the-sexes-trailer-emma-stone-billie-jean-king-video-watch-1202428850/



Tuesday, May 16, 2017

My kinda town

So excited - I'm going to Chicago for the first time this summer to see Hamilton (!!!) for my 40th. We're also going to Second City, and I'm sure there will be some typical Chi-town touristy additions (the bean! deep dish pizza! sky deck! etc.). Because you know. We ARE tourists. And dare I say I'm flying United. (Hey - nobody's perfect.)

Monday, May 15, 2017

Preach!

Went to the "world famous" gospel brunch at House of Blues with my mom yesterday for Mother's Day. The gospel part was great; the brunch part, not so much. First of all, it normally costs $75 per person. (I bought a Groupon for $30 per person, thank goodness.) We initially got sat in the middle of a table on the far right, sitting across from each other with my back to the stage. This did NOT sit well with my mom, who huffed and rolled her eyes enough that one of the servers showed us to a little table for two which was perfect. And the food wasn't all that great, either. Now granted, I wasn't expecting there to be a lot of gluten free options. But maybe some yogurt or something? $30 bought me grapes, honeydew and a few veggies. Although I guess you're paying for the show. And that was worth it. My mom didn't go up on stage, but lots of moms did - and they even took the mic and sang! Good lord. Literally.

Friday, May 12, 2017

PYT

I'm sure I have mentioned before my love of cover bands/tribute bands. One of the best? Who's Bad. Saw them on a whim at the House of Blues many years ago, and they have blown up since then and I've tried to see them whenever they come to town. (Bonus: they're from Chapel Hill!)

How do I love them? Let me count the ways...

  • Not just one, but TWO Michaels
  • Outfit changes
  • Jackson 5
  • Beat It gang fight/dance
  • Moonwalk
  • Thriller dance
  • Man in the Mirror finale
I mean. It's just so great. I do wonder if you would get tired of playing MJ night after night, year after year - but I guess if you're in a tribute band, you have to really commit to the role.

Shmon.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

DIRTy job

My company has a volunteer month in June where the company pays for employees to take a half-day and volunteer in their local communities. I oversee this program globally, and am very involved in the planning for the Dallas office. We try to hit all the "hot-button" issues - kids, animals, the environment, vets, the elderly, the homeless, etc. One of our events is taking place at a VA hospital, and they want us to paint outdoor furniture and help with some landscaping. No biggie, right? Wrong. They have asked us to bring 4 yards of top soil. Which equals about 75 bags. Um, what? As if I have the arm strength or the trunk space for that kind of haul. Wondering if we're getting a little taken advantage of here - we'll only be there for three hours! I think the outdoor furniture painting is plenty. Sheesh.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The End of Democracy: A Lifetime TV Movie

You know, all this shit going on would make for an excellent movie. Although writers probably wouldn't be able to get it past producers because it's so UNBELIEVABLE. And yet, it's happening. Trippy.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Game night, anyone??

I just bought this card game called Trumped Up Cards - it's like a Donald Trump version of Cards Against Humanity (apropos, no?). The whole thing is so tongue in cheek it's great. From the cover of the box that says "World's Biggest Deck" to the "wall" that is printed on the back of the instructions to the two ways to win: "Big League" where you spell out the words VOTE (unless the others can spell out VETO, haha), or "Lightweight," where everyone just starts quietly crying because Trump is the president, so game over.

Plus, all proceeds go to charities that are getting defunded. #brilliant

Monday, May 8, 2017

Thanks for nothing, spell check

Whoa that was close. I sent an email to my co-worker about our Derby Day hat contest we had on Friday, asking her to glance it over before I sent it to the entire office. She said everything looked great, so I was gearing up to send and noticed that the subject of the email said "Derby Day HATE contest!" Thank god I happened to notice that. It's all fun and games until I send out a hate-filled email.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Dreamweaver

I had several dreams last night involving "pre-existing conditions." Clearly I'm watching the news too much. Bring back the puffy clouds and unicorns.

Also: regarding "Dreamweaver," anyone remember this program? Does it even still exist? I had to make my very first website on Dreamweaver in grad school. (Yes, I am old.) The subject of said website? Britney Spears. Sigh.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

And so it begins.

Well, about two months to 40 and I found wrinkles. Note: I already HAD wrinkles. But I found NEW wrinkles. These are like folds of skin by my ears. Which would take like a backwards face lift to remove, I assume. Check it:

See that?? Right to the right of my earring?? Ew. Guess I better start getting used to this. Sigh.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Mmmm tastes like...cardboard

Not sure what's more unbelievable: that there is still a "rice cakes" section of the grocery store (like literally it's printed on the sign), or that I am currently eating one. Go gluten free, people. It's a good time for everyone.

#bringbacksnackwells

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Alexa: be my friend?

I bought an Echo Dot a few weeks ago, and I'm semi-obsessed with it. Particularly with "talking" to Alexa. She tells jokes. She gives advice. She warns about traffic. She plays my fave 80s tunes. (And that's all I've discovered thus far - I'm sure there's lots more she is capable of.)

It's like a 2000s version of My Buddy/Kid Sister. Which were truly terrifying to look at:




Monday, May 1, 2017

THT (yeah you know me)

OMG how good is The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu?? I was in love with this book in high school, but I'm embarrassed to admit I had kind of forgotten what it was about. Well, now I want to read it all over again. Obsessed. And horrified. But mostly obsessed.

Friday, April 28, 2017

How low can you bingo

Apparently I'm a pretty decent Bingo caller. I even had some (admittedly lame) Bingo jokes:

  • "I-35. Like the highway!"
  • "B-12. The vitamin!"
Okay that was all my jokes. When calling out an N number, someone did ask if I said "N" or "M," so I politely had to remind them that it was spelled B-I-N-G-O, not B-I-M-G-O.

Good times had by all, clearly.



Thursday, April 27, 2017

Booze clues

I went on the Express website yesterday because it has been YEARS since I've shopped there and I wanted to see what I was missing. Clearly, I was missing a hangover. Here is just a sampling of t-shirts for sale:

Every. Single. One mentions alcohol. Now, I'm no prude - I enjoy a mimosa as much as the next gal. But this seems a bit excessive and offensive. All we're good at is drinking? Hey, girls - here's an idea: put down the bottle and get a job. #generationgap #backtotalbots

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A young Keanu and Joaquin? Sign me up!

Watched Parenthood last night. The movie from the 80s, not the recent TV series it was based on. Both were excellent; but man the movie brings back such fond memories (particularly because I can quote most of it by heart). And scenes like this crack me up, mostly because my brother used to run around with a bucket on his head as well:


#theyrenotstolentheyreputaway

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Why-ee indeed

I want to go see the Backstreet Boys in Vegas this summer, so I have been listening to them on my iPod recently. (Okay, I don't need an excuse. I just like them, okay??) And I've realized they have their own little dialect happening.

On "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)," they sing "everybah-day-ah" instead of just "everybody"

On "I Want it That Way," it's "tell me why-eee" instead of just "tell me why"

What IS that? Then again, NSYNC had "it's gonna be MAY," so maybe it's a boy band thing. We may never know.

Monday, April 24, 2017

I dig gardening. (See what I did there??)

Y'all. My vegetable garden. Has overtaken my yard. Check it:

What you're looking at are tomatoes, lettuce, peppers, spinach, cucumbers, carrots and snap peas (the giant monstrosity in the middle). Everything except the tomato I planted from seeds, so it's super rewarding (and I realize a sound like a super nerd). Anyone need any veggies? Ain't no way I can eat all of this. #farmersmarketinmydriveway

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Car Smell: An Update

In an effort to eliminate the gasoline odor in my car (going on three weeks now; I think I am immune to it which is even scarier), I read white vinegar helps. One bottle of vinegar later, I bet you can guess what my car smells like now. Not sure which is worse, honestly. Next up: coffee beans. STAT.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Single White Female

As I mentioned, my mom is currently living with me. Although it's going well, there are certain things she does that drive me bananas. And when I write them out, I look like I'm insane.

  • Flips light switches so they are in the "on" position when the lights are off and vice versa
  • Keeps moving the sponge from it's "spot" on the left side of the sink to the right
  • Doesn't believe in leaving the front porch light on
  • Watering the yard for 45+ minutes
But really, 4 ain't so bad. (I'm sure there are plenty more; these were just top-of-mind.)

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Fiery

Went to my first polo match on Saturday out in the middle of nowhere (but hey - great excuse to wear a hat!). Five minutes in, my feet starting burning and I looked down and was covered in fire ants. Which bit no one else, mind you. 6 bites later, I can barely walk because they're between my toes and right where my shoes hit. So flip flops it is this week. Sorry, work peeps.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Easter fail

Went to church on Easter (along with thousands of others - my church even offered shuttles for parking). It was lovely, until leaving and I grabbed an Easter lily off the windowsill of the sanctuary. (We had purchased one in honor of my grandmother and everyone was taking them, so this in itself was not a sin.) What WAS a sin: the fact that the lily I grabbed was tangled with the one next to it, and the second one came tumbling down and almost hit the little old lady behind me. Dirt went everywhere and it was all super embarrassing. I got the hell out of there. (And yes, I realize I shouldn't use hell and church in the same story, but whatev.)

Friday, April 14, 2017

And Bingo was his name-o


We're playing Bingo at work today. For the first time in my life, I get to be a Bingo caller. I may or may not have practicing my best "I-18. N-3." Of course, with it being Good Friday I might be both caller and only player, but at least the prizes are decent. And if my calling skills are also decent, I will next start practicing my best auctioneer calls. Or perhaps square dance calling comes first? I don't want to hurt myself.


Thursday, April 13, 2017

Alk-aholic

So I have been going to an acupuncturist. I think it's all hooey, but have heard it can actually be helpful so what the eff. The first day, she had me stick out my tongue and she told me just by looking at it that I was too acidic. I needed to eat more acidic foods to get my body more pH-balanced and alkaline. (Yes, it's confusing that eating a lemon can make you more alkaline, but whatever.) So I've been trying really hard, taking these barley pills, drinking green tea and eating even healthier than I already did - and still testing acidic. So I desperately went on Amazon and bought Alkalife drops that go in your water, and after only a week I'm in the right pH zone. Weird and who KNOWS what I'm putting in my body, but for some reason it makes me feel better that I actually accomplished something. Bring on the lemon squares.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Good morning, Charlie

Just re-watched Charlie's Angels last night - come on. That's good stuff right there. Plus, I now have the Destiny's Child song (Independent Women Part I) stuck in my head. And now you do too.



(Also good stuff? My finally figuring out how to add GIFs to the blog. #soold)

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

I'll just stick with Cat in the Hat

More musings after spending time with a baby:

If you really think about nursery rhyme/kid song lyrics, it can get weird. For example:

It's raining; it's pouring.
The old man is snoring.
He went to bed and bumped his head,
And didn't wake up the next morning.

So what are we saying here - he died?

Then of course there's

Three blind mice, three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run,
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a thing in your life,
As three blind mice?

This is just gross.

And the creepiest:

Ring-a-round the rosie,
A pocket full of posies,
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down.

Because what nursery-age child doesn't want to learn about the Bubonic Plague. Truly.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Counting sheep in a totally different way

Drove to Austin on Saturday to go see my adorable nephew, and two things caught my eye while driving down 35: the gorgeous wildflowers, and a pick-up truck carrying like 6 lambs in the back. The bed was open, and the lambs were standing in this big cage. The guy was going like 80, and the poor little guys must have been terrified. (They were probably going to be slaughtered, which only adds to the terror I'm sure.) They were all huddled together in one corner - I wondered if they took turns on who had to stand on the outside and bear the brunt of the wind. I felt so bad for them - I didn't want to drive behind him because I was afraid he would hit a pothole and the cage would pop open and lambs would come flying out onto the highway. If I had a bigger car I would have pulled up next to the guy and offered to buy one. Next time, lambs. Next time.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Blah-g.

You know your blog is completely pointless and frivolous when you see a blog like this:

https://julieyipwilliams.wordpress.com/2017/04/06/paralysis/



I mean, good grief. This woman is amazing.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

80s summer to the max

Didn't get to go on the 80s Cruise (this is still super bucket list, btw), so instead I am filling my summer with 80s concerts. Better pop the collar and get out the neon clothes...

  • NKOTB/Boys II Men/Paula Abdul
  • Foreigner/Cheap Trick
  • Tears for Fears/Hall and Oates
  • Cutting Crew/Wang Chung/Berlin/Tommy Tutone/Spandau Ballet
  • Howard Jones/Men Without Hats/Modern English/Katrina & the Waves

Like, totally guys.


Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Is there a doggie cardiologist in the house?


Took Charlie to the vet on Saturday for her mid-year shots, and learned that she has a heart murmur. The vet wasn't too worried about it, but said it's common in older dogs. She's only 6!! (Unless the shelter lied to me when I got her and maybe she's like 12.) I just have to watch to make sure there aren't signs of congenital heart failure. She is acting totally normal, but of course I bawled my eyes out and I'm spoiling her even more than I already was. #sorrynotsorry

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

University of National Champions

So I was right: not going to the Final Four = UNC wins. So happy for them - they needed redemption from last year, and they got it. Having witnessed both, I can safely say winning>losing.






Monday, April 3, 2017

Don't light a match. No, seriously - don't.

I needed to fill my red gas container (I'm sure there's a word for this; I don't know what it is) for my lawnmower, so I took it in the car to the gas station over the weekend. Epic mistake - guess the lid wasn't screwed on tight enough and my crazy driving caused it to topple over and now my car REEKS of gasoline. I left the windows down all weekend, stuck a cup of coffee grounds in there overnight, and NADA. Not sure what else to do aside from selling the car.

(Kidding. Sort of.)

Friday, March 31, 2017

Bless.

1. Sad about the lost dog
2. Even sadder about the spelling of "neutered"

Thursday, March 30, 2017

The never, the never, the almost never and North Carolina

So we're in the Final Four (again). But I'm not going this year - mostly because I don't want to be stuck somewhere (namely, Phoenix) if we lose on Saturday. Going to Final Fours in Texas is great - you can just drive home if need be. But to be stuck out there for three more days would be brutal. I'm not the kind of fan who would go watch the final even if (North) Carolina wasn't in it. Sorry not sorry. I'm going to be sad, and I'm going to want to go home.

Now all this being said, if we WIN and I'm not there, I will also be sad. And since whenever I go, they lose, they will probably win the whole damn thing. You're welcome, Tar Heel Nation.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

LinkedIn Love??

Yesterday was my 6-year work anniversary, and several people reached out on LinkedIn to say congratulations. Many people I don't even know - perhaps I shouldn't accept every friend request?

But I also got this one this morning:


Well now. I don't know this guy, but maybe I should??


Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Better than ear wax, I suppose

So I survived the Color Run - it was less colorful than I expected. Basically people in each of the "color stations" dump colored chalk on you as you run by. I did get hit pretty hard in the pink station - two big blobs in my hair and one in my ear. To the point that, 4 days and 4 showers later, I still get pink on my Qtip when I clean my ears. Pretty!

Monday, March 27, 2017

I gave her my heart, she gave me...shoes

On Friday I went to watch the UNC game, and met UNC alum Jesse Holley. He played both football and basketball for UNC, even playing on the 2005 national championship team. He then played pro football for the Bengals and the Cowboys, and lives in Little Elm. I will be honest - didn't really know who he was before. But he was so fun and personable - willing to take pictures with everyone, chatting and letting people (ahem, ME) wear his championship ring - that I have a newfound crush. I wore my UNC Chuck Taylors (not really Chucks, but they look like them), and he said if they had them in a size 12 he would wear them. So what do I do? Get on my phone and buy him a pair. $70 shoes for a guy I just met. Clearly I have been single for too long. I had to get his home address to ship the shoes, so I'm sure when he gets them (if he doesn't think it's like an explosive device or something) he will be super weirded out.

Annnnnd scene.


Friday, March 24, 2017

Taste the rainbow

Doing the Color Run tomorrow. I've never run it before, and it looks like a blast. A blast of color, that is. I'm honestly wondering if my shoes/interior of my car will be ruined, so I might bring a towel to sit on on the way home. Someone even told me to put leave-in conditioner in my hair so it doesn't stain?? Luckily I have a hair appt tomorrow afternoon so she can deal with it. A little unicorn color never hurt anyone, right?

Speaking of unicorns, I must learn to make rainbow grilled cheese. I am OBSESSED. And I don't even like grilled cheese.


Thursday, March 23, 2017

Can't believe it's not gutter

So I joined a bowling league with friends in an effort to be social  - although for $65 I would have expected actual bowling shirts, not sad t-shirts - and I am absolutely awful. Worst on the team. Last night I did get two strikes, but this other guy got 6 in a row in the first game and 8 out of 10 the second game. Alrighty then. If anyone needs me, I'll be at the snack bar.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

One more basketball post. Sorry.

I thought March Madness was widely known, but maybe not so much in Texas? On Friday, we hosted a March Pat-ness happy hour at a local sports bar, and when I arrived to set up none of the TVs had the games on. I had to ask the bartender to change the channels, and he had to ask me what channels those were. (Thankfully, they had DirecTV so I spouted them off quickly.)

On Sunday, we went to the club to watch the UNC game. Newsletters and weekly emails indicated there would be March Madness parties, including game schedules and times, so we arrived all decked out in our Carolina finery to find a few tables of dudes watching golf. Again, had to ask the bartender to change the channel, and again, he had no idea what I was talking about or what channel he needed. (Again, yay DirecTV!)

Then yesterday, my boss popped her head in to see how the happy hour went, and asked if I should go turn on the games in the break room. I had to inform her that there were not any games again until Thursday.

DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Or should I just move to basketball country.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

A Tuesday without a Bachelor post is like a fish without water

...not sure what to do with myself, really. It was nice having that time back last night (and this morning, when I would normally be recapping) - I instead devoted my energies to more impressive habits: watching other shows on TV. My three new obsessions:
  • Imposters
  • The Arrangement
  • Feud: Bette vs Joan
Yes, my life is Just. That. Interesting.


Monday, March 20, 2017

Annnnnd breathe

GAH. That game was a little too close for comfort last night. (Since MOST games were close, I'll be more specific - UNC v Arkansas). I went from feeling great about life to wanting to hurt someone to reading the obituaries because I simply couldn't watch anymore to joyously jumping up and down when UNC pulled out the win.

And this roller coaster is perfectly summarized here:


http://m.goheels.com/mobile/ViewArticle.dbml?atclid=211527918&DB_OEM_ID=3350&


(NOTE: Somehow I am still in first place in the bracket. Guess everyone picked as badly as I did??)

Friday, March 17, 2017

Queen of Madness

Still tied for first in my office bracket pool. I am never first in these things. I'm sure things will go rapidly downhill after today's games, but for now I will sit back on my throne and enjoy.

(also, damn you Florida Gulf Coast. If you had won I would be perfect right now!! #dunkcity)

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Lick it up, baby - lick it up!

I've decided I need to invest in a croquet set for my backyard. To complete my Heathers transformation. #goals


Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Back to the drawing board

It's a sad day when you run out of your favorite night cream, only to learn that it has been discontinued. (However, it can still be found on Amazon for $100+. It's Burt's Bees, people. Worth about $8.) Had I known, I would have pulled an Elaine Benes and stockpiled (a la sponges). But no. RIP, carrot nutritive night crème. I will miss you.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Bachelor recap: crossing the Finnish line

Thank god that's over, amiright? ABC blows the budget and flies Nick's enormous family to Finland to meet the final two ladies. Many have already met Raven, including little sis Bella, who's a big fan. But Vanessa makes a good impression as well, causing Nick's dad to tear up. She clearly still has some doubts, but meeting his family makes her fall more in love with him. She even says she'd be willing to leave behind everything she knows in Montreal for him. #kissofdeath

The ladies each have another one-on-one date with Nick: Vanessa has a magical day of horseback riding through the snow in Lapland, ending up where else? Santa's house! This is not a joke, people. Santa comes out and asks what they want for Christmas. And producers make Vanessa say something like "Santa Claus is more of a feeling, a belief. That's like my relationship with Nick." Alrighty. She also tells Nick she doesn't want to win just because Raven doesn't quite cut it - she wants to be his one and only. He just can't confess this to her yet, because there's another date on the line!

Raven and Nick ice skate to "Kiss Me" and the date is complete with husky puppies. Damn you, Nick. Can't say no to puppies. Raven is living in the here and now and is cool with uncertainty, unlike Vanessa - way to pick two polar opposites, producers Nick!

But clearly Nick prefers more of a challenge, for he sends Raven back to Hoxie and proposes to Vanessa. Since he's now doing Dancing with the Stars and she literally lives in another country, I give this 6 months.

At the After the Final Rose, I am half-expecting Raven to come out wielding a stiletto, but she's perfectly genteel. As a reward, Chris Harrison invites her to Paradise. As long as Corinne will be there too, I'm in.

'Til next time..

Monday, March 13, 2017

It's Madness, I tell ya

A few thoughts post Selection Sunday:
  • UNC has been a 1 seed more than any other school. Not saying we necessarily deserve it this year, but membership has its benefits, and I'll take it.
  • SMU is in. They may not be happy with their seed, but they're in. Now play to show everyone you deserve higher.
  • LOVE Northwestern and their reaction to getting in for the first time. #adorbs Plus Julia Louis-Dreyfus' son plays for them and she posted a pic of Elaine dancing (Seinfeld), and it was everything
  • Syracuse got robbed
I may or may not have already filled out my bracket, and may or may not have predicted a Nova-UNC rematch in the final game. With a different outcome, of course...

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Is it just me, or do I sort of look like Jesus

Snapchat can be a scary thing.



Can I get an AMEN

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

To who, to whom

Took this grammar quiz the other day, and although I thought I guessed on a couple, I was thrilled to learn that I scored a 25/25. So I passed it on to my co-worker. She also thought some of the questions were tough, but she also scored a 25/25. Interesting. Went home and told my mom about it - she said she took the quiz as well, and ALSO got a 25/25. As did my aunt. And another friend on Facebook. What are the odds??

Find out for yourselves:

http://teacherprobs.com/can-you-get-a-2525-on-this-advanced-grammar-test/

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Bachelor recap: TEAM RACHEL

I love Rachel so much, guys. So excited she will be the next Bachelorette. Her dress at the rose ceremony? My favorite ever. But first, Raven and her orgasms. Dear god, this again? Nick leaves their fantasy suite, and Raven announces she is completely "satisfied." Followed by a super cheesy montage of a super-smiley Raven making snow angels, patting dogs and having basically her Best Day Ever. Ew.

Rachel's date is next, and they feed reindeer and have a romantic evening in which she finally lets down her walls to tell him she's falling in love with him. He says he's falling for her too - cue the fantasy suite!

Vanessa has another rough date that tests her limits - jump into a freezing lake and then spring through the snow in your skivvies to a warm sauna. And back again. Fun times! She has some tough questions for Nick - is her traditional family too much? Would he move to Canada? Not sure he really answered any of these (he mutters), but she accepts the fantasy suite invite anyway.

At the rose ceremony, Rachel gets the snow-boot (it IS Finland, after all), and has to walk to the exit limo sans parka. Poor thing is crying, thinking she didn't do enough or tell him how she felt soon enough. Methinks she's going to be just fine.

At the Women Tell All, we hear from Taylor, who cries a bunch and demands an apology from Corinne for messing up her career (she never gets one). Corinne is apparently more well-liked than I imagined by the rest of the ladies, and says she never badmouthed anyone on the show and came off a bit more promiscuous than she intended. (ya think??) Plus, she handed out "cheese pasta" to everyone - the one dish she can make herself. I did enjoy the audience members with "Make America Corinne Again" and "Emotional Intelligence is My Jam" t-shirts. Plus posters saying "I want a Raquel," who is apparently not a nanny but Corinne felt "house-keeper" was too demeaning. Okie dokie.

Kristina makes everyone cry with her Russian orphan story, and inspires everyone including Chris Harrison, who wonders what he is doing with his life. I was hoping to hear from widow Danielle M, but it was time for Nick to face the music. He had never attended a Men Tell All since he was always in the final two, so was psyched to be there. Until he got tough questions from Kristina and Dominique - why did he keep women who were against what he said he was looking for? Why would he let someone go who he had chemistry with?? Cue the blooper reel, stat! (Was that a political comment from Chris Harrison who said, "America needs this right now."??)

Finally, Rachel comes out to huge applause. She giggles over the audience member dressed as a shark-dolphin (shout-out, Alexis) and says how humbled she is to tackle this responsibility. The other ladies are absolutely thrilled for her, and you can tell they truly like and respect her (and want her sloppy seconds). I honestly don't like Raven or Vanessa, so don't care much about next week's finale. Bring on Rachel!

Monday, March 6, 2017

Hopefully they at least keep score the same way

Went to a beginner tennis clinic on Saturday at the "club." I was the only one who showed up, so it became a private lesson. The instructor was totally nice and after three balls said I was not a beginner. (Duh, but I could obviously use some instruction.) My backhand was "perfect," but everything else needed some tweaking. Basically I was playing "1980s tennis." Uh, thanks dad. Apparently tennis has changed a bit over the years? I wasn't even wearing the right shoes, which the instructor also told me. And he gave me a racket to use, because the one I brought which my dad sent was for "old ladies." Okay, okay I get it. Clearly my game could use a tune-up.

As could my physical fitness - I am so sore today I can barely move. (I also stupidly ran a 5K that day, so that's two sports that I never play rolled into one. Awesome.)

Friday, March 3, 2017

New chapter, same old book

So I went out with my first non-white guy last weekend. I am SO with the times, no? (No. Nobody says "with the times" anymore.) Not sure why it took so long - he was very nice and I thought we had a good time. Of course, I never heard back from him, but I'm still proud of myself for getting out there and giving it a try. Cool points: 5; Romance points: 0.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Great tunes and no seasickness! Win-win!

I have been following a band called Yacht Rock Revue for a few years now. They are based in Atlanta, so they never play here, but they are all young guys who wear bellbottoms and leisure suits and play soft rock classics from the 70s-80s. (Think Fleetwood Mac, Paul Simon, Chicago, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Christopher Cross...) Sheer genius, if you ask me. They finally came to town last weekend and it was brilliant. I am now 100% obsessed and plan to travel to see them perform again. And apparently they even play on some rock cruise. Make that LIGHT rock cruise. I am soooo there.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Bluebloods

You know you get too much blood work done when the random dude at LabCorp recognizes you from your veins.


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Bachelor recap: Start polishing that platinum vagine for Paradise, baby

It was only an hour last night, but it was chock-full of sex and sexual innuendo. Thanks, ABC. (Also, thanks for making next week THREE FREAKING HOURS. Dear lord.)

Andi appears at Nick's door for no apparent reason, except to give herself some air time. Nick mentions a few times that the last time he saw her, she dumped him. Cue awkward laughs. Nick gets how she felt, though, and doesn't want to get engaged just because he's the Bachelor and doesn't want to pick the last one standing just because she's the last one standing. Um, that's the point of the show, but whatevs.

We head to the rose ceremony, and finally Corinne is sent home. She bursts into tears, then falls fast asleep. I have no doubt we have not seen the last of her or her nanny Raquel - see Bachelor in Paradise.

The final three ladies head to "romantic Finland!" Okaaaaay. Not the first place I think of when I think romance, but the reindeer are cool and the snow is pretty and DAMN are those the Northern Lights?? Sold. Raven gets the one-on-one date, and she makes sure to tell Nick that she loves him. And tries to convince him pants don't need pleats. Over dinner, she accepts the fantasy suite card, but informs Nick (and millions of viewers, likely including her sweet deep south parents) that not only has she only had sex with one other person, but she has never had an orgasm.

GAME ON. Nick jumps from the table so quickly I can't believe he didn't spill his drink, and they trudge through the snow to make passionate love spend a quiet evening alone yet fully dressed.

TO BE CONTINUED

Monday, February 27, 2017

And the Oscar goes to...who knows?

The first thing I thought when I heard about the Oscars mess-up: Trump is going to tweet about this now as a "total disaster." We don't need to give him any more ammunition, peeps. I watched the awards show this morning while working out, and here are my thoughts:

Jimmy Kimmel did a great job. Just enough political jokes without beating us over the head with it. The Matt Damon thing is always funny, as are Mean Tweets. And the people from the star tours were hilarious.

Viola Davis is amazing, and so is NASA's Katherine Johnson.

Best dressed: Hailee Steinfeld
Runner-up: Emma Stone (at the show; her after-party look was terrible)

I'm sure everyone cares what I think. You're welcome.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Tell Buffy and Mitzi I'll meet them at the club

Well, I did it. I joined a damn country club. It's really the first one I've ever belonged to, although I grew up going to T Bar M (because my dad worked there), but that was more of a tennis club than a country club. It's all about the country club, people. The Dallas Athletic Club is right around the corner from my house, and although it has two golf courses, I'm joining for the tennis/pool/athletic facilities. They have live bands and a Fourth of July celebration, plus a wine club (!) and fancy brunches. The day I went to take a tour they were hosting some golf tournament, and I realized THAT was where all the men are. Good grief. It's possible this is what has been missing from my life. Now to buy some sweaters to tie around my neck. Because that's what you DO at the club, duh.


NOTE: I am actually not a full member yet. They are voting in next week's board meeting. And considering I had to submit a photo, letters of recommendation AND get a current member to "sponsor" me, I'm having major sorority rush flashbacks. Good times.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Skipping my Wheaties for a while

As of Monday, I am gluten free. Don't think I necessarily have a gluten allergy, but figured it can't hurt. I don't eat much bread or pasta anyway, and I don't drink beer - no biggie, right? Well, sort of right. I have already had dreams/nightmares that I am eating Frosted Mini-Wheats, only to realize they have gluten and I have to spit them out. Who knew this was in my subconscious?? (I DO love Frosted Mini-Wheats.) I also can't use my regular salad dressing because it has soy sauce in it, and had to buy gluten free soy sauce. But otherwise it hasn't been so bad. Of course, it's only day four.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

My new Hollywood BFF

...just kidding. But Joanna Cassidy - of Odd Mom Out and Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead fame - has been liking all of my Instagram posts lately. I mean, WHAT?? But I'll take it. I loved Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Bachelor recap: Nanny Raquel!!

All four remaining girls get a hometown date, much to the relief of Corinne - and much to OUR relief, for that means we get to meet Raquel.

But first up is Raven's hometown of Hoxie, Alabama. They go fourwheelin', get "caught" by the police who ends up being her brother, and make out in what can only be described as a swamp. Ew.



Raven's parents live in a home with a "Go Hogs!" wreath, so you already know what you're getting into. But Raven is shocked to hear that her daddy is cancer free, setting up a tearful yet sweet evening ahead.

Nick next heads to Dallas (shout-out!) to meet Rachel's family, but she first takes him to her mostly black church. It's pretty great - lots of singing and clapping and Nick asks if he should sit or stand. Bless his heart.


At her mother's house, we learn that her older sister is married to a white guy (who looks quite a bit like Nick, just saying), but the conversation always steers toward race. Nick holds his ground, saying he is attracted to the woman Rachel is, not what she looks like.

Nick heads to meet Corinne's family, but she first takes him shopping and buys him a $3000 outfit. He breaks into hives, but she's loving it. And she's loving him -and tells him so. But now we have to meet the family - her dad seems like he could be part of the Greek mafia, and sweet Raquel is part of the family (while serving them like a maid). Her father makes everyone cheers with olives, and tells Nick that Corinne just may be the breadwinner. Opa!!

Finally, Nick heads to Montreal to speed-learn French and Italian, apparently. He first meets Vanessa's special ed class, who are just about the sweetest people you've ever seen. They all make a scrapbook together, and there are lots of "je t'aimes" floating around.

We have to hit Vanessa's family in two parts, since her parents are divorced and don't get along very well (PREACH!). First up is her mother's huge and intimidating Italian family - the older sister says she will hate him if he hurts her, the mother says she wants to protect her, and the brother doesn't want her to get hurt again. Would like to know more about the last relationship, but whatever. They also grill him about living conditions - would he move to Canada? Nick says they haven't really discussed it, which is not what they want to hear. Nick pulls it together to meet Vanessa's dad and stepmom, but the dad is just as scary. He withholds his blessing for a while, making Nick sweat it out, but finally gives it. Nick is relieved to get the hell back to the US - NYC, actually - when freaking ANDI appears at his door.

What the - TO BE CONTINUED