Thursday, December 31, 2015

May the Force be with you

Finally saw StarWars. Not being a diehard fan, I didn't feel the need to see it right away - in fact, wasn't going to be super upset if I didn't see it at all. I of course saw the original three movies back in the day (but it's probably been 25 years since I've seen them), and I saw the first prequel with Jar-Jar Binks,which turned me off from seeing any additional films. But I have to say - this one was AWESOME. I laughed, I cried (okay, not really) - and I'm looking forward to seeing the next one.

And I really, really want my very own BB-8. We are giving one away at our company holiday party raffle next weekend, and I'm putting all my raffle tickets in that bag. #fingerscrossed #bringonthegeeks

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Holy crap. Emphasis on the "holy."

Sooooo. That Christmas Eve date didn't go so well. It didn't go at all, actually. I thought he would be picking me up and we would go to church together. Instead, he wanted to meet there, 15 minutes before the service was to start. Now, I don't go to church anymore, but I know enough to know that on Christmas and Easter, you get there early. Regardless, I agreed. When I was five minutes away,he texted that he was running 15 minutes late (which would put him arriving at the time the service started). Not being a member of the church (or Catholic, for that matter), I decided to stay in the car until he arrived. I waited. And waited. The parking lot filled up. The service started. After 30 minutes, I gave up. I texted to let him know that the service had started, there would not be anywhere to sit, and - oh yeah!- I was leaving. He responded that he was 3 minutes away, but I had already left. He later texted that he had to work late, but he chose the time of the service, so I really don't feel bad for him at all. Wonder if it counts as going to church on Christmas if I just sat in the parking lot? I'm going to assume that it does.
#humbug

Thursday, December 24, 2015

It's a Christmas miracle.

You guys. I just sewed on a button. And so far, it's still there.
Plus the fact that I'm actually going to Christmas Eve service at church this year...
#makethatTWOchristmasmiracles

Merry merry!! xoxo

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Set your DVRs

So I'm already watching the trainwreck that is Married at First Sight, where the people see each other for the first time at the altar, and now there's Married by Mom and Dad, where parents pick out the future spouse for their child. There's also a show called Arranged, about arranged marriages, but I tried watching one episode and the bride was like 18 and I couldn't handle it. (And yes, I realize I have way too much free time to be watching any of the above, but whatever.)

What's next - a show based on Screw-Marry-Kill? Sadly, I wouldn't put it past producers.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Funny, she doesn't look Druish


OMG!! Mel Brooks confirmed that a sequel to Spaceballs is a possibility! And of course it would be called "Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money" as mentioned in the first movie. Which I love. He also added that he wouldn't make the movie without Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet. Thank you, god. And may the Scwartz be with you.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Check please


Another amazing yet true Match.com interaction:

Got an email from a guy over the weekend that said "I noticed you looked at my profile but didn't respond, so I will be the alpha male and take charge. What questions or concerns do you have for me?"

I looked at his profile, and had never seen it before, so not sure where this was coming from. But he seemed normal (key word being "seemed"), so I took the bait and responded, asking where he was from. And this was the response that I got back:

"At times my analytical mind interferes with routine questions like 'Where are you from originally?'. As a result a simple question gets to be a long answer because I want to be honest and complete. 1. I was born in Ohio. 2. From ages 2-4 lived in Corning, NY. Yes, the place that make Corning cooking ware. 3. We moved to Minnesota so my father could help my injured Grandfather on his Dairy farm. I lived in Minnesota from age 5 to 18. 4. I went to undergrad in Wisconsin. 5. I lived in Missouri from 1997 until 2013. 6. The last two years have been here in Texas. Thus, I am from Ohio. However, I think of myself as a Minnesotan but I have spent the most number of years in the state of Missouri."


[PLEASE NOTE THAT I STOPPED READING AFTER THE THIRD LINE AND CLOSED THE APP.]

Good grief, man. #blessyourheart

At least he works out, I guess

Another unfortunate and possibly ill-advised Tinder profile picture:


This is his main profile picture. And I just ask why. A selfie in the gym mirror is bad enough, but a selfie on an elliptical that is super far away from the mirror? Apologies if anyone knows this guy, but I think it's so hard to see him you wouldn't recognize him anyway. Guys. Ask a friend to snap a pic. Or at least show them this pic and ask their thoughts on using it to meet women.

#rantover #swipeleft

Friday, December 18, 2015

A blast from Xmas past.

I watched this series on the History Channel this week about Christmas through the years - 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s. I of course enjoyed the 70s and 80s episodes the most, since those were my formative Christmases, with the following memorable highlights:

  • Sesame Street Christmas
  • Cabbage Patch Kids
  • Nintendo/Atari
  • Christmas Vacation/A Christmas Story
  • Sears catalog
  • Easy Bake Oven
  • Walkman
Seems like toys/toy commercials were so much more popular in the 80s - I guess because we didn't all have computers. Although I distinctly remember getting a Gameboy for Christmas, and that was awesome. (Especially since I never got a Nintendo. Humph.)

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Don't poke the bear

Ah, Facebook. A place for humble-brags, baby photos, viral videos and, during election (or in this case NON election) years, political views. I try to stay out of it, I really do - feel like politics and religion have no place on social media. But every once in a while, someone posts something that just eats away at me until I finally have to say something. Once, I did and the OP (original poster, for you mom) got all mad and it became the dreaded debate that I was so hoping to avoid. And I just did it again. I get nervous while typing, but feel so empowered after hitting "send." And I'm sure this will launch another heated argument. But truthfully, if you're allowed to spew hate, I'm allowed to contradict you. #godblesstheusa #dontaskwhoimvotingfor #trustme

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Would you like to start with some fried cheese or chips and queso?

We have our HR team holiday party today, and we're all supposed to wear these navy polo shirts that we had made. It's weird to see everyone in the same clothes - I feel like I'm back at Chili's. And not in a good way. But bring on the team photo.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Something in the water - and I'm thirsty, dammit!

Four people I know got engaged over the weekend. FOUR. At least we know the guys have been paying attention - a Christmas engagement doesn't count as the present, boys. A few weeks early is preferable. Although hell - I'd take a Dec. 25. Or 24. Or 26...

Monday, December 14, 2015

Alright, alright, alright

Why am I just now hearing about the Dazed and Confused sequel?? Set in the 80s, called "Everybody Wants Some" and directed by Richard Linklater?? I mean it certainly won't be as good as the first, but hell yes I'll go see it...#fataffleckcameoplease

http://thefilmstage.com/news/richard-linklaters-dazed-and-confused-spiritual-sequel-gets-new-title-and-soundtrack-details/

Friday, December 11, 2015

A thing that makes me go hmmm

When I put on a button-down shirt, I button from the bottom to the top. So why aren't they called "button-up" shirts?

#justsaying

Thursday, December 10, 2015

#accurate

I relate to this more than I probably should.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

The UN of holiday songs

While in Austria, I was inspired to learn a tiny bit of German - so I can proudly say that now I know Silent Night in German (Stille Nacht). Add this to Adeste Fideles and Feliz Navidad, and I am a veritable encyclopedia of international carols. (Mind you, I only know the first verses, but that counts, right?)

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Learning something new every day. Literally.

Life lesson #47857: always mow the lawn BEFORE raking the leaves. I learned this the hard way over the weekend, when I reversed the order and my two hours of raking leaves became virtually imperceptible. Stupid mower blew leaves all over the yard again. But I guess it was fewer leaves? Whatever.

Monday, December 7, 2015

25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights. Per house.

I will try to back up this statement with photographic evidence this week, but let me state for the record: my neighborhood is putting up Christmas lights. And I no longer need to be concerned that my Griswold tree outside is an eye sore. In fact, people probably wouldn't even notice it at all if my lights weren't the only ones that stayed on all night. (Seriously - why are people turning them off at 10pm? Is this a new burglar-repellent tactic I'm not aware of? Just electricity-conscious neighbors? Guess it's all fun and games until I get my electric bill.

But seriously y'all. These lights are bad. I am very curious to see who wins lawn of the month for December. Because surely Christmas lights will be involved. Stay tuned.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Humbug?

Is it weird to get invited to someone's office holiday party when you aren't dating them? I mean, obviously I said yes, but still. Odd.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Still gobbling

As I mentioned, I successfully cooked several Thanksgiving dishes: a sweet potato/apple casserole, cornbread dressing, a cranberry cake and of course the turkey. But it was not without typical Sarah mishaps: apparently I bought a turkey breast, instead of a whole turkey. (All white meat!) I ask you: how in the hell was I supposed to know? It was in the frozen section, it was a turkey...

Actually, it turned out perfectly - we don't eat the dark meat anyway. Just means I have a crapload of leftover turkey. #lessonlearned #sortof

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Love or basketball. Clearly not both.

Chatting with a guy online on Monday, and he seemed nice and normal. Then all of a sudden I guess he revisited my profile page and said "You're a Tar Heel? Oh nooooooo." I knew where this was going. "Duke fan?" I wrote back. "Oh noooooo." Luckily he didn't actually go there, but has family that did and is clearly not afraid to throw out a "Go Duke!" Sigh. Of all the guys enrolled in online dating websites, the Dook fan has to email me. #thestruggleisreal

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Celeb news: the good, the bad and the ugly

The good:

How amazing does Amy Schumer look in the Pirelli calendar?? LOVE. #yougogirl

The bad:

Kylie Jenner's "Lip Kit" sold out in 30 seconds yesterday. People do realize that you can't get lips like hers with makeup, right? It's fillers, obviously. Which is way more than $29...

The ugly:

Mary-Kate Olsen married Olivier Sarkozy over the weekend, and the decor included cigarettes. Bowls and bowls of cigarettes. I get that he's French, but Jesus.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Over the river and through the woods - but watch out for potholes

Thanksgiving weekend had it's highs (I cooked the turkey and it actually turned out awesome!) and it's lows (burglar alarm went off and the police came). At one point my "low tire pressure" light came on in the car, so we went to Kwik Car and got them all topped off (after trying to fill the tires ourselves, which was a total disaster). But then the light came back on this morning, and I knew it wasn't just the cold weather. So back to Kwik Car I went, and they confirmed that I had a nail in one of the tires. But they weren't allowed (?) to patch it, so I had to drive to a Discount Tire and wait an hour to get the tire patched. This was somehow a free service, but of course they had to tell me that I need four new tires and it would only cost me $750. Um, pass. I think I can get a better deal at like Sam's, no? And who wants to pay for new tires, anyway? Being an adult sucks.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Guess who's coming to (Thanksgiving) dinner

No, not some weirdo from Match.com - the rat that is apparently living in my attic! Let's be honest - it's probably multiple rats. But I like to think it's just one, very large, very loud guy named Miles Standish (shout-out, Charlie Brown Thanksgiving) who will soon be eating the rat bait and go to that cheese house in the sky (preferably dying outside of my house, thanks). I thought (hoped?) maybe it was squirrels - that's how loud this thing is. But the brave Orkin man who came over yesterday to investigate gave me the harsh truth. Which is so gross and creeps me out so much I can safely say I will never be venturing into the attic again. Done. Pass the pie.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

About to pull a Clark Griswold here

Attempting to put up Christmas lights outside, and it's a total beating. No wonder most people either A. have husbands to do this or 2. hire a lawn guy to handle the whole thing. My across-the-street neighbors already have their lights up (they beat me to it! dammit!), and I think they are solar-powered. This got me excited at first, since I have no outlets in the front so have to link up a bunch of extension cords in the back and throw them over the roof (which I did on my own, thank you very much). But the solar-powered lights aren't all they are cracked up to be - they come on early and turn off early (like 10pm). That's no fun - Santa won't be able to see my house! So back to the drawing board. And back up the ladder.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Guys never cease to amaze me. (And not in a good way)

Went on a date Friday night with a new guy. It went better than expected, and he asked me to meet up with he and his friends the next night. He warned me that his friends had been drinking since 2:30, so were in rare form, and he didn't want to scare me off. I told him that didn't bother me, but I didn't want to crash guys' night. He insisted, so I met him at a bar in Dallas. I was expecting a group of like 5 rowdy guys, but it was just him and one other guy, both of whom were very quiet. The guy who invited me was so quiet, in fact, that he barely said two words to me. (Maybe it was HE who was in rare form, I thought.) They wanted to go to another bar in Addison, so I drove to the second spot. Still he barely talked to me, and I decided it was time to go. He walked me to my car, and asked if I would like to drive him home. To IRVING. Um, no. I told him it was really far from my house, and he said I could just spend the night. What now? You don't speak to me all night and then expect me to drive you home and stay over? PASS.

What the hell is wrong with these people. Seriously folks.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Fly the friendly skies

The flight home from London to Dallas was like 9 and a half hours, but felt like 13. Seriously - at one point I checked the flight pattern, assuming I had about 4 hours left. And I had 6. DOH. Luckily, British Airways provides a plethora of movies/shows to keep you entertained. In 9.5 hours, I watched:
  • Inside Out (and cried, much to the confusion of the man sitting next to me)
  • Pitch Perfect 2
  • Jurassic World
  • Back to the Future
  • 3 episodes of Big Bang Theory
  • 2 episodes of Friends
  • And a partridge in a pear tree

I mean what did people DO back in the day. Read a crapload of books? Just drink heavily? Sounds about right.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I don't even know how to say 9-1-1 in German.

So as I mentioned, I was fending off a bladder infection while in Europe. Stupidly I forgot my insurance card and was petrified of having to go to some hospital in Hungaria where I didn't speak the language and might wind up losing an arm due to miscommunication. I realized I wasn't drinking much water - mostly because of the whole pay-to-pee thing - so I started buying bottles of water wherever I could find them, and chugging to re-hydrate. But it still wasn't working, so I found a health food shop in Salzburg and wandered until I found the medicine aisle. Now, of course everything was in German, but I finally found a pack of pills that said "Cranberry." DONE - who cares what else is in there! I took the pills to the register and asked if the lady spoke any English. She said she only spoke a little, so I may have made some embarrassing gestures to inquire if these pills would help with a bladder infection. She said yes, so I accepted that and ended up taking every single pill while I was over there. Eastern European medicine: 1, infections: 0. Well-played, Austria.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Austria is for lovers

Decided to test out Tinder while I was overseas. And here, dear readers, is an example of who's on Tinder in Austria:

I will say that I got more "super-likes" over there than I ever get in the US. So there's that.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Wiener Schnitzel and other learnings

It's finally coming together for me! The "wiener" in wiener schnitzel refers to Vienna, not to hot dogs! (I know, duh. But I've never had it, so really no clue what's in it.) I figured it out because "wien" is the Austrian word for Vienna, and the operahouse was named Wiener Staatsoper.BOOM.

Another a-ha moment came on the train yesterday. Most announcements on all transportation (buses, trains, planes) are in German, and they seem much longer and more informative than the abbreviated English version they throw in. So who knows what other helpful hints the Austrians are getting - you're on your own, Americans!

Yesterday's announcement made me think the conductor was having a stroke: "v-v-v-punct-oh-beh-beh-punct-at." But then I realized she was referring people to the official train website, www.obb.at ("at" is for Austria). It's the v for w (and vice versa) that gets me. Wery veird, amiright.

Also, I've noticed that people here say "d'schoen" which is apparently short for "danke schoen" (thank you very much). I feel very hip and cool for saying it back, which immediately makes me neither hip nor cool.

That's a wrap, Europe! If the travel gods are with me, I will be back in the USA tomorrow. So ready to see my dog - I have almost gone up to three dogs on the street today just to get a lick in the face. But restrained myself.

xoxo

This one's for you, Deane

Went to Graz yesterday - it was a long 12-hour day, but a beautiful city. Unfortunately, all the stores were closed since it was Sunday, so there wasn't much to do once I got there, but I climbed to the top of the Shlossberg, a fortress on a hill with great expansive views. I would pass places that said "established 1541" and think, "hey - my grandfather might have seen that!" (And yes, I realize that 1943 was much more recent than 1541.) But then realizing his leg had been shot off prior to getting shot down, he probably wasn't doing much sightseeing. (Also due to the fact that this was enemy territory and he would soon be a POW.) But it was certainly cool to be there and know that he had landed not far away.

Since I didn't get to shop yesterday (the horror!), I have quite a few euros to blow today in Venice. Since I fly back to London tonight and back to Dallas tomorrow, today is my last chance. If I must shop, I must.(God forbdid I bring any money home. Although the currency exchange rate won't be very good anyway...) #becauseeurope

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Hungary for more

First, let me assure you that I am safe and sound and nowhere near Paris. (Well, I'm closer than most of you are, but you know what I mean.) Luckily I have CNN in English at my hotel, so I've been able to follow the story - because since I normally only have wi-fi in the hotel room, I go all day not knowing what's going on. (Or being able to check Facebook - the horror!)

Yesterday was the day trip to Budapest. It was about three hours each way, and after all the news about Syrian refugees trying to get into Austria, I was pleasantly surprised to find not a soul at the border. In fact, we never even had to show passports to anyone, although I'm not sure that's a good thing. Budapest is actually two cities - Buda (the hillier side), and Pest, split by the Danube River. Another little-known fact: Budapest has the third oldest subway system, after New York and London! Who knew?? We had lunch (I was able to get a chicken ceasar salad- again, who knew??) then took a bus tour of Pest followed by a walking tour of Buda. We had free time, and I was finally able to walk through a Christmas market. It was really quite magical - smells of cinnamon bread and mulled wine (which I tried, and although good, I couldn't finish an entire cup). I spent all my forints and then it was time to go back to Vienna. Quite a beautiful city.

Today: taking the train to Graz, where my grandfather's plane was shot down in WWII. Kind of want to grab some soil and bring it back home with me...

Friday, November 13, 2015

Das auto

I forgot to mention that I went on the autobahn today! Granted, we were in the giant Sound of Music coach bus, so we certainly weren't going fast, but everyone around us was...kind of cool. And also terrifying. #soeuro

Au revoir, farewell (Salzburg)

The Sound of Music tour was awesome! Thankfully no one was dressed in costume, but they did play the songs on the bus and people did sing along. (I may have joined in a chorus of Do-Re-Mi, not gonna lie.)

We saw the front of the Von Trapp house, the back of the house/lake (different house, who knew), the nunnery, the church where they got  married, the glass cabana from "16 Going on 17" and of course the "Do-Re-Mi" steps. Very fun stuff. And a little-known fact: the tour guide told us he rarely gets any German or Austrian attendees because they don't know what The Sound of Music is. Um, pardon?? Apparently a German-language version based on Maria Von Trapp's book came out before SOM, and the Germans preferred the original version so the movie didn't stay in theaters very long. Therefore it's never re-run on TV, etc. So bizarro. I thought maybe it had to do with the anti-Nazi sentiment of the film, but whatevs.

Something random I forgot about: most public bathrooms over here cost money. So if you have to pee, you have to pay. What in the world. And considering I am fighting off a bladder infection (TMI, sorry), all my money is going down the toilet. Literally. HEY-OH

At the train station now, waiting to go to Vienna. Budapest all day tomorrow, but will try to post when I get back.

#soeuro

THIS is one of my favorite things

I get why Julie Andrews was singing - Salzburg is amazing. So adorable, so easy to get around, and so magical at Christmas! I wish I was staying for the Christmas market - opens November 20 - but they were setting up yesterday so at least I got a preview. The old town area is pedestrians only, so you can just wander through the squares and the cobblestone streets, going in and out of little shops, bakeries and cafes, while the church bells peal (seriously - it went on for 6 solid minutes at one point). Pretty incredible. I hiked to the top of the fortress (and it was truly a hike - I was exhausted, sweaty and out of breath by the time I got up there), but totally worth it for the great views of the city. Went to Mozart's birthplace - his presence is felt all over the city, especially on chocolates (?) - and bought myself a nice pink Austrian hat. #becauseeurope

Last night was the three-course candlelit dinner at St Peter Stifskeller, the oldest restaurant in Europe, and it was so lovely and beautifully decorated for the holidays. Our waiter was a big Cowboys fan, which was hilarious, even showing me a picture from Facebook of his trip to Dallas to see a game (!). The musicians were dressed in Mozart-ish attire and were fantastic, as were the opera singers. I kept having to pinch myself, listening to this music and looking around at my surroundings. I sat next to a mother-daughter duofrom Sydney who have been on an 8-week European dream vacation. They have literally been EVERYWHERE, and they still have two more weeks. Truly incredible to talk to them.

Getting to Austria wasn't as easy as I had hoped, however - got busted in every airport security line I went through, and I feel like I was innocent both times. In London, apparently it's not just liquids that have to go in the clear plastic bags, but also creams and pastes? WTF. Plus they said my iPad had to be treated like a laptop, which it doesn't in the US. And then in Austria, I didn't realize that just by changing planes in Vienna I would have to go through security again, so the nice bottle of water I bought in London had to get tossed out. I mean I was already in the terminal! Why security again?? Oh well. Live and learn.

Have bought entirely too many souvenirs and I think I am going to have to leave my Texas flag neck pillow here just to have a chance of getting everything back on the plane. Good times.

Today: Sound of Music tour and then a train to Vienna tonight! #thehillsarealive

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Chai love you, tea parties

So today was a good day. Well, not a good day for my diet. Lunch with a co-worker friend at a little French place, and I decided I had to get the spinach and Gruyere crepes, #becauseeurope. Ironically this was listed on the "lighter side" of the menu, but it was so cheesy that I could only manage a few bites. Still - yay crepes.

Then I went to high tea at Sketch, which. Was. Heavenly. I tried to get in at fancy places like Claridges or the Savoy, but they were booked all month. I watch this Bravo show called Ladies of London, and on a whim started Googling the women on the show while I was here. You know, where they eat, where they shop, etc. (sad but true) One of the Americans has her own lifestyle website, and the latest "London Guide" entry happened to be "Top 5 Places to Have Tea." And Sketch was #1 on the list. My eyes glazed over at the very pinkness of the place, and I knew I had to see it for myself. So I booked a table and once again mastered the subway (er, tube) to get there.

It was only a few streets over from Carnaby Street, another spot I had never been but wanted to see, so I swung by there on the way to tea. For those that don't know, Carnaby Street was the center of the swinging mod scene in the 1960s. It's really cute over there - a pedestrian zone, with cobbled streets and no cars allowed. I went to Liberty London, which, with 6 floors, is almost as overwhelming to me as Harrods, and that's where I had a fun run-in with Mr Manolo Blahnik himself.

But back to the tea party. Because that's what it was. I probably should have sprung for the champagne version, but I stuck with tea. You get to pick the flavor of tea out of a list of about 40, and then they bring a tray of delights: 5 tiny but beautiful sandwiches, two levels of gorgeous pastries, and a scone. For the menu, see here. I ate one tiny sandwich and the scone, and took a bite out of three tiny desserts. I'm not proud of it, but it WAS my dinner...and that makes it okay, right?? The diet starts when I get home. #carbloading

Leaving bright (actually dark) and early for Salzburg - Austria adventures coming soon!

#peaceoutuk

London Bridge - not falling down, but looking good from above

So I have found a cure for my insomnia/jet lag: split a bottle of wine at dinner. Slept like a baby. Ha.
Last night went to dinner with my former boss, who now lives in London. She provided lots of dinner options, and I of course went for the most touristy spot - because of the 360-degree views of the city, duh!

This is the building, and the restaurant was on the 32nd floor:


Oddly, there's an elevator to take you directly to that level, but you're not supposed to push the elevator buttons! Every 15 seconds, the doors close and if you're inside, you get rocketed to the top. Not sure what the point of having elevator buttons is if you can't push them, but I guess it's #becauseeurope.

The views from the restaurant were spectacular. For example:

 

I mean, seriously. London for the win. We took Uber to the restaurant - turns out Uber abroad is the same as Uber in the US, just with a British accent. Good to know. And speaking of accents, what amazes me about this city is how international it is. Everyone is speaking different languages all around you, and no one bats an eye. Pretty cool.

Today is my last day here before I head to Austria, so I'm living it up: lunch with a friend, high tea, and checking out Carnaby Street and Notting Hill (and of course hoping to run into Hugh Grant). Because my car is coming at 2am (!) to take me to the airport, I will most likely blog tonight about today. Get excited.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Nothing in life is free. Except the occasional lentil soup.

I don't think I have jet lag, just insomnia - and it may kill me. I have been passing out cold for like two hours, and then waking up in the middle of the night for three hours before I can go back to sleep. Hoping at some point it will catch up with me and I will get a solid 8 (10??) hours of sleep, but that's neither here nor there.

Grabbed lunch at a local spot yesterday, only to find my corporate card got declined. (Turns out it was a bank issue and all of the travel and entertainment cards were getting turned down. Unfortunately for the Accounting department, all of the execs - and me - are traveling right now, so I'm sure they had some fun emails going back and forth.) I pulled out some cash to pay for my soup, but the nice man behind the counter (shout-out, Antonio!) told me it was on the house. Embarrassing and flattering, all at once. #storyofmylife

Walked down to Big Ben/Parliament last night and had "dinner" (aka yogurt parfait and a latte) - hey, when the company isn't paying, I'm barely eating. Am I right. Tonight, my former boss is taking me to a nice dinner with an amazing view, so that should make up for last night's sad dinner. Near the London Eye I noticed a souvenir shop with these hats in the window:


I mean, I thought about it for a half-second.

On the homefront, I left my sweet Charlie with my friend Jon, and all I asked was that he keep her alive. He sent the following photo yesterday:


Apparently she has taken over his dog Ace's bed, and won't move. She sleeps there and stays there all day. So although clearly severely depressed, at least she's alive. And I'll consider that a win.



Monday, November 9, 2015

London baby!

Delayed 6 hours out of DFW due to mechanical problems, and found myself in the middle seat of that dreaded 5-seat row. Luckily I only had to go to the bathroom twice in 8 hours. (The 10-hour flight home could be another story.) Watched Trainwreck, and felt bad for the elderly French couple next to me who I'm sure could see the sex scenes and thought poorly of both Americans and American filmmaking. But arrive in London I did, sweaty and disgusting, but alive - and hallelujah, so did my luggage!

I went to Harrods yesterday, mastering the subway to do so. Man it's hot down there. Which means more sweat. Which means today I utilized the hotel laundry service for the first time ever. I'm sorry - 10 days over here plus sweaty clothes equals gross. Problem solved! For dinner I found a cute little restaurant on the bank of the Thames and had a really good salad and some wine. #becauseeurope

Went for a jog this morning - also down the Thames - and got to hear Big Ben chime. Pretty awesome. Planning on going back tonight to get a good pic of - wait for it - Look kids! Big Ben! Parliament! - and found a cute sushi place I might have to try.

It always tickles me to see what random American shows are on TV here. This morning? Back-to-back episodes of Third Rock from the Sun. Which, although funny, are so outdated they mentioned President Clinton. And they didn't mean Hillary.

Attempted porridge this morning - thought it would be like oatmeal, but it was grosser - and felt obliged to drink some English tea. Now a thrilling day at work - here's hoping I don't fall asleep at my desk, although I do that almost every day in Dallas so I really can't blame jet lag.

#soeuro

Thursday, November 5, 2015

When in Wien...

In Vienna I wanted to see the Vienna Boys Choir - but not paying $100 to go to church. So I might just buy the CD. Instead I am taking a day trip to Budapest and will enjoy a day of leisurely sight-seeing in Vienna as well. Kind of excited to see the Danube, not gonna lie. And I am SO coming back with one of these:

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

On the continent

Headed to Europe on Saturday for 10 (!) days. Will try to blog while I'm there, but will spend the next few posts previewing my adventures. Going to London for the first few days for work, but will have some fun (i.e. shopping spree at Harrod's) thrown in. Then I'm off to Salzburg, where I'm eating dinner in the oldest restaurant in Europe. Seriously - founded in 803. That's over 1200 years old, folks. #dothemath

It's a three-course, candlelit dinner with live musicians and opera singers performing Mozart. I MEAN. Fairly sad that I'm going by myself, as it would make for a super-romantic date, but still. Once in a lifetime opportunity that I'm going to capitalize on.

The next day, taking the Sound of Music tour. #becausesalzburg  I fear there will be people dressed as nuns and lots of singalongs, but you gotta do what you gotta do. And then maybe I'll be all hyped up to come back to Dallas and see Sound of Music. One can only hope.

Tomorrow: Vienna!

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Well, that was a waste

Went with a friend last night to a sneak preview for some movie, similar to how we saw The Interview. It started at 7 and the invitation said to be there by 6. The line was already crazy long, but we had our passes and got in line with everyone else. They don't allow cell phones, so my friend and I got to catch up on everything. And I mean everything. After an hour and a half, they told us they were full, gave us a pass for a free movie of our choice, and sent us home. What the hell. We should have at least been given free popcorn. #humph

Monday, November 2, 2015

Super(b)

I finally got around to watching Supergirl this weekend, and really enjoyed it. The best part? Casting Dean Cain and Helen Slater as Kara's adoptive parents! Superman and the original Supergirl! Hope I'm not the only one who noticed that. #holygeekdom

Friday, October 30, 2015

How do you say "ka-ching" in Dutch?

Prepping to go to Europe for 10 days, and trying to figure out the various types of currency I'm going to need. The exchange rates vary drastically:

$100 = 65 pounds
$100 = 90 euros
$100 = 28,184 forints (Hungary)

In sum: everyone should be expecting gifts from Hungary this year.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

And that's a wrap

In my almost 40 years as a single person, I clearly haven't learned much about guys. Or relationships. Or much of anything, for that matter. But one thing I do know? When I'm getting dumped. Which happened this week. And bless my friends for trying to put a positive spin on it: "He's just busy with work!" "Maybe his phone died." "Maybe he's trapped under something heavy." But the truth is, I've been ghosted. Per usual.

And therefore I am announcing my retirement from dating. Like athletes who hang up their jerseys, I am simply getting too old, I don't want to continue the risk of getting hurt, and the game simply isn't what it used to be. I do however look forward to watching the younger generations play. Probably better than I ever could. #micdrop

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Spanxgiving

I don't like wearing Spanx. They are too hot, too tight, too restrictive (although I guess that's the point). But I have to wear them TWICE this week. Today because the dress I bought is completely see-through, so something had to be done. And I don't think they even make slips anymore, so badda bing Spanx!
The second time will be Friday, because I am dressing up like Elvis for work. The white jumpsuit Elvis. Which once again is semi see-through and completely not flattering, so I need all the help I can get. #thankyouverymuch

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

As a former sorority girl, I approve this message.

Heard the best joke this morning:

Why do sorority girls travel in odd numbered packs?

Because they literally can't even.

Thanks, I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress.

Monday, October 26, 2015

A time to plant, a time to reap. Or weep.

So it's fall. (And finally starting to feel like it in Dallas.) I thought I would be so happy that summer was over - no more mowing the lawn in 100 degree heat - but turns out leaves fall in the fall. (Who knew?!) I am raking up bagfuls of leaves what feels like daily (but is probably weekly) and I don't even think it's doing much good. When's winter??

Friday, October 23, 2015

At least it wasn't my sad Elmo pajamas

Apparently I partied a bit too hard last weekend at the lake - left my nightshirt AND a pair of panties in the bathroom of the lakehouse. And the owners had to mail them back to the birthday girl. Who is being so kind and washing them before returning them to me. Dear lord. Plus the fact that said nightshirt shrunk since I wore it last, and it was completely inappropriate to romp around in. (Got a few "where are your pants?!" questions. Eeks.)
#storyofmylife

Thursday, October 22, 2015

There should be a holiday

Every year around this time, I stress out. Not because the Cowboys suck. Not because 7-11 ran out of pumpkin spice latte. But because it's time to see if my jeans still fit. Hell - I put them away back in April and haven't thought about them until now. Lord knows if I can still get them buttoned. But today, I did. And they did. It's the little things, people. Now where's my bagel.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Great scott!

 
Happy Back to the Future Day, kids! I never really liked part II, and part III was just terrible, but I could watch the original movie any day of the week. Still such greatness. Puffer vest and all. We went to see Huey Lewis a few years ago, and they had a DeLorean on display. (And yes, I took a picture.) I guess he can't escape the movie - and why would he?? Totally going to watch it this weekend. #calvinklein

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Eagerly awaited tat update

I know you've been on the edge of your seats, so I can reassure you that I finally found something that takes the flash tattoos off: baby oil. Now I still can't reach the wings on my back, so those are just going to have to fade with time (hopefully?), but the other six (yes, we had lots of fun with this) are gone. #thankyoujesus

Monday, October 19, 2015

I ink, therefore I am

One of the birthday party weekend's highlights for me was when we all donned metallic flash tattoos. I apparently had the most fun with them, because the girl who brought them gave me all the leftovers to take home (yaaaasss). However, I am also having the most trouble removing them. These bad boys are NOT coming off. I've tried makeup remover. Nail polish remover. Rubbing alcohol. And just rubbing. And nada. The two big angel wings on my back are still going strong. Luckily it's getting cooler so I can cover them up for work. But good grief. #tattedup

Friday, October 16, 2015

Lordy, lordy look who's 40

It's happening. Celebrating a friend's 40th this weekend at the lake. I obviously have friends who are 40+, but this feels different. like my group of friends is about to hit that big milestone birthday. And dammit, I'm not ready! I've got a little under two years to go - let the bucket list begin!!

1. get married
2. have a kid

This should go well.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Maybe my presence should be my present

I have a problem with gift-giving. The problem? I give people what I like, not what they like. For example, the Christmas present I bought for my sister-in-law this year (that's right, getting things done early)? I bought the same thing for myself. And I went to a baby shower over the weekend and instead of doing the noble thing and buying off the registry, I went rogue at Buy Buy Baby and wound up getting her a onesie that said "#bestchristmasever" (the baby is due on Christmas). I found it hilarious. But I included the receipt on the off chance my friend didn't feel the same...

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Now if only I could freeze my tear ducts

Yesterday was a really bad day at work. I cried in front of every major executive at some point during the day, sometimes twice. And yet, while relaying the story to my team, found one bright spot: my co-worker said, "This whole time, your forehead hasn't moved!"

#thanksbotox

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Quacking up

When I lived in Boston, every time I would have someone in town to visit I would make them take a Duck Boat Tour. I found it freaking hilarious, especially when they made you quack at people on the street. Not sure why I thought Duck Boats were only found in Boston, though - apparently all a city needs is some roads and some water, and presto! Duck Tour. Maybe Dallas could get one. And you could float around White Rock Lake. Because that's fun.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Egomaniac, party of one

I have a framed photo in my den from a wedding I went to in Cabo earlier this year. It's a pretty decent photo of me (plus the amazing sunset on the beach), and there's a girl in the picture with me whose name I cannot remember for the life of me. (I only met her at the wedding, in my defense.) I've had people come over and ask "who's that?" and I have to embarrassingly admit that I don't know, and it becomes glaringly obvious that I only have the picture out because I think it's a good picture of me. #truth

I saw her again yesterday at the baby shower for the friend who got married, and now I know her name. And will start telling everyone that asks. Just because I can. #shannon

Friday, October 9, 2015

Life is dangerous.

Injuries sustained this morning:

1. Tripped over a pillow (?) and landed hard on my hip, to the point where it's been a few hours and it's still throbbing
2. Clocked my other hip bone with a dumbbell
3. Hit my head on the corner of a cabinet

I could blame these on the fact that I got three hours of sleep, but let's be honest - that's just a typical day for me.

#gonnaleaveamark #orseveral

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Thanksgiving diet, anyone?

So I'm hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. Even attempting to cook a turkey. "Attempt" being the key word. My mom bought me a roasting pan, so it's official. It's not the holidays unless you give everyone food poisoning, right?

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Scary, indeed

One of the houses on my street has put up their Halloween decorations. And let me just say, it's a foreboding prediction of what Christmas will be like around here. Not the classiest decor, but hey - they should get points for enthusiasm. And lights. And full coverage. Oy to the world.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Can I get a Valium over here?

Went on several dates with a guy who I fear has full-blown OCD. Not saying I don't, but this guy took things to the extremes. For example:

  • Freaked out when I put my purse up on his counter -"I eat off of there!"
  • Wouldn't let me wear my shoes into his (hardwood floor) apartment
  • I got silverware at a restaurant and put it down for us on the table. He swiftly snatched them up and got new ones, setting them down on napkins - "They only wipe these tables with a rag!"
  • Asked if there were potholes in my neighborhood, since his Mercedes has special suspension
  • Pulled his iPad away from me - "Don't look at my password!"

Annnnnd scene. Me and my purse will take our business elsewhere, thank you very much.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Literally blood sweat and tears

Yesterday morning while out on a walk, the Big Dog (aka Ace, aka Trouble) took off after a bunny. While thrilled to have bunnies in the neighborhood, I wasn't prepared for the force of his sprint and as I braced myself and held on for dear life, the leash collapsed on my middle finger. I dropped to the ground in agony, assuming he had broken my finger. I guess it's just bruised, but man that hurts. Did I mention he goes home tonight? T minus 8 hours...

#kidding #kindof #sorrynotsorry

Friday, October 2, 2015

Kiss of death

Went on a second date recently with a guy who was nice, but a HORRIBLE kisser. Like seriously terrible. I was counting the seconds for it to be over. At this stage in my life, I know I shouldn't be so picky. And maybe you can teach someone to be a better kisser. But at 38, I don't have time for that. And at 35, you would hope he would know? #ontothenext

Thursday, October 1, 2015

I swear it wasn't there a second ago

I spent about an hour this morning looking for an email I received, searching all the folders where I might have moved it and even checking sent and deleted files. I finally gave up - and then saw it sitting comfortably still in my inbox. #gonnabealongday

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

It's time to play the music

So I may be alone on this, but I'm enjoying the new Muppet Show. The voices are different, it's more adult, blah blah - but it's still the Muppets. On my TV. And I'm happy. (Aside from Kermit's girlfriend Denise. Please. She is no Miss Piggy.)

Sidebar: I would totally watch a late-night talk show hosted by Miss Piggy. This should definitely be a thing.

#teampiggy

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Dog days of fall.

So I'm dog-sitting for a friend, and Ace is staying with me for 11 days. 11! 4 down, 7 to go. But who's counting. (I am.) Ace is sweet, but he's much bigger than Charlie (like 50 pounds), which unfortunately means his poops are much bigger than Charlie (like 10 pounds). It's all I can do to pick it up. Which leaves me wondering - if it's not my dog, do I have to pick up his poop? (Answer: duh. But it's so gross guys!!)

Plus, he eats all of Charlie's food, drinks her water and destroys her toys. If she starves to death over these 11 days, I will not be amused.

The only solace? I'm making my friend keep Charlie for 10 days while I'm in Europe. She better get to eat, dammit.

#wasthinkingaboutgettinganotherdog #notanymore

Monday, September 28, 2015

As long as it's tentacles and not testicles

I am not exactly an adventurous eater. I know what I like, know what I don't, and know what I wouldn't should I ever be forced to try it (tuna fish sandwich, I'm talking to you). So when asked to try octopus over the weekend, I wasn't thrilled. Hoping it "tastes like chicken," I ate a bite. It wasn't gross, but it was so chewy it took like five minutes to eat. So probably won't become a big octopus fan, but at least I can say I tried it? #iamanoctopussy

Friday, September 25, 2015

Garth = god

Had the most amazing time at the Garth Brooks concert. Even after six shows in four days, the man sounded great and is a consummate performer. He sang hit after hit after hit, transporting me back to the early 90s and making me realize I don't have nearly enough Garth songs on my iPod. Going to rectify that this weekend.

He was so funny, too - said the only reason he performs with a guitar is to hide his big gut. #amen

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Won't you be my neighbor

Update on the neighbor who asked me out: he found me walking the dog yesterday after work and approached, apologizing for being so blunt and asking me on a date. I laughed it off, and he said  he was just lonely and wanted a friend to talk to (not romantic). He then presented me with a book he wrote about his wife, and added that there is lots in the book about him as well. He even said, "If you read this, you will know me intimately. It's like 50 Shades of Grey." Ummmm pass. And then added, "I say your name like 10 times a day!" Took me a minute to realize he was talking about his dog, also named Sarah.

Good times in the 'hood.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I mean I lost a bracelet at the bottom of a pool once...

I saw this truck while driving to work today and frankly I'm intrigued. Came to work and Googled the company:



Is there really a big need for underwater searches in Dallas? The truck said "It's not lost, it's just wet." Again, intriguing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Back in my day, kids...

Really enjoying the "Do you remember the 60s, 70s and 80s" account on Facebook. Now, I don't remember the 60s or 70s (how old do you think I AM?!), but the 80s flashbacks are greatness.


 
#memories

Monday, September 21, 2015

Clearly I DON'T have friends in low places

I, along with the rest of Dallas, was supposed to go see Garth Brooks on Friday night. (He's playing seven shows in six days - get em, cowboy!) A guy from Match had invited me a few weeks ago, and we texted back and forth many times, even meeting face-to-face on Tuesday. Not a love match for me, but hey - it's Garth Brooks! Friday rolled around, and I texted him to let him know how excited I was, and what time did he want to meet up? Annnnnnd radio silence. I never did hear from him again, and was instead treated to a bajillion photos and videos on Facebook from everyone else I know who got to see Garth live. What a tool - at least tell me you're sick, or hell that you invited someone else! But radio silencio is no bueno.

UPDATE: A sweet co-worker got tickets tomorrow night, so even though Garth will probably be completely hoarse and exhausted, I'll still be there with my boots on.

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Great Crate Date

Went to this matchmaking thing last night at a bar/record store. Cool idea - you find a record that either represents you or you think makes a good conversation piece, and put it in the corresponding box ("Men for women," "Women for men," "Men for men," etc.) Then the guys look through the crate and pick out a record that speaks to them and vice versa, and if someone picks your record you have a mini-date with them.

I decided on The Jimi Hendrix Experience (mostly because I couldn't find any 80s music), but was deterred by the fact that there were only girls at this thing, no guys. But this was only the first one, and apparently they host these every month. However, I'm guessing the guys that come to Deep Ellum to do this are a little too hipster for me. I did wear an ironic slogan t-shirt, though... #sohipithurts

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Uncalled for, Facebook. Uncalled for.

Why do I get this as a "suggested post"on my Facebook page??


I mean. Not married. Not pregnant. Unless this is like a psychic prediction? "We strongly suggest you like this post because you're going to need it?" (Although to be fair I think these ultrasound photos are creepy and I wouldn't get a photography session of an unborn baby regardless. So thanks but no thanks.)

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

On Wednesdays we wear pink

Last night I went to an event at my high school. It was a fun flashback seeing so many faces from other grades that I haven't seen in 20 (!) years. But there were a few mean girls in the mix who remain mean girls today. I went up to one and said "hi! how are you?!", and she looked me up and down and acted like she didn't know me. (We were wearing nametags. Plus thanks to Botox everyone looks the same.) Whatevs - after a few glasses of wine everyone was hugging it out. #thanksalcohol

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

We Shall Overcomb


Why do I have so many friends that were at the Trump for President rally in Dallas last night?? Seriously.

The only explanation that would make sense would be to attend for entertainment value - you never know what he's going to say. Here's hoping that was the reason...

#yourefired

Monday, September 14, 2015

Still got it??

A widower on my block asked me on a date last week. We "met" while walking our dogs and he is retired and over 60 for sure. He asked me to dinner and added, "There aren't many single people in our neighborhood!" Ummmm how old do you think I am, sir? (Of course I didn't want to be rude so hemmed and hawed and said "sure sounds fun!" but plan on never actually making plans.) #morebotoxstat

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Think I'd rather assume he's married

Another chapter for my future book on dating (mis)adventures: this guy emailed me from Match last week, saying "I think I'm in love! Too soon??" (Needing to move at a quicker pace these days, I'm actually fine with that opening line.) We started emailing, then texting - and I noticed he had removed his Match profile. But he swore he wasn't married - just takes it down when he "meets" someone he likes so he doesn't get distracted. That's nice, but a lot of pressure! We set a date for Wednesday, and I checked in with him Monday to make sure we were still on. He assured me we were, and that he had checked out my pictures a few more times. And I never heard from him again. (How bad are my pictures?!)

Quickest path from "love" to "hate" I ever saw. Good times. The real kicker: he also went to UNC! #humph

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Diet starts NOW


I wish I could say these injuries were from something cool, like fighting off a bear or even falling off a bike. But no, this happened in Colorado when I was laying out at the pool and my lounge chair buckled under my weight and I fell to the concrete. Good times and not at all a blow to my ego. #sarcasm

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: The end is near. Actually, the end is here!

That's right - last night was the finale of BIP. And after twice weekly airings, plus the After Paradise talk show, the end couldn't come soon enough. Here's my short and sweet synopsis:

Many paradise-goers were sent home alone: Mikey (after rejecting Juelia and then getting rejected by Mackenzie). (Juelia.) (Mackenzie.) Dan. Ashley S. Jared (after rejecting Ashley I and most likely refusing to take her v-card). (Ashley I.) Amber. Chelsie. Jaclyn (after getting rejected by Justin in favor of the last temptress to arrive, Cassandra).

The remaining "couples" will get a one-on-one date and a night in the fantasy suite! Everyone is pumped but Kirk, who looks like someone killed his dog. Clearly he's not feeling it and he knows he has to break the news to Carly. She does NOT take it well. Runs off, won't let him explain, calls him a liar and bursts into tears. He seems pretty shell-shocked about the whole thing, telling the guys it's the worst break-up he's ever experienced. More than that, Kirk, it's the Most Dramatic Break-up in Bachelor History!

Their breakup causes some tension with everyone left in the house. Tanner puts Jade's fears to rest and they exchange "I love you's." Cassandra refuses to share the fantasy suite with Justin because she's a mom. (Okay...) And Tenley tells Joshua she doesn't know if they will survive in the real world - I mean, he lives in Iowa for god's sakes! And refuses to go by "Josh!"

In the end, Tenley refuses Joshua's rose, but the other couples decide to try things out outside of Paradise:

Justin and Cassandra (NOTE: She appeared on the aftershow and is now dating fellow contestant Jonathan.)
Nick and Samantha (NOTE: Nick says she is the girl of his dreams because she's so hot. That's the ONLY reason. Yet Amber called in to the aftershow to announce that they are indeed still together. Alrighty then.)
Tanner and Jade (NOTE: he did not give her his rose. But instead got down on one knee and popped the question. #engaged)

And there you have it. Another successful and mind-numbing season of Bachelor in Paradise. What in the hell am I going to do with myself on Monday nights now?!

Friday, September 4, 2015

Maybe she's a psychic and can predict the future?

My sweet yet confused grandmother saw the news that Donald Trump would not run for a third party nomination yesterday, and misinterpreted, telling us that he was out of the GOP race entirely! I turned on the news and didn't see anything, checked FB (my source of news) and didn't see anything, and realized what she did. Poor thing still didn't believe us this morning, saying everyone on the news must have misunderstood, too. Okay. #91folks

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Not ok-9

Why do I get nervous seeing drug- and bomb-sniffing dogs wandering around the airport, when I know I have nothing to hide? #ordoi #justkidding

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Coyote Ugly

Well, finally had a coyote run-in this morning. Was out walking Charlie and two coyotes were trotting up the street towards us. I thought to bring my pepper spray, but was still pretty terrified. I scooped up Charlie and crossed to the other side of the street, stage-whisper yelling at them to stay the hell away. (It was 4:45am, so I didn't want to die, but I also didn't want to wake up the neighbors.) Thank goodness they crossed over to the other side, but it was scary. I guess I'm going to invest in a really big stick. Or get a pet roadrunner.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: An alien wedding

In another scene straight out of Friends, we open with the girls frolicking in the ocean. Until Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish. And thanks to Friends, we all know someone has to pee on the sting to get the pain to go away. So a brave (and apparently thirsty) Tenley agrees to take one for the team. Good times in Paradise, people.

Carly's plan to distract Dan from liking Sam by instead liking Chelsie, but she opts to ask Nick on the date instead. He accepts, and then opts to "break up" with Ashley S by telling her she smells like a brewery. Yay. Chelsie and Nick are on a boat - but Nick doesn't feel the romantic spark, and instead talks about his textual relations with Sam. Yay again.

Back on shore, Dan tries to show how much he and Sam have in common. I mean, they both like white rice. Match made in heaven, much??

Mackenzie from Chris' season arrives, dumber than ever, and tries to figure out what her date card means: "Pick a man you see a future with." She decides it must be about aliens, because she believes in them. (As well as mermaids, but that's a tougher date.) She picks Justin, which pisses Amber off. Not sure why, since she only gave him her rose as a default, but I guess when you want to stay in Paradise, any fresh blood that poses a threat can be disheartening. Mac and Justin are both parents (which is terrifying, after listening to Mackenzie talk), so she is excited about this "futuristic" date. Which turns out to be a wedding. THEIR wedding. All en espanol, which neither of them understand ("ropa" is clothes, doofuses! not rope!), but at least Justin gets that "circulo" is "circle." At one point Mac wonders if she is about to be sacrificed. "Because I'm definitely not a virgin." Hey-oh! My favorite part: at the end of the ceremony when the shaman says "Felicidades" (congratulations), and Mackenzie responds with "Como esta?" BRILLIANT. She thinks they are legit married, which is highly concerning to Justin, realizing the very brief honeymoon period is now over.

Jaclyn from Ben's season arrives, with a new platinum 'do, a short onesie and an attitude. She doesn't know any of these people, therefore she doesn't care about them. Relationships? Screw it - these guys are probably sick of these women, and could use a breath of fresh air. She narrows in on Jared, but just as she's about to use her date card on him, Ashley I swoops in with a date card of her own, an overnight fantasy suite date card courtesy of Chris Harrison. (So wait - all a girl has to do to get a date is ask Chris? Good to know.)

Ashley I and her fake hair extensions are ready to give up the v-card. Sadly she thinks it's her only way of getting to stay in Paradise. (Not the best reason to have sex, kiddies.) But will Jared take it? STAY TUNED...

Monday, August 31, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Pickles and Passive-Agressiveness

They should rename this  program as The Joe and Sam show. Because it's always about them. And last night was no exception. After freaking out that Joe had too much drama and accepting Justin's date request, Samantha does a complete 180 and decides she really wants to be with Joe after all. Screw the drama (this, by the way, would make an excellent drinking game - drink every time Sam says "drama." You'd be wasted in no time!).

Sam breaks the news to Justin, who quickly rebounds by asking out Amber. She wishes Dan would show more interest, but figures maybe going out with someone else would convince him, so she accepts. They hit the town for some salsa dancing and making out, which then makes her cry because she misses Dan. The struggle is real, y'all.

The next lucky entrant to Paradise is none other than Chris Bukowksi, who has been on almost every other Bachelor program in history. (NOT something to brag about, but he does anyway -
"5th time's the charm!".) He has a date card, but decides to get wasted instead. Word on the street is that he wants to ask Tenley out, so one of the girls pulls Ten aside to warn her. "This could be an awkward pickle, so I wanted to let you know about the pickle beforehand." All this pickle talk made me giggle, but that's neither here nor there.
Chris finally pulls himself together enough to indeed ask Tenley out, and she politely declines. (Well, technically accepts but tells him she won't be kissing him ever.) Chris is done with Paradise (after a few more tequila shots), and gives his date card to Joshua, who also asks Tenley out and she accepts! They head to Guadalajara (not Laguardia, Joey Tribbiani) where they eat spicy peppers and "horny" fruit and make out in a horse carriage.

Amber returns from her date and pulls Dan aside, telling him she was only thinking of him while sucking face with someone else (um, thank you?). Dan drops the hammer, telling her they are just friends, because he wants to purse someone else...SAM! Come on people. She's pretty and whatever, but she CRAZY. (sic) I would have thought Dan would have better judgement, but as Carly says, the ocean is like Samantha-water, and all the guys are drinking it.

So now Amber is stressed about who to give her rose to at the rose ceremony, and so is Ashley I. Jared told her he wasn't interested, so she does what any crazytown rational girl would do - write a 5 page letter (FRONT AND BACK! Second Friends reference FTW) proclaiming her love. Oy. After he finishes reading/skimming, Jared needs a drink. Amber sidles up to him at the bar to announce that she is intrigued by him and would he accept her rose if she offered it? Poor Jared is caught between two crazies, neither of whom he is remotely interested in.

Amber then tells Ashley I what she just did, and I is not impressed. In fact, she is "emotionally overwhelmed." As opposed to, say, every other day when she's crying like a baby?? It's now a fight to the finish - who will get to offer up their flower first? (And yes, sexual innuendo intended. Duh)

Dan sees Joe and Samantha chatting closely, and knows his time is almost up to have a shot at his latest conquest. He pulls her aside and starts saying how Joe is not a good guy, and he would hate to see her end up with him. Joe senses the bad mojo and pulls Sam away for a kiss. She returns to Dan, who explains that after Paradise if she's out with her friends and her phone dies, Joe would go ballistic. Not that far-fetched.

Rose ceremony time! The easy couples go first: Jade and Tanner. Carly and Kirk. Ashley S (whose crazy is coming out in full force these days) and Nick. Tenley and Joshua. Juelia and Mikey. Ashley I and Jared, who actually accepts. Amber and Justin. And Sam and Joe Dan. What now?

Sam has once again played these fellas like a fiddle, and now she's onto the next. Dan actually believes they have something (poor sweet dumb Dan), and the rest of the gang starts to feel a little sorry for Joe, since it seems Sam was the master manipulator. (insert evil laugh here) Joe confronts Sam before he leaves, asking what in the hell just happened. Sam doesn't have much of an excuse aside from "no more drama" (where's Mary J Blige when you need her), and Joe threatens to show the text message in which she tells him to stay no matter what the cost. ("I will find you!" Thanks Last of the Mohicans) She denies denies denies, but in the exit limo he does pull up said text and admits that he deserves better.

But Joe being Joe, he closes with this lovely parting remark:

Nice.

Sam again tries to defend herself to the rest of the Paradisians, but Ashley S starts yelling at her, asking if Dan was also one of the guys she talked to before they arrived, and she is struck by her beauty! (Not sure she knows what that actually means.) She can't get over Sam's beauty, actually - compares her to Aphrodite, but not born out of a flower. "She's like a dead bird to me." And there you have it.

Chelsie arrives with a date card, and Carly decides she must push Dan on her in order to get Sam sent home once and for all. Stay tuned...

TO BE CONTINUED

Friday, August 28, 2015

Shouldn't church be free?

Looking at activities for my upcoming trip to Europe, and I wanted to go see the Vienna Boys Choir while in Vienna. They sing at mass on Sundays, but you don't actually get to see them until the very end. Oh - and it's like $100. For a church service. No offense boys, but I think I'll just download a few of your songs on iTunes and bring a Bible. Done and done. #amen

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Soapbox time.

I try to keep this blog light and upbeat, but yesterday's events in Virginia have really shaken me. Perhaps it's because I went to school to be a TV reporter, and easily could envision myself as Alison Parker. Or perhaps it's because these people were literally assassinated on live television. Yes, that must be it.

I live in Texas, and therefore I'm sure I am in the minority with my views on gun control. But the people that say "guns don't kill people; people kill people" just aren't correct! Guns DO kill people, and in America they kill people by an enormous margin over any other country:

I have friends who will no longer go to movie theaters, following the shootings in Colorado and Louisiana. (I foresee metal detectors coming soon to a theater near you.) Schools. Churches. And now just random people doing their job on the street. It's terrifying to me, and I'm not even a parent! I can't imagine how scared I would be raising a child in this nightmare.

If guns can't be banned entirely, at least make it more difficult to purchase one. Then, if the person is crazy and still wants to kill, they will - but perhaps that week or month of waiting will instead allow them to cool off and think rationally. Or get medical attention. Or whatever the case may be.

I am about to write my congressman, although living here I doubt it will do much good. But at least I can say I was proactive.

I hope expressing my opinion doesn't lose too many readers, but hey - it's my blog. :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Ignorance is bliss

So I joined the NextDoor app when I moved into my house, in order to be "in the know" with what was going on in my neighborhood. (And considering how many of my neighbors are elderly, it's amazing how many people are on this app! Who knew??)

However, some days I learn too much about what's going on in my neighborhood. I even think I would rather not know. One recent morning I woke up to the following posts:

"Large coyote spotted in the church parking lot!"
"I accosted a man trying to steal my car"
"Pitbull on the loose"

And yes, I do ask myself where have I moved, but part of me thinks if I had been on this app living in Uptown, there would have been similar posts. I was just living in ignorant bliss. And it was glorious.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap, featuring Amy Schumer and "Matt Damon"

I guess they are going to extend this Samantha-Joe debacle until the end of time the season, because another hour of Paradise and it's STILL not resolved. Well-played, producers.

Joe is still obsessed with Sam, and  even seeks advice from the other sad singleton on the island, Ashley I, who tells him to pretend like they've never met and start the relationship over again. Joe tries this out and it blows up in his face, as Sam completely ignores him. Ouch. He tells the camera she can either play nice and they can get married or all hell will break loose and she will crash and burn. Such a Casanova, this guy!

For some reason, Joe thinks blackmailing Samantha by threatening to show the text messages she sent will win her back. Maybe that works in Kentucky, pal, but Sam ain't fallin' for it. In fact, she remains freakishly cool and calm and decides instead to go out with the fresh meat, Justin. (Who claimed on Kaitlyn's season that he looked like Matt Damon. I don't see it.) Since Justin and Joe are friends, this does not sit well with our resident "vill," and the other guys are afraid he's going to blow. But they also see through Samantha's giggles, noting that she is the puppetmaster/chessmaster, with the end game being "total destruction." #truth

Meanwhile, Mikey gets a date card and invites Juelia to Guadalajara to see some good ol' Lucha Libre fighting. Because nothing says romance like wrestling. But Juelia is a good sport (literally), and even agrees to forgo her room and stay with Mikey in the fantasy suite. But they insist they "kept it classy."

Samantha stands by her "drama-free" desires, although Carly tells it like it is: "she's the one who BRINGS the drama!" Will Joe combust? Will Matt Damon "swoop" Sam off her feet? (Thanks Ashley) Stay tuned! TO BE CONTINUED

I don't usually blog about the "After Paradise" talk show because I find it pretty dumb, but they did announce that Ben H is the next Bachelor (the cougar in me rejoices), and Amy Schumer even called in to congratulate him and ask if he would have phone sex. #loveher

Joe and Juelia also appeared, and although he seemed somewhat sincere and embarrassed, I didn't entirely buy it. Why wait until you're on TV to apologize? (To be on TV, duh.) He's a keeper, folks.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: This epiosde brought to you by tequila.

Another dramz-filled episode last night, amiright? We're back with JJ and Joe on the verge of fisticuffs, but they decide to #squashit and walk away. For now. Joe has bigger things to tend to, like his budding relationship with Samantha. But Sam is quick to deny any pre-existing relationship, even though Tanner has seen the screenshots and knows she's lying. Clare even asks how she could do this to her "supposably" good friend, but Sam doesn't bat an eye. Creepy.

Just before the rose ceremony, everyone knows Juelia is on the chopping block and tries to find ways for her to stay, but she doesn't want a pity rose (who does?!). She goes to find Chris Harrison and asks to bring back Mikey, who seemed to like her at the beginning. Chris says this goes against precedent...(hint: that's not a no...)

This is neither here nor there, but I must at this point point out that Ashley I is wearing the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic:



The couples remain: Joe and Sam, Tanner and Jade, Kirk and Carly, Jared and Ashley, Joshua and Tenley. JJ gives his to Ashley S in a surprise move, and then excuses himself from the competition to go home and win back an ex-girlfriend. Loved the patriotic music behind his speech, after which he asks producers, "I didn't say anything stupid, did I?" #winning

Dan gave his rose to Amber, sending Megan, Clare and Juelia home. But wait - Mikey pops out of a suburban and is back to give he and Juelia another shot at paradise.

And speaking of shots...Tanner gets the next date card and invites Jade. They fly to Tequila, Mexico (who knew??), where they learn all about gin. Just kidding - it's tequila! They have a heart-to-heart and realize they are on the same page, and now Jade is officially Tanner's girlfriend. Aw. Thanks, tequila!

Nick from Ashley's season (and Bachelor Pad) arrives, ready to ask out Samantha. Because they were chatting for months prior to coming on the show, and texted and even saw each other in person! She told him if he would be in Paradise, she would say yes to a date with him. Wait a minute. I'm getting deja vu...so she was in communicado with TWO dudes prior to the show? Well-played, Sam. Verrrry evil and slutty of you. So when Nick shows up, her face pales - she's busted! Somehow she politely turns down his offer, and confused, he tells Mikey what's up. Not a fan of Joe (or Samantha, for that matter), Mikey revels in this new information.

Nick has no choice but to ask out Ashley S - she's the only one without a fella. So they head to the dock, where a boat is to take them to their own private Idaho island. But unfortunately a hurricane's a-comin', and the island is closed. Or, as the poor Hispanic captain tried to explain, "closed." But Nick and Ashley don't know what "closed" means in Spanish. Because they don't realize he's freaking speaking ENGLISH. Not the smartest duo, these two. After a few facepalms on my end, they decide to give up on the boat trip and hit a couples tequila massage instead, complete with lots and lots of tequila shots.  And some very awkward moments, when Ashley thought the birds were telling her to do naughty things to Nick:




I mean. No.
They end up drunkenly making out, but Nick thinks she is a little "off." #captainobvious

Back at home, Jared admits he still isn't over Kaitlyn, and it's time to dump Princess Jasmine, aka Ashley I. She cries (duh), and even calls Kaitlyn on the cell phone, asking "What the f@#$ did you DO to him?!" Not sure why Kaitlyn would even answer the phone, but assuming they paid her to do so.

There must be something in the water tequila - because now Sam is acting strange, and Joe can tell. It's his birthday, and all he wants is to spend it with his woman, who he admits is way out of his league. Joe plans a sad little birthday party for the two of them, and Sam uses this opportunity to break things off, saying it's "too much drama," and "maybe he's not such a good guy," and she'd like to "date around" in paradise, kthanks. Joe walks her out, still looking at his uneaten birthday cake, and vows revenge. He's going to show everyone the "700" text messages proving she was in on it from the beginning. He's gonna be like "Gotcha, bitch!"

TO BE CONTINUED

Friday, August 21, 2015

#2 ain't bad.

http://dailycaller.com/2015/08/16/americas-53-best-colleges-period-in-2015-when-you-consider-absolutely-everything-that-matters/

Gimme an S!

One of the many, many TV shows I watch is Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. (Hey - gotta support the home team!) I was intrigued by this:


How does one get to be a "Showmanship Mentor," anyway? Because I would be very interested in this.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Wonder if he specifically asked for "J" names?

I am loving that Josh Duggar got busted for having multiple paid accounts on Ashley Madison. Not sure why this makes me so giddy, but it does. Maybe this, coupled with his sexual abuse of his sisters, will make that crazy family a little more humble and accepting of others, since they aren't exactly the portrait of perfection. Sheesh.

Also heard that over 15,000 of the accounts had .gov or .mil email addresses, and thousands more were .edu. Which brings me to a point I would never think I would have to make: DON'T USE YOUR WORK EMAIL WHEN CHEATING ON YOUR SPOUSE. That's what gmail is for, dummies!

#karmaisabitch

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It's a man's world. At least, it is at Home Depot.

Saturday I went to Home Depot, as I'm apt to do almost weekly these days, and bought caulk and nuts. I giggled to myself, realizing how many tools have male names. And so glad I was able to find this stuff on my own - not sure I could have gone up to a salesman and said, "I'm looking for nuts and cock." Jesus.

Side note: OBSESSED with caulking. Another unfortunate sentence coming in 3...2...1...: I love caulking cracks. HEY-OH

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Joe lies (when he cries)

I tried to find that clip from Say Anything, but no dice. Hopefully y'all catch my drift on this one.

Last night's episode was pretty focused on the Joe-Juelia-Samantha fiasco, once again. We quickly learn that Samantha is in on the scheme - she won't talk to Juelia about it without Joe present - but she chooses to play it coy and wants Joe, who has quickly become public enemy #1, to do the same. Too bad that Joe already came clean (ish) and outed their prior contact, including a text from Sam that told him to "do anything it takes to still be there" when she arrived. Samantha even goes so far as to kick out the guys and push out the camera, hiding behind a bunk bed and telling Joe she lied to producers and he should to. And then she bends down and sees the camera is filming this entire exchange, so she closes the door. #sketchymuch

Joe is defensive as usual, particularly when confronted by JJ (semi-redeeming himself from the "villains gotta vill" on Kaitlyn's season). He doesn't see anything wrong by what he did, even saying Jared did the same thing. Jared pipes up that he did NOT do the same thing, thank you very much. Dates with two different girls doesn't equal starting a relationship with someone beforehand and lying to someone else about it. JJ makes the valid point of why don't they just take their forbidden love and leave the island altogether?? And then makes a confusing point about Joe being circular and needing a straight edge. What now?

In other BIP news, Dan accepts Amber's date request, but wants to smooth things over with Ashley S first. This does not go well, and Ashley ends up hanging out with her real friends, the parakeets (one in particular named Juanita). The crazy is back, folks! Hide your kids, hide your wives. Dan and Amber hit the town and a crowd of people start chanting "beso!" until they kiss. And then "otro!" until they do it again. How much were these people paid, is my question.

Megan and JJ also have a date, yachting and jet-skiing with dolphins (and Megan hopes if things go well there will be some motorboating as well - HEY-OH). JJ announces that her perky breasts and blonde hair more than make up for the fact that he's smarter than her, and Megan announces that "I've never been wet so quickly on a date." Annnnnd scene.

We end the evening with another TO BE CONTINUED, as JJ and Joe seem on the verge of fighting. Bring on the lucha libre!!

Special shout-out to Jorge the bartender for making the opening credits! These remain the most enjoyable part of the show to me. #speaksvolumes

Monday, August 17, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: The "Vill" of the hunt

So Joe sucks. That is pretty much the summary of last night's episode. But in case you want the sordid details...

We open back at the rose ceremony, with Clare having a meltdown to Chris Harrison (the raccoon must have been busy). She wants to leave - there's no one to love - but decides in the end to give her rose to JJ. Ashley I is thrilled, giving hers to Jared, and Juelia makes the Worst Decision Ever and chooses Joe, sending Mikey, Michael and Jonathan home.

Joe had already mentioned (to producers, not to Juelia) that his dream girl was Samantha, and of course that's who arrives next in Paradise! (Weird how this stuff happens, isn't it?) It should be noted that Sam is wearing lace pants. I detest lace pants. Moving on. She beelines it for Joe, asks him on a date, and they come back to the group holding hands. Juelia is not amused - Samantha was her closest friend on Chris' season, and obviously she thought she and Joe had a connection...#realitybites

But others also questioned the speed at which Joe and Samantha became a couple, but when asked point-blank if they had communicated before Paradise, Joe denied everything. (Although apparently told Tanner that yes in fact they did.)

Joe and Sam's date involved a People magazine photoshoot with scantily clad outfits and under-the-shower makeouts. Samantha couldn't stop giggling, and they returned to the group once again hand in hand, and Sam even had a bouquet of flowers. Joe acted as if Juelia wasn't even there, telling everyone what an amazing date they had, and Juelia admitted to feeling disrespected and invisible. Joe didn't see that he had done anything wrong - "It's not church camp!" - but Jared and Joshua convinced him to go talk to Juelia. Which he barely did, refusing to face her and refusing to apologize. #teamjuelia

The cracks may be showing in the foundation of some of the OG relationships - namely Carly and Kirk and Dan and Ashley S. Carly is super horny and turned on by Kirk, but he just got out of a two-year relationship and isn't ready to jump into things (or jump into bed). Carly gets the date card and rocks a special side-braid just for the occasion. Kirk tries to express his concerns, but Carly is giddy and calls her brother in Ireland on his wedding day (which she missed to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Let's let that sink in for a second.), and Kirk decides to man up and sleep with his woman. Who the next morning he says is "like a pinball machine." Ummmm okay.

Dan won't man up with Ashley S, though - her crazy is starting to show, and he wants out. So they have a heart-to-heart and Ashley is blindsided (these girls are super clueless, no?), telling him without him, she is just going to leave the show. Dan doesn't seem to mind this outcome, and hopes someone new will be arriving.

That someone new is Megan from Chris' season, who is so dumb it's embarrassing. She gets lost (as does her luggage) on her way to Paradise, buying a "sobrero" and a muumuu from a street vendor and announcing "Aloha, Mexico!" upon arrival. Facepalm.

Dan is interested, for some unbeknownst reason, but Megan opts for JJ, and wakes him out of a snoring slumber to ask him on a date. This JJ guy gets a lot of sleep. Just saying.

Speaking of dumb, we have another unfortunately edited scene of Clare talking on her cell phone to...wait for it...the raccoon! Not sure whose pet raccoon this is, but I'm impressed. He handles a cell phone much like he handled the bottle of wine a few weeks ago. Poor little raccoon. And poor Clare - I hope she's getting paid extra to get ridiculed like this.

But back to the Joe-Juelie-Samantha love triangle (I miss love squares!) - Ashley S calls what he did to Juelia "emotional abuse," which might be a tad dramatic, but the guys agree you don't shoplift the pootie of a single mom and widow. (shout-out, Jerry Maguire) They insist he talk to Juelia again and actually apologize. But again, Joe acts like a jerk, finally admitting to a month of social media, texts and calls (!) with Samantha before Paradise. Juelia says she feels used, and as a friend to Samantha, feels obligated to tell her what happened. This switches something on in Joe, and he quickly accepts responsibility for everything and says he's sorry. Amazing what the threat of losing your hook-up can do to a guy.

Samantha has now entered the room, and wants to know what's going on. What happened to Juelia to make her so upset??

TO BE CONTINUED.



Friday, August 14, 2015

Probably a sign that I should start going back to church.

Is it sacreligious (or just downright rude) to ask a co-worker to turn down their gospel music at the office? I just got to work, and the office next door is blaring gospel. BLARING. So I can't focus. Guess I can just pop my earbuds in and blare 80s on 8 to myself.

Can I get an amen?

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Beggars can't be choosers, but...

Actual email from a Match guy...

...which I did not respond to.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Vocal stylings

I have had two guys recently tell me I have a great voice. Not singing voice, mind you (they're not delusional) - speaking voice. Now that's a compliment I've never heard before. (Except now, twice.)
Always nice to get positive feedback on something you have no control over. As opposed to, say, your hairstyle/perfume/basically anything else that could be changed with a little cash or effort.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise: Love squares and douchebags

It's week two in "Paradise," but there are so many tears (from girls AND guys), it seems more like "Hell."

Lauren (Ashley I's plus-one) is over it (again), and she wants to go home. She's sweaty, she doesn't like people, and - surprise! she's a mistress to some dude back home. And is perfectly fine with it. She is ready to pack up, but Ashley convinces her to stay one more night to see if her crush Joshua (welder from Kaitlyn's season) will arrive in Paradise. After crying and blowing her nose for about 3 minutes, Lauren agrees.

And arrive he does! But unfortunately for Ashley, he likes Tenley and asks her on a date. Lauren packs her bikinis and wheels her suitcase down the beach, as sister Ashley weeps. As usual. JJ, meanwhile, is super confused as to why a catch like Tenley would go for a "carp" (aka botttomfeeder) like Joshua. Basically he knows his days are numbered on the island.

Tenley has butterflies around Joshua (can we just call him Josh, for the love) and his gigantic man-hands, and reveals that she portrayed Ariel at Tokyo Disney. Cue the animated birds flying around her head. This is a perfect job for Tenley, in my humble opinion. They dance, they take tequila shots, they kiss. All very Disney-esque.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kentucky Joe arrives, and he's been hyped as the funniest guy around! But instead he broods quietly, barely speaking to anyone (except Clare, who he calls out for being in Paradise twice). Apparently he was hoping to give his date card to Samantha. But she's not here, so Juelia basically invites herself on the horseback riding date. This angers Jonathan, who gave Juelia his rose and hopes Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg.

Clare is sad. And who does she turn to when she's sad? Her raccoon pal. Who has clearly devised a coping mechanism for her crazy:


Tenley and Joshua return, only to have Tenley swept away by JJ. Putting on the full court press, JJ starts smooching her and convinces  himself he's back in the running. Cut to Tenley and Joshua, half-naked and making out while JJ snores in his bunk.

Joe and Juelia ride horses and kiss under a waterfall, and Juelia is taken by the fact that Joe asks about her daughter. She thinks this means he did his research, but I think he just couldn't think of anything else to talk about.

Back at the house, Joshua is relaying stories about taking Molly in Vegas, and how he wished they could all have coconuts filled with Molly on the group date. Talk about "Paradise..." But looking around the room, everyone else seems horrified and Mikey and Dan feel they need to protect poor Disney Tenley from this hoodlum. She starts to cry, because everyone cries, and confronts Joshua about his druggie past. He claims to have only "tried it once" and "only partied in college," and somehow little naive Tenley believes him.

Joe and Juelia return from their date, and Ju is giddy but Joe could care less. He even admits to a producer that Juelia seems dumb, was not a good kisser, and he really just wants her rose so he give it to Samantha (who he hopes will be appearing sooner rather than later). And playing the role of douchebag: Kentucky Joe!

Jared gets a date card and invites Clare, to Ashley's dismay ("I can't lose him to a cougar!"). They bungee jump off a cliff, and Clare screams way too loud for way too long. She is thrilled to return to the house to tell everyone that they kissed, which sets Ashley off on another crying jag. Seriously - she should promote waterproof mascara or fake lashes or whatever the hell is on her eyes, because the crazy amount of tears doesn't hamper her eye makeup. #jealous

Next to arrive is diabetic lawyer Michael G, who has only one mission: Tenley. Goodness, last week this girl had no one and now she finds herself in a "love square!"


Mikey G (not to be confused with Mikey T) asks Tenley (or, in his mind, Elevenly) on a date and she accepts. They listen to mariachi music and get some making out in for good measure. #viva

Jared and Clare have a heart-to-heart back at the house, where Jared lets her down not so easily: "You're 8 years older than me. I mean...you look great." Oof. Hurricane Clare starts brewing.

Jonathan and Mikey T both pull Juelia aside to voice their concerns about Joe not being here "for the right reasons," so Juelia pulls a classic BIP move and confronts Joe directly. He opts to confront Mikey and Jonathan directly, because he wants the rose, dammit. In the process he "hashtag made Mikey my bitch" and treated Jonathan "like I was his pimp," leaving Jonathan a sobbing mess and forcing him to apologize to Juelia for falsely accusing Joe of bad behavior. What the hell is this guy's deal. Creeper, level 5.

And speaking of creeper...right before the rose ceremony, Clare erupts at the group, saying they are way worse than Bachelor in Paradise season 1, because that cast was here for love, not for twisted games and politics. And just keeps yelling. At no one.

Jade responds at the rose ceremony that she is offended by Clare's insinuations, and she is there for love, thankyouverymuch. Clare oddly responds with a "if the shoe fits, wear it" and storms off sobbing (which should be the drinking game of the night) because once again there's no one there with love for Clarebear.

A few roses are given out:
Carly to Kirk
Ashley S to Dan
Jade to Tanner
Tenley to Joshua

And then we're hit with a "to be continued..." DAMMIT PEOPLE.