Friday, July 31, 2015

Bad date #7,631 - but who's counting

I finally had one of those dreaded online dates where the guy looks NOTHING like his picture. Unless the picture was taken twenty years ago. Kept trying to make eye contact with fellow diners and mouth the words "HELP ME," but to no avail. Luckily I only had to get through one drink - was stressing out that he was going to want dinner - and got the hell out of there.

Silver lining: free glass of prosecco. Period.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Do they make defibrillators for grass? Because I could use one.

The biggest issue I'm having with being a homeowner is the yard. Not even keeping the grass mowed - keeping the grass alive. I am only allowed to water two days a week, and there is no sprinkler system in the yard. So I've been using one of those little donuts in the front and the back, running back and forth every 20 minutes or so to move it to a different spot. A good workout, but not a good plan long-term.

So imagine my delight when this arrived yesterday. I bought two - one for the front, one for the back, and after testing them out I can safely say this is THE BEST $40 I HAVE EVER SPENT. Game-changer, people.

And yes, I realize it is very sad to get this excited about a sprinkler. Sue me.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Can't we all just get along??

Went on a first date on Saturday, and aside from the fact that he lives in Arlington (not exactly geographically desirable), I had a good time. Until he asked what my political views were. Which, I believe, is one of the things you are NOT supposed to talk about on a first date. And there's a reason for that.

I told him he probably wouldn't like what I was going to say, and of course we are of differing political views. I told him I was used to that, living in Texas, and so I choose not to discuss politics because it just leads to disagreements. As long as you don't push your views on me or tell me I'm wrong for my beliefs, we're good. Plus I don't vote in the little elections (sorry), so this really should only come up every four years.

Unless you're like this guy and it's extremely important. Which is why he texted me the next day to say conservatives and liberals were too different and we would not be going out again. Alrighty then. Yay America.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bachelorette recap: We have a winner! (And a loser)

And then there were two: Nick versus Shawn, vying for Kaitlyn's hand. Now it's time for the guys to meet HER parents - still in Utah, because clearly the travel budget is kaput. Kaitlyn being Kaitlyn, she tells her family how far she went with Nick, and then tells Nick she told them. Which of course makes Nick super nervous, and his already tight jeans feel just a little tighter. Plus, her family remembers him from Andi's season, and not in a good way, so he has a bit of explaining to do. But he wins them over with his charm, and Kaitlyn's father says he'd be happy to give his daughter away to Nick.

But wait - there's The Other Guy! Shawn must overcome being called jealous by Kaitlyn's family, but flashes his abs (or was just in my imagination?) and wins them over, even making Kait's sister downright giddy. He flat-out asks for her parents' blessing to propose, which they of course give. Top that, Viall!

Back in LA (again, where is the travel budget??) for the last two dates, and Nick and Kaitlyn spend the day making out on a boat. That night, he tells her he has a present for her in his bedroom. I'm not sure if the acoustics were bad in there, or if she thought it was a sexual innuendo, but she made him repeat this statement about four times. But all he had waiting was a picture frame holding a photo of them on their first date and a love poem spotlighting her lips. Cue more making out.

Then it's Shawn's turn, and the day date at a winery doesn't go so well, because Kaitlyn is all awkward and "in her own head." But by the evening she's let loose (via a top with lots of cut-outs) and is excited about Shawn's "memory jar" full of photos, golf balls, notes, and basically trash from their previous dates. (Totally reminded me of the box Rachel kept all of her "Ross dates" stuff in from Friends, but I digress.)

It's engagement day, and Neil Lane pays a visit to both guys. Nick makes a funny when he is reminded that the knock on the door last time was Andi dumping him, and he's so much happier to see Neil Lane at the door instead. (foreshadowing sigh) Both guys pick out nice statement ring-sized rocks, and head to the bachelor house to propose or get dumped on national television.

NOTE: They are doing this at the bachelor house. Not Bali. Not even Malibu. No - the wet driveway where this all began. C'mon, number crunchers. This is just sad.

Up first is Nick, so we know it's not going to go well. Again. Kaitlyn lets him get all the way through his proposal speech up to pulling out the damn ring box, and finally tells him to stop. I couldn't watch. So mortifying. She really had nothing to say except "oh, my god" and Nick was pissed. He was short with her, saying she didn't love him and he loved her for more than a moment and she took things from him (hey-oh). She countered that everything she felt and did (hey-oh) was real, but he wasn't biting it and wanted to get the hell out of there. He's 0 for 2, people. Ouch. In the rejection limo, he throws the engagement ring at the producers (thanks for nothing, Neil Lane!) and even takes off his Irish ring that he and Kaitlyn bought in Dublin and throws that at the producers as well. He feels like the world's biggest joke. Can't say I blame him.

Kaitlyn must dry her tears, because it's time to get engaged y'all! Shawn arrives looking dapper, and gives a very sweet, heartfelt speech about being in love with from the moment he saw her (even citing back to when she was kicked off of Chris' season). Kaitlyn can finally tell him he's the one (um, for the second time), and that she is HIS and ONLY HIS (not Nick's anymore) forever! Shawn tears up, gets down on one knee, and asks her to marry him. She says omg yes and he accepts the final rose. They are fairly adorable, to be fair and semi un-cynical.

After the final rose, they are finally able to be in public together, and they are giddy, Kaitlyn says she feels like it's Christmas morning. (Aw.) But there are still some issues to talk about. Namely, Nick. Chris brings him out by himself to ask about his previous relationship with Kaitlyn. (NOTE: He will ask the same question again, no less than four times, of a variety of different people.) Nick faces off with Shawn, and they can sort of put the past behind them, although I doubt Nick will be getting invited to the wedding, and Nick confronts Kaitlyn, saying she should have told him prior to his engagement speech that he wasn't the one, so he could save those words for someone else. Really? You're going to recycle the proposal? I do agree that she could have stopped him before he got so far into things, however - and even Kaitlyn agreed she would handle things differently.

No announcement about the bachelor, but media outlets are reporting it's Ben H, which I can certainly get on board with. Sorry Nick. Maybe the third time's a charm??

Monday, July 27, 2015

Phoning home

Watched ET last night - I had forgotten how great that movie was. I laughed. I cried. I wanted some Reese's Pieces. It reminded me that we once watched ET in Spanish back in middle school. And ET en espanol is pretty much the same, although it's clearly not Debra Winger. "ET telefono casa!" Winning in any language.

Friday, July 24, 2015

My dating life has gone to the dogs. Literally.

It was bound to happen - Tinder for dogs, aka Tindog, is a thing. You can search for friends for your dog, or friends for yourself (hey-oh), and I have my first doggie/human date this weekend. Here's hoping Charlie and (my date's dog dog) Murray get along and it's not a total barking/growling nightmare. Or maybe they'll get along too well, better than the humans, and we'll have to stay together for the kids. #whatismylife

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Boom goes the dynamite. And my body.

You know what's worse than getting a painful bruise on your arm? Getting that bruise on top of a pre-existing painful bruise. Seriously - double bruising. It ain't pretty. I should start strapping my arms to my body when walking around, just to avoid inevitably crashing them into something.

Sidebar: If I were to sort my blog posts into categories, I think the top three would be Bachelor/Bachelorette, bad dates and bruises. I DO love a good alliteration...

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Hello caller - you're on the air!

I've started listening to Today Show Radio and Entertainment Weekly Radio in the mornings on SiriusXM. This morning, EW was talking about Back to the Future and Huey Lewis' "Power of Love." I decided to call in because I had a funny story about that song. I have tried calling in to radio stations in the past, of course, but have never gotten through. Not once. Until today. The phone rang and a girl picked up, asking my name and where I was from. Then she asked what my comment was, and told me to hold on. I could hear the hosts talking, taking other calls, and I started breathing fast. Why I was nervous, I have no idea. I really just didn't want to stutter or forget what I was saying.

Then I heard, "Now let's hear from Sarah in Dallas - she has a funny wedding story about Power of Love?" And I told my story about how, at my brother's wedding, they had a friend stand up and do a reading of that song and the entire crowd started laughing when we realized what was happening, The hosts loved my story and said thank you and I hung up. And then, thanks to the 7-second delay, I heard myself on the radio! Crazy stuff. And kind of a rush. Not gonna lie.


Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Men Tell All. Or at least, some.

This may be the most controversial Bachelorette ever, but I found this Men Tell All to be a bit lackluster. We never heard from yogi Tony or Cupcake, the Clint/JJ bromance was briefly addressed and just as quickly put to bed (ha), Ben Z and Ben H are clearly the crowd favorites, Jared is still hung up on Kaitlyn and Corey likes to give his two cents on everything, although no one remembers who Corey is.

The only semi-significant thing that happened was Ian's weird, yet heartfelt, apology. He literally got down on one knee to beg forgiveness, but when one of the guys asked if he was proposing, he got down on both knees. He sincerely apologized to the guys, to America, to Kaitlyn and to Kaitlyn's mother. (And probably to the producers, in case they DO want him to be the next Bachelor...)

Kaitlyn came out in this glittery dress - and did anyone else see butt cheek?

That spot right there, with no sequin coverage. Where's Jillian's black bar when you really need it?? (On Bachelor in Paradise, apparently)

But I digress. Chris Harrison addressed the controversy, and read some of the mean tweets Kait has received. She got a standing ovation from the crowd and from the guys, and even I felt a little sorry for her. She wiped away a tear with yet another statement ringed-hand and addressed questions from Jared and Ben H. She even accepted a rose from Bryan (the dude who got "horned up" on the very first episode and didn't even make it to the rose ceremony) and an apology card (and more kneeling, until a leg cramp forced him to stand) from Ian. The topic of Nick got the guys a little heated - why not date him off the show? Why tell us your husband was in the room before Nick even arrived? Etc. Some valid points, especially by Tanner, but Kait shot down Jonathan's complaints beautifully: "Didn't you vote for Britt??" BURN.

Speaking of, I half expected Britt and Brady to appear, but maybe that's After the Final Rose?

The blooper reel closed the show, with lots of footage of Kaitlyn being terrified of birds. Especially pigeons. Cue Kentucky Joe donning a creepy bird mask and rushing the stage. Good times, everyone. Good times.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Impressive from A to Z.

In the past two weeks, I have gone out with no less than four different guys. And I like NONE of them. What in the hell is wrong with me. Seriously. Here are some of the problems:

Guy A was a runaway, lived in foster care and only keeps in touch with 4 of his 8 siblings. (I actually could probably get past this - he never called me back after our date though.)

Guy B might have a gambling problem.

Guy C sweated so much over drinks (indoors, mind you) I was a little worried about him. And he didn't smell all that great. Musty, if you will.

Guy D keeps talking about how little money he has. Which again, I could get over, but that's not really the way to sell yourself on a first date.

And Guy E, who I have yet to meet, is technically still married. So there's that.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Because sometimes problems just "go away"

Was going to take my car in today - the Sync radio system needs to be reset, which involves a fuse box and unhooking the battery (which makes me entirely too nervous to do myself). But since Wednesday, the problem is no longer there. So I guess the car just fixed itself, amiright?? Because that happens sometimes...


Thursday, July 16, 2015


My first roach sighting in the new home last night. Le sigh. (and ew.) What are the chances that it was a single, isolated incident??


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Gag me. Literally.

Monday night I was ready for a good night's sleep. Didn't get much rest over the birthday weekend, so was excited to hit the hay. And then I heard that dreaded sound - the dog, dry heaving on the bed. That sound could move mountains. I shot up and tried to get her off the bed in time, but it was mid-puke and she hit the bed, my socks, the carpet...ugh. Cut to an hour later, after I did laundry and changed my socks and soothed much for getting some rest! #petparentproblems

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Bachelorette recap: Tight jeans, the "l" word and cougars

After a brief recap, we're reminded that we are STILL in Ireland and Nick and Shawn are STILL fighting. Someone give these two their own show! (Has to be better than Matthew Perry's re-telling of The Odd Couple...) The Nick-Shawn fight (round 1) basically ends in a draw, and it's Ben H's turn to have his overnight date. (Yes, poor Ben is still there.)

They ride horses - Kaitlyn is a virgin  (on a HORSE, people.) - and retreat to a castle for deep talks and smooches. Ben admits that he just turned 26 while on the show, which means they are nearly 5 years apart, and I think it affects Kaitlyn a little too much. But Ben is so cute and so sweet and so in love that they capitalize on the fantasy suite and, as Kaitlyn says, only get about 20 minutes of sleep. Ummmm because they talked all night, obvi.

Kaitlyn is kind of bummed out - they had a better time than she was hoping they would, making her decision all the more difficult. But instead of moping, she heads to play golf with Shawn for his overnight date. They both don ridiculous golf outfits, and Shawn starts strong but ends up hitting most of his balls into the water. Kait dares him to hit the next shot naked, and thankfully he obliges. THANKFULLY. She then steals his clothes and he chases her around the golf course, thankfully still naked. THANKFULLY. At dinner, Nick's name comes up and Kaitlyn sees just how much they hate each other. Hell - Shawn still can't even say his name! But once again the overnight fantasy card arrives to save the day, and all is forgotten.

Until Shawn does the walk of shame the next morning, only to find Nick waiting for him around the corner. Nick wants Shawn to hear HIS side of things, but Shawn isn't having it and would rather they never speak again. Because dead air makes for good TV.

It's rose ceremony time, and Kaitlyn is distraught. Not because a boob is about to pop out of her very low-cut orange dress, but because she has to send someone home and she's pretty much in love with everyone at this point. Including herself. But someone must go, and sadly that someone is Ben. He is blindsided and sad, but what are you gonna do. Except hopefully become the next Bachelor. (Please?)

We're finally back in the U S of A, and Kaitlyn is going to meet the parents. Both sets are conveniently staying at the Montage in Park City, Utah (nice plug!) - so I guess the hometown dates are out. Weird and more budget-cutting. First up is Nick's family, who is on edge because they feel like they just did this. And they did. A year ago. With Andi. Mom is crying, big sis is protective, and little sis once again just wants to know if Kaitlyn is in love with her brother. They are all shocked to hear it's down to the final two, and not sure if this is good news or bad news. But Kait and Nick survive, and later Nick, who earlier in the day professed his love was stronger than what he felt for Andi, tells Kaitlyn they should have babies. Alrighty.

Next it's time to meet Shawn's dad, aunt and two sisters, who are infamously protective of their baby brother. But they can see there's a mutual attraction there, and even though his dad asks him "what the hell is going on?" he gives his blessing and Shawn feels he can now safely tell Kaitlyn he loves her. She is super psyched to hear this, but later bawls on her balcony. What is she going to do? Multiple men love her! They all want to marry her! Must be nice.

Next week: Men Tell All! Bring it, Ian!

Monday, July 13, 2015


I finally watched The Big Chill this weekend - good stuff. Great music, great actors, nice shot of Kevin Costner's hair - but I was very troubled by the fact that Glenn Close was okay with her husband sleeping with - and hopefully impregnating - Mary Kay Place! What in the world. I had to go back and watch that part again to make sure I didn't miss something.

Ah, those crazy 1980s. It was a simpler time.

Friday, July 10, 2015

The mind's the first thing to go

Turning 38 today (!), and clearly signs of old age have already begun to surface. I use a mobile app on my phone to arm and disarm the alarm at home (because god forbid I actually press any buttons, old-school style). Every 30 days or so it asks you to re-enter your password to ensure that someone hasn't stolen your phone. So it did that the other day, and I completely blanked on my password. Which happens to me quite a bit, actually. So I went online to reset it, and it asked me three seemingly simple security questions. Which I continued to get wrong until it finally locked me out of the system altogether and I had to resort to old-school alarm disarming status. Tragically, two of the questions were "what is your father's middle name?" and "what is your sibling's middle name?" So I'm hoping it was the third one, "what is the last name of the first person you kissed?", that got me into trouble. (Sidebar: how invasive are these questions becoming?? What happened to "what's your favorite color?")

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Can we at least wait until I've had my coffee?

Flipping through Sirius XM channels this morning, I landed on Howard Stern. It was a commercial break, and I was fairly shocked to hear a commercial for Ashley Madison (the website for "married, dating and discreet encounters" - aka affairs), followed by a commercial for Casper mattresses - "because you want good sleep and you want good sex."

Wow - those are some racy commercials before 8am. (Obviously I'm not a Howard Stern person - guessing this is fairly standard.) Think I'll head back to my safety zone of 80s on 8.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Grassy knoll

In case you're wondering, this is what happens when you put an old window on the lawn in the summer (for bulk trash pick-up, obvi):

The sun basically burned the grass to a crisp! Maybe I'll get a bunch of them and make a giant checkerboard.


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Bachelorette recap: Popping the Cork

We're still in Ireland (for what seems like an eternity - guessing ABC's budget has been cut), and Kaitlyn still has to get the five guys down to three for overnight fantasy dates. Ben H gets the first date card, and although Kait is tuckered out from crying all week, she pushes through like the grown-up she is - and plays hide and seek. Later they talk about all the feelings and Ben admits to being scared of being unlovable. Kaitlyn tells him he is in fact lovable, and is ready to love him pretty soon. But Ben wants to stay up all night and talk. Which leads Kaitlyn to ask him point-blank if he's a virgin. Ouch. He isn't, for the record, but he's glad he comes off as "innocent and pure of heart." Oof. She then presses him for details on his first time. Damn, girl. He totally deserves the rose for this kind of peer pressure.

Back at the hotel, a date card arrives with Shawn, Nick and Joe's name on it. Not much happens on this date, although Kaitlyn is trying to get up the nerve to tell Shawn that she slept with Nick. (why, god - why?). Shawn steals her away first, to get back on track after the whole "let's take a step back" fiasco at the last rose ceremony. They are both bummed that they didn't kiss after that conversation, and vow to never let that happen again. Just as she looks ready to tell her sordid truth, Nick arrives to steal her away. (well-played, producers)

Kaitlyn asks Nick what he thought about their intimate night. As any guy would, Nick says he feels real good about it.  He throws in an "I'm falling in love you" for good measure, and they kiss, even though I am super distracted by her glittery eyeshadow. I want to hate it, but I also want to buy it. Curses.

It's Joe's turn, and he is totally falling for Kaitlyn, even though it's clear to everyone that she is minutes (nay, seconds) away from dumping him. Dudes - when she can't look you in the eye as you're pouring your heart out, it's NOT a good sign. Poor Joe is totally blindsided (although he tells her he's "cool") and rightfully pissed. Doesn't even get an exit interview because he storms off. Later, dude. Maybe Bachelor in Paradise??

Kaitlyn returns to Shawn and "The Other Guy," which is what Shawn not-so-lovingly calls Nick, and informs them that not only is there no rose on this date, but Nick is going back to the hotel so she can spend some time with Shawn. Aka telling her boyfriend she slept with her other boyfriend. Yay!
She struggles to get it out - I thought she was going to leave it at "things went too far" - but finally comes right out and says "we had sex." And Shawn just sits there. He stews over the fact that she did it, and especially that she did it with The Other Guy, but he loves this girl, y'all. He has to man up and stick it out! He can't tell the other guys he knows, so he returns to the hotel and tells them he had a great time and feels super-confident he'll get the rose. This concerns Nick a bit...

Then it's rose ceremony time again! Jared hopes to get a chance to talk to Kaitlyn, but she has made up her mind and is blinding everyone in her shimmery mirror dress anyway, so let's get on with it. Shawn gets the first rose, but says "we need to talk." He doesn't understand why, after he told Kaitlyn what he thought of Nick, would she go ahead and do that with him? Especially after she told Shawn he was the one?! All valid points, IMO. Kaitlyn strikes back with "I shouldn't have told you you were the one halfway through." Duh. And "I'm obviously here to explore other relationships, since in the end this will be my LAST relationship." Shawn is somehow placated by this, and accepts the rose. Ben H snags a rose, and the final rose goes to Nick, which concerns Shawn a bit...

And poor Jared is sent packing. Ever the gentleman, he offers Kait his coat outside. He is nothing but nice, and she sobs, saying she has only good things to say about him. Perhaps Ethan Hawke was a ibt too nice?

Off to Cork for three overnight fantasy dates! (Seriously - the budget. They used to go to Bora Bora and shit.) First up is Nick, and they have a boozy date of day-drinking, confessing in church (what IS it with them and churches??), smooching in public and trying to understand what the Irish are saying.
Later on, Nick badmouths Shawn because that's what these guys do, and accepts the key to the fantasy suite. Which Kaitlyn at first convinces him is an abandoned jail cell, complete with pallets on the ground. Nick just wants sex - he doesn't care where - so is fine with this arrangement. In the morning, they debate bacon versus Canadian bacon and are super comfortable with each other. Kaitlyn claims they stayed up and ate chocolate. I assume she left out "off each other's bodies."

Shawn calls the front desk to find out where Nick is staying, and pays him a little unneighborly visit. He tells Nick he doesn't think he's here for the right reasons, and that if Kaitlyn knew the truth he wouldn't still be here. He saw him on last season, and none of the guys liked him! So what do you have to say for yourself, Other Guy?? Nick says "you don't know me, man" and "you can't compare last season to this season" and blah blah testosterone and blah blah To Be Continued.

We do get an update on Britt and Brady, who are now trying to make the long distance thing work. This thing is doomed.

Monday, July 6, 2015


Fireworks are so cool. But hard to get pictures of. Most of the ones I took were complete fails, showing nothing but a dark sky and maybe some smoke, since the fireworks had already dissipated by the time my phone actually took the picture. Some might say you should just put the damn phone down and watch the fireworks like a normal person. Some might say.

Thursday, July 2, 2015

You know it's probably not a love match when

Had the following conversation on Tinder yesterday:

Me: Hi! Getting ready for the long weekend?
Him: I'm only off on Saturday.
Me: Wow - what do you do for a living?
Him: I work for Plano Parks and Rec.
Me: Wow! Just like Leslie Knope!
Him: Who?


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Talk to me, Goose

Am I the only one excited by the prospect of a Top Gun sequel? I have a few suggestions for the producers, which also proves that I have seen this movie too many times:

1. NOT a remake. A sequel.
2. If you bring back Maverick, we will also need cameos from Iceman and Slider (and possibly Goose in a flashback)
3. No Kelly McGillis is needed.
4. Three words: Beach. Volleyball. Scene.
5. Danger Zone.
6. Another serenade of an unsuspecting lady in a bar.
7. Finally: please do not cast Zac Efron in the lead role.

Thank you.