Wednesday, September 30, 2015

It's time to play the music

So I may be alone on this, but I'm enjoying the new Muppet Show. The voices are different, it's more adult, blah blah - but it's still the Muppets. On my TV. And I'm happy. (Aside from Kermit's girlfriend Denise. Please. She is no Miss Piggy.)

Sidebar: I would totally watch a late-night talk show hosted by Miss Piggy. This should definitely be a thing.


Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Dog days of fall.

So I'm dog-sitting for a friend, and Ace is staying with me for 11 days. 11! 4 down, 7 to go. But who's counting. (I am.) Ace is sweet, but he's much bigger than Charlie (like 50 pounds), which unfortunately means his poops are much bigger than Charlie (like 10 pounds). It's all I can do to pick it up. Which leaves me wondering - if it's not my dog, do I have to pick up his poop? (Answer: duh. But it's so gross guys!!)

Plus, he eats all of Charlie's food, drinks her water and destroys her toys. If she starves to death over these 11 days, I will not be amused.

The only solace? I'm making my friend keep Charlie for 10 days while I'm in Europe. She better get to eat, dammit.

#wasthinkingaboutgettinganotherdog #notanymore

Monday, September 28, 2015

As long as it's tentacles and not testicles

I am not exactly an adventurous eater. I know what I like, know what I don't, and know what I wouldn't should I ever be forced to try it (tuna fish sandwich, I'm talking to you). So when asked to try octopus over the weekend, I wasn't thrilled. Hoping it "tastes like chicken," I ate a bite. It wasn't gross, but it was so chewy it took like five minutes to eat. So probably won't become a big octopus fan, but at least I can say I tried it? #iamanoctopussy

Friday, September 25, 2015

Garth = god

Had the most amazing time at the Garth Brooks concert. Even after six shows in four days, the man sounded great and is a consummate performer. He sang hit after hit after hit, transporting me back to the early 90s and making me realize I don't have nearly enough Garth songs on my iPod. Going to rectify that this weekend.

He was so funny, too - said the only reason he performs with a guitar is to hide his big gut. #amen

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Won't you be my neighbor

Update on the neighbor who asked me out: he found me walking the dog yesterday after work and approached, apologizing for being so blunt and asking me on a date. I laughed it off, and he said  he was just lonely and wanted a friend to talk to (not romantic). He then presented me with a book he wrote about his wife, and added that there is lots in the book about him as well. He even said, "If you read this, you will know me intimately. It's like 50 Shades of Grey." Ummmm pass. And then added, "I say your name like 10 times a day!" Took me a minute to realize he was talking about his dog, also named Sarah.

Good times in the 'hood.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I mean I lost a bracelet at the bottom of a pool once...

I saw this truck while driving to work today and frankly I'm intrigued. Came to work and Googled the company:

Is there really a big need for underwater searches in Dallas? The truck said "It's not lost, it's just wet." Again, intriguing.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Back in my day, kids...

Really enjoying the "Do you remember the 60s, 70s and 80s" account on Facebook. Now, I don't remember the 60s or 70s (how old do you think I AM?!), but the 80s flashbacks are greatness.


Monday, September 21, 2015

Clearly I DON'T have friends in low places

I, along with the rest of Dallas, was supposed to go see Garth Brooks on Friday night. (He's playing seven shows in six days - get em, cowboy!) A guy from Match had invited me a few weeks ago, and we texted back and forth many times, even meeting face-to-face on Tuesday. Not a love match for me, but hey - it's Garth Brooks! Friday rolled around, and I texted him to let him know how excited I was, and what time did he want to meet up? Annnnnnd radio silence. I never did hear from him again, and was instead treated to a bajillion photos and videos on Facebook from everyone else I know who got to see Garth live. What a tool - at least tell me you're sick, or hell that you invited someone else! But radio silencio is no bueno.

UPDATE: A sweet co-worker got tickets tomorrow night, so even though Garth will probably be completely hoarse and exhausted, I'll still be there with my boots on.

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Great Crate Date

Went to this matchmaking thing last night at a bar/record store. Cool idea - you find a record that either represents you or you think makes a good conversation piece, and put it in the corresponding box ("Men for women," "Women for men," "Men for men," etc.) Then the guys look through the crate and pick out a record that speaks to them and vice versa, and if someone picks your record you have a mini-date with them.

I decided on The Jimi Hendrix Experience (mostly because I couldn't find any 80s music), but was deterred by the fact that there were only girls at this thing, no guys. But this was only the first one, and apparently they host these every month. However, I'm guessing the guys that come to Deep Ellum to do this are a little too hipster for me. I did wear an ironic slogan t-shirt, though... #sohipithurts

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Uncalled for, Facebook. Uncalled for.

Why do I get this as a "suggested post"on my Facebook page??

I mean. Not married. Not pregnant. Unless this is like a psychic prediction? "We strongly suggest you like this post because you're going to need it?" (Although to be fair I think these ultrasound photos are creepy and I wouldn't get a photography session of an unborn baby regardless. So thanks but no thanks.)

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

On Wednesdays we wear pink

Last night I went to an event at my high school. It was a fun flashback seeing so many faces from other grades that I haven't seen in 20 (!) years. But there were a few mean girls in the mix who remain mean girls today. I went up to one and said "hi! how are you?!", and she looked me up and down and acted like she didn't know me. (We were wearing nametags. Plus thanks to Botox everyone looks the same.) Whatevs - after a few glasses of wine everyone was hugging it out. #thanksalcohol

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

We Shall Overcomb

Why do I have so many friends that were at the Trump for President rally in Dallas last night?? Seriously.

The only explanation that would make sense would be to attend for entertainment value - you never know what he's going to say. Here's hoping that was the reason...


Monday, September 14, 2015

Still got it??

A widower on my block asked me on a date last week. We "met" while walking our dogs and he is retired and over 60 for sure. He asked me to dinner and added, "There aren't many single people in our neighborhood!" Ummmm how old do you think I am, sir? (Of course I didn't want to be rude so hemmed and hawed and said "sure sounds fun!" but plan on never actually making plans.) #morebotoxstat

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Think I'd rather assume he's married

Another chapter for my future book on dating (mis)adventures: this guy emailed me from Match last week, saying "I think I'm in love! Too soon??" (Needing to move at a quicker pace these days, I'm actually fine with that opening line.) We started emailing, then texting - and I noticed he had removed his Match profile. But he swore he wasn't married - just takes it down when he "meets" someone he likes so he doesn't get distracted. That's nice, but a lot of pressure! We set a date for Wednesday, and I checked in with him Monday to make sure we were still on. He assured me we were, and that he had checked out my pictures a few more times. And I never heard from him again. (How bad are my pictures?!)

Quickest path from "love" to "hate" I ever saw. Good times. The real kicker: he also went to UNC! #humph

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Diet starts NOW

I wish I could say these injuries were from something cool, like fighting off a bear or even falling off a bike. But no, this happened in Colorado when I was laying out at the pool and my lounge chair buckled under my weight and I fell to the concrete. Good times and not at all a blow to my ego. #sarcasm

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: The end is near. Actually, the end is here!

That's right - last night was the finale of BIP. And after twice weekly airings, plus the After Paradise talk show, the end couldn't come soon enough. Here's my short and sweet synopsis:

Many paradise-goers were sent home alone: Mikey (after rejecting Juelia and then getting rejected by Mackenzie). (Juelia.) (Mackenzie.) Dan. Ashley S. Jared (after rejecting Ashley I and most likely refusing to take her v-card). (Ashley I.) Amber. Chelsie. Jaclyn (after getting rejected by Justin in favor of the last temptress to arrive, Cassandra).

The remaining "couples" will get a one-on-one date and a night in the fantasy suite! Everyone is pumped but Kirk, who looks like someone killed his dog. Clearly he's not feeling it and he knows he has to break the news to Carly. She does NOT take it well. Runs off, won't let him explain, calls him a liar and bursts into tears. He seems pretty shell-shocked about the whole thing, telling the guys it's the worst break-up he's ever experienced. More than that, Kirk, it's the Most Dramatic Break-up in Bachelor History!

Their breakup causes some tension with everyone left in the house. Tanner puts Jade's fears to rest and they exchange "I love you's." Cassandra refuses to share the fantasy suite with Justin because she's a mom. (Okay...) And Tenley tells Joshua she doesn't know if they will survive in the real world - I mean, he lives in Iowa for god's sakes! And refuses to go by "Josh!"

In the end, Tenley refuses Joshua's rose, but the other couples decide to try things out outside of Paradise:

Justin and Cassandra (NOTE: She appeared on the aftershow and is now dating fellow contestant Jonathan.)
Nick and Samantha (NOTE: Nick says she is the girl of his dreams because she's so hot. That's the ONLY reason. Yet Amber called in to the aftershow to announce that they are indeed still together. Alrighty then.)
Tanner and Jade (NOTE: he did not give her his rose. But instead got down on one knee and popped the question. #engaged)

And there you have it. Another successful and mind-numbing season of Bachelor in Paradise. What in the hell am I going to do with myself on Monday nights now?!

Friday, September 4, 2015

Maybe she's a psychic and can predict the future?

My sweet yet confused grandmother saw the news that Donald Trump would not run for a third party nomination yesterday, and misinterpreted, telling us that he was out of the GOP race entirely! I turned on the news and didn't see anything, checked FB (my source of news) and didn't see anything, and realized what she did. Poor thing still didn't believe us this morning, saying everyone on the news must have misunderstood, too. Okay. #91folks

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Not ok-9

Why do I get nervous seeing drug- and bomb-sniffing dogs wandering around the airport, when I know I have nothing to hide? #ordoi #justkidding

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Coyote Ugly

Well, finally had a coyote run-in this morning. Was out walking Charlie and two coyotes were trotting up the street towards us. I thought to bring my pepper spray, but was still pretty terrified. I scooped up Charlie and crossed to the other side of the street, stage-whisper yelling at them to stay the hell away. (It was 4:45am, so I didn't want to die, but I also didn't want to wake up the neighbors.) Thank goodness they crossed over to the other side, but it was scary. I guess I'm going to invest in a really big stick. Or get a pet roadrunner.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Bachelor in Paradise recap: An alien wedding

In another scene straight out of Friends, we open with the girls frolicking in the ocean. Until Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish. And thanks to Friends, we all know someone has to pee on the sting to get the pain to go away. So a brave (and apparently thirsty) Tenley agrees to take one for the team. Good times in Paradise, people.

Carly's plan to distract Dan from liking Sam by instead liking Chelsie, but she opts to ask Nick on the date instead. He accepts, and then opts to "break up" with Ashley S by telling her she smells like a brewery. Yay. Chelsie and Nick are on a boat - but Nick doesn't feel the romantic spark, and instead talks about his textual relations with Sam. Yay again.

Back on shore, Dan tries to show how much he and Sam have in common. I mean, they both like white rice. Match made in heaven, much??

Mackenzie from Chris' season arrives, dumber than ever, and tries to figure out what her date card means: "Pick a man you see a future with." She decides it must be about aliens, because she believes in them. (As well as mermaids, but that's a tougher date.) She picks Justin, which pisses Amber off. Not sure why, since she only gave him her rose as a default, but I guess when you want to stay in Paradise, any fresh blood that poses a threat can be disheartening. Mac and Justin are both parents (which is terrifying, after listening to Mackenzie talk), so she is excited about this "futuristic" date. Which turns out to be a wedding. THEIR wedding. All en espanol, which neither of them understand ("ropa" is clothes, doofuses! not rope!), but at least Justin gets that "circulo" is "circle." At one point Mac wonders if she is about to be sacrificed. "Because I'm definitely not a virgin." Hey-oh! My favorite part: at the end of the ceremony when the shaman says "Felicidades" (congratulations), and Mackenzie responds with "Como esta?" BRILLIANT. She thinks they are legit married, which is highly concerning to Justin, realizing the very brief honeymoon period is now over.

Jaclyn from Ben's season arrives, with a new platinum 'do, a short onesie and an attitude. She doesn't know any of these people, therefore she doesn't care about them. Relationships? Screw it - these guys are probably sick of these women, and could use a breath of fresh air. She narrows in on Jared, but just as she's about to use her date card on him, Ashley I swoops in with a date card of her own, an overnight fantasy suite date card courtesy of Chris Harrison. (So wait - all a girl has to do to get a date is ask Chris? Good to know.)

Ashley I and her fake hair extensions are ready to give up the v-card. Sadly she thinks it's her only way of getting to stay in Paradise. (Not the best reason to have sex, kiddies.) But will Jared take it? STAY TUNED...