At a friend's last night drinking wine and watching the Game Show Network. Not sure I even get that channel at home, but I'm certainly going to get it. Because following Family Feud was a very eye-opening show called The American Bible Challenge, hosted by none other than Jeff Foxworthy. (Is he changing his "you might be a redneck" to "you might be a Christian..."??) Teams compete for cash by answering Bible trivia. I would be THE WORST on this show. Would just keep throwing out "Abraham?" "Jesus?" "Nazareth?" That about sums it up. Can I get an Amen?
The other morning I came back in from walking the dog, and the concierge at my building asked if I ever saw the BOBCAT that frequented our parking garage. Um, no. No I have not seen a bobcat. I told him that, and semi-joked that I better keep a close eye on my dog. His response: "If you're going to scared about anything, it should be the pack of coyotes that live across the street." WHAT. I live close to downtown Dallas, people - not out in the boonies. #texas
I had not one, but TWO friends email me yesterday to ask if I was watching a new reality show about little people, "Little Women: LA." (Of course I am - it's set on my DVR.)
It was fascinating - the best quote of the night was "Dwarves do NOT move furniture!" - but the fact that multiple people I know saw the preview and thought it might be something I would be interested in watching makes me rethink some things.
Although to be fair, I DID watch a documentary on the History Channel, World Wars. So that should balance things out.
The fellas, as Chris Harrison calls them, move into the mansion and start drinking bloodies and rocking hoodies as they prepare for the dates this week. Andi arrives wearing jorts and saying "y'all" to pick up Eric for the first one-on-one date, "love is everywhere." The date begins at the beach, where the two crazy kids build sandcastles and make sand angels. And then of course a helicopter arrives to whisk them to part two of the date, this time on a snowy mountain. And Andi is still in jorts and possibly barefoot. They change into snowboarding gear and get a lesson from a pro before going it alone. Eric is of course an excellent snowboarder; Andi, not so much, which she proves by falling and cursing the entire time. The date is "epic" and over tales of nearly getting killed in Syria, Eric secures the rose. He is so adorable and the whole time I'm cringing thinking about his poor parents and siblings watching this back posthumously.
Back at the manse, the group date card arrives: "Let's BARE our souls." This has the guys excited about getting bare nekkid and dropping trow. Boys will be boys, I guess. And BOY is this date fun: exotic dancing for "charity." (I'm sorry - "Bachelor Gives Back" is a little too broad for me to doff my clothes in front of a live audience. Gives Back to what?!) Some of the guys are a little nervous, and others are busy staring at Josh M's abs, but they all manage to pull it off. (Their pants, that is - hey-oh!) It's all very Magic Mike: firemen, soldiers, a pilot...and a robot. Poor Nick S. In what universe is a stripping robot sexy? More on that later. I was happy to see Sharleen (opera singer) and Kelly (dog-lover) hanging out with Andi - and what better entertainment than this.
Perhaps I spoke too soon - later that evening, Craig gets hammered (or, as Andi puts it, annihilated), and jumps into the pool with his clothes on. But before the producers can escort him home, he manages to ask Andi the most ridiculous question ever: "What's the worst thing about your parents?" To be fair, Andi did say he could ask her anything, but...cue the crickets. And the exit limo. Marcus gets the rose for being her Maverick. Two o's in Goose, boys.
Four guys are hoping to score that last date card, but when it arrives it's Farmer Chris's turn. They hit the Santa Anita racetrack and shockingly (or not) pick the winning horse. They chat with a couple of actors next to them who have been together 55 years and say they make a lovely couple. Clearly Andi agrees, because later that night they dance and have a serious smooch session. Chris gets the rose, even after admitting he had been engaged before.
It's Rose Ceremony time, and the guys who haven't had time with Andi are panicked. But none more than Craig, who knows he's on the chopping block so pulls her aside and plays her an apology tune (actually, there wasn't really a tune) begging to stay another day. Marquel is wearing the craziest shirt/tie combo I have ever seen, and Josh is so adorably tongue-tied around her that he goes in for the tongue kiss. (see what I did there?) He claims he hasn't dated anyone in FIVE YEARS. Doubtful.
But he of course gets the rose, as does everyone but Craig (guess that song played to deaf ears), Nick S (the robot) and Carl, who I did not recognize in those goofy glasses. You're a fireman, man - bare your chest! The end credits rolled over some fantastic robotic rapping and dancing from an exiting Nick S - probably the highlight of the night for me. And next week it's two nights in a row. #lordhelpus
My dog got pink-eye (who knew?!) and I've been having to give her drops a few times a day. By day two the eye had cleared up so much I forgot which one had the infection, so it's possible I've been giving her drops in both eyes. #sorrycharlie
Started chatting with a guy on Tinder Tuesday afternoon. The conversation continued into the evening, and then for two hours Wednesday morning while I was at the gym. He was very complimentary and easy to talk to, and invited me to get coffee yesterday afternoon at a Starbucks near my office. So I showed up, and he did not. After waiting for 20-25 minutes, I knew I had been stood up so opened Tinder to ask him WTF. And sure enough, he had already deleted his account. We never exchanged cell phone numbers, so I have no way to reach him. What a douchebag.
If any of you know a Matt, 31, divorced with a 2-year-old son, went to Highland Park and Texas Tech, knee him in the groin for me. Thanks.
And so it begins. Another season of The Bachelorette, featuring Assistant DA Andi. Let me first say that the show only being an hour and a half (versus two hours) was MUCH appreciated. We open with a somber Chris Harrison, honoring the late Eric Hill and dedicating the season to him. Let's take a moment of silence for this guy, who is incredibly hot btw.
A shorter (yet still cheesy) opening montage is next, featuring Andi wearing a bright yellow shirt as a dress, making slight digs at Juan Pablo with her dad, and trying on ugly gold lame dresses with her sister. Wasn't thrilled with her final dress choice for the limo arrivals, but let's get on with it and MEET THE GUYS!
Andrew: Social Media Marketer
Told Andi their names would sound good together; formed a bromance with Patrick. Rose.
Bradley: Opera Singer
Sang for the guys (yet not for Andi - odd). Surprisingly, rose.
Brought a lamp from the hotel to meet Andi. Like a giant floor lamp. Um. Rose.
This brings us to a fantastic photo Chris Harrison posted on Instagram, citing "I love lamp."
Brian: Basketball coach
Nothing memorable to me about this one. Rose.
Cute but also not super memorable. Rose.
Sweet Iowa farmboy. Rose.
Cody: Personal Trainer
Has a weird blond mohawk and came in pushing the limo. To which Andi smartly replied, "You sure are out of breath for a personal trainer..." #burn. Rose.
Craig: Tax Accountant
Sorry - I really don't remember him either! Rose.
Let it be known that on ABC's website he lists his favorite drink as "apple juice." Rose.
Emil: Helicopter pilot
Shot himself in the foot by telling her his name was "anal, with an M." Dude. Don't bring up anal at the first meeting! (Save that for the third date. Hey-oh.) No rose.
Cute, brought Andi dolls from his many travels. RIP. Rose.
Jason: Urgent Care Physician
Inexplicable 1990s hair; he asked Andi if she had a fever because she was HOT! Ohhhh no. No rose. And a very sad exit interview to the camera, saying he had nothing to go back to. Aren't you a doctor, guy??
JJ: Pantsapreneur (yay!)
Makes wild patterned pants. Wears bow ties. Overly excited. Pantsapreneur is not a real job. I will call him "Pants." Rose.
Josh B: Telecommunication Marketer
No rose, but got very heated in his exit interview. Dropped some f bombs, said it was all just embarrassing and the show was stupid. Now THAT was embarrassing.
Josh M: Former Pro Baseball Player
Hot. Andi's type. Lives in her hometown. Did I mention hot? Rose.
Marcus: Sports Medicine Manager
Lives in Texas, but is from Europe - although after telling Andi Polish was his first language, he barely speaks Polish. Then says he focused on German, but barely speaks German. Andi thinks he's dreamy, so maybe he should just not speak ANY language. Rose.
Marquel: Sponsorship Salesman
Sharp-dressed man. Has a cookie tasting for Andi, complete with a black and white cookie - "Look to the cookie." Rose.
Flowing locks and sort of Fabio-looking. No rose. Clearly Andi likes her men well-groomed with short hair. Take a note.
Nick S: Pro Golfer
Arrives in a golf cart. That's all I got. Rose.
Nick V: Software Sales Executive
Gets the first impression rose. Has 10 brothers and sisters. Dark horse. Seems shy and quiet until we see previews from the rest of the season - Nick means business, yo!
Patrick: Advertising Executive
Bromance with Andrew. Rose.
Ron: Beverage Sales Manager
Rose. Seriously don't remember seeing him except for at the rose ceremony.
Asks to approach Andi (ah, attorney humor). Looks like Mark Ruffalo to me, but no rose. Ru-die! Ru-die! Ru-die!
Steven: Snowboard Product Developer
Surfer dude who is stoked to be there. No rose, bra.
Tasos: Wedding Event Coordinator
Can't figure this one out. Possibly gay? Andi is intrigued. Rose.
Chris from Emily Maynard's season also shows up in the driveway, wanting another shot at love. Andi says no thanks, and it's painful watching him refuse to leave. Finally he does, taking his bouquet of sad sad roses with him. WTF.
The season seems brewing with dramz, which is why we watch, so bring it. BRING IT PANTS.
On Friday I went over to see a friend and her adorable kids. The two-year-old boy and I were getting along swimmingly, and then he groped my boob like three times in a row. His mom and I died laughing, and I think the kid and I may be dating now. He even told me he had a big poo-poo, so we were divulging secrets. DIRTY secrets, at that.
I would like to thank the Sirius XM programming gods for creating channel 50, the Michael Jackson station. I sat in traffic for an hour and a half on the way yesterday, and MJ got me through it. Along with an occasional member of the Jackson 5. #shmon
Match.com has these things called "stir events," where you pay a nominal fee to attend something where other singles will be. Happy hours, game nights, dance lessons, you name it. I personally have never gone to one, because I assume it would be either all girls, or worse, all girls under 25. But a stir event caught my eye yesterday: a 7-night Caribbean cruise, with stops in St Maarten, St John and Nassau, Bahamas. What?! Of course, the fee is NOT nominal and it might be the worst thing ever - trapped at sea with a bunch of single losers. (like myself - hey ohhh) Although it did say currently the attendees are 70% male. Then again, there could only be three people signed up, so I doubt the odds are ever in my favor here. Think I'll pass on the singles cruise. But if they ever decide to send people to Greece, I might have to suck it up for that.
My brother has to have surgery on his foot to remove some "growth." I asked if he was worried about it being a tumor, and he said no because "it hurts. Which means it's nothing bad." Ummm, alrighty.
Reminds me of when Joey had a hernia on Friends, and said "it's getting darker and more painful, so that means it's getting better."
Who takes someone to the airport that they aren't seriously dating or related to?? This girl. Yes, I drove a guy to the airport at 5am this morning (I mean, I was awake anyway...). I should think this earns me a glass bottle of wine when he gets back. Or at least a postcard from the airport giftshop.
You know how you wake up thinking it's Friday but it's only Tuesday? The complete opposite happened to me yesterday, for the first time ever. I was commiserating with a lady in the bathroom at work about how tired we were, and whined, "I can't believe it's only Tuesday." She looked at me funny and said, "Isn't it Wednesday?" I literally started jumping for joy. That. Just. Happened.