Please don't remake Friends (unless with the original cast)

I was reading about new fall TV shows, and noticed MacGyver, The Exorcist and Lethal Weapon are all on the schedule. Combine that with Hawaii 5.0, and you have to wonder if Hollywood has completely run out of ideas. I mean is nothing sacred?? I will say Designated Survivor is AWESOME. Jack Bauer can lead the country any time he wants.

39 going on 80

Just finished adjusting to the iPhone 6 (yes, I am behind the times - sue me), and now I'm trying to maneuver my way through the latest ios upgrade (10?). Sending a text just got 100 times more confusing. I'm too old for this. Just leave well enough alone, Apple. (and get off my lawn while you're at it!)

Shake what your mama gave ya

Best part of last night's debate? The shoulder shimmy. You know what I'm talking about. Go on, Hillary. GO ON.

I put the GRRR in surgery (if it was pronounced "surgrrry")

Survived the surgery, although I don't remember much about it (which I guess is the whole point of anesthesia, no?). I put on the stylish purple paper gown, purple socks and ugly-ass shower cap, and then they plugged my gown into this vacuum cleaner-like hose and said I could adjust the air - warm or cool. What in tarnation?? So that was cool. What wasn't so cool - my surgery was delayed like an hour, and the patients on either side of my curtain kept getting wheeled back. I was hoping no one forgot about me, and felt particularly bad for my ride, since she has three kids and I doubt she wanted to sit in a waiting room for six hours. But finally it was my turn, and after my doctor embarrassingly asked the anesthesiologist if he knew of any single guys for me, I was wheeled into the operating room and that's the last thing I remember. Until I woke up and ravaged a graham cracker. (Turns out not eating or drinking for 15 hours will do that to a person, although I was more aware of thirst than hunger.) Rested all weekend, and I'm feeling AOK aside from some bleeding here and there. And thanks to my massive hospital bills this year, this entire thing cost me zero dollars. Plus I have leftover painkillers to give out at Christmas.  Tis the season.

Paging Dr McSteamy

I have to go in for a little day surgery tomorrow - nothing major, but I have to go under. Which means I can't drive myself, and they won't let me take Uber. And therein lies the worst part about being single (and having no family in town) - I have to ask a friend to take me. And my friends are all busy with kids and jobs and husbands and well, having lives. (I did find someone to take me, but it was torturous to ask. At least, torturous to me.)

Also torture - the fact that my surgery isn't until 11:45am and I can't eat or drink anything after midnight. Do you know how long that is? And how hungry hangry I will be by then? And also thirsty?? Yikes.

The online paperwork was no picnic, either - "do you have a living will?" (NO - should I??) "Will your ride be staying with you for 24 hours following the procedure?" (NO - but I checked YES) NOTE: I've never had anesthesia before, so perhaps this is all just bupkis. But it's a little unnerving. Particularly jarring: the rule that I can't wear makeup. WHAT. I don't go anywhere without at least mascara, guys. If I'm going to die, I don't want to look like death beforehand. A teensy bit of mascara won't hurt, right?

On lockdown

I know it's a #firstworldproblem, but I find it super annoying when you go to the drugstore to buy something only to find it's under lock and key. And then it's nearly impossible to find a clerk to come unlock it for you. (Plus once they do you feel obligated to buy something!) I mean I get that razorblades are dangerous. But so are pills, and those are right there in the aisle for you...but why blank CDs and earbuds. Is there really that much of a shoplifting epidemic that we have to lock this stuff up? Sorry. Rant over.

I've really got to stop deleting phone numbers

Once again, I have accepted plans with a number that I don't know. Why must I continue to do this. Why can't I just say "sorry - who is this?" Nooooo. I have to accept and then show up hoping I will recognize someone in the crowd. Like some sad blind date. This will teach me not to delete numbers anymore. #godforbidishouldsayno

The ultimate Swipe Left

Ummmm this guy is like my arch-nemesis. I sort of wanted to swipe right, hopefully match and then send him this message:

"GO HILLARY!"

But opted to just swipe left. Easier for both of us.

chills.

I was watching an old episode of Frasier last night (although I guess they are ALL old at this point, aren't they?), from 1997. In it, a woman leaves a message on Frasier's machine, saying she is arriving on American flight 11. I gasped - four years later, one of the show's creators, David Angell, would die on American flight 11 when it crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11. Eerie, no???

Going for the gold.

I follow Team USA on Facebook, so I'm getting daily (if not hourly) results from the Paralympics, going on now in Rio. I wish these were more visible on television - these athletes are so inspiring. You can read some of their back stories online - one was born with spina bifida. Another lost a leg to cancer. And yet they are incredible athletes, setting world records and making it look easy. Color me impressed. And awed.

Jazz Hands

I'm loving the "My Favorite Song" segment on Radio Andy on Sirius XM. Celebrities come on and chat about their favorite songs for an hour, and the songs play and they reminisce, etc. Everyone from Sarah Jessica Parker to Gwyneth Paltrow (who of course included a Coldplay song) to Gena Rowlands, who included a Christmas carol and an operatic aria. It's so different than anything else on the radio, and fun to get a glimpse into their lives. NOTE: I am not getting sponsored by this station to promote its programming. I wish I was.

Makes me think about what I would pick for MY favorite songs, though. It's harder than you think!

Definitely would include:

Luciano Pavarotti singing Oh Holy Night
Whitney Houston singing the national anthem
Let it Be (Beatles)
Oh God Our Help in Ages Past (more from high school than from church)
The River (Garth Brooks)
True Colors (Cyndi Lauper)

#megamix

#pizzanazi

My mom has been in Austin visiting my new baby nephew, and she stopped in Dallas last night before heading back to Colorado. She decided to order a pizza, and after a failed attempt at the first Domino's, who said they won't deliver to a house with a five-digit address (WTF), we finally got a pizza. And my dog went BANANAS. I never eat pizza, so she was in wonderment over this amazing smell in the house. In fact, she followed the driver back out to her car, and probably would have gone home with her if I hadn't gone to get her. And then stood up on her back legs to beg for a bite from my mom. (Who finally obliged.) Poor deprived doggie. All I give her is bites of granola and occasionally let her lick my yogurt lids.

Tinder Nightmares

I have been "matching" with guys on Tinder who I have never seen before (and would not normally swipe right on). So either these guys were "liked" by my married friends who find apps like Tinder sheer entertainment, or I swipe right in my sleep. I used to dream that I updated my Facebook status in the middle of the night (and would nervously check my phone in the morning), so I guess this is the next logical step...

SPELLCHECK, people!

I am super anal about grammar and spelling, and have been noticing spelling mistakes more often lately. For example:

• A few typos in the closed captioning during Bachelor in Paradise (for example, "Ashley" spelled "Ashely." I realize that's a tiny error, but man did it bug me.
• The large traffic sign by my office announces "Nihgtly closures" and it drives me nuts daily.
• A truck in front of me with signage promoting a business spelled "Maintenance" "Maintenace." I almost honked to let him know.

I feel like I'm helping people when I point these things out. But really I'm pissing them off. I should probably be a proofer as a profession. It relaxes me to find typos. #thisiswhyimsingle

Things that make you go Hmmm

Couple of ponderings I've had lately:


1. If I get a blister every time I mow the lawn, I'm either doing it wrong or my body is telling me I shouldn't mow lawns. I prefer the latter, obviously.


2. Why can bees see color but dogs can't? (Not looking for the scientific rods and cones answer here; more of a hypothetical.) I wish my dog could see color. Although it's not like she knows what she's missing out on. You would just think if a freaking bee can see color, your dog should too. #caninerights


3. This came up at work this week - since Singapore is a city-state, do you address a letter to Singapore, Singapore? (Again, I know the answer. Just spitballing here.)


Finally, in Bachelor in Paradise news (I clearly can't stop), Ellen had Jared, Caila and Ashley I on yesterday's show. It was ridiculously awkward. At least bring out the couples who are still together...(and thank god Ashley didn't cry. Although Ellen was ready with a box of tissues.)

Bachelor in Paradise recap: The Ultimate Trifecta

Unbelievably, three couples got engaged last night on the BIP finale. After knowing each other for like two weeks. I mean more power to 'em, but I kind of doubt all of these relationships will last:


Evan and Carly. Let's remember, she puked after kissing him. But maybe they are weird enough to make it work. She has met his three kids already, and apparently they are moving in together in Nashville. Good luck on "happily evan after."


Josh and Amanda: He's a moaner, she's a mother, he's trying to improve his image and desperate to stop sweating. He has moved to Orange County to be with her and "loves" her daughters. I'm sure Andi Dorfman rolled her eyes at this whole exchange. As did I.


Grace (Grant and Lace): They are drama - lots of tears, lots of second-guessing, but in the end they have matching tattoos - so they gotta make it work. She has moved to San Fran to be with him, Here's hoping she left those crazy spider lashes at home.


Jen and Nick broke it off (obvi, as he is about to seek love on The Bachelor), and we get some fun updates about everyone else. Including Chad, who producers reassure us will never be the bachelor. #thankgod


Here's hoping for a triple wedding, but again I give these guys all about 6 months. For the sponsorship deals to dry up and for reality to set in. But I'm not bitter...


We survived Paradise! More Jorge next season!

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Grace under fire

At this point, you would think they were done bringing in new people to Paradise - it's the last week, after all. But noooo - in walks Tiara, the "chicken enthusiast." (At first I heard "Tierra" and was hoping for THAT trainwreck, but apparently she's engaged or something. Dang.) With protein enthusiast Chad being long gone, Tiara is pretty much SOL. Nick convinces her to give him her date card - he and Jen need to figure out where they're at. (Well, mostly Nick needs to - Jen knows she is falling for him but wants him to come clean about his feelings.)


They see a fortune teller, who turns over a card that eerily resembles Nick  - and has one foot in and one foot out. Nick admits he has walls up - this is not his first (or second) rodeo - but he does see a future with her. (NOTE: clearly not a long future, as he is the new Bachelor.)


Brett (lamp guy)  decides he has a better connection with Lauren H than Izzy, and tells her he won't be giving her his rose. Izzy decides to try again with Vinny, who she rejected when Brett arrived, but thankfully Vinny (who has to ask who is calling - ouch) doesn't want to be the rebound guy and is not "Vin it to win it." Izzy then pukes out of the exit SUV window. Ah, young love.


Also dealing with feelings of vomit is Wells, who is in a love quadrangle with Shushanna, Ashley I and Jami. He's comfortable with Jami, a bit afraid of Ashley and her potential to have an emotional breakdown, and doesn't know Shu that well although he tells her he'd like to get to know her better. The Russian isn't having this - Shu waits for no man! - and gives him a "nyet" as she marches to the exit SUV.


At the rose ceremony, the "steady" couples remain:
Grant and Lace (Grace)
Amanda and Josh
Evan and Carly
Nick and Jen


Brett decides not to give out a rose after all - sorry Lauren! And in a bold move, Wells decides to give his rose to Ashley I. Sorry Jami!


The next day, Chris Harrison meets with the 5 couples left, reminding them how "everything changes" and they need to be ready to commit in the real world or get the eff out of Paradise. Carly is a bundle of nerves, since this was the exact moment a year ago when Kirk dumped her, but she is fairly confident Evan wouldn't do that to her. (And if he does, she's going to cut off his balls. So there's that.) And the guys start teasing Wells about taking Ashley's v-card. She is ready for all things fantasy suite (and even hopes to get engaged - to a guy she's been on ONE DATE with!) All of this freaks Wells out too much, and he bails. Leaving Ashley to do what she does best - cry.


And then there were four (couples). Each embark on their final dates, complete with fantasy suites, and prepare to maybe get engaged. Grant and Lace get "Grace" tattoos, and she is the most annoying, whiny person EVER. She calms down a bit when hearing that the tattoo artist and his wife got engaged after 12 days, which is about as long as she and Grant have known each other. She finally tells him she loves him, and neither one regrets getting that tat. Yet.


Nick and Jen try paddle boarding, and are both fairly terrible (shout-out to the dog on the board, who looks terrified but manages to keep it together better than either of these two). Nick says he is willing to try a long-distance relationship (he is in California; she in in Florida); Jen doesn't see this as the declaration of love she was hoping for. (Foreshadowing, methinks)


Evan and Carly are weird, and of course their date is weird too. A large woman invites them to strip down to their skivvies (although she herself takes off her top altogether) and slather each other with paint and paint something with their bodies. Kinky, but then again the guy handles erectile dysfunction for a living. Evan admits to being in love with her, and she feels the same. She is NOT getting "Kirked" again, dammit!


Amanda and Josh find some kids playing soccer and join in the game. Amanda likes seeing him with kids - she has two (how quickly we forget), and wants to make sure she doesn't get "Benned" and introduce a man to her daughters just to get dumped. Josh keeps moaning when kissing her, and it seriously makes me ill. I can't even watch this anymore. Just one...more...episode...

Lazy is as lazy does

We have started bringing in a team of nail technicians every other week so employees can get manicures and pedicures at the office. And there are food trucks every week or so so people don't have to go out for lunch. And now there's a company that comes and fills up your gas tank while you work, so no more trips to the gas station. We're also looking at a mobile car wash company to stop by every so often. So my question is, HOW LAZY HAVE WE BECOME. I mean, really. Of course, I did get a manicure this week, so I don't exactly have room to talk. But still. Once again, I blame millennials. :)

"That's Sarah with an "h""

 - me spelling my name to the conference organizer...because I've somehow been asked to moderate a roundtable discussion at an international intranet conference in London in November! Still not 100% sure I can go, as travel budgets have been slashed at work, but the conference is free since I'm participating, and pretty cool to even get to fill out the paperwork with a blurb about myself (which was harder to write than I thought it would be) and attaching a photo. Of course it was a Facebook profile pic, as I don't have any professional headshots. But hell - should my "speaking career" take off, maybe I should get some! #dontholdyourbreath #betterbelievethisisgoingonmyresume