White lies FTW

Went on a date last night, and my blog came up. Assuming he won't ever actually find it, so I feel I can tell this story truthfully. He is a software developer, and asked how many readers I got. I told him sometimes it got up to 150. Sadly, he interpreted that as 150 THOUSAND. A WEEK. (It's possible I didn't correct him.) Then he started calculating how much money I would make if I added advertisements to this thing. Sounds like a gold mine. All I need are 150,000 more readers. No biggie.

Bachelorette recap: cue the waterproof mascara

Reality bit on last night's Bachelorette. From eye-opening hometown dates in obscenely short shorts to learning of Eric's tragic passing, it was a longer two hours than normal. But press on we must:

Andi first visits Nick's hometown of Milwaukee. Cheese and beer stereotypes abound - at the brewery, I was totally singing the Laverne & Shirley theme song in my head (shlameel! shlamazel!). Upon meeting Nick's 10 (!) siblings - the youngest of whom literally looks 10 - Andi is a bit overwhelmed. That's a lot of Wisconsin accents slapping you in the face. But everyone sees how much Nick loves her - even though he hasn't actually said it yet - and his mom cries. Always a good sign.

Next up: Arlington, Iowa with farmer Chris. It's pretty much out in the middle of nowheresville (pardon me, Arlington), and Andi starts to panic about how small the small town really is. After riding (and driving) Chris' gigantic tractor (not a euphemism - actually a John Deere), Andi flat-out asks him what job she would be able to find in BFE (excuse me, Arlington). He says, without cracking a smile, "homemaker?" Oof. But just when you think the city mouse is about to ditch the country mouse, a plane flies overhead with a banner that reads "Chris Loves Andi." And we're back in the game, folks. His sisters and parents are adorable farm folk, and his mom tells Andi she's from the city as well, but they both have gumption (no relation to Forrest) and Andi can be happy wherever she is. Phew.

Andi next visits Josh in Tampa. And wears shorts that are basically underwear. Damn, girl. You are were an Asst District Attorney! Whatevs. They play baseball, Andi manages to break a bat (damn, girl again), and Josh begins to weave the tale of sports in his family. He played baseball, his brother Aaron is about to enter the NFL draft and Josh is verrrrrry excited about this. He wants to be his brother's mentor and biggest athletic supporter. (I had to.) Andi starts to fear that this will become the Aaron show and what if she has PLANS on a Sunday and doesn't WANT to watch Aaron play football? Holy first world problems, Batman.  Josh cries seeing his family, and flat-out bawls seeing his dog. Aw. And his family DOES talk about Aaron quite a bit. But athletic mama can see Josh is in love, and his siblings (Aaron included) actually talk some sense into Andi and get her to see the bigger pitcher picture.

Last up, Dallas with Marcus. He drives her around (that's what we DO here), shows her Uptown and then Highland Park Village. He performs a striptease reminiscent of their first date (romantic?!), and they chat about how he's in love with her at 31, where I will be celebrating my birthday on Thursday. (I am such a fame whore, I know - but it had already been planned!) Meeting his mom and siblings helped show Andi how much he cared for her, which may have actually freaked her out in the end because she hadn't quite "caught up."

We then get to go inside Chris Harrison's real-life pad (swanky!), as he breaks the sad news that Eric has died. The guys are visibly shaken, and Andi starts to cry, thinking about her last conversation with him. She feels guilt, as well - hard not to, I guess - and can barely get through the rose ceremony on the next night. But she's here for big love, dammit, so the show must go on. Not going on? Marcus, who does not receive a rose. I'll look for you in Uptown, my man.

Alliterations Are Annoying

Every week we have these sessions with an executive, and I try to not only find an alliteration for the title but also for the description.

For example: Coffee with Chris! Join Chris for coffee and chatter....

After four months, I'm just about out of alphabetical options. Today's was Junk Food with John, and I initially had "Join John for junk food and jabber" but realized jabber had kind of a negative connotation. So now it's "junk food and joviality." People might need to start looking these up in the dictionary. You just got schooled, fool.

#truth

Declaring my independence from work.

Decided to take a four-day weekend for the Fourth. Because that's what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. I also plan on developing a cocktail called the Founding Fatherita. Details to come. #becausemerica

Building management: 1, Sarah: 0

Well, I got busted for not registering the dog, so now I have to pay $600 to make her legit. Moral of the story: pets are expensive. Who knew?!

Bachelorette recap: Muscles in Brussels

We find ourselves in Brussels - which looks super cool and I will be adding it to my list of European cities to visit - with Andi, Chris Harrison and the six lucky bastards who are left.

The first date goes to Marcus, and it's fairly uneventful - they walk, they smooch, they dance to a band I've never heard of - so, typical Bachelor/Bachelorette date. He says he's falling for her, even though he almost bailed and went home. Andi doesn't seem to mind too much.

Back at the hotel, Nick decides to up his super villain-ness by going down to the lobby, telling the concierge he lost his key but can't remember the room number, and they freaking give him a key to Andi's room. Thereby instilling stalkers everywhere with a new method. Holy security breach, Brussels. Andi is afraid - that Nick is going to leave, but not that he's a psychopath - and agrees to walk and smooch on a secret one-on-one. Not helping your case, dude.

I would not be me if I didn't also mention that Dylan has his hair in a man-bun. That is all.

The second (real) one-on-one goes to Josh, who Andi still doubts and thinks too good to be true. But once he says the magic words "I'm falling for you," we're back on track and kissing can resume. Thank god.

The group date involves castle ruins and some cart bike mechanism which involves Andi not having to pedal. While the guys are asking for inhalers (and randomly rhyming). Nice. After they towel off, she announces that the one who gets the rose will get to stay for dinner, but the others will have to cart-bike go home. This ups the tension, especially when Nick tells the guys the rose is practically his. He isn't afraid to tell this to Andi, either - because she's falling in love with him. Or so he says. He may be right, because he does score the rose, to the chagrin of Brian, Dylan (maybe you should have kept the ponytail in, dude) and farmer Chris.

They decide to let Nick have it when he comes back to the hotel - immediately afterwards, apparently, since the poor guy didn't even have time to take off his coat and scarf. All the guys (aside from Dylan, who is mysteriously absent and I assume trying on man headbands) feel that Nick is sly and caluculating (he watched the entire Des season of the Bachelorette, for god's sakes!) and - say it with me - not here for the right reasons. I'm starting to wonder the same thing.

The cocktail party before the rose ceremony is intense, as Dylan, Brian and Chris know they are on the chopping block. So Chris does what he has to do and pulls her outside to plant one on her. To which Andi replies, "You go, farmer!" Oh no. But clearly that's what she was looking for, because Josh, Marcus and Chris get the roses and next week's hometown dates. (Doesn't look good for Chris sitting in the cornfields, however.)