Do not pass Go.

On Monday, my mom and I went to see La La Land (very cute and colorful, btw). We pulled into the parking garage in her giant Xterra, and she asked if she could go up instead of down. I said yes, but then noticed the big yellow height clearance sign said 5'8". "No way will your car fit under this!" I yelled. "I would barely fit under this!" But my mom, being my mom, decided to give it a go. And sure enough, the top of the car hit the yellow beam and it swung ominously for about 15 minutes, but we got through and it remained hanging. (Please note that I have personal experience with this, circa 2009, when I drove a U-Haul into a parking garage and the beam came crashing down, shattering the windshield. So I know these things are no joke.) After we parked (in a "compact car" spot, no less), we noticed all the signs. "No Trucks or SUVs!" "$50 Fine!" "Compact Cars only!" But clearly they didn't mean my mom. I was so nervous during the entire movie - we would most certainly have a ticket; would we still have a car? Would the windshield shatter on the way back out? When we got to the car, there was in fact a ticket on the windshield, but it was just a warning - probably because of my mom's Colorado plates. And although we once again hit the beam and it once again started swinging, we made it out of there alive. Can't say the same for the roof of the car, however.

Masterchef

This weekend I decided that it was time I learned how to cook some simple things - grilled cheese and French toast. (Yes, I realize that at 39 I should definitely have cooked both of these things before, but...) However, I eat healthy, so I decided to try both without butter. Perhaps this was my downfall.

The grilled cheese started out okay - bread cooked nice and evenly on the Pam-greased skillet. However, I also chose to use low-fat cheddar cheese, and it seemed so flimsy I put three slices on. Perhaps THIS was my downfall. The cheese never melted all they way through and I don't even like the taste of cheese so taking a bite almost made me hurl. Mental note: one slice is plenty.

On to the French toast. In this case I used skim milk and egg substitute (found a recipe online), but the bread was so wet it never cooked all the way through. I would like to blame the fake eggs, but I fear it was mere user error and maybe I didn't need all that milk? (But I followed the damn recipe!)

Sadly, I was unable to master either "easy" dish, and would probably give myself a C- on both. Guess I'll wait on attempting a soufflé for a bit longer.

This year has been brought to you by the grim reaper.

Seriously, 2016. I feel like so many significant figures from my childhood have passed away this year: Prince. George Michael. David Bowie. Alan Thicke. And now Carrie Fisher?? This one has hit my particularly hard. I mean, she was so hilarious and smart - her damn dog was named Gary Fisher, for pete's sake. #brilliant

I like that some guy has started a GoFundMe to protect Betty White until 2017. Probably a good idea.

Claim to fame. In my mind.

Been having some strange dreams lately. Yesterday I watched three out of the four Gilmore Girls "A Year in the Life." I have heard that the last four words of the last episode are how Amy Sherman-Palladino always wanted to end the show. Guess that was in my subconscious, because I dreamed that I did in fact watch the last episode and the last four words were, "Sarah Stockton made this!" That would be a cool, but very unlikely, ending. I won't hold my breath.

Nintendo musings

Why do I want the Nintendo classic so badly?? Probably because I never had a Nintendo as a kid and always wanted to play Super Mario Bros until I couldn't press the "jump" button any longer. And now it's only $60 but it's sold out everywhere. I did buy one off Amazon for $250 for our work holiday party (obviously where I will be putting MY raffle tickets), but there are several languages on the box so who knows what I actually bought. Still, it would bring back very fun childhood memories to hear that "ding" when Mario gets the gold coins. In case anyone is looking for a last-minute gift idea for me.

#shamelessplug

Call me crazy...

...but I simply cannot imagine White House staffers doing this to President Trump:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/davidmack/obama-snowman?utm_term=.juB69ookx#.ghl5vkkYm

In the first place, he'd probably tweet some anti-snowman rant. And someone would obviously be fired. Sigh.

Hooked on Phonics

We have this new food delivery service at work that offers a different restaurant every day Pretty cool concept, if you ask me. The problem: no one knows what the name is. It's "Foodsby," which most people are pronouncing "foods-bee." But apparently it's supposed to be "foods by" like "foods by Cowboy Chicken," etc. I guess either way, they're getting buzz, so it's working.

The percussionist even brought jingle bells! SOLD.

In our continuing saga of visiting churches, we went back to the church I grew up in on Sunday. And man, did we feel like they wanted us back. First of all, the church was all decked out for Christmas - poinsettias, Christmas trees, lights, etc. Then all the music was Christmas carols. (So I didn't even need to pull out the hymnal). PLUS they brought in a damn orchestra to accompany the ginormous choir. It's possible that I cried during "O Come All Ye Faithful." I blame the IVF hormones, but it was literally a religious experience. Guess I'm going to start going back to church. Who knew.

I should clearly get out more.

My mom and I went to Highland Park Village last night - both to see the beautiful lights and to have dinner. After waiting almost an hour, the super cute bearded guy at the bar who I couldn't stop staring at got up and told us we could take his seat, so we decided to just eat at the bar. And then these other three older men talked to us for the next two hours. One went to St Marks (class of 78, however), and he said he thought I was 29. His friend guessed 25. (It was dark in there, obvi.) The Marksman was hilarious, telling me not to settle but he had a friend's son he thought I should go out with - but he was a little younger. When pressed, he said he was 23. Um, no. But thanks. Anyway, the whole night was a huge ego boost and made me realize I don't necessarily have to stay home all the time. And maybe my mom is a better wingman than I thought? #sayitaintso

Gross.

I was at Sam's the other day, and thought I felt something sticky on my hand. Figuring it was just the shopping cart, I went along with my shopping. A few minutes later, I looked down to see a huge booger on my finger. I truly don't know what is worse - if it was mine, or if it WASN'T (which is what I fear - it was on the cart and then it was on my hand!!!). I gagged briefly, then wiped it on a display and got the hell out of there. #everythingsbiggeratbulkstores

This blog post brought to you by McDonalds.

Interesting that someone who never watches commercials anymore (thanks to my trusty DVR) sat down and watched an hour-long special of the "Greatest Holiday Commercials." It was fairly painful and reminded me why I do not in fact watch commercials anymore.

Cough, cough

I met friends at a bar in Addison over the weekend - big mistake. HUGE. Completely forgot that you can still smoke inside up there. I think I may have developed an allergy to cigarette smoke - my chest felt tight and I coughed for hours. So gross. Never again, Addison. Fare thee well.

And WHY is the carpet all wet, Todd? I don't KNOW, MARGOT!

Went to a screening of Christmas Vacation at Alamo Drafthouse Friday night - it was hilarious. Not just the movie, which of course is hilarious - but Alamo does the most fun things for the least amount of money. Case in point: everyone got a cheapie Santa hat. Looking around and seeing an entire theater wearing Santa hats was a sight for sore eyes, I can assure you. And they also gave out yellow glo sticks - which everyone waved around during the scene when Clark lights up the house for the first time. Freaking genius. People were quoting along with the movie (and by "people," I mean me) and there was even an eggnog chugging contest (though not with moose mugs) and a "toast" where everyone said the Pledge of Allegiance. Good times had by all.

Me-ow

I'm sorry, but nothing beats putting on a robe warm from the dryer right after a shower on a cold morning. Might have to become my morning ritual. I'm becoming more and more like a cat in my old age.

Too many cooks in the kitchen

We had a teambuilding event yesterday with Tre Wilcox (local celeb chef who appeared on Top Chef) - we broke into four teams of 8 and had 40 minutes to create two dishes that used lemon, cilantro and quinoa - one with pork tenderloin and one with scallops. Needless to say, I was fairly useless - managed to make a salad and a salad dressing, but that's about all she wrote. Our team did come in second place, so at least I didn't poison anyone.

Tre was so adorable though - I got a photo with him at the end, and he told me I reminded him of Miranda on Sex and the City. Guess all redheads look alike. Ha.

Emancipation of Mimi

I watched Mariah's World last night, and I have no idea why. First of all, the outfits the woman wears to "lounge around" are idiotic - bustier and fishnets, anyone? And then there's the whole awkwardness of planning a wedding to a man she ends up breaking up with. And is now dating her back-up dancer, who "happened to" make an appearance in the first episode. Gotta hand it to the editors - way to build a completely new story out of nothing! Surprised MC even let the show go on after her engagement ended, but I guess if she is photographed at the right angle, all is well in the world. Mariah's world, that is.

I could do well in Europe.

Not trying to brag (well maybe just a little bit), but I think the guys in Europe like me more than the guys in America. Or at least the ones who work in airports over there:

• When we arrived in Athens, the customs guy (the one who likes Donald Trump) was totally flirting with me and escorted me to my mom (who he had also helped).

• Then the guy working the security screening in the Athens airport beckoned me to get into his line, and after I went through, he yelled out "you're beautiful!"

• And there was a nice one-armed man in the London customs area who let my mom and I go into the fast check line, skipping in front of about 100 people.

Just saying. There's always Europe...

In case you were wondering what they're thinking across the pond...

I was one of the only Americans at the intranet conference in London. And about 5 people from different countries asked me about Trump. And not in a good way. They were horrified and laughing and the Brits were relieved it made Brexit look less terrible. They are aware of EVERYTHING - including his recent Twitter war with Hamilton - which made me feel like a dumb American because I have no CLUE what's going on in other countries. I kept apologizing for the USA like some sort of PR clean-up campaign.

To be fair, the guy in Greek customs said he liked Trump. But only because he would "bring women."

#thereyouhaveitfolks