Bachelor recap: I suck at being happy

Tuscany is for lovers, although not for Jacqueline, who opts off of the Ari Safari. She just sucks at being happy, apparently. It also sucks for the young pixie Bekah, who is eliminated from the 3-on-1 date, much to her surprise, and for Seinne, who is also escorted off the island. Which means hometown dates for Lauren, Kendall, Tia (yay! a trip to Weiner!) and the other Becca. Somehow at least three of these four seem normal (Kendall's taxidermy obsession is weird, sorry) - so surely this can only end in heartbreak. But I'm on board.

I am also on (snow)board for Bachelor: Winter Games. Love the global aspect - bringing in contestants from Bachelor franchises around the world and hoping for some love, international style in the mountains of Vermont. My favorite are the Asian girls from China and Japan, who practically speak no English aside from "thank you" "hello" "goodbye" "I love you" "will you marry me." So fantastic.

Also fantastic? The "parade of nations" at the beginning (props to the ABC intern for finding thousands hundreds of people willing to act like Bachelor fans and wave flags), and the super random singing of the Bachelor anthem. #whoknew

Clare is back - clearly the girl doesn't need a real job - and finds herself in an international incident: caught between Canadian Benoit and German Christian. Ooh la la, indeed. Ashley I is also back, promising not to cry so much this time, but breaks her promise in episode one after Canadian Kevin picks Bibiana (why??) over her. Gonna be a long couple of weeks, ladybug.