Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Bachelor recap: Chris Harrison finally earns his paycheck.



JP has solidified himself as The Most Dramatic Heinous Bachelor in the history of the franchise. And looking back over past bachelors, that's saying something.

Chris Harrison hosts a live audience to watch the finale and lead into the After the Rose Ceremony, and they of course include Bachelorette rejects, Sean and Catherine, and Des and Chris. Because what else do they have going on.

But back to the dramz at hand: we're still in St Lucia (this must be like day 8 by now), and Nikki and Clare both get to meet JP's familia and little Camila (although technically Nikki has already met them, but whatever). Up first is Clare, who impresses everyone and gets a seal of approval from JP's dad and gets this eye-opening tidbit from JP's mom: "he is hyperactive." Mmmm-kay. Poor Clare confesses that even though her family is Mexican, she doesn't speak Spanish, which causes everyone to launch into rapid espanol in which they are probably making fun of her rectangle necklace.

Nikki is next, and complains to his family about how hot it is (c'mon, bitch). Perhaps that's why she chose to wear a tattoo-revealing dress when meeting his parents? Because it's so dang hot? More on Nikki's heat issues later. She didn't seem to get the glowing referral from JP's dad that Clare did, but it's kind of hard to understand these people, so I may have missed something.

Clare then gets a one-on-one date, but in typical JP fashion, when the cameras are away, the mice will play, and he says something lewd that offends her to her very core, PLUS tells her (on their very last date, no less) that he doesn't know her very well. Sure. But clearly she's not too upset because she holds his hand as they hike up a hill. Odd. But wait - she finds her backbone (temporarily) later in the evening when he comes over to her bungalow. He goes in for a besito but she backs away and tells him "we need to talk." Oh boy. She asks how he could say whatever it was he said, and he pretends not to remember what that was. Then confuses both Clare and the general audience with JP-isms about being honest and "it's okay" and other circular logic that makes absolutely no sense. The part that particularly got me was when he said he introduced her to his family and to his daughter - I would have yelled out "then why would you say you don't KNOW me?!" But not Clare. Clare is wooed back under his spell with thoughts of having twins in a year and two months. Oof.

Nikki's date goes much better, but she somehow still ends up in tears. She really wants him to say "I love you," but he doesn't. This is some excellent foreshadowing, people.

Somehow it's now the final day - will he propose? Will she say yes? But where is our pal Neil Lane? JP has the ring, but maybe ABC couldn't afford to fly Neil to St Lucia, since all of JP's cousins and nieces and mailmen were already there? The ladies are nervous, but they are dressed in shades of the sea (as is JP, it should be noted), so we're good to go. However the ABC intern clearly did not tell them they would be walking through sand because they're both in heels. And have to lean heavily on Chris Harrison.

Clare is first - we know what THAT means, audience! - and she's super happy and ready to say yes, but JP says he has to say goodbye to her. He goes to hug her and she pushes him away.YES. She is angry and tells him he lied to her and she wouldn't want her children to have him as a father anyway!!  #TeamClare

The live audience loves this, and everyone claps. And then when Juan Pablo says he's SO GLAD he didn't pick her, the audience boos and hisses. This is great television, people.

So now it's Nikki's turn, and it's getting warm. And you can tell because she is sweating profusely. Close-ups plus sweating equals no bueno. Poor Nikki. And poor Nikki again because JP is not 100% sure he wants to propose. But he also doesn't want to let her go. So how about a rose because he likes her a LOT?! (Sidebar: Are you freaking kidding me here.) Stupid Nikki is clearly overcome with heatstroke because she nods and says she'll take it. Bad call, Nikki.

Cut to the After the Rose Special: the live audience is clearly stunned, as is Chris Harrison. So the best option is to call in Clare. She struts in wearing a black leather dress (and was it just me or was there no rectangle necklace?!), and says she is over it. She realized he wasn't the man she thought he was, and got closure when she walked away so doesn't need to talk to him again, thankyouverymuch. #TeamClareagain

JP comes out, and the audience looks like they might riot. He still has no regrets about what he said to Clare - he's just honest, folks! - and is clearly confused about what the big hoopla is all about. He and Nikki address their "relationship" - and poor Chris Harrison about has a conniption trying to figure out what's going on - "I don't even know what I'm looking at!!" JP will not say he loves Nikki, although she is in love with him. She's apparently cool with this, saying his actions show he cares, and has no timeline for how long she plans on waiting for this "te quiero" business to happen (or not). JP is adamant on being private and keeping their relationship private - which leads Sean Lowe to say "hate to burst your bubble, buddy, but it's not going to stay private."

Plus, JP has been promising a big surprise, so obviously people think he's going to say I love you - but no, his surprise is that he's happy with Nikki! FAIL. Sean and Catherine (and pretty much the rest of America) are very confused about what JP and Nikki have, and Chris Harrison ends up just giving up on the whole thing. And I love him for that.

The new Bachelorette is annouced: ANDI, ladies and gentlemen! No big surprise there, although I would still love to see Sharleen give things a go.

I really find Juan Pablo to be horrible, and I think ABC is going to have to do some back-pedaling on this one. (He apparently didn't get a spot on Dancing with the Stars because of all of his offensive comments. Ay yay yay, indeed.)

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