Bachelorette recap: crazy exes and pants that fit like coke bottles

In this episode, I grew to love Rachel even more.
1. She brought her dog on a date. And that dog had a broken leg.
2. She told a suitor "I'm going to need you to get the fuck out" when his ex/current girlfriend showed up. YAS queen.

But first, some dates. The first group date puts the guys through an obstacle course to see who is "husband material." Some of these obstacles include changing a baby (doll, thank god), putting on a baby bjorn, vaccuming and washing dishes. Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are apparently big fans of the show and help facilitate this dumb challenge. And speaking of dumb, Whaboom Lucas wins. He asks Ashton to give him a "whaboom" and Ashton refuses. Thank you sir. Later that evening, Rachel isn't getting a romantical vibe from any of the guys. (No! Jack Stone!) At least, until Dean comes in, blue eyes blazing. She admits to being a little miffed that he beat her to the punch on getting to use "once you go black, you'll never go back," but they laugh and her faith is restored. Whaboom presents her with a nice poem, but Blake apparently lives with Whaboom's ex (and is currently evicting her?), so tells the guys and Rachel that he's not here for the right reasons. He wants Whaboom to be a thing (stop trying to make Fetch happen), and just wants to be on TV. (Um, don't they all??) He even tells Whaboom that he threw him under the bus, and it leads to an annoying white boy fight. Kenny excuses himself at this point and talks to Rachel about his 10-year-old daughter. She is intrigued. But Dean gets the group rose and walks her to her car, where he finally mans up and kisses her - red lipstick be damned.

Peter - he of the matching gap-toothed smile - gets the first one-on-one date, and they jet off to Palm Springs with Rachel's dog Copper in tow. Barkfest looks like the most fun - dogs in the pool, photo booths, dog treats, the works. Peter charms both Rachel and Copper, and they later find a commonality in both having gone to therapy to get better at relationships. He gets the rose, she gets a kiss - and poor Copper gets traumatized by fireworks.

The last group date is a basketball date - featuring Kareem Abdul Jabbar! The black guys are psyched, the white guys are mortified - but everyone is a good sport and even in front of a packed house they have a decent game. (Involving many MANY air balls.) DeMario's team comes up short, but he impresses Rachel with his athleticism. After the game, people hang around to take photos with the Bachelorette. Including Lexi, who identifies herself as DeMario's girlfriend of 7 months. Like current girlfriend. She says he disappeared for a few days and then she saw him on the Behind the Rose special, proposing to Rachel. He still has keys to her house, dammit! Floored, Rachel goes into the locker room and gets DM. All the other guys think this is good news, that he's getting the rose. But no. This is not good news. He sees Lexi and literally says "oooh hey, who is this?" Like "new phone, who dis?" When you know EXACTLY who dis is. Lexi goes off on him and Rachel tries to get his side of the story. The problem: his story keeps changing. He met Lexi a "few times" ago. Then they dated for a few months but he broke up with her in person. Then he doesn't have her keys. Then he mailed her keys back to her. But ooh Lexi has been screenshotting the convos, dude. You are busted. I mean clearly Lexi is crazy. But DM is caught between a rock and a crazy place. And Rachel ain't having it. She sends him home. BOOM.

She breaks the news to the other guys, who are in shock, but man up and show how they handle adversity and how protective they are of her. Group date rose goes to Josiah.

At the cocktail party, DeMario resurfaces and wants to talk to Rachel again because "stuff broke down" and his character was assassinated. Um, alrighty. Chris Harrison tells her it's her choice if she wants to see him. She wants to hear his lame excuse. But first, the rest of the guys empty onto the driveway to protect her honor. TO BE CONTINUED