Bachelorette recap: What the Whaboom just happened??

Well, it's back. And Rachel Lindsay may be my favorite bachelorette of all time. Maybe because she's over 30, maybe because she's smart (see you later, litigator) and is actually going back to work (!), maybe because she's a hometown girl - whatever, she's a badass. Not sure why she had to announce that she's engaged before the show even started, but I guess we're happy for her?

Corinne makes a brief appearance, along with Dolphin Shark, Jasmine, Whitney, Raven and Astrid from Nick's season. They all love being on camera Rachel and are here for her sloppy seconds whenever she needs them. We learn Rachel prefers Michael Jackson to Prince, and NYSNC to BSB. (Told ya she's awesome)

Let's dig in to the important stuff - the dudes vying for her affections.

Peter: cute, from Wisconsin, hopes she won't hold that against him (since that's where Nick is from). They have matching gap-toothed smiles. I am glad he doesn't mention that to her. Rose.

Josiah: prosecutor whose brother hung himself at a young age due to being bullied for being overweight. Josiah acted out, got arrested at 12 and then turned his life around. A contender here folks, but he knows it. A tad overly confident. Rose.

Bryan: Spanish-speaking, French-kissing chiropractor from Miami who gets the first impression rose. My first impression is his kissing style is scary. Rose.

Kenny, aka "Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King" the wrestler: has a 10-year-old daughter and knows a thing or two about "rings." (Get it?) Rose.

Rob: law student who has a draft card made with Rachel's picture on it. No rose.

Iggy: Not sure if he's Hispanic or Native American, but he is "genuinely and authentically happy to be there." Rose.

Bryce: Firefighter who literally sweeps her off her feet. Rose.

Will: Does an awkward Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle bit. Rose.

Diggy: A front-runner for me, maybe just because I "dig" his style. He has like 500 pairs of sneakers, folks. Rose.

Kyle: says he wants to shoe Rachel his buns and busts out a basket of bread. No rose.

Blake K: Personal trainer who talks an awful lot about sex and his penis size. Methinks he doth protest too much. No rose.

Brady: brings in a block of ice and a sledgehammer, a la Frozen, to "break the ice." Hey-oh! Rose.

Dean: trying to recover from saying "I'm ready to go black and never go back" on national TV. Rose.

Eric: don't remember much about him except he wore a tan suit. Rose.

DeMario: possibly not here for the "right reasons" and is super confident. Rose.

Blake E: comes with his own marching band. Rose.

Fred: apparently Rachel was Fred's camp counselor back in the day, and it did not go well. Rose.

Jonathan: Lists his job as "tickle monster." Enough said. Rose.

Lee: the token singer/songwriter who jumps out of the limo strumming his guitar. Rose.

Alex: vacuums. Not sure why. Rose.

Milton: purrs. Not sure why. No rose.

Adam: brings along "Adam Jr.", a very creepy doll who speaks French and who disgusts Rachel. Rose (for Adam, not AJ)

Matt: dressed as a penguin. Because they mate for life. I personally feel he is a better match for Dolphin/Shark. Rose.

Grant: arrives via ambulance to save the day. No rose. (cue flatline......)

Anthony: no clue who this is. Rose.

Jamey: no clue who this is. Rose.

Jack Stone: not sure why we need his last name, but this fellow Dallasite lawyer is HOT. Rose.

Mohit: Bollywood dancer who gets wasted. No rose.

Jedidiah: surgeon in a vest. No rose.

Michael: no clue who this is. No rose.

Lucas: Whaboom guy. This is his job, this is his catchphrase, this is on his tank top. This makes no sense and he is 100% cringe-worthy. Which is why producers will be keeping him around. Rose.


And so it begins...