Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Bachelorette recap: topless dudes on horseback (almost)

Another week, another few reasons to love Rachel Lindsay more.

She sends DeMario packing, even after he pleads with a "joy and pain" speech about wanting to move forward. She tells him he should move forward - right off the property. BURN! #boybye

Whaboom tells Rachel that Blake stands over him at night while he sleeps, licking a banana. Although Blake denies this, Rachel realizes both of these doofuses are, well, doofuses, and sends them packing. Which leads to the girliest catfight I have ever seen between two men. Neither of them will be getting laid for a while, methinks.

Another one who won't be getting laid but is somehow still around is the tickle monster, Jonathan - who busts out these babies (as modeled by Chris Harrison):

Seriously. He uses this while chatting with Rachel. I would say #facepalm but you could really hurt yourself.

Ready for a fresh start, it's time for a group date with Bryan, Jonathan, Alex, Peter, Will and Fred - on the Ellen show, of course! Ellen makes the guys take their shirts off and give lap dances to the women in the audience - including grandmothers. Alex the Russian makes a good impression, both dancing and playing Never Have I Ever, where three guys admit to kissing Rachel and the other three are left feeling stupid. One of these is poor Fred, who can't seem to break out of the "bad kid at camp" memory for Rachel. So he asks if he can kiss her, and while she rolls her eyes at the awkwardness of that, he goes for it. He is thrilled with the result; Rachel, not so much. She escorts him right out of the building to the exit limo and instead gives the group date rose to Alex. Da!

Anthony gets the one-on-one date, and it involves riding horses down Rodeo Drive. Into stores, on horseback. Of course the horses poop in the stores because that's what they do, but Rachel and Anthony laugh it off and enjoy their new boots and hats and "too glam to give a damn" shirts. #productplug At dinner, Anthony talks about his parents and how he wants to be a good father, and Rachel wants to know more. He gets the rose.

At home, Eric is freaking out a bit, telling everyone he doesn't know how Rachel feels and maybe she's playing a game until she gets what she wants. He's just going to ask her. Iggy tries to calm him down but just gets yelled at. Eric is happy to know he's on the next group date (Iggy is not), along with Brady, Dean, Adam, Kenny, Bryce, Lee and Jack. Rachel's posse from Nick's season is back (Corinne, Jasmine, Alexis and Raven), to give her the dirt on who's here for the right reasons. They hear from Bryce and Lee that Eric isn't, but before they can convey the news the guys have to mud wrestle. In front of a huge crowd of rowdy women. Yeah, role reversal!! The guys once again doff their shirts and hit the mud, and after a closely fought finale, Bryce beats Kenny.

Eric manages to get his coveted time with Rachel and asks about her feelings, She reassures him by giving him the group date rose.

But Rachel later tells Eric what Bryce and Lee said, leading him to blow up and deny ever saying anything. Lee thinks Eric needs to know more about life, having never been in love, but Eric doesn't agree. The fight escalates and we're hit with a To Be Continued...

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