Cuddling 101

I have a new guest in my bed. It's kind of pissing off my dog, but I think it's for the best.

Introducing Gumby.

This thing is massive. (That's what she said) Here's hoping I get more than two hours of sleep. (Again, that's what she said)

#pregnancypillowftw

Move! That! Bus!

So phase I of the house remodel is done. We transformed the garage into an extra bedroom with a half bath, which will also serve as a workout room (hi, elliptical!) and a playroom. There are two closets (which are basically already full - sad!) and French doors leading out to the patio. It's actually a really nice space.

Next up: creating someplace to park our cars. The original plan was to build a garage behind the current space, but according to easement (whatever the hell that is), we can't. So instead we are going to do a wooden carport with a garage door or electronic gate for security. I will miss all the storage in the garage, but we bought two giant sheds that are making up for it. It's not too pretty back there right now, but I'm sure it will be fine. And considering I basically added 400 sq feet to my house and it went from being 3br/2ba to 4br/2.5ba, hopefully this will all be worth it in the end. HOPEFULLY.

#adulting

Taking Friday off. Am I going to the State Fair? No. Spa day? Wrong again. If you guessed "touring 5 local day cares," you're the big winner! Times they are a-changing, folks. The hilarious thing: each time I called to make an appointment, the receptionist asked how old my child was. To which I had to answer "she has not yet been born." Just being proactive, y'all. #orinsane

Cheers, Charles

Last week was the five-year anniversary of the day I adopted Charlie. Can't believe it's been that long - but I also can't remember what it was like NOT having her around. She is currently on meds both for a heart murmur and anti-convulsion, and after this weekend's haircut it's clear she has gained a bit of weight (solidarity, sister!), but still going strong at 42. (Considering that's only two years older than me, I should certainly hope so...)

Points for trying?

I tried watching the new Ken Burns documentary on Vietnam. Made it through almost two episodes and decided I just can't. I'm sorry - it's boring. Not the war - the documentary. Even my mom, who lived through it, opted to go read in her room. So much for trying to be all cultured. Back to Real Housewives of Dallas I go.

How long until #dotard is trending?

You know it's bad when you agree with Kim Jong Un.

Geniuses?

Got these giant Smarties from a vendor. I mean, they are HUGE:

Assuming this means I will be doubly smart for eating them. (As if I needed an excuse.)

Now THAT'S bedside manner

So I have to go to two doctors a month - high-risk and regular. Today I was at the high-risk (everything looks great - baby weighs almost 2 pounds!), and the doctor is just the nicest. He makes you feel like a total superstar, even when you have nothing to do with it. Examples:

"Your cervix is perfection." (thank you?)
"Amazing amount of amniotic fluid." (again, thank you?)
"Wonderful placenta." (alrighty)
"All around A+." (YES)

I mean. A girl could get used to this.

My Emmys fashion breakdown

Yay Handmaid's Tale! Boo Sean Spicer! And now for the most important part - the dresses.

I loved Thandi Newton (doesn't hurt that I think she may be the most beautiful woman alive):

Gina Rodriguez brought it:

As did the ever-age appropriate Millie Bobby Brown:

I was not impressed by Sofia Vergara, however. I feel like she looks the same every time. We get it - you have a Jessica Rabbit body. Sheesh.

Better than lipstick, I guess

Sometimes living with my mom is excellent practice for living with a kid. Twice in a row now she has done laundry and forgotten to check her pockets. Which apparently always have Kleenex in them. And yesterday, a grocery list. Shredded tissue paper makes for a very festive, if messy, load of laundry. I speak from experience. And I guess will now be checking all pockets before I start a load.

Praise be.

Time to start thinking about Halloween costumes. Can't really go as "pregnant Beyoncé" at work, so I think I will opt for this instead:

#ofsarah

No my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet. Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

Janet tonight!! Debating if I should wear my "Nasty Woman" t-shirt, since it didn't get much wear post-election...

This post brought to you by the letter J

WHY am I still watching Counting On? I had actually stopped watching last year because it got so annoying, but now that two more Duggars have married I had to see this trainwreck for myself. The thing that kills me the most is how they court for a few months, get engaged and are married within a year (although more like 6 months). I think it's because they really want to have sex. Which is why they all get pregnant immediately. (Well, that and they don't believe in birth control.) I also feel bad for the oldest daughter (Jana, yes I know her name) - she must feel like a spinster. Get in line behind me, sweetie.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: the grand finale

Finally a wrap on this season in paradise. And of course ABC had to milk it for all it was worth, complete with a live hour with the cast and yet another appearance by Corinne and DeMario (yet this time, together). Ugh.

It's the last day in paradise, which means the couples need to piss or get off the pot. (Break up or bust out the fantasy suite, in more Bachelor terms.) And a lot of breaking up ensues: Christen dumps Jack Stone and goes off swimming in the ocean, likely to find more scallops. Tickle Monster and Jasmine decide just to be friends. Diggy dumps Dominique, then promptly gets dumped by Jamie. Robbie is shocked that Amanda doesn't think it will work in the real world. And Dean tells D-Lo he wants to try again with Kristina. Ouch.

So after all the break-ups and shake-ups, we're left with the final three couples: Lacey and Canadaniel, Adam and Raven and Derek and Taylor. Lacey tells Daniel she's fallen for him (and tells the camera she would say yes if he proposed - WHY), and he says he is falling for her. Cue the "privacy please" door tag. Taylor needs to have sex with Derek to make sure she's in love with him (alrighty) - cue the "privacy please" door tag. But Raven doesn't want to mess things up by spending the night with Adam too early. Cue the live show.

Corinne and DeMario are one big happy family (after lots of therapy). Can we PLEASE move on. There's no love lost between Christen and Jasmine, who was apparently "bullying" Christen on social media. Dean takes the hot seat and reveals he still loves Kristina. This is news to D-Lo, who says they have gotten together since filming. And apparently he and Kristina tried to patch things up as well. But now both ladies are like peace out, dude. Thank god. The twins, needing more air time, call Robbie out for cheating on Amanda after they started dating post-Paradise. Robbie denies this, saying the photo sent to Amanda just showed he was "close" to another girl. NOT making out. Sure.

Finally, it's time to catch up with the final three. Lacey says Canadaniel fessed up after the cameras were off that he was NOT in fact falling for her. And camera footage showed him talking to producers the next morning saying no way would he change his FB status to say "in a relationship with Lacey." Oooooh burn. So Lacey is dunzo with this chach. Adam and Raven are amazingly still together, and she had him meet her family LIVE ON TV. Nice. But has she met Adam Jr.????
Taylor and Derek are in love and grateful to have met on the show. Which they make official by Derek getting down on one knee and popping the question. Ah, young love. Good luck crazy kids.

Alone again, naturally

So I went to a 6-hour "prepared childbirth" class on Saturday. Holy information overload, Batman. (Breech! Epidural! Meconium! Giant adult diapers! Etc.) I guess I'd rather have more knowledge than less, but jesus. Also fun? Being the only single girl in a class of about 25 other couples. And the husbands were all super-supportive: holding their wives' purses, getting them popsicles, picking up the handouts...oof. It wasn't too bad until everyone had to get up and practice the labor moves with their partners. I just sat quietly on my mat - and frankly would have found it too cheesy/dumb to do even if I HAD a partner. Maybe they all thought my husband was out of town or something. Sure. Might as well get used to it, I guess. #doublepopsiclesforme

Slow Jams 4-evah

Going to see Yacht Rock Revue tonight - love them so much. Besides the fact that they rock bellbottoms and leisure suits, they play slow jams from the 70s and 80s. Think Christopher Cross. Billy Joel. Hall & Oates. Etc. Cheesy goodness if I've ever heard it.

Strike a pose

Thanks to an introduction from a friend, I'm going to be in DFW Baby magazine's fall issue. (They spotlight 2-3 women who are having babies, and I'm one of 'em.) Now don't get too excited - it's one of those free publications and I don't even know where to find it or when it's coming out. But I was interviewed and yesterday the photographer came over to take my picture. It was very weird (and sad that I didn't get hair and makeup, ha), especially because I don't look that pregnant and the nursery isn't ready. So we'll see what the magic of Photoshop can do. Particularly with my forehead wrinkles. #imissbotox

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Twinning

God I hate the twins. I hated their reality show. I find them to be so very annoying. And yet...they're back. One wants to date Derek, the other wants tot date Dean. Both guys are taken, and even after literally throwing herself at Dean to an embarrassing extent, the twins have to go with their last choices, Jack Stone and Tickle Monster. But at the last minute, Jack Stone decides he would rather pursue his budding relationship with Scallop Fingers (I loathe myself for typing these words, I assure you), so bows out. The twins are livid - the only synonym they can come up with for "angry" - and flip off the cast and crew and storm out of paradise forever (please??), but not before throwing scallops out the window. I hope scallops are making a killing out of product placement on this show.

Jamie is also a new arrival - she of the nose ring, blond curls and oh yeah - bisexuality! Who will she pick for her date - girl or guy?? Oh, the tension. But she goes tame and chooses Diggy. He admits he has never met anyone like her. #duh

Derek is falling in love with Taylor. Robbie and Amanda seem solid. D-Lo and Dean are exploring life post-Kristina. And Daniel and Lacey are being weird. Coupling up is happening, and it's a good thing - Chris Harrison announces it's their last day in paradise!

#decisiontime

#onemorenightofthisshow

#thankgod

Bachelor in Paradise recap: there are tons of scallops in the sea

Anyone else never want to eat or see another scallop? Thanks, BIP.

Dean realizes he's being a total asshole and that Kristina saw him canoodling with D-Lo in the pool. He apologizes, but she explains that it's not fair to ask her to "be patient" while he tries to get with someone else. "I don't understand how I can have the most amazing girl in front of me and I'm flirting with another girl in the pool," says Dean. "Duh," says America.

More dudes arrive to complicate matters further (although these putzes don't really complicate anything): Blake and Fred, both from Rachel's season, both humiliated. Blake for having a catfight with Whaboom and saying "Wocka wocka fart joke"; Fred for only being seen as a bad kid. The ladies think Fred is hot, but Blake is not (aside from the intense amount of sweating he is experiencing). Blake narrows in on Christen, who is now in a "love square" between Blake, Tickle Monster and Jack Stone. Tough spot there, especially considering Blake tells her he asked her (after asking two other girls) because it wasn't like pulling teeth and she seemed "awake." Nice. She agrees to go on a double date with Blake, Fred and Dominique, but it's a nightmare because the boat makes her seasick (it made me sick just watching), her contact almost flies into the ocean and her mascara is running down her face. At least Dom and Fred are having fun on the blob.

Back at the resort, Christen apparently told people Jack Stone was a bad kisser, so the other girls pitch in to ensure America that he is in fact quite a good makeout. So he kisses Jasmine, Raven and D-Lo, all of whom are in agreement: #teamjackstone

Chris Harrison arrives to say no new arrivals, but the rose ceremony will be tonight, not tomorrow. This makes Jack Stone, Diggy and Tickle Monster nervous, since the girls they like are currently on dates with other guys. Robbie gets a date card and asks out Amanda, natch. (Barbie and Ken!) They hit a street carnival and Robbie cracks open the piñata. Chemistry is forming between these two pretty kids.

Ben Z decides to leave before the rose ceremony - he loves his dog the most - and everyone else starts fighting for time in an effort to win a rose. Diggy pulls Dominique aside for a little homemade game of "Diggin Deep with Diggy," and she then turns the tables with "Diggin Deep with Dom." Aw.

At the bar, Raven and Christen take a shot and Raven accidentally says "cheers to Scallops!" So Wells has to tell Christen that everyone calls her scallop fingers. She doesn't get why this is a big deal - she just likes scallops, guys. (And mahi mahi.) Christen then gets kissed by each guy in her love square, just to make the decision a little tougher.

D-Lo (and her weird rhinestone bra) tells Dean she likes him, but would he accept a rose from Kristina? Dean says he wants to pursue a relationship with D-Lo so has to go break things off with Kristina. The Russian is not amused and lets off most of her aggression on Raven, who tells her to be mad at Dean, not D-Lo. A fight ensues until Wells asks Kristina "why are you fighting for someone who's not fighting for you?" PREACH WELLS.

Time for the rose ceremony:
Lacey and Daniel
Taylor and Derek
Amanda and Robby
Raven and Adam
Dom and Diggy (bye Fred)
Jasmine and Tickle Monster
Christen and Jack Stone (bye Blake)
Kristina decides to leave and give her rose to no one
D-Lo and Dean

Doesn't seem like many of these couples will make it out of paradise aside from Taylor and Derek and Amanda and Robby...bur we shall see!

Gaspocalypse 2017

Okay, this "gas shortage" thing is insane. Most stations are out, the ones that have fuel have lines three cars deep. The most ridiculous part? There isn't a gas shortage! But when everyone in Dallas decides they need gas on the same day, we run out. It's putting my OCD-ness to the test - I usually panic when I have a quarter of a tank left. (I currently have a little under half a tank, but by the time I get home I should have a quarter of a tank.) I woke up at 2am wondering if I should go get gas and beat the rush, but also wondered if I would get shot. And it's just not worth it. Thankfully going out of town tomorrow, and maybe by Monday the panic will be over? Otherwise I guess I'll be working from home indefinitely.

#calmtheEFFdown

Reading, Writing, Arithmetic...and Rolled Eyes

It's back to school time again, which I know by the blinking school zones and by the inundation of photos on my Facebook feed. Everyone looks so cute and excited, but I do have one question - why do some schools start on a Thursday? After 3 months of summer, a 5-day school week is too much? Come on kids.