Doggie hotel (no-tell)

Charlie will be staying at the Pet Hotel at PetSmart next week when I'm in Chicago. And let me tell you, there are so many options, she might not want to come home.

Some of the choices you can select (all for a fee, of course):

Solitary room
Group play time
Solo play time
Bath and grooming upon pick-up
Special toy
Dog-friendly peanut butter ice cream snack
And more.

I may have been suckered into the group play time, bath and ice cream. No clue how much this going to cost - if it ends up being more than it was to send her to Colorado, we might have a problem. As well as a very spoiled little dog.

Too bad my passport photo is so tragic

Lots of fun trips coming up:

• Chicago
• San Francisco
• Toronto
• London
• Zurich
• New York

So excited, but so sad to leave my poor little dog. She may disown me. Can't say I blame her.

It's official: Sean and I are NOT a match. (I'm sure he's devastated.)

I consider myself to be adventurous and fun-loving, but I would not eat bugs and swimming in a pitch-black cave sounds TERRIBLE to me. So clearly, no rose for Sarah. And it's possible I'm not as fun-loving as I thought. But I digress.

The final three - AshLee, Catherine and Lindsay - head to Thailand (during rainy season, apparently) for one-on-one dates with Sean that end in the fantasy suite. (I would say "hey-oh" here, but Sean is a born-again virgin so what's the use.)

Lindsay states the obvious: "Thailand isn't anything like Fort Leonard, Missouri!" and gets to eat bugs and feed monkeys, but can't quite get the "L" word out. Cut to dinner in front of Thai temple parade floats (which, I'm sorry, looked more like tacky Christmas light displays to me) and traditional Thai dancers, and she finally squeaks out "I love you" in her annoying baby voice in the fantasy suite. Seriously - this girl BUGS. (And not just because she ate some - hey-oh) Sean says he can see her as his wife. Oof.

AshLee is up next and gets the cave swim to a "private beach." That private beach was so disappointing - "I swam in the dark for THIS?!" - but AshLee trusts Sean and looooooves Sean and feels safe with Sean, blah blah. She is hesitant about the fantasy suite, but shrugs it off and proceeds to tell him WHAT KIND OF ENGAGEMENT RING SHE WANTS. COMPLETE WITH RING SIZE. Ohhhh no. Kiss of death, Ash.

Last, Catherine gets her one-on-one, and lucky for her, there are no crazy dares or dangerous adventures - just a nice sail around the bay. (Until the lightning and thunder started, but whatever.) Sean's been missing Catherine and her weirdness (and her nose ring?) all week, but wants to make sure she's in it for the long haul. Would she move to Dallas? Yes! She is "totally over" Seattle. How convenient! She accepts the fantasy suite invite after a long and rambling explanation, and tells Sean how hunky and beefy he is. But that's not the ONLY reason she likes him. Phew.

On the day of the final rose ceremony, Sean ponders his situation. Shirtless. It seems he already knows who he's sending home, but Chris Harrison makes him (and us) watch the video messages from each girl. It's clear AshLee will be getting the axe after he can't even look at her during her sobbing video message. Oh lord. This is NOT going to end well.

And sure enough, it doesn't. If looks could kill, Sean would be dead about 18 times. AshLee gives him a death stare and doesn't even wait for Chris to tell her to say her goodbyes. She's outta there. Tells Sean NOT to follow her, but he does, and She. Just. Stares. At. Him. Amazing. She doesn't cry in the limo, either - at least, until the producers coax it out of her - all in all, one of the best "eff you" exits in the history of the show.

Next week, FINALLY, the women tell all, and then we get a freaking THREE HOUR finale. God this is a waste of my time.

I would also like to note that Burning Love, a Bachelor spoof on E!, is the best thing ever. Watch it. Just watch it.

Best dressed

Had a few favorites from last night:

Halle Berry
Stacy Kiebler
Jessica Chastain
Jennifer Lawrence

Giving Jane Fonda an A for effort, and giving De Niro a comb.

Oy vey.

Had a very "Jewish" weekend. Celebrated Purim at an 80s party featuring a faux Spazmatics (and man those Jews can party!), and then in a very opposite turn, watched Schindler's List yesterday. Hadn't seen it in like 20 years (seriously - it came out 20 years ago?!), and felt pretty dumb at the very end when it showed the real-life Schindler Jews placing stones on his grave. I thought they were accompanied by a family member since they were all pretty old, but kept thinking "man, their grandkids look so much like the actors that played them! Great casting!" Until I realized they were being escorted by the actors that played them. Sigh. And Oy. I want a latke.

How about " 'Sup?"

For some reason, I receive all the emails at work for a random email address that is supposed to be for general questions, possible partnerships, etc. But most are spam. And the easiest way to tell is by looking at the salutation. A few recent ones:

Dear Sir:
Hallo!
Hi, dear.

And my personal favorite, Hell. (Clearly they forgot the "o," but still. Classic.)

Parenting FAIL

Let me preface this by saying I have a tendency to over-react and panic about completely ridiculous things. Here we go.

Last night, I hopped into bed and pulled the dog up to snuggle. Noticed she was licking her lips over and over again, staring at the ceiling - very bizarro behavior. I thought A. she had gotten into something sticky like peanut butter or 2. was having a weird stroke or something. I was finally able to open her mouth and found this white gummy substance where one of her bottom teeth should have been. First I thought it was just food stuck in there, so I tried to get it out but couldn't. Left an embarrassing message for my vet (I think the words "her tooth imploded!" came out of my mouth) and decided I should take her to the animal clinic in case she had lost a tooth or had some weird gum disease or something. So I got dressed, put mascara back on (what if the vet was cute?!) and took her down to the car. Where I noticed the white gunk was gone and she was totally fine. Annnnnd scene.

Thank god I didn't drive all the way to the vet to have him say, "um, brush her teeth" or something. Good lord. Maybe I shouldn't have kids. This doesn't bode well for the future.

Sean Tells...Not Much.

What a waste of time the Bachelor: Sean Tells All episode was! (not sure why I thought it wouldn't be...)
The only enjoyable part to me was Catherine - her geeky love notes to Sean and the "lost footage" of her squeezing herself inside the snowbus tire (?!). Everything else (including the lame fan tweets throughout, begging him to just take off his shirt and tell us who wins already) was fairly useless. (He also did NOT remove his shirt. Useless.)

I still say ABC owes us a "Tierra Tells All." Or at least let us hear from her eyebrow.

Bachelor Recap: You can't go home again. (At least, Desiree can't.)

Hometown dates = crazy-ass families, putting the crazy-ass contestants to shame. Good times!

Up first is Houston with AshLee, who is tragically "falling INTO love" with Sean. (Really?) Her parents seem slightly overprotective - which is sort of understandable, given her background, but sort of weird, given that she is 32. Her pastor dad tells Sean if he dumps his daughter, he should thank his lucky stars he lives in Dallas and not Houston - yay threats! Sean decides to go there with dad, asking why he would let AshLee get married at 17. Oooooh. But he gives Sean his blessing, and AshLee gives the day an "AMAZING" stamp of approval. I foresee a verrrrry broken heart with this one.

Next: Seattle with Catherine. They seem to have adorable chemistry in the PIke Place Market, taking pictures in the photo booth, catching fish that are hurled at them (because that's what you want to smell like on a date: raw fish), etc. Catherine likes Sean's "big, beefy arms." Sigh. Then the date takes a turn when he meets her semi-disapproving family. Her adorable grandmother is smitten by Sean, but her sisters kind of suck, telling him she's moody, is only fun at first, and is a total slob, "but not dirty," explains one. Holy wicked stepsisters, Cinderella! Mom isn't much better, refusing to give her blessing and instead telling Sean, "let's see what happens." Ouch. Sean is troubled, but sucks it up in time for...

Fort Leonard Wood, MO with Lindsay. Seriously why is this girl still here. She brings nothing to the table, including cluing Sean in on how to address her two-star general of a father. (She suggests "hey you.") After an amusing warm-up, consisting of Sean doing push-ups and Lindsay yelling at him  not to kiss any other girls, he meets the general - who turns out to be a softie looking out for his daughter. Somehow HE gives Sean his blessing (and dog tags!), even though Catherine's tiny mom wouldn't. But every parent is saying the same thing to Sean - please don't hurt my daughter. He can only pick one, so CLEARLY three parents are going to be picking up the pieces. This makes my stomach churn a bit, although Sean is pretty smooth with the lines. "I'm not in the position to say 'I love you' right now." And Lindsay's mom falls hook, line and sinker.

But Dez's brother will not be swayed by these smooth lines. Back in LA, Dez first flips the script on prankster Sean by hiring an actor to play an ex who still loves her. She finally tells Sean it's all a ruse right after a fight nearly breaks out, a la "Don't put your hands on me, man." Her mom and dad are super cute and supportive, but brother Nathan thinks Sean is a playboy who doesn't love her. Say what? (I mean, he's 100% right, of course, but Say what?) Sean is perplexed and Dez knows her days are numbered.

At the rose ceremony, Sean is torn between Catherine and Dez - ironically (or not) the two whose families didn't support the relationship. Dez makes a final apology, basically saying she will disown her brother if need be, but it's too late - she gets the boot. Personally, I think Lindsay should have gone home, but maybe Sean's afraid of the General. (Or his car insurance rates. Hey-oh!)

Tonight: Sean tells all. Why the Women aren't telling all, I don't know. I really wanted to see Tierra and hear all about her engagement! Omigod! (sense the sarcastic tone, people.)

El Presidente

Having President's Day off isn't that fun since apparently everyone else has to work. But instead of complaining, I'll just go back to bed.

Second time isn't always the charm.

Sometimes a bad movie is still bad the second time around. No matter how much you want to like it. Case in point: I watched two movies last week that I thought were terrible in the theater. But maybe I was being too harsh. Maybe I should try watching them again with fresh eyes. So I did:

Valentine's Day and Sex and the City 2.

And I'm sorry to say, they were both still terrible. Maybe even worse than I remembered.

A movie that NEVER gets old for me is Top Gun - and somehow I missed the memo that it was out in limited release in 3-D. Of course when I finally got around to seeing it, the limited release was over. Dammit - that beach volleyball scene would have been redonk in 3-D. Alas.

Wait, WHAT day is it??

I love that the Kroger I frequent has set up a giant "Valentine's Express" tent in the parking lot - I assume for men who totally forgot and have to do something on the fly. I would think guys would prefer Valentine's over Christmas, though - at least if they didn't remember what day it was, the stores are still open. On Christmas, you're kind of SOL. (Although they do have nice gift options at 7-11.)

Happy heart day peeps!

I like LENTil soup...does that count?

I am not Catholic (in fact, I'm barely Presbyterian at this point), so I don't pay much attention to Lent. If I DO give anything up, it's something that I already don't do - like smoking. Or drugs. Easy. But I was thinking yesterday - what if you could give up a PERSON for Lent? Like someone who was grating on your last nerve or you just needed a respite (of, say, 40 days) from.

NOTE: I am not actually referring to anyone in particular. Just spitballing here.

Maybe after 40 days you could come back refreshed and ready to face her again. Or maybe those 40 days would turn into forever. Who's to say.  Again, all a moot point because I don't observe Lent. I'll drink a Coke/coffee/get on Facebook for those of you who ARE observing. More power to ya.

Bachelor recap - I can't control MY eyebrow, either

Ding dong the witch is dead - finally. Thank god Sean finally gave Tierra the boot. She was grating on my last nerve (and clearly on his, as well).

We open in sunny St Croix - a welcome change from snowy Canada. (Man these girls have to pack a lot of clothes!) The first one-on-one date goes to AshLee, and while she's getting ready Tierra (age 24) manages to offend me and every other single girl over 30 by calling AshLee a cougar and saying when SHE'S 32, you better believe she'll be married with kids. Um, you and me both, sweetie.

AshLee and Sean sail to a private island (been there, done that, producers) and he flat-out asks her about Tierra. Since she's not gossiping, but instead answering his question, AshLee is respected (and listened to), and tells the truth. Then at dinner she embarrasses herself (and me) by standing up and yelling out "Helloooooo St Croix! I loooooooove Sean Lowe!" Oy.

Up next: a one-on-one date for Tierra. Who is not happy because it's a city date, exploring the town - and she's hot. And sticky. And there are bugs. And she really really likes boats. Darnit. But Sean makes up for it by accidentally discovering what else she really likes - shopping - and buys her a bunch of crap on the street. But he's distant, and she knows it. And if she finds out who threw her under the bus...look out, ladies. Miss T means bidness.

But we get a reprieve in the form of a group date with Dez, Catherine and Lindsay. Sean wakes them up at 4am and snaps pictures of them without their makeup on (the horror! i have dated people for a year without them seeing me without makeup. it's THAT big of a deal, dude), then drives them to the eastern-most point to be able to watch the sunrise. And their date will go all day, until sunset. Nice. Except it ended up being too cloudy to see the sunset. Darnit again. Dez somehow gets to spend most of the day riding shotgun with Sean, so Lindsay makes the most of her one-on-one time by making out. (What she does  best.) And Catherine has yet another sob story when talking about her father, who was abused and tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters (!) - but is cool and calm enough to point out dolphins in the ocean just minutes later. Lindsay snags the rose. Not sure why. Maybe she used tongue.

Finally, Leslie gets the last one-on-one date and she feels the passion, but Sean doesn't. Uh oh.

Before the rose ceremony, though, Sean is conflicted and kindly flies his sister Shay out to St Croix to help him decide. She reminds him not to date "THAT girl," who is clearly Tierra, and he wants them to meet so she can confirm what all the other girls have been telling him the whole time. But Tierra is a little busy right now, having another breakdown and telling AshLee she sabotaged her relationship and her parents warned her that the other girls would try to take away her "sparkle." Is that what we're calling it now? She makes another rude "you're so old" remark to AshLee, whose one sad comeback is that Tierra never says good morning and just raises her eyebrow. This makes Tierra go off the deep end - as she is a mere 24, she has had no Botox and can't control her eyebrow. "I CAN'T CONTROL MY EYEBROW!" Wow. We get it. (Side bar: apparentl Tierra's eyebrow has more Twitter followers than she does. Awesome.)

Sean comes in just in time, and realizes this girl is 50 shades of crazy, so kicks her to the curb. She bawls the entire time, hoping the other girls got what they wanted. I think they did.

Leslie also gets the boot at the rose ceremony, which oddly affects Catherine more than Leslie. She wonders WHAT Sean is looking for, since Leslie and he had even more in common than she does with Sean. Interesting turn of events. But again, thankyoujesus Tierra (and her wonky brow) are dunzo.

The Dating Shame, er, Game

Watched a little live version of The Dating Game yesterday - four rounds of single guys and girls asking questions to hidden contestants vying for love (or free tickets to a show - whatever). Some of the answers were funny, some were downright cringeworthy - but I tried to think of what I would have said if I had been put on the spot, and honestly I probably would have sat there like an idiot, blinking and trying to come up with something clever, but really wanting to say "PASS." I would do best at something like this if I had the questions beforehand. They included:

Q: What makes you cry?
A: Currently, this Iams commercial. It's gotten so bad I have to fast-forward.

Q: If you were a flavor of ice cream, what kind would you be?
A: Pistachio? (PASS.)

Q: What Muppet would you be?
A: Best question ever! I want to be Beaker, but I'm probably Miss Piggy.

Q: What's the most embarrassing place you've ever fallen asleep?
A: In the movie theater on a date.

Q: What's the biggest thing about you that I would notice?
A: Either my a** or the number of purses I own.

Q: What's your best pick-up line?
A: PASS.

Q: If we were five and a bully stole my lollipop, what would you do? (Yes, these were all actual questions. Good times.)
A: Tattled to the teacher. I was kind of a goody two-shoes.

Totally would have gotten the boot from the dating show - all the normal girls did - but I did get free tickets to a concert out of it. (Seriously - they drew my name out of a hat!)

Maybe she takes after her father.

It cracks me up when people tell me how cute my dog is. I say thank you, but it's not like I had anything to do with her cuteness, aside from picking her out at the shelter. I mean, telling someone their KID is cute makes much more sense - you have your genetics to thank (at least in part) for that. But the dog? Not so much. Still - glad to hear I don't have an ugly dog. Almost as bad as an ugly baby. :)

Winning

Did anyone see Charlie Sheen on Katie this week? Amazing. He is now dating a "retired" adult film star - "just girl-on-girl" (does that make it better?!), but says he won't get married again (unless it's to Katie - an idea she wasn't really into).

He blames the tiger blood rants and generally lunacy on using too much testosterone cream....mmm-kay. But I gotta hand it to the guy - he's amusing to watch. Totally crazy, but amusing.

Hypothermia, fugly sweaters and teepee lovin'. (aka The Bachelor)

We head north to Lake Louise in Canada (so scenic, eh?) for round two of our two-night Bachelor bonanza. Catherine (who has her nose pierced - not sure I noticed that before) gets the first one-on-one date and gets to show off her sexy side in a giant onesie snowsuit - because they're playing on a glacier! Sean picks her up in a giant "snowbus" (not unlike "thundersnow") which he is apparently capable of driving? - and they do somersaults, handstands and bellyflops in what looks to be a biting blizzard. Good times. But Catherine is a good sport, and at dinner (in an ice castle with cheesy frozen roses - nice touch) she gets serious with a tragic tale of a tree that fell on her friend at summer camp and killed her. (I could make a tree falls in the forest joke here, but I won't.) Sean, a sucker for sob stories (and general sobbing), gives her the rose.

Next up: the group date, aka another chance for Sean to seriously injure the ladies. (What is the DEAL. We get it - you're outdoorsy!) This time, he wants them all to strip down to their skivvies and jump into Lake Louise for a polar bear plunge. At a degree above freezing, that lake is coooold. Selma says hell no, as she is an Iraqi who prefers the heat (although didn't she complain about the heat in the desert?? There's no pleasing this one!) - and I fear this could be the kiss of death for her. Sean WANTS you to almost die. Don't you get it?

But everyone else is game, and the let out girlie screams as they go under the icy water. Everyone is cold, but having a ball. Everyone except Tierra, who although she was the first one out of the water, all of a sudden has hypothermia. She reverted back to her "fell down the stairs" act, going unresponsive and smearing her mascara. Well played. The medic layers her in clothes and blankets and whisks her to...her hotel. Not a hospital. Interesting. Sean comes to check on her, and she's scarfing down a sandwich and has a freaking oxygen tube in her nose. COME ON PEOPLE. She also creepily threatens, "I was in a wheelchair. You BETTER marry me now." Dear god. He tells her not to push it, and heads to the swanky part of the evening. But we all knew she would show up, didn't we. Shoving her "nearly frostbitten" feet into high heels, she staggers out and gets even more one-on-one time with Sean. If he had given her the rose I would have thrown my TV over the balcony, but instead Lesley gets it. One-armed Sarah makes the fatal mistake of showing him pictures of her family and saying she wants him to meet them - and therefore Sean pulls her out of her hotel room and sends her home. Poor thing - her little sob speech to the camera rang a little close to home for me. Sarahs unite.

Dez has the final one-on-one date, and of course they rapel down a mountain. What happened to dinner and a movie?? Then they picnic and climb a tree (?!), and eventually end up snuggled in a teepee. Sean is wearing the most dramatic sweater ever (ok, or the ugliest), and now it's Dez's turn to give him her sob story - her family didn't have much money and used to live in a tent. Not unlike a teepee. Holy (clearly pre-planned) irony, producers. Sean being Sean, he loves it and gives her the rose.

Rose ceremony time - Selma knows she has work to do for bailing on the plunge, so she throws her Muslim conventions out the window and kisses him. Well played. Lindsay tries NOT to kiss him, but can't stop giggling so they end up mugging down. She BUGS me. A lot. And then AshLee pulls an odd stunt, having Sean blindfold her to show she "trusts" him, blah blah. Whereas all I could think of was "How very '50 Shades of Grey.'"

Daniela and Selma get the boot - he totally should have kept Selma and dumped Tierra, but clearly the producers like the drama queen and want to keep her around. Maybe next week she gets poisoned? (Or poisons herself?) Stay tuned...

Sean is very frustrated; Tierra is just "fustrated."

Seriously - does she not know how to pronounce that word. And Sean must have said it five times in two minutes. Serenity now!

The 11 remaining ladies are going around the world with Sean, starting with exotic...Montana. (Although I will admit it DOES look lovely. Whatever.) Sean being the outdoorsman that he is, wants to get these divas out of their comfort zone. Just like he did to Selma in the desert. Sigh.

The first one-on-one date goes to Lindsay. I don't get their chemistry, but I guess it's there, as she gets a rose and an embarrassing "private" concert in town square along with the entire town of Whitefish, Montana.

The group date is next, leaving Tierra versus Jackie for the two-on-one date. Which for some reason excites Tierra to no end. Mmmm-kay. The group date girls are divided into two teams of plaid shirts - red and blue - and must compete in a ridiculous mountain man challenge to win more time with Sean. Canoes. Hay bales. Using one of those crazy two-man saws (no clue what the actual tool is called - you should be lucky I came up with "saw"). Milking a goat. And finally, chugging the glass of fresh goat milk. (ew) The red team emerges victorious, after Dez guzzles the milk like a champ, and rejoice in their bonus night with the Bachelor.

But wait - Sean feels guilty and brings the blue team back. Oooooooh. The red team is NOT amused by this at all. Kind of agree with them - they won fair and (plaid) squares. Freaking Sean and his conscious. I should also note that someone ELSE made an appearance - Tierra. Seriously. This girl is INSANE. But Sean smooches her and tells her their date will be great. Sigh. Then Daniela starts crying because it's "just so emotional" and gets the rose. Apparently Sean has a soft spot for crying girls and likes to pacify them by giving out roses. Good to know.

The two-on-one date looms with a card from Chris Harrison that reads "two women, one rose - one stays, one goes." Nice rhyming. Tierra gives some devilish grins and crazypants cackles to the camera, knowing she has this in the bag. Poor Jackie is stuck on a slow horse during the horseback ride, so gets no time with Sean. And when she finally gets it, she talks smack about Tierra. This is the kiss of death on the Bachelor. Guys don't like that. Tierra adds a hail mary about a guy that died, and she seals the deal. Rose. Boo. Jackie is very upset in the limo home, but I don't feel that bad for her - homegirl is 25. Come talk to me when you're 35.

At the rose ceremony, it's getting intense - Tierra sucks and everyone (but Sean) knows it. So they tell him. And he wants specifics. But no one will give him any. He walks past Tierra yelling at Robyn and starts to second-guess his decision to give her a rose. He is frustrated, dammit. Sooooo frustrated. He even pulls Tierra aside to find out what the deal is, but she pulls a "I don't KNOW why they're so mean to me! Maybe they see the connection we have? Sniff..." and she's back in the safe zone. Robyn, however, is given the boot. I was hoping she would give him the honest truth about Tierra as she got into the rejection limo, but no.

Looks like more "fustrating" Tierra drama tonight - to be continued...

Guys = dense.

None of the men in my office have even noticed that my hair is a different color. Classic. And typical.

Water bowl cam? Check.

Oh, the Puppy Bowl. So fantastic. From the names of the dogs (Harry! Sally! Gunther!) to the hedgehog cheerleaders to the kitten halftime show to the hamsters in the blimp to the kiss cam, it was thoroughly entertaining. My favorite part was when the ref (lucky bastard!) went on the field to call for naptime, and instead found himself at the bottom  of a pile of puppies. Seriously too cute for words. I think my dog wants to participate next time.

For some highlights, click here.

Party like it's 1999

Tomorrow, I'm going back to my natural hair color - red. (Technically strawberry blonde, but let's face it - it's going to be red.) I haven't been a redhead since I bleached my hair the color of snow in 1999. 1999, people. To give you an idea of how long ago that was, I did a little digging...

Things that were happening in 1999

Bill Clinton was the president
Y2K was stressing people out
Napster and MySpace had just launched
In theaters: Star Wars Phantom Menace and American Pie
On the radio: An unknown named Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, Blink 182
On TV: Dawson's Creek

Actually, that all sounds fairly amazing. Where's a Delorean time machine when you really need one.

I told my co-workers if I show up on Monday in a turban, something went horribly wrong. Wish me and my poor traumatized hair follicles luck.