Freeze frame. Er, face.

Never one to turn down a bargain, I only get botox when it's discounted. So a few weeks ago, when a friend offered up FREE botox, I raised my eyebrows in glee (knowing I wouldn't be able to do so afterwards). But of course, nothing is free, so there was a small catch - her dentist was getting certified to administer botox, and needed some volunteers to practice on. Still - bring it. So I drove to a hotel and found myself in one of its ballrooms, surrounded by a hundred dentists at a conference. When it was my turn, I was swarmed by about 10 of them, all whipping out their phones and taking photos. (Please god don't let be a "before" on someone's website.) The head guy even announced that I was a perfect candidate, because I was young, but "had a lot of wrinkles." Um, thank you?

Needless to say, even with the crowd gathered, it was painless (as painless as jamming 30 needles in your face can be), and the results look AMAZEBALLS. But that's what you get when you get poison in your face for free.

Tales in an elevator

I've had two recent encounters in my apartment elevator that I have deemed blog-worthy.

1. You will remember I bought the fake Hermes purse. I've had a few people think it's real - which was the whole point - but last week a woman got on the elevator with a little boy, and she was carrying my purse in tan. I opened my mouth to say "love your bag!" and show her mine, but then I saw the small gold lettering HERMES on the front. Annnnnd scene. I cowered in the corner for the rest of the elevator ride.

2. Last night I played softball for the first time in 10 years. (Not particularly well, but not particularly terrible either.) I got on the elevator to go to my apartment around 10:45pm, and a man I've chatted with before got on as well. We used to run into each other in the building's gym, and he is at least 65. Handsome, but 65. So we chatted, he asked if I lived by myself (red flag!), I said yes (idiot!), and then he asked if I'd like to get off on his floor and have a glass of wine with him in his apartment. Ummmm pass. Thank god for my dog. The best excuse in the world. Should be fun times the next time I run into him. Oof.

An Ambien night. Without the Ambien.

Sometimes I have dreams that are so realistic, I wake up not sure if they happened or not. Take last night, for example. I dreamed that I got a complaining work email and fired off a response - maybe to the whole company. Woke up in the middle of the night not sure if it actually happened. Fearing the worst, I got up, logged into my laptop and checked my sent email. Phew. Just a dream. In the future, I might start turning my phone off at night, just to avoid these types of scenarios. Or "shoot the hostage," if you will. (Yay Speed.)

Franceeesco. That's fun to say. Franceeeeesco.

Went to San Francisco last weekend for the first time - loved it. I'd forgotten how great sunny California is, even with a group from work. It was quite the international bunch, actually:

• A Romanian from Chicago
• A Frenchman from London
• A Kiwi (!) from Sydney

And then me. Boring old American me. Alas.

Medical mystery or just crappy clothes?

Got dressed semi in the dark this morning, and noticed in the mirrored elevator that one of my pants legs was dragging on the ground, while the other one wasn't. For a brief second, I thought one of my legs had grown longer than the other, but quickly realized the hem came out. Moral victory, I guess - except I don't know how to sew.

Dancin'

The NCAA tournament starts today - and even though UNC doesn't have much of a chance this year, I'm still pretty psyched. I think it's particularly funny that I have girl friends (and GUY friends!) who wait to fill out their bracket until they talk to me and get my advice. Because I know soooo much about all 64 schools. (Not true, but I could BS my way through about 45 of them.)

Let the Big Dance begin!

Julia Child, I am not.

Took a cooking class at Central Market last night. Now, I cook. Every night. (Assuming instant oatmeal counts as cooking.) Who are we kidding - I can't make anything. So what class do I choose to start with? Korean food, of course. Logical.

It was really fun - didn't have to do much except drink wine. Actually, the chef instructor DID give me a job - to add water to the sauce - and I attempted to dump it in but didn't realize the lid was still on the container. (I drank a LOT of wine.) Oddly, I wasn't asked to do much after that. But we got to eat a bunch of different things, and got to take the recipes home.

I mean, you never know when you'll get a hankerin' to make kim chi. (Or instant oatmeal. Sigh.)

There's no R in "Nomah"

There's a ridiculous new reality show on vh1 called Wicked Single, about a bunch of late 20-somethings in Boston. Excuse me, Bahston. Hearing their accents reminds me of living there when I was in grad school. It's truly a sight to behold. Or a sound to behold? I remember one night in particular, I was at a bah and overheard this guy tell his friend, "I can't find my khakis!" Wondering why he was so concerned about his pants, I finally figured out he said CAR KEYS. Ah. Similarly, I went to a Sawks game at Fenley Pahk, and they were selling jerseys outside that said NOMAH on the back. (translation: Nomar Garciaparra, for English-speakers.)

Wicked awesome, indeed.

O' no

Spotted two dead (o)possums in the road on the way to work. Not a good day to be a possum. Or even an opossum. (Is there EVER a good day to be one?!)

Although they do sound Irish - one would think they would enjoy St Patricks Day. Maybe not as much when the post-St Pats revelers get back behind the wheel.

Wow - morbid post on a Monday. Very o'sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen: The most depressing song of all time!!

I found an old country mixed tape (okay, cd) in the car yesterday, and heard this doozy by Pam Tillis. Seriously??

She'll turn thirty-four this weekend
She'll go out with her girlfriends
They'll drink some margaritas, cut up and carry on
There'll be guys and there'll be come ons
She'll probably get hit on
But she thinks all the good ones are gone

She's got friends down at the office
And she can't help but notice
That when the day is over
How they all hurry home
Every day there's guys she works with
And even some she flirts with
But it seems like all the good ones are gone

And her mama called this mornin'
Said I'm worried about my baby
I wish you had a family of your own
She said mom it's not that easy
You make it sound so simple
But you can't take the first man that comes along
(NOTE: I think I have had this actual conversation with my mother.)
Once she had someone who loved her
Back when she was younger
Now she wonders if she held out
A little bit too long
Back then there were so many
Now there just aren't any
It seems like all the good ones are gone

And her mama called this mornin'
Said I'm worried about my baby
I wish you had a family of your own
She said mom it's not that easy
You make it sound so simple
But you can't take the first man that comes along

She'll turn thirty-four this weekend
She'll go out with her girlfriends
They'll drink some margaritas, cut up and carry on


Now excuse me as I kill myself. As I'm turning thirty-SIX this year. Thanks, country music.

Hey, neighbor

I live in a high-rise apartment building with 16 floors, all of which look exactly the same. This morning, Charlie and I were headed back upstairs after our walk. We got off on our floor, she did her familiar sprint down the hall (lord she loves being off the leash), and I opened my door. Or tried to. After jiggling the key in the lock for a few seconds, I looked up and realized I was at my apartment - just two floors below. So for anyone in apartment 1018 - real sorry about that 6am wake-up call. I'm sure there is video footage of me scooping up the dog and making a run for it.

Hole in one, indeed

Okay, these sinkholes are starting to freak me out!

First the guy in Florida just disappears when his bedroom sinks, and now a guy out playing golf with his buddies in Illinois?

Is it just me, or does the earth hate us? Maybe this is its revenge for the ozone layer.

Lowe is me.

No wonder he is ready to get married tomorrow. Ha.
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20681404,00.html

This is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. No, wait - THIS is the toughest. (A Bachelor recap)

How many times has Sean used that phrase this season?? Sheesh.

We're back in Thailand, and Sean's family comes to visit and to meet the two final ladies. (Side bar: how cute is his brother-in-law??) His mom cries, telling him he doesn't HAVE to pick anyone (foreshadowing, perhaps?), and his dad is absolutely the cutest, even with a random neon pink shirt on underneath his button-down. He makes both Lindsay and Catherine feel comfortable - well, actually, he makes both of them cry.

Come to think of it, there are LOTS of tears in this episode - mainly from Sean. He's almost crying more than he's shirtless. Almost. But I digress.

Sean and Lindsay have a leisurely date, floating down the Mekong River. Lindsay thinks everything is "cool!" Sigh. But dammit, she's in love and she means it. Sean says nothing in return. (Who was hoping for a "thank you?")

Catherine and Sean proceed to have The Coolest Date in Bachelor history - riding a freaking elephant. Are you kidding me with this. I was so enthralled with the sweet pachyderm that I almost didn't notice that Sean and Catherine had on matching blue pants (obviously provided to ride the elephant, but still. weird.). She too is in love, and once again, Sean says nothing.

Sean is conflicted, but not so much that he can't wander around shirtless and pick out a rock from Neil Lane. Seriously - they flew Neil Lane to Thailand? Holy production value.

Then it's time for the engagement. And the brush-off. Both women apparently got the "wear a long metallic gown and super high heels because you'll be walking across a rickety bridge and over rocks and through the trees and that's the ideal ensemble!" memo - Lindsay in silver and Catherine in gold. (Foreshadowing, perhaps??)

Who would be the first to step out of the limo (and therefore be the loser) - gold or silver?? It's....silver! Complete with a heavily tattooed foot (who knew, Lindsay??). Poor thing is saying in her voiceover how this is the best day - this is her engagement day! And I'm just cringing, waiting for the "you're great, but..." Sean went a step further, though - threw in an "I love you, but..." Wow. Ouch. Lindsay takes it as well as can be expected, tells Sean this is her worst nightmare and for him to stop crying, and takes off her shoes and walks out. LOVE that she went barefoot. Poor Linds.

Before Catherine appears, Sean gets a mysterious letter (thanks, Chris Harrison) which has been overhyped all freaking season. And of course, it's just a love letter from Catherine. (This would have been more awkward had the outcome been different, I grant you.) Then Catherine appears in gold (she's #1!), Sean proposes, she tells him she's addicted to him (thank you?), and they ride off into the sunset. On a damn elephant. Best (cheesy) ending ever.

I read the spoilers long ago, so I've known it was Catherine all along. I had my doubts that they would last - but seeing them on the After the Rose special last night (bringing the grand total of Bachelor-themed programming to 3 hours), I have to say - they are freaking adorable together. Look super in love and have already agreed to let ABC pay for their wedding (er, televise it for all to see). Ka-ching!

Dez is the new Bachelorette - no big surprise there - please GOD have at least one Dawson or Pacey look-alike in the group of 25 men. I don't wanna wait....(for our lives to be over, not for the dams Bachelorette to start. Give me a little credit, peeps.)

Overheard at the sports bar

The UNC-Duke game Saturday night was kind of a nightmare. At least, it was a nightmare if you were a Carolina fan. But even amid terrible basketball, there were some amazing quotes from the (all-UNC, save for one poor table of Dookies) crowd:

"Hey! We're on a 4-0 run!"
"Was that Brooklyn Decker and Andy Roddick?"
"I'm so glad we can't hear Vitale."
"Let's stop watching. What have YOU been up to?"

Towards the end, it turned ugly:

"I'm never watching basketball again."
"I'm going to kill myself."

Ah, sports.

Consider me Alert.

For some reason, my phone now gives me Amber Alerts. Loudly. And multiple notifications at that. It's a great idea, but it kind of amuses me that you rarely hear about an Amber Alert in a Maserati. Or a Mercedes. No, it's usually a 1986 Toyota Tercel. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Can I get an Amen?

I have mentioned that I am not a religious person. Grew up going to church, got confirmed, even still have a Bible somewhere. But certainly not a good Presbyterian by any means. But I had heard so much hype about the Bible miniseries on the History Channel, I finally tuned in last night. Good lord (no pun intended) - it was pretty good!  The Bible seems like quite the page-turner. (I'm sure to those of you who DO go to church regularly, this is like a "Hello, Captain Obvious" statement.)

It had everything - adultery, sibling rivalry, lust, violence, you name it. Kind of like watching an episode of the Real Housewives. But with locusts and a lot more dust.

And I have to admit, it was kind of cool that I actually remembered some stuff from Sunday School back in the day. (The story of Passover? Totally called it.) And the fact that Sarah (Abraham's wife) had a kid at like 40 was inspiring. Maybe that Sarah will be THIS Sarah. Yay God.

Chi-town? Bye-town.

Typing this from sunny Dallas - had a big-time travel FAIL yesterday due to the snowstorm. First flight: cancelled. Second flight: cancelled. Third flight: delayed three hours. I finally gave up, and will just view the conference via webinar. (Thrilling! But at least I can wear my pjs.) Sadly, my luggage IS in Chicago. (Maybe,) God I hope I get it back. My hair straightener is in there! (Plus medications, but c'mon - without straight hair, who cares about my thyroid condition.)

I have to admit, I was pretty psyched to get to go pick up my puppy from day care. I'm sure they thought my "flight was cancelled" was just a ruse, and I was too sad to leave  her. Only partly true, PetSmart.

Kleenex, aisle 6

I dropped Charlie off at the pet hotel this morning, and started crying while still checking her in. Mortifying. And then really started bawling in the car. Maybe this is how parents feel on the first day of kindergarten? Oof. Waterproof mascara would have been a good call.

WTA? WTF.

That's "women tell all," for the non-fans. But it wasn't much of a tell-all. In sum:

Bachelor-watching parties across America (or at least across Los Angeles) are crashed by Chris Harrison and Sean. Who obliges the sorority girls and takes off his shirt. Slightly embarrassed to be a woman.

Tierra is flat-out cray. Seriously made no sense, contradicted herself, and thank god, raised her eyebrow.

One-armed Sarah is so cute, but not sure why she's STILL crying over Sean. You can do better!

AshLee looked hot. I will give you that. But man she was tough on Sean. He handled it as well as he could, though.

I predict Dez is the next Bachelorette. Too cute. Although I still support Kacie B, who didn't get to say anything last night.

Just one more night of this nonsense. Until the Bachelorette this summer, of course.

And again, I will plug Burning Love. Another stellar episode last night.

Good thing I haven't packed away all my winter stuff.

It's going to be 84 today in Dallas. I'm heading to Chicago tomorrow, where it's a 100% chance of snow and a high of 33. Good lord. My sightseeing might take place from the comfort (and warmth) of my hotel room.

Busted for boppin'

Have you ever wondered how, in Footloose, if they're not allowed to dance, how do they all know the same choreographed numbers in the finale?

See for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBaVbbPJVl0