Bachelorette recap: "There were trainwrecks at every station."

If you'll humor me, I'd like to do this recap a bit differently. I'm going to breeze by the boring one-on-one dates and focus on the Best Group Date EVER. Thanks.

We arrive in Atlantic City (guess Vegas wasn't in the budget). Des has another lame one-on-one date with Brad (who?), who thank god doesn't get the rose. Then she has a tear-jerker date with James (big-neck), touring the destruction from Hurricane Sandy. (Romantic!) Which then becomes "The Elderly Bachelor" when a Jersey Shore couple whose house was destroyed gets to go on the date, see Darius Rucker, eat a fancy dinner, ride in a limo, even have interviews with the camera. Cute, yes, but it all went on a bit long for me. We get it, ABC. Jan and Manny are sweet. But jeez. I will note that James again mentions he's there "for the right reasons" - this needs to be a drinking game.

Now back to the good stuff. Oh good lord - it's a Bachelorette Mr. America competition. Who else thinks this should be its own reality show. I would watch this crap every week (wait - I already do. Hey-oh.). With advice from the reigning Miss America (not cute - what gives?) and a fabulous gay pageant coach, the boys learn to walk the runway (amazing), answer interview questions (Juan Pablo FTW), perform a talent (back to this in a minute) and of course, the swimsuit competition (banana hammocks!!). Yessssss.

Luckily, the guys all seem up for the challenge, and all seem to have recently been tanned and waxed. So we're good. The talent portion was my favorite part - everything from Magic Mike (Bryden!) to ukelele smashing (Brooks) to a reading from Romeo and Juliet (Drew) to baton twirling (Juan Pablo, with amazing natural talent!) to rhythmic gymnastics with a ribbon (Ben) to bad tap-dancing (Kasey) to some sort of embarrassing striptease (Mickey) to the odd choice of hula-hooping in high heels (Chris). Seriously I could have watched this all night.

Kasey wins, although my money was on Chris, but that oddly doesn't guarantee him the rose. It instead goes to Zak W for his lengthy (and highly fast-forwardable) guitar-playing and singing. Alrighty. Chris also reveals he's a poet (and does in fact know it), reading her some of his work before moving in for the smooch. Smooth, man. There is also some usual Ben-bashing from his fan club (Mickey and Michael). Getting old, boys.

At the cocktail party, Bryden is distraught and might just go home, but Des convinces him to stay. Michael (federal prosecutor) spells out D-E-S and goes in for a seemingly awkward kiss (seriously - has she kissed them ALL at this point?!). Sadly, only the other Zack gets the boot. Always awkward when only one guy goes home.

Next week: Munich and Ben shares some of the bad-boy rap with James. Yay for big necks and bigger egos!