Bachelorette recap: Ich bin ein Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette world tour has begun! First stop: Munich. Des has never been to Europe, so she's pretty stoked to use one of the only German words she knows: Prost (cheers)! (I may have also heard her say Danke at the very beginning.)

Also busting out the German is Chris Harrison, who greets the remaining dudes with a Guten Morgen (and yes, my "Learn German in Your Car" CDs are finally coming in handy). I find myself wildly distracted by the fact that the guys are all wearing the same hoodie (albeit in different colors). We will soon learn that underneath those hoodies, they're all wearing different shades of v-neck tees, and over those hoodies, matching furry hooded parkas. So bizarro.

The first one-on-one date goes to Chris, who agrees to look moronic by trying to speak and understand German, dressing up in lederhosen (had to look up the spelling on that bad boy) and dancing around the square while a crowd gathered. Morons are even morons in Germany, apparently. The date gets interrupted by Bryden, who scours the town to find Des in order to tell her he's leaving. She seems more upset that he got a free flight to Munich than the fact that he's ditched her, but he doesn't really seem to care. She returns to Chris, saying she doesn't want to talk about it, then proceeds to talk about it for the next 10 minutes. Chris changes the subject by reading her another poem (and I fast-forwarded here to avoid the awkward), they kiss and dance and he snags the rose. Danke.

The group date showcases the above-mentioned parkas: they head up to the top of the highest peak, with breathtaking views of the Alps. And yes, there was a yodeler. Thankyoujesus. Loved that Juan Pablo didn't know how to pronounce it and needed the producers to help a brother out. Who else was hoping for a yodelling competition between the guys? But no - instead they catapulted themselves DOWN the highest peak in little plastic sleds. And all proceeded to wipe out. One poor soul even crashed into Des. She brushed it off (as well as the snow in her face) and they headed inside to get warm. Or not, since they chose to hang out in an ice bar. I have been to an ice bar before (of course, it was in Vegas, not Germany), and that shiz is freezing. No one was wiping their runny noses or rubbing their hands together for warmth, so methinks it was not as cold as it could have been. Brooks gets some alone time with Des, and they seem to really have chemistry. And like to make out. He's mad about the one-on-one time James (big-neck) gets, but I personally enjoyed Nick. He interrupted Mikey's date by yodelling to Des, and then told her how 10 years ago in that very spot, he decided not to be a priest. But they still haven't kissed, so I don't think Des is feeling Mr Abs. The rose goes to Brooks, but James doesn't mind - the only person he has to fear is himself. Ominous.

Speaking of ominous, the dreaded two-on-one date is next, pitting rivals Ben and Michael against each other. (Nice work, producers!) Michael compares it to a gladiator setting, saying he's going to kill Ben. Or at least use his awesome federal prosecutor skills on him. Ooooooh.We proceed to the Most Awkward Date in the History of Time.

Des tells the boys they have to polar bear plunge-it into the lake, but JUST KIDDING! Instead, they all sit and stare at each other in a floating hot tub (awesome, btw). Michael immediately goes for the jugular, telling Des that Ben doesn't get along with anyone in the house, and asks him point-blank how often he has called his son since he's been on the show. Basically calls him a dead-beat dad. And there's nowhere for Ben to go! (One problem with the floating hot tub - it's not a floating hot tub time machine. Hey-oh.)

There's no relief back on dry land at dinner, as Michael next decides to call Ben out on his faith, wondering why he didn't go to church with everyone else on Easter. (Um, why wasn't this filmed? Amazing.) Ben finally has to take a moment to collect himself, and Des tells Michael he's waaaaay out of line (Amen. No pun intended.). Michael rebounds, knowing he's about to screw himself out of the rose, and expresses his concerns for her and Ben. I was really hoping she would send both of these idiots packing, but Michael somehow manages to get the rose. Ben shows his true d-bag colors in the exit limo. Bye, Ben. Maybe I'll come visit you at your bar. But probably not.

During this debacle, we pan back to the fellas in the hotel, and learn that James is happy to replace Ben as the villain - he just wants to be the next Bachelor. Since he already "owns" Chicago. Really? Does Oprah know about this? But that will have to be continued, because the only guy going home after the rose ceremony is Mikey. Excellent choice. Eliminating, one meathead at a time.

I may print up some Team Juan Pablo shirts. Just sayin'.