You can't do that on television

So, this happened: http://www.buzzfeed.com/dorsey/speaker-boehner-calls-himself-boner

And it reminds me of this:

Which of course begs the question, how did the censors allow a sitcom character to be named "Boner." On ABC, no less.

Reason 4,871 why the 80s were the best decade.

Sex, drugs and rock & roll. Well, two out of three.

Last night we went to Love Bites, an 80s hair band video singalong at a movie theater. Everyone got lighters and they played all the hits:

Journey.
Bon Jovi.
Cinderella.
Peter Cetera.
The Bangles.
Nazareth.
Def Leppard.
Poison.
Guns N Roses (x2!).

The crowd was singing, slow-dancing, head-banging, and at least one was smoking pot. Way to commit to the role, people.

Bachelor recap: Two "I love you's" and a "go F yourself." Sounds about right

Ohhhh Juan Pablo. Finally your stupidity and complete lack of compassion (and intellect) catches up with you. At least, with one girl. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

We arrive in beautiful St Lucia for three wild nights in the fantasy suite. Forgive me, but didn't these used to each be in a different location? Guess ABC is cutting back on the travel budget.

Clare has the first date and she and her rectangle necklace are verrrrry excited. She's in love she's in love and she doesn't care who knows it! (stolen from Elf) After fun times on a yacht, Clare is nervous about the fantasy suite - will JP respect her in the morning? Since he totally turned on her after the romp in the ocean, it's not a bad question. But good news: as JP mentiond about 8 times, there are no cameras! Let the overnight romp begin! (I will bypass the embarrassing part where she asked if he liked her dress.)

Next up: Andi. Things go swimmingly as they play soccer with local St Lucia kids and smooch under a waterfall. He is concerned about her telling him how badly she wanted to fall in love - don't force it, mami! All is right with the world and they shack up. But the bottom falls out the next morning - WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FANTASY SUITE DOESN'T STAY IN THE FANTASY SUITE! Andi is totally disgusted by JP's behavior - he doesn't ask any questions about her, only talks about himself, talked about his overnight romp with Clare, and just acts like an all-around douche. I've been seeing signs of this all season - glad one of these girls finally got the heads up.

But before she can tell him off, we have one more fantasy suite with Nikki, who opts for riding horses on the beach in a bikini top. Made me cringe just thinking about all that jiggling. She too is in love and tells him so just in time for the fantasy suite card. Nice timing, Chris Harrison. (And nice girly handwriting as well.)

JP meets up with CH to watch the video messages (also cring-worthy; why are we still doing these?), and Andi surprises him with a face-to-face meeting (in tiny lace shorts). She tells him off in the most awesome way possible, asking why he keeps saying everything is "ok." I don't love you. Ok. I'm leaving you. Ok. You are terrible. Ok. What religion am I? Ok. (Sidebar conversation: JP: "What religion ARE you?" Andi: "Catholic." Sarah: "good to know.") He says "ok" so much he starts laughing about it, but she is so over it. She asks why he called her the default, and he claims he doesn't know what that word means and has never used it before in his life. Not sure you can use the ESL excuse when you have lived in the United States for so long. Annnnnd peace out, JP.

Two roses, two girls - Clare and Nikki luck out and get to move on to the finale.

But next week is the Women Tell All, which should be the Most Dramatic WTA Ever. Hurrah.

Bachelor recap: Hys and lows

Hometown dates! Meeting the parents! Awkward times ahead!

First up: heading to St Louis with Nikki. After some BBQ and stereotypical mechanical bull riding, JP meets her family. They all seem fairly normal, with her father giving the "you sit at this table, you're family" speech. She's in love but can't tell him yet. Get used to this.

Next: Atlanta to meet Andi's family. They hit a shooting range first, which should be foreshadowing on the "looks could kill" that JP is about to get from Andi's father, Hy. (Sidebar: What is "Hy" short for? I really want to know.) Hy is not cool with the whole JP dating three other women thing, and isn't afraid to tell him so, refusing to give his blessing if they get engaged. And I kind of love it. Andi's mom seems on board, asking JP to dance, but her sister is also questioning the relationship. Ruh roh. Andi does decide that she "could be" falling in love with him. Ruh roh again.

Then it's on to Sarasota to meet Renee and her son, Ben (!). So adorbs at his little league game - you can tell Renee is such a good mom. And that JP thinks the best way to bond with an 8-year-old is constant fist-bumping.

Renee's family likes JP, and they just want her to be happy. Aw. This won't end well. Normal families never do.

Finally, JP heads to Sacramento for a very bizarro encounter with Clare's family. All 5 sisters and one brother, plus her mom. Clare looks like NONE of these people, first of all. A few sisters are team JP, but not Laura. Laura is protective of - not Clare, but their mother - and stands guard like a weird secret service agent. She finally agrees to talk to JP, who apparently wins her over so he can speak Spanish with el madre. Whatever. I guess Clare has to cry in every episode.

And speaking of crying, so does Juan Pablo. At the rose ceremony. Again. Poor Renee gets the boot, and has the most awesome exit limo conversation ever. She even tells him she was in love with him and he's the one crying! #wtf #herspidereyelashesaresemiannoying

Looking at the top four ladies, one can't help but think who the next Bachelorette will be. I'm hoping for Andi - she seems like the most logical (and non-crazy) choice. But lord knows they will pick Clare and that should make for some must-see TV.

Tonight: things go awry in the fantasy suite. JP can't perform? Ay yay yay.

Anti-social network

Went on a date with a guy this weekend who said he doesn't use Facebook. Which I'm sure is refreshing to many, but to me it was the equivalent of him telling me he smoked crack. I think I gave him a blank stare in response, so he probably thought I was smoking crack.

Just one question...

Did Duke win?

That's what pajama pants are for, yo.

Saw a girl walking her dog this morning wearing nothing but a shorty robe. That's a bold move right there. And it was like 7:30, so light enough for everyone driving to work to see her. Speaking of robes, there's a super-old man that lives in my building who is like 4 feet 11 and always wanders around in a robe and socks. But I guess once you reach the age of 90, that's totally cool. The other girl, not so much.

Two unrelated sports comments. Well, related because they're about sports.

1. Why are they the Toronto Maple LEAFS. They should be the Maple LEAVES. This seriously bothers me. Blame Canada, I guess. #grammarnazi

2. Watched Pride of the Yankees for the first time this week. So freaking good. (And yes, most of the time I kept thinking about Bill Pullman's Sleepless in Seattle impersonation: "the luckiest man-man-man on the face-face-face of the earth-earth-earth.")

Play ball!

Bachelor recap: the most awkward silence in the history of awkward silences

We're in Miami trick!

JP is back in his hometown and has the sweaty shirts to prove it. The first one-on-one date goes to Sharleen, who as usual looks like she would rather get a root canal. She is still waffling on the whole idea of JP, doesn't see a future with him, basically can't even have a conversation with him. All they really have in common is swapping spit. Which they do a LOT. She tries to explain herself, he nods and pats her head, then they kiss some more. She even tells him she wishes she was dumber (!) - then things might work out. (Or maybe if he was a tad bit smarter? Anyone?) You can tell her time on the show is drawing nigh.

Up next: a one-on-one with Nikki, who oddly gets to meet JP's family, including his daughter and baby mama. Awkward, much? Considering Nikki didn't get the memo and is wearing daisy dukes. (I did love her floral silk robe thingie and those gladiator sandals, not gonna lie) Camila does an adorable song-and-dance number in her recital and gives Nikki a Cheeto-y smooch. Aw. Clearly she is the front-runner, since no one else got to meet his family. (And don't they usually wait to meet when there are only two left? Weird.)

Before the group date (four girls, one rose!), Sharleen finally puts on her big girl opera panties and tells JP the fat lady has sung. Or does she. I swear - that was the friendliest break-up I have ever seen, and I wasn't completely sure he hadn't convinced her to stick around for a while longer. But then she got into a cab and he cried (which should be a drinking game, btw), so I realized it was finally dunzo. She clearly was embarrassed for him to meet her family, which is semi-awesome.

Group date - not a helicopter this time, but a prop plane brought to you by some company who got a big shout-out but that I can't remember anymore. He spends one-on-one time with everyone (although I don't recall seeing him hang out with Renee?), and gives Andi the rose because she broke down and cried about being insecure and emotional. Things are getting a little predictable with JP, no?

Clare and Nikki get into it back at the hotel - someone give these girls their own show! I was thoroughly entertained by how bitchy they were to each other. Greatness. I half expected Nikki to rip that god-forsaken necklace off Clare's neck. Maybe next week. Then at the rose ceremony, they sit next to each other in complete silence for what felt like an eternity, which was probably a minute. Then Andi joined, and then Renee - still, complete silence. Poor giggly Chelsie tried to get everyone talking about jewelry, but Nikki cut her off with an "I'm just not sentimental." Oooooh.

Chelsie got the boot, and although I found her a bit cartoonish and annoying, she redeemed herself with the walk to the limo. Very mature and cool about getting dumped. (Until she started bawling in the car.) JP cried, again. And Clare, glaring at Nikki, stage-whispered "that was a mistake. Huge mistake." Oh, ladies. This is gonna get good.

Next week, a freaking two-night Bachelor event, where apparently no one's family likes JP and something goes awry in the fantasy suite. Dun dun DUUUUUUUN.

Tinderized

So last night I went on my first Tinder "date." I say "date" because it really wasn't, and it was really weird. So of course I will share it with you. Got matched with this guy yesterday, we messaged back and forth a few times and he asked if I wanted to meet up. Having decided on a year of YES (or possibly a year of stupid decisions), I agreed and met him and his friend at a bar. Had never been to this place before, although it is just down the street from my apartment, and good lord. It was insanity at 6:30pm on a Sunday. Granted, it's a holiday weekend, but Jesus. I even saw one girl doing a handstand against the outside wall of the bar next door, twerking upside down. And in the bar where we were, girls were dancing on the bar and on the stripper pole. House music was blaring. And the sun had JUST gone down. It was a little trippy, to be sure.


The guy was nice, but pretty quiet. When he went to the bathroom, his buddy gave me HIS number, saying he'd like to take me out. What?? Then later he walked by and whispered in my ear that his friend was gay. Um, this is new. And very bizarre.


Who knows what will come of this - probably nothing - but at least I can say I met up with someone from Tinder. And can add the Concrete Cowboy off my list of places to never go again.

Dwight Schrute gets it.

This explains a lot

Took one of those now-omnipresent quizzes to find out why I'm single. And here is the reason:

 

 

I mean. Fairly accurate assessment.

Happy V-Day to the single and the not so single!

Re-match. It's ON.

Duke-Carolina game postponed yesterday due to inclement weather. However, the Pittsburgh women's basketball team arrived safely in Chapel Hill last night (all the way from Pittsburgh!!), but the Duke men's team couldn't make it 8 miles down the road? #fail #justonemorereasontohateduke

Closet Challenge 2014: Update

You all will be pleased (or horrified) to know that, 43 days into the new year, I have yet to wear the same outfit twice. I'm both proud and ashamed of that fact. 322 days to go...

Bachelor recap: balls rolling around and other adventures

We head to New Zealand, which Juan Pablo describes as having "lots of lakes and rivers." Reminded me of a third-grader giving a Geography report. The first date goes to Andi, and we see the First One-piece Bathing Suit in Bachelor history! (That's how boring this date was. I was focused on her bathing suit) They climbed through some very claustrophobic cave passages and wound up under a waterfall, with Andi wrapped around JP smooching him. When she said she hoped she would feel something later that night at dinner, I may have giggled.

Up next is the group date, and it's everyone but Clare. (gag) There is some serious foreshadowing with Cassandra, who is turning 22 (!) and always looks a little pissed off to be there. The ladies are all bundled up to have a picnic, but luckily all have their bikinis on underneath because JP takes them OGO-ing, which is basically careening down a steep hill in giant clear plastic balls filled with water. Good times. I know I personally think it's romantic when I puke on the guy I'm dating. Nikki confesses she is falling for JP, Sharleen basically confesses she isn't, and gets the rose anyway. JP pulls Cassandra outside and sends her home. On her birthday. That's awesome. Then there's a dramatic little montage of her driving away and Juan strolling in the rain. Jesus.

Clare's date starts off slow, as she asks JP for an apology for making her feel like a total slut. He sort of does, and it seems to appease her crazy for a while. They then change into sweatpants, which totally turns him on, and they dance embarrassingly and smooch a lot. She gets the rose.

At the rose ceremony, only one girl will get sent home. Chelsie is convinced it will be Kat; of course Kat believes Chelsie is a goner. She tries to solidify this theory by telling Juan Pablo about her drunk dad, but sadly he doesn't care and she gets the boot. Sharleen is oddly unsettled by this and looks like she wants to get the heck out of dodge. Foreshadowing, methinks.

Next week: Bienvenidos a Miami!!

Beatle-mania

Last night I watched the special on the 50th anniversary of the Beatles' appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. Such greatness. Yoko Ono is still super bizarre, but it was nice to see her singing along with Ringo Starr. Oh, Ringo. I know I may be in the minority, but he is my favorite Beatle. Just goofy and funny. And adorbs:

I almost teared up seeing Paul and Ringo onstage performing together. Can't believe my mom saw them in concert back in 1964. #heyjealousy

My parents are both huge Beatles fans (especially my dad), so I grew up listening to that kind of music. Which kind of makes me wonder what music we will be instilling in our kids someday - Britney? Bieber? Maybe I'll stick with the Beatles.

Sochi: Russia being hilarious completely unintentionally

So this is the funniest thing ever. Sad and slightly horrifying, but funny. Never a good sign when the hotel rooms take precedence over the athletics during the Olympics. Another thing I don't understand - since when do the sports start before the Opening Ceremonies? That could have bought Sochi an additional 24 hours to get things ready. Ha.

#sochiproblems

It's SNOWtime

It's snowing like gangbusters outside. I thought we would just get a flurry or two - but it was fairly white-out blizzardy driving to work! (Although somehow didn't have to use my windshield wipers...)

Proof positive:

Can't help thinking of the movie The Day After Tomorrow...where's Dennis Quaid when you really need him?!

Hulk Angry. Hulk Sad.

I either Incredible Hulk'd myself yesterday or had my very own version of "Fat Guy in a Little Coat" when the back of my brand-new blazer completely ripped up the seam. All day at work, I had to walk around with my back against the wall.

Bachelor recap: A panda in a sea of brown bears

El Bachelor and his senoritas head to Vietnam, and single mom Renee gets the first one-on-one date. She wants a kiss real bad, but JP is afraid her 8-year-old son will kick his ass and assume he's going to get a stepdad. Buzzkill. No kiss (yet), but she does snag the rose.

The group date includes everyone but Nikki, and Andi is pissed to be with all the other girls. They pair up for a boat ride, but poor Clare doesn't have any friends and - clever girl - gets paired with JP instead. They get stuck in some reeds and decide to make out in plain view of the other girls. No bueno, JP. After working in the rice fields, Clare gets the first alone time with him, further annoying all of the ladies. Andi learns how to say "give me a little kiss" en espanol (and gets one, I might add), and Clare of course gets the rose.

Clare pays JP a late night visit, asking him to join her in the ocean. He of course obliges and they frolic and smooch in, according to Clare, "virtual bliss." Alrighty.

Nikki's one-one-date of course involves an element of danger - rapelling down a cave. And she is of course afraid of heights. This show pretty much writes itself at this point. Nikki later opens up about wanting kids (and stepkids) and JP gives her the rose.

And then things get weird. At the rose ceremony, JP finally kisses a jubilant Renee. He then pulls Clare aside and tells her he regrets the blissful dip in the ocean, because his daughter will see the show and think bad things about both of them. Um, ouch. She starts crying, and the JP I don't like emerges. He tells her to stop crying. To stop crying or he won't say anything else. To look at him. And then, to not worry about it. WTF - I don't like Clare, but I would be doing/thinking the same thing! He was just as frolicky in the water as she was, and we didn't hear him complaining when she was wrapped around him like an octopus. But NOW he wants to take it back? And she's not supposed to worry about it?? Ohhhh JP. Clare tries to pull herself together, blaming her tears on allergies, and JP resumes with the rose ceremony.

Danielle, Alli and dog lover Kelly are given the boot, and although they have had a combined screen time of about 10 minutes all season, JP starts to weep. What is WITH this guy. No bueno.

Next week: off to New Zealand and the girls start pulling themselves out of the competition voluntarily. YAY

Best things about the Puppy Bowl

The tailgaters:

 

 

And the hamsters driving the blimp:

God I love this program.

#doingitfortheenvironment

It takes an incredible amount of time for a single person (who doesn't cook, mind you) to fill up the dishwasher. I guess I can say I'm doing my part to conserve water. Sure.