Bachelor recap: A panda in a sea of brown bears

El Bachelor and his senoritas head to Vietnam, and single mom Renee gets the first one-on-one date. She wants a kiss real bad, but JP is afraid her 8-year-old son will kick his ass and assume he's going to get a stepdad. Buzzkill. No kiss (yet), but she does snag the rose.

The group date includes everyone but Nikki, and Andi is pissed to be with all the other girls. They pair up for a boat ride, but poor Clare doesn't have any friends and - clever girl - gets paired with JP instead. They get stuck in some reeds and decide to make out in plain view of the other girls. No bueno, JP. After working in the rice fields, Clare gets the first alone time with him, further annoying all of the ladies. Andi learns how to say "give me a little kiss" en espanol (and gets one, I might add), and Clare of course gets the rose.

Clare pays JP a late night visit, asking him to join her in the ocean. He of course obliges and they frolic and smooch in, according to Clare, "virtual bliss." Alrighty.

Nikki's one-one-date of course involves an element of danger - rapelling down a cave. And she is of course afraid of heights. This show pretty much writes itself at this point. Nikki later opens up about wanting kids (and stepkids) and JP gives her the rose.

And then things get weird. At the rose ceremony, JP finally kisses a jubilant Renee. He then pulls Clare aside and tells her he regrets the blissful dip in the ocean, because his daughter will see the show and think bad things about both of them. Um, ouch. She starts crying, and the JP I don't like emerges. He tells her to stop crying. To stop crying or he won't say anything else. To look at him. And then, to not worry about it. WTF - I don't like Clare, but I would be doing/thinking the same thing! He was just as frolicky in the water as she was, and we didn't hear him complaining when she was wrapped around him like an octopus. But NOW he wants to take it back? And she's not supposed to worry about it?? Ohhhh JP. Clare tries to pull herself together, blaming her tears on allergies, and JP resumes with the rose ceremony.

Danielle, Alli and dog lover Kelly are given the boot, and although they have had a combined screen time of about 10 minutes all season, JP starts to weep. What is WITH this guy. No bueno.

Next week: off to New Zealand and the girls start pulling themselves out of the competition voluntarily. YAY