Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Bachelor recap: Holy cow, we have a winner. And the show jumps the shark.

Three hours of Bachelor-related programming last night. Lucky for you, I will provide a brief synopsis so you can get back to your normal lives.

It's time for Chris to make his final decision - Becca or Whitney? Prepare for lots of plaid and puffy vests (on men AND women), folks - because we're back in Iowa! Whitney has the first date, and comes over to meet the Soules clan. Where she does most of the talking. Seriously - her toast was like a soliloquy. (In fact, I found that much of the episode involved Whitney talking, but maybe that's just me.) She even teared up a bit and had to cut herself off. Sheesh. We get it. You're in love and want to call his parents "mom" and "dad." But overconfidence can be unattractive. While Whitney is off sweet-talking his sisters, explaining how ready she is to move to Arlington and have babies, Chris tells his parents how much he likes...Becca. I found this odd - shouldn't he be thinking about the woman in the next room? Whitney wins over his family, but not sure she has won over Prince Farming.

Brother-in-law Jason is the voice of reason (in plaid and a puffy vest, of course), and explains that Becca seems like the girl guys want, since she's more close-to-the-(puffy)vest, while Whitney is the girl guys need, since she's more open about her feelings. Oh, Jason. So wise.

Becca arrives with big shoes to follow, and although she starts out fairly strong, starts to lose ground when she tells his sisters she's not ready to move to Iowa and she's not sure she's in love. The Soules clan feels she is a risky pick, but Chris still wants to see if he can win her over. Later on in their hotel, he interrogates her: why don't you love me? what steps do you need to take to get there? All she can do is shrug and say "I don't know" over and over again. Not a great sign, bud.

Chris perks up for a tractor date with Whitney, who gets more excited about being on the farm than anyone ever has in the history of time. Chris' adorable dad joins in the fun, and when she gets to head over to Casa de Soules, she admits she feels completely secure in their relationship.

It's game day, and the ladies don the first long-sleeved long gowns in the history of the show to head to an adorably decorated (and surprisingly romantic) barn, where Chris will either dump them or propose to them with a lovely Neil Lane ring. (I couldn't help picturing Neil Lane going "you guys want me to fly WHERE?!") Chris tells Becca that she's not really ready and he isn't the guy to take her virginity give her what she needs. Becca doesn't even bat an eye or cry a tear. In fact, Chris looks so much more upset than she does, it seemed like she was the one who did the dumping. And in the exit limo, she was completely calm and collected - perhaps a little relieved? (As Jimmy Kimmel later put it, she just wasn't that into him. #sotrue)

And now it's Whitney's turn. She of course does most of the talking - do you want to get engaged or not, woman? Shut it! - and after a few "holy cows" and typical Chris Soules mumbles, he gets down on one knee and she says yes. They have a cute makeout sesh sitting on top of the barn, when Chris' parents arrive and are equally thrilled about their new "daughter." Aw.

At the After the Rose/extra hour of nonsense, Becca again feels nothing and Whitney almost bares her ass. She and Chris can finally be out in the open and show it by smooching a lot. She oddly admits that she hasn't watched one episode of the show, so we wonder how much denial she's really in, and I also wonder if she has packed up and moved to Arlington yet (soon to be population of 401!). Chris Harrison once again asks Ashley S to be on Bachelor in Paradise, and she sort of agrees this time. Maybe Chris H likes Ashley S. He IS single after all...#nextseason #noseriously

But the weirdest part of the evening came at the very end, with the announcement of not one, but TWO bachelorettes! That's right folks - both Britt and Kaitlyn are the lucky ladies, and the 25 guys will get to decide on night one which girl they prefer. (Clearly it will be Britt, but whatever. Good luck with the suspense, ABC.) Kaitlyn admits that this scenario isn't ideal (ya think?!), but what are you going to do. I forgot that they did something similar with Byron's season of the Bachelor over 10 years ago, so maybe it's time to bump up the ratings and try again. #threesome

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