Bachelor recap: The Women Tell All. Crazy is as crazy does.

Ah, the infamous Women Tell All episode. What we learned, in a nutshell:

Make sure and get super drunk when throwing a Bachelor-watching party, because you never know when Chris and Chris will surprise you and show up. (Hint: drinking games help, particularly if you drink every time Soules makes out with someone and you can then blame your drunkenness on him.) Bonus points if you run up and smooch the Bachelor.

Wear waterproof mascara when you're one of the cast-outs looking for redemption/apologies/America's sympathy. I'm talking to you, Britt/Carly/Jade. (Surprising to all, Ashley I didn't cry. For maybe the first time ever.)

Britt was the first called to the hot seat, and looked stunning as always in a little gold dress and her signature red lip. She went for the jugular right away, calling out Carly for not being her friend. Newsflash: this show is not the Golden Girls. It's not sho friends, it's sho business. And honestly, although Britt looked super apologetic and said she was in love with Chris and felt she would still be there if not for Carly's back-stabbing, I couldn't help but feel like the whole thing was an audition to be the next Bachelorette and was nothing but an act. (See her reaction to going in a hot air balloon versus actually being in a hot air balloon on the show. Girl can act.) She decided Carly was just jealous - how very mean girls. Carly defended herself to the teeth, but still came across as kind of the villain in this scenario. Whether well-deserved or not.

Up next, Kelsey. Still lobbing the big words (amassed! misrepresented!), she is calm and collected as a robot, although does let a few tears slip (and snags Chris Harrison's pocket square, which I hope she puts up for sale on ebay). She apologizes to the girls, but they aren't having it. Juelia, the fellow widow, calls Kelsey out for being the most calculated person she's ever known, and accuses Kelsey of using her "amazing story" to win a pity rose. Ouch. Kelsey then has to explain what she meant by "amazing story," and claims to be ready for love once again. Look out, people.

Ashley S brings Chris Harrison an onion on stage - his best (and only) gift ever. Aw. (and ew) And god bless her, she remains as looney tunes as ever. A few empty stares, a complete dismissal of Chris asking her to be on Bachelor in Paradise (please god), and ended with "it's so weird that we're on TV." Mmmm-kay. Stay crazy, Ash.

Jade is up next, and is clearly still upset by the way she was let go. Can't really say I blame her - Chris (or more accurately his ghost writer) wrote in a People Magazine blog that he found it disturbing how she seemed so quiet and shy and her family said she was a "wild mustang." And he said he felt very awkward looking at her Playboy pictures/videos. Um, no shit sherlock. It IS awkward. Jade looks forward to addressing these concerns with him later on. Good luck sir.

Finally, it's Kaitlyn's turn, and she's rocking the crop top/pencil skirt like nobody's business. She says she still thinks about getting kicked off in Bali every single day, and wants an explanation, dammit. She opened up to him, he opened up to her (probably sexually, who are we kidding), and then he dumped her. Men. Am I right ladies??

Chris Soules takes the hot seat, and he looks sweaty so I guess the seat really WAS hot. Britt hops up on stage with him to give him an uncomfortably long hug, and once again blames Carly for everything bad that has happened. Chris finally speaks some sense, saying he would never end a relationship based on something he heard from someone else, so there were other things that bothered him (perhaps her lack of showering, which sadly wasn't discussed last night). Kaitlyn tries to get closure and asks why he made her sit through a rose ceremony just to get dumped. As usual, Chris has little to say for himself (so boring. seriously.) and we move on to Jade, who also rushes the stage to confront Chris about her dumping. He continues to sweat and decides the wrong words were used in the blog, but that's about it. Thanks, man.

The bloopers aren't that funny, except the montage of Chris laughing like a dolphin. It is seriously the most annoying laugh ever. And the unfortunate shot of a girl (Kaitlyn?) photobombing Chris' interview only to hear him say "You just walked through my fart." Your Prince Farming, ladies and gentlemen!

We end with Chris Harrison plugging his book and I wonder if that was the whole point of the show. Personally I would rather get through the lull between the Bachelor and the Bachelorette with Bachelor Pad, but that's just me.