Bachelor recap: Welcome to Janu-Arie

Well, we're back. I forced my brother to watch the first episode last night, and he literally could not face the TV. His face had a pained look on it the entire time (particularly when he learned it was a two-hour show), and he couldn't believe what was coming out of these women's mouths. You and me both, bro.

Here are some brief thoughts:

Arie has gone gray (salt and pepper, but who's counting). He looks good, actually - looks like a guy who might actually be there for the right reasons (doubtful). And is now into real estate, not just race car driving. #evolving

But now for the most important stuff: meeting the ladies!

Ali: From Dallas, embarrassingly asked him to smell her to see if that was the best "pit stop" ever.  No rose. No surprise.

Amber: As an opening line, tells Arie she owns a spray tanning company (obvi) and has therefore seen a lot of BLEEPS and hopes he's not one. Now she could have said assholes or dicks - either way, no rose.

Annaliese: came dressed in a mask as the "kissing bandit" (Arie's nickname from Emily's season). He thinks she's a bit more normal once she removes the mask. Rose.

Ashley: carried a checkered flag; little screen time until getting a rose.

Becca: had Arie kneel down to propose, and then showed him letters her mother wrote for her to read while she was in the mansion. Rose.

Bekah: cute brunette with the shortest hair ever seen on a Bachelor season. Works as a nanny and pulls up in a cherry red Mustang, because she may be young, but can appreciate a classic. She repeats this line several times. Arie is intrigued, as am I - no age is listed for young (?) Bekah.

Bibiana: seems to represent "one of these kids is doing her own thing" but gets a rose.

Bri: sports reporter who threw a softball at Arie's face. No rose.

Brittane: can't put bumper stickers on a Ferrari, but how about on Arie?? And yes she puts a sticker on his bum. No rose.

Brittany T: scores the first kiss on a technicality by procuring two tiny cars to race Arie in. Rose.

Caroline: made $5M in real estate last year, as she is proud to tell us. She wants to take Arie off the market. (Get it??) Rose.

Chelsea: the "bad girl" so far, she's also a single mom (but has yet to tell Arie).She steals him away first, and then someone hints that maybe he has forgotten about her so she steals him again, makes out with him and snags the first impression rose.

Jacqueline: tells Arie to stand there and look pretty, and later asks why he came back. Touche. Rose.

Jenna: awkward moments abound with this one, from asking Arie to take off his shoes and socks so she can massage his feet to then asking if he was afraid of her. Clearly he was, for he gave her a rose.

Jenny: sketch artist who gives Arie a drawing - of himself (though it looks a bit like James Dean). Rose.

Jessica: TV host in a bright orange dress with ruffles. No rose.

Kendall: weirdo taxidermy-loving ukulele player who literally sings a song to a dead seal. Yet somehow, rose.

Krystal: online fitness coach who has an eerie smile plastered on the whole time. Methinks she's not as happy as she projects. Rose.

The Laurens: there are 4 Laurens. I doubt Arie can tell them apart, and frankly neither can I. Three out of four get roses. There you go.

Maquel: (interesting taVake on Raquel, no?) photographer who arrives on a motorcycle and does the slo-mo hair shake when removing her helmet. Rose.

Marikh: a wannabe Kardashian restaurant owner. Rose.

Nyesha: went sky diving for her 30th. No rose.

Olivia: ??? No rose.

Seinne: gave Arie elephant cufflinks. Alrighty. Rose.

Tia:  friends with Raven, from the bustling metropolis  of Weiner, Arkansas. She got out of the limo and gave Arie a "little weiner," something she "hoped he didn't have."  I'm not sure if Arie got the joke or not, but he didn't seem to. Rose.

Valerie: bright yellow dress, a la Belle in Beauty and the Beast. Rose.

Let the fun begin!