Bachelor in Paradise recap: The end is near. Actually, the end is here!

That's right - last night was the finale of BIP. And after twice weekly airings, plus the After Paradise talk show, the end couldn't come soon enough. Here's my short and sweet synopsis:

Many paradise-goers were sent home alone: Mikey (after rejecting Juelia and then getting rejected by Mackenzie). (Juelia.) (Mackenzie.) Dan. Ashley S. Jared (after rejecting Ashley I and most likely refusing to take her v-card). (Ashley I.) Amber. Chelsie. Jaclyn (after getting rejected by Justin in favor of the last temptress to arrive, Cassandra).

The remaining "couples" will get a one-on-one date and a night in the fantasy suite! Everyone is pumped but Kirk, who looks like someone killed his dog. Clearly he's not feeling it and he knows he has to break the news to Carly. She does NOT take it well. Runs off, won't let him explain, calls him a liar and bursts into tears. He seems pretty shell-shocked about the whole thing, telling the guys it's the worst break-up he's ever experienced. More than that, Kirk, it's the Most Dramatic Break-up in Bachelor History!

Their breakup causes some tension with everyone left in the house. Tanner puts Jade's fears to rest and they exchange "I love you's." Cassandra refuses to share the fantasy suite with Justin because she's a mom. (Okay...) And Tenley tells Joshua she doesn't know if they will survive in the real world - I mean, he lives in Iowa for god's sakes! And refuses to go by "Josh!"

In the end, Tenley refuses Joshua's rose, but the other couples decide to try things out outside of Paradise:

Justin and Cassandra (NOTE: She appeared on the aftershow and is now dating fellow contestant Jonathan.)
Nick and Samantha (NOTE: Nick says she is the girl of his dreams because she's so hot. That's the ONLY reason. Yet Amber called in to the aftershow to announce that they are indeed still together. Alrighty then.)
Tanner and Jade (NOTE: he did not give her his rose. But instead got down on one knee and popped the question. #engaged)

And there you have it. Another successful and mind-numbing season of Bachelor in Paradise. What in the hell am I going to do with myself on Monday nights now?!