Bachelo recap: I literally Mexican't even

The Bachelor brood heads to Mexico City for a week of amor mixed with tequila. (Do the locations keep getting more random, or is it just me?) Olivia is fairly certain she will get the first date card - and is wrong. It goes instead to Amanda, but Ben first wants to have a little fun and wakes the girls up at 4:30am. Poor Lauren H is busted wearing a retainer and looking like this:

I mean, obviously. Everyone looks liks this at 4:30am. Except for Amanda, who looks like this:

Clearly homegirl got the memo - full face of makeup and hair done, ready for the date, which I assume involved sailing around in the city in a helicopter hot air balloon because their date was cut due to the Iowa caucus. Humph - real world issues.

We do get back in time to see the evening portion of their date, and although little Amanda is baring her soul about her ex-husband, all I can focus on is how many times she says "like." Which is, like, 500. Ben must not notice (although I did pick up on him saying it a few times, too - perfect match!), because he feels closer to her and gives her the rose. Like, yay!

Up next is the group date for everyone except Lauren H, which means she's getting a one-on-one date Squee! Guess the retainer didn't totally ruin things. The group goes to Spanish class, where they learn phrases like "I love you" and "Marry me" and recite them to Ben - apparently he's not allowed to tell the girls he's fallen in love with them in English, but it's okay en Espanol. Jubilee isn't buying what he's selling, though, telling him that he said the same thing to her that he said to the previous four girls. Methinks Jubilee doesn't understand how this show works. She is certainly not living up to her name. #badmoodmuch

The second part of the date involves breaking into teams of two - and Olivia quickly stakes claim on Ben, per usual - for a cooking competition. Ben loves to cook so much, you can just call him The Spatchelor! Ba dum bum. The girls must use their newfound Spanish knowledge to get the ingredients (not sure how telling someone "you're the one for me" equates to a pound of duck, but whatever). Olivia turns this into a mini one-on-one date (she's goooood), and she and Ben flirt and eat crickets and take shots. Emily mentions Olivia's bad breath again, and believes that's why Ben had them eat some mint. Ouch.

Jubilee and Lauren B win the competition, and their prize is...nada. Good times. Olivia once again steps up and steals Ben away during the evening portion, to get her "Ben smile" back, and as they make out all I can think of is her bad breath. Bummer. Ben then takes Lauren B out onto the streets, and they walk and kiss and we wonder if he will even bother coming back. Jubilee is pouting and feeling not good enough, so Ben pulls her aside to chat. She refuses to hold his hand, and it's the beginning of the end. He asks why she never seems happy to see him, and she blames something about being awkward in a group. She then asks him if he sees a future with her, and he very kindly says no before escorting her out. #ouch  But she really brought this upon herself, and acting "unlovable" can sometimes lead to not-so-great outcomes.

JoJo sees how upset Ben is by the whole Jubilee thing, and talks him down makes out with him. She thinks that should seal the group date rose, but no - it goes to stank-mouth Olivia! She kindly tells the other girls they don't have to congratulate her. Um, thanks.

Lauren H is whisked off to Mexico City Fashion Week - which I had no idea existed - and she and Ben even get to do their best Zoolander and walk in the show. (Who else thought a preview for Zoolander 2 would follow this segment?) They do pretty well, but Ben still needs to see if there is more than a friendship there. Lauren opens up about being cheated on, and how she "chooses happy," and Ben decides to "choose Lauren" and offers her the rose.

At the cocktail party pre-rose ceremony, Amanda tells the girls about her kids, and Olivia announces that it sounds like an episode of Teen Mom. When she is greeted with crickets chirping, she explains "you know, the TV show?" Yes, we know. Amanda is pissed, y'all - she was a whopping 22 when she had her first kid! Baby voice be damned, she's no teen mom. Emily (the only surviving twin) is gobsmacked, and marches over to Ben with the kiss of death: to badmouth another contestant. Ben is somewhat receptive, until Olivia realizes what's going on and interrupts. She coos and lies through her teeth, but Ben isn't convinced. He asks several other girls about what's going on in the house, and they all sing like canaries - it's Olivia's fault. Too bad she already has a rose...

But before Ben can begin the rose ceremony, he asks Olivia to step out and chat. And we are hit with a To Be Continued.

Which includes this redonk clip from next week:

Cliffhanger, indeed.