Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Bachelor recap: Start polishing that platinum vagine for Paradise, baby

It was only an hour last night, but it was chock-full of sex and sexual innuendo. Thanks, ABC. (Also, thanks for making next week THREE FREAKING HOURS. Dear lord.)

Andi appears at Nick's door for no apparent reason, except to give herself some air time. Nick mentions a few times that the last time he saw her, she dumped him. Cue awkward laughs. Nick gets how she felt, though, and doesn't want to get engaged just because he's the Bachelor and doesn't want to pick the last one standing just because she's the last one standing. Um, that's the point of the show, but whatevs.

We head to the rose ceremony, and finally Corinne is sent home. She bursts into tears, then falls fast asleep. I have no doubt we have not seen the last of her or her nanny Raquel - see Bachelor in Paradise.

The final three ladies head to "romantic Finland!" Okaaaaay. Not the first place I think of when I think romance, but the reindeer are cool and the snow is pretty and DAMN are those the Northern Lights?? Sold. Raven gets the one-on-one date, and she makes sure to tell Nick that she loves him. And tries to convince him pants don't need pleats. Over dinner, she accepts the fantasy suite card, but informs Nick (and millions of viewers, likely including her sweet deep south parents) that not only has she only had sex with one other person, but she has never had an orgasm.

GAME ON. Nick jumps from the table so quickly I can't believe he didn't spill his drink, and they trudge through the snow to make passionate love spend a quiet evening alone yet fully dressed.

TO BE CONTINUED

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