At least there weren't any zombies

We did an escape room teambuilding event yesterday at work. We were split into three groups and had 45 minutes to "escape." Two of the groups (including mine) were assigned to the "Lost Worlds" experience, which was very Indiana Jones-esque. The other group had "Encounter" where they were abducted by aliens. They were the only group that escaped. Which leads me to believe that obviously ours was harder, ha. Hell - we asked for all the clues we could get, and STILL couldn't figure it out. I wonder who sits around and comes up with this stuff. Probably while smoking weed. Still...fun.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Make Paradise Corinne again

My mistake - the eagle has not landed. Canadaniel is no longer an eagle - he's a wolf. Pardon me. So the WOLF has landed with an hour to give away his rose, and he's not thrilled that he only has the "leftovers" to choose from. As he put it, the only girls left are the ones with a 5 o'clock shadow and hair extensions falling out. And he said this to Lacey's FACE. And she still wanted to go out with him. Sigh. He "interviews" Christen and Jasmine (the other leftovers) but decides to give his rose to Lacey.

Most roses are obvious, but Adam gives his to Raven and Dean gives his to Kristina. To her dismay, Ben Z saves D-Lo so Dean can still have his cake and eat it too. Matt returns to give his rose (but not himself) to Jasmine, who has perfected Resting Beach Face. Thus, Sarah and Dolphin Girl (aka Alexis) have to say adios.

Some crazy frat bros lucha libre dudes come screaming through paradise the next morning, hinting at a date card that Canadaniel gets. He invites Lacey to a romantic day of Mexican wrestling, because why not. Jack Stone was hoping to bond with Christen, but she gets asked out by the tickle monster, who is actually a doctor! (Bless his heart.) Their date involves feeding each other with tiny hands, and I guess the jokes about shrimp and scallop fingers will just never go away. Sigh. They smooch but she later tells Jack Stone she's not sure there were fireworks.

Back at the homestead, Dean gets closer and closer with D-Lo, telling her she's the kind of girl he could fall in love with. Meanwhile, Kristina is done. Nyet. Not happening.

Cut to another lame live show, though clearly taped on the same night as last week because Jasmine is in the same outfit. We learn that Wells and Danielle did go on a date years ago but nothing ever came of it...but that kiss was GOOD. Raven explains about the near threesome between herself, Sarah and Adam back in Dallas, and Jasmine is able to confront Matt on leaving her in Mexico. Booooring. Also boring? Corinne's interview. Basically she was on meds and mixed them with a ton of booze, leaving her unable to make good decisions or remember what happened. (aka college) She says DeMario did nothing wrong - except talk to the media - and she is sorry for what happened. Not sure why no one asked her why she called herself a "victim" if nothing happened, but I just don't care enough to care. I would have also liked to hear about Raquel, but that's neither here nor there.

On to the next!

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Brought to you by scallops

I think the moral of the story is: don't mess with Jazz. (Jasmine, self-proclaimed Queen of Paradise, not the form of music.)

The recipient of Jazz's wrath? Virgin Christen. Who, although still maintaining her virgin status, does arrive in Paradise with a new set of boobs. Atta girl. She takes stock of available dudes, is warned NOT to go after Matt by Jasmine herself, and decides to ask him out anyway. Ohhhh snap. Jasmine downs several tequila and sodas and, after announcing to the camera crew that she's "giving good TV," barges in on Christen while she is brushing her teeth. I guess poor C has to just swallow the toothpaste as she defends her actions and blames Matt, who specifically came to her and said he was NOT tied down and would like to go out on a date. Jazz laughs this off and proceeds to keep drinking and swapping out bandanas.

Christen and Matt have a good date - drinking, snacking and shopping for bikinis (for her, thank god). She goes for the kiss while swimming in the ocean, which Wells correctly predicts will lead to an atomic bomb going off. That bomb? Jasmine. Wells also has several confessionals with a cheerleader puppet who represents Christen. Not sure if he brought this puppet with him? If he's auditioning for the Muppets after he returns? Or what is happening. But I did find it amusing.

Back in paradise, we learn from Alexis that Christen's nickname is "Scallop Fingers" because she once got her scallops to go, at them in the car and then proceeded to touch Alexis' shoulder with the same scallop fingers. (The horror!) But the story gets around and even becomes her moniker (see below her name):

Upon their return from the date, Jasmine pounces on her man and makes out with him right in front of Christen. (Take THAT, virgin!) Christen shrugs and grabs some shrimp in her hands, and hugs Amanda with what are now SHRIMP FINGERS. Oh the humanity. (Also this is what I am telling myself since I can't believe I am watching this show and this is the topic of conversation.)

Robbie keeps trying to make fetch happen out with Amanda, but she keeps rejecting him and making him kiss her on the head. Or on the cheek. Or on the neck. She finally relents and they have a nice makeout sesh. On the lips. Way to go, Ken doll!

Derek and Taylor are also having some highs and lows. He says "f*&# you" after she tells him she's worried he reacts to arguments by running away. He claims he's being sarcastic, but it's a trigger for past abusive relationships and she is done. Her emotional piggy bank is full, guys. (And yes, that's a direct quote.) But they take a beat, he apologizes and she forgives. All good in paradise, peeps.

Not so good for everyone, though. Matt tells Christen she probably won't be getting his rose, but instead of promising it to Jazz he leaves, citing technical difficulties they are too different. Jasmine is like "duh," but the tears flow and she wants to cut a bitch. More tears from Lacey when Diggy tells her he'll be giving his rose to Dominique. She tells him she's disappointed in him. Because THAT will make him change his mind... #sarcasm

Finally, Adam deals with HIS love triangle - sort of - by telling Raven he wants to get to know her better and he likes that she challenges him. Sarah interrupts and gives him the hard sell, and he tells her he likes her transparency. Because a girl can't hear that enough. Dean is also stuck between a rock and a hard place and tries to juggle Kristina and D-Lo. He makes Kristina feel better by saying he puts her feelings above his own, but can't officially get rid of Danielle either. Hmm.

But instead of a Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony ever, Canadaniel appears! The eagle has landed. Until next time...

I pity the fool

My mom woke up this morning and I noticed that she slept in the gold bracelet she had on all day yesterday.

Me: "Wow, sleeping in your jewelry - fancy!"
Her: "I couldn't get it off."
Me: "Sounds about right."

Vile? Viall? Either way.

In the Everyone Saw This Coming category, Nick Viall and Vanessa have broken up. (For those playing along at home, this is the previous Bachelor and his final rose recipient.) They haven't looked happy together - well, ever - maybe it's Raven's chance for redemption?? Or Nick can go back to Paradise for a record fourth time. Sigh.

All neon all the time

Tonight marks the final concert of my #80ssummer concert series. We will be closing out with some hits by Berlin, Spandeau Ballet, Bananarama, Wang Chung and more.

I feel like I've basically seen as many acts this summer as I would if I could ever go on the 80s cruise, and for a lot less money (and a lot less tan). But still - this remains a bucket list item. Perhaps for my 41st bday??

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Bandanas in Paradise

Sorry, but I haven't seen this many bandanas on girls since the late 1980s. What gives??

Sarah arrives and apparently ALSO hung out with Adam and Raven in Dallas over the break. What the hell kind of wild orgy happened that week? And why does everyone already know each other?? So she invites Adam on her date, although all the other girls try to push Ben Z on her, and they have a smashing time, complete with smooches. This makes Raven nervous, since the guys have the power this week.

Lacey whines her way into a date card, and then whines that she doesn't really like anyone. But she made out with Diggy before, and the girls need the guys' roses, so she invites him to the "most romantic place in Mexico." Which turns out to be the first stop on Jorge's Tour-ges, as they all three (!) ride horses on the beach. Yay, Jorge! Lacey is all smiles after the date, but the smile turns to eye-liner tears when Dominique and her braids arrive on the island.

Dom is interested in Diggy, and Taylor encourages this love-fest, much to Lacey's chagrin. Sure enough, they go out and have a hot and heavy time in the hot tub. Taylor tries to apologize to Lacey, but it's pretty low in emotional intelligence if you ask me.

Danielle M has not found love, and has a job offer to go help children in Africa. So she decides to leave paradise, just as bartender Wells realizes his feelings for her. He gives her a romantic smooch as she gets into the exit limo, and I have high hopes for these two.

The rest of the episode was a weird live show which once again talked about the Corinne-DeMario situation. And the Carly-Evan baby situation. Both of which I'm kind of tired of hearing about. But then DeMario came out and did such a good job, keeping his sense of humor and refusing to bad mouth Corinne or take the race card bait. Next week with Corinne should be interesting...

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Deanie's a weenie

One more thing I can blame Trump for: interrupting Paradise. #un-American

But I will try to focus on the task at hand - the recap. The girls are hungry for fresh meat, and who should arrive but Adam (and creepy Adam Jr., of course). He dives right in and asks Raven on a date, much to the chagrin of Ben Z (who keeps bringing up his dog, bless his heart), and to a lesser extent Robbie. They have a good date - apparently they met up in Dallas during the "break" (??) - and Raven is torn between a doll and a hard place on who to give her rose to.

Robbie bounces back with Amanda, but knows it's delicate territory since he's friends with her ex-fiancé Josh. (Of course he is.) He asks for a kiss, and Amanda says no thanks. Hmmm.

Dean and Kristina have a chat, and he wants to slow things down a bit - but wants her rose because he wants to keep getting to know her! Sure he does. The bloom is off the rose for me with this guy.

After five long hours of television, we finally have the first rose ceremony. Vinnie (in an unfortunate rose shirt), little Alex, Iggy (too many bromances, too few romances) and Nick (Santa Claus) did not get roses and head home in the exit suburbans. Shout out to Vinnie struggling with his seat belt. Bless.

But the storms aren't over - next to arrive is Danielle L (aka "D-Lo"), who prances around in a low-cut number and has every guy drooling. She wavers between Ben Z and Dean, but decides to ask Dean on a date. To Kristina's horror, he accepts. Again - kind of getting a d-bag vibe from this guy. They went on their ATV date and shared a kiss - which Dean later admitted to Kristina. But what really set her off was Dean presenting a piece of cake to Danielle in front of everyone for her half-birthday. D-bag, meet D-Lo. #perfectmatch

Have you SEEN me??

Is pregnancy attractive to guys? Because I'm getting some weird vibes lately. In Santa Barbara, I was walking down the street and a guy whistled at me. I literally turned around and asked, "me??" Because, duh. And after posting a "bump" photo on Friday, a guy who I have never met but we matched on a dating app a few years ago and randomly became FB friends started messaging me "hey sexy pregnant lady" etc. Plus a couple of guys I dated long ago came out of the woodwork and were like "we could have helped you have a baby for a lot less money and a lot more fun..."

SERIOUSLY?? Where have you dudes been the last 5 years?

Whatever. I do NOT feel cute so just find all of this hilarious, frankly.

YASSSS Tina

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/tina-fey-sheet-caking_us_599675d0e4b0e8cc855cce85

Bring on the damn sheet cake.

Turn around, bright eyes

We're having an Eclipse Watching Party at work on Monday, so I went on Amazon and bought a bunch of safety glasses. (Yes, I double-checked that they are legit - it would not be a good PR move if I blinded the entire company.) They look like the crappy glasses you get at the eye doctor after you get your eyes dilated. But then you put them on. And it's like a total blackout. No WONDER these things are safe - you can't see anything! (We did test them with the flashlight on the iPhone - it looks super small and far away and then you take the glasses off and nearly blind yourself because it's so much brighter in real life.)

#becausescience

Note: I had no idea where to look when taking this selfie because I couldn't see a damn thing.

And now, a very special Bachelor in Paradise

I was totally reminded of the "very special" episodes of 80s sitcoms last night. And not really in a good way.

The first 45 minutes was Evan and Carly's wedding, which I mostly fast-forwarded through because who cares. Then we're back to Paradise, and Chris gathers the cast together two weeks after production is shut down. (Well - the cast minus DeMario and Corinne...) The group discusses what went down, talking about consent and race and alcohol (we learn Taylor doesn't drink) and how producers DON'T MAKE US DO ANYTHING. This part was reiterated several times (thanks, ABC lawyers!). Everyone feels bad for both parties, but they don't think any wrong-doing occurred. Would still love to see the video footage to determine this for myself, but whatevs. Back to drinking and dating and debauchery!

We learn that both Robby and Ben Z "hit up" Raven over the break, and she ghosted both of them. Atta girl. And Dean visited Kristina in Kentucky, which went well but he seems disinterested back in Paradise. Taylor and Derek are a solid couple, even getting a date card which leads Taylor to decide to sleep with him! #consent

Poor little "fun-size" Alex keeps chasing Amanda around, but she is not interested buddy. Lacey wished Canadaniel would show up (side note: he and Vinny were just on Millionaire Matchmaker, for what it's worth), and things aren't going great for Jasmine either - Matt seems to be putting on the breaks. Cue fresh meat...

Bachelor in Paradise recap: the calm before the storm

Chris Harrison welcomes us back to Mexico - but where is everybody? No cast. No crew. No Jorge behind the bar (we'll get to that in a minute). Ah yes - production was halted due to some "inappropriate behavior" between DeMario and Corinne. But somehow the reality gods looked down upon ABC, because the show continued, and we got to see the first few days BIB (Before Inappropriate Behavior). YASSSSS.

First to arrive is Raven, and she's over being Nick's runner-up and is ready to find love in a hopeless place. Hell - it worked for Jade and Tanner. And Evan and Carly. Why not Raven and (insert dude's name here)?

Next up: Dean, fresh off his break-up from Rachel. All the ladies love cool Dean and those baby blues. Sigh. (NOTE: he is all of 25. Snap out of it.)

Danielle M saunters in, looking 6 feet tall, and then comes Ben Z. who talks to Raven about all the dogs he's ever owned. Bless. Iggy arrives and is weirdly excited to see Dean - they even do the jump-straddle typically reserved for Bachelorettes. Kristina, Jasmine, Jack Stone ("not a serial killer") and Shark-Dolphin Alexis arrive next (and yes, Alexis is in costume. Really getting her money's worth out of that thing.).

DeMario comes in hot and incessantly blowing a whistle, but not everyone is thrilled to see him (i.e Raven, who flat-out asks if he's single). He tries to win her over by saying he's really there to be the wingman for the "awkward homie in the corner who doesn't know how to relate." (Um, like yourself?) Sigh.

John Krasinski look-alike Derek arrives, as does his show rival tiny Alex, plus Corinne, who is ready to make Paradise Corinne again. Great. She's also been learning Spanish, and knows the words for "nap," "cheese pasta" and "champagne." (I guess "Raquel" is "Raquel," so we're good there.)

Dean and Kristina have a quiet moment, bonding over their messed up families. And their perfect smiles.

More new arrivals: Lacey, Vinny, Diggy, Matt (in a penguin suit - cue Alexis!), Nick (in a Santa beard - cue the psychologist!) and Amanda, who arrives and returns her engagement ring she got last year in paradise from Josh. Not sure why she continues to do this to herself, but later we learn she was rejected by Raya, the "celeb" dating app. Ouch. Paradise it is!

Taylor is back, and doesn't want to talk to her archenemy Corinne. So instead she'll wear shorts that are basically underwear and bonds quickly with Derek, who proves he's a man and can build a fire.

Corinne and DeMario hit it off immediately (hmmm) and take things into the pool - Corinne still fully dressed and drunk by 4:30, according to the play-by-play commentary of Alex (who clearly has nothing else to do).

Chris Harrison gathers up the group for a sad announcement - Jorge is leaving to pursue his dream of starting Jorges Tour-ges (YES! I am on board with this idea!), and Wells will be our bartender from here on out! The women are handing out roses this week, and Kristina gets the first date card. She chooses Dean, and they hit it off over dinner and folklorico dancing.

Danielle M is bummed - she liked Dean - but while spilling her guts to her "good friend" Wells at the bar, I see a future for these two Nashville kids. Just saying.

Lacey and Iggy start to bond, but Nick gets too drunk for Jasmine so she makes out with Matt instead. (Thankfully in Paradise there are just extra make-out partners in spades.) The next morning, Lacey learns her grandfather has died, so she has to leave, leaving Iggy without hope of getting a rose. Robby arrives with an odd new hairdo - people keep touching it and talking about it, so it's clearly odd not just to me - and a date card. After briefly chatting with a few of the ladies, he asks out Raven, which bums out Ben Z. (But he DOES miss his dog, so if he has to go home there's a silver lining.) Robby thinks the date went great, but Raven isn't feeling it. She doesn't want to go out with a guy with better hair/teeth/abs/Instagram followers than her - she even made a secret drinking game for every time he touched his hair. I still believe he may be gay, and this kind of cements it for me.

Matt gets the next date card and asks out Jasmine. They go to a drag club, and Matt agrees to be drag-ified into "Virginia." Jasmine loves it.

It's do or die time before the rose ceremony, so Ben Z decides to make one more play for Raven, and luckily he's a better kisser than Robby! Taylor and Derek are also smooching, and Danielle M and Jack Stone seem to be getting along...

But then the shit hits the fan, with cameramen ordered to stop filming as producers grab Corinne and DeMario. TO BE FREAKING CONTINUED

See? Addictive.

My mom claims to hate reality TV - in fact, she makes a point to mutter disapproving remarks when I watch any and all Real Housewives programs. But this weekend she came into my room while I was watching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, and stayed for two full episodes. Even calling out candidates by name ("Ooh, that's Brianna!"). She is so busted. Up next: Bachelor in Paradise.

Do the right thing, ABC

Ladies, if you're not following The Bachelorette's Peter Kraus on Instagram, here is what you're missing:

You're welcome.

Suddenly in the mood for chicken.

Why do I love this so much.

California love (shout-out, Tupac)

Santa Barbara is so beautiful - mountains, beach and like 80 and sunny every day. I even saw a bunch of homeless people and totally got it - if you have to be homeless, what better place than Santa Barbara?? The hotel was right on the beach, so I got nice and sunburned (damn you California weather - when I don't sweat I don't feel like I'm burning!) - and I even rented a bike (and helmet, mom) and pedaled into town for fro-yo and shopping. And it was great seeing one of my besties from high school as well - we ate some fabulous food and enjoyed catching up face-to-face for once. Probably my last trip for a while, so I tried to enjoy the calm (and gluten free toast) as much as I could.

Bachelorette recap: Bad idea jeans

Oh, Rachel. Silly, silly Rachel. You picked style over substance, diamonds over destiny - but congrats I guess? That's right, folks - another season is over and another Bachelorette couple is doomed engaged. She was clearly in love with Peter (#teamgaptooth), but wanted to be engaged so badly that she let him walk away - even after he told her he would propose. ("But I want you to WANT to propose!" #eyeroll #eyeroll #eyeroll)

The after the final rose was very tense - clearly there are still feelings there - and I found it interesting that Rachel said several times how the Bachelor scene just wasn't right for Peter. Is she trying to convince producers NOT to pick him?? (don't listen to her, producers!)

So we're left with Bryan. Ol' "red flags" Bryan who the guys warned her about, her family warned her about, and Bryan's ex girlfriend basically warned her about (his mother is a DOOZY y'all). He's 37 and single in Miami. Methinks there's a reason for that. Ohhhhhh, Rachel.

Here's to sweet Pete being the next Bachelor, and here's to Eric for having the most upstanding break-up I've seen in a long time.

Going back to Cali

Headed to Santa Barbara tomorrow for a long weekend (so no blogs until Tuesday). I've never been there, and I've heard awesome things so I'm excited. I guess it's a "babymoon," although does it qualify as a babymoon if you're single? Meh.

Going to the spa, the beach, the pool, renting a bike to peddle into town, etc. And my friend from high school who lives in LA is going to come down for one night and play. Yay!

I'll take Justin Bobby any day

Watched Siesta Key, the new reality show on MTV that follows a group of 22-year-olds in Florida. I assume it's supposed to be the new Laguna Beach/The Hills. It is not. (Note: this could be because I am practically twice these people's age, so roll my eyes instead of feeling like Lo and I could be friends 13 years ago. Which would never have happened, but you catch my drift.)

But I do applaud MTV for trying. First bringing back "reality" shows, then TRL - what's next? Music videos???

Bachelorette recap: The Men Tell All. Or not much.

You know it's going to be kind of a snooze-fest when the first ten minutes are "most memorable moments" from PREVIOUS Men Tell Alls. Oh goodie. (Did make me realize that I've forgotten about most of these people, however.)

Otherwise, I can sum up last night's two hours thusly:

• Whaboom showed up in - what else - a Whaboom tank top. I enjoyed when one of the guys called him a joke. #truthhurts
• DeMario claimed not to know the woman proclaiming to be his girlfriend, then backtracked to call her a "side-piece." Nice. He even tried to use the Bill Clinton defense. Not sure that works, man.
• Kenny and Lee. This went on for MUCH longer than it needed to. Kenny harbors no ill will - and his daughter gets to go to Disneyland! Lee admits he made mistakes and lied. Then they bring up his old misogynistic and racist tweets. He says he is sorry, but the guys aren't buying it. If he was so sorry, why wait a year to apologize?? (Also, he keeps claiming the comparing of the NAACP to the KKK was "cut off" and only "half the joke." Dare you enlighten us with the second half?? Once Rachel comes out, she tells him off but good. Methinks Lee is done for. No Paradise for you, bub.
• Dean is a crowd favorite (and DOES get to go to Paradise). He asks Rachel why she would tell him she's falling in love with him, just to send him home. She swears her feelings were real. Probably doesn't make him feel much better, but props to Dean and Alex for their wild tux jackets.
• Rachel addresses Adam and Matt, the two guys who got no screen time but made it quite far - she says America didn't get to see their relationships. Intriguing. (And where was Adam Jr.??)
• Finally, bloopers. Which Chris Harrison makes it seem like people LOVE. Not sure that's true, but I did enjoy seeing the tickle monster again.

Next week, this season comes to a (dramatic) close at last. #teamgaptooth