Bachelor in Paradise recap: Brought to you by scallops

I think the moral of the story is: don't mess with Jazz. (Jasmine, self-proclaimed Queen of Paradise, not the form of music.)

The recipient of Jazz's wrath? Virgin Christen. Who, although still maintaining her virgin status, does arrive in Paradise with a new set of boobs. Atta girl. She takes stock of available dudes, is warned NOT to go after Matt by Jasmine herself, and decides to ask him out anyway. Ohhhh snap. Jasmine downs several tequila and sodas and, after announcing to the camera crew that she's "giving good TV," barges in on Christen while she is brushing her teeth. I guess poor C has to just swallow the toothpaste as she defends her actions and blames Matt, who specifically came to her and said he was NOT tied down and would like to go out on a date. Jazz laughs this off and proceeds to keep drinking and swapping out bandanas.

Christen and Matt have a good date - drinking, snacking and shopping for bikinis (for her, thank god). She goes for the kiss while swimming in the ocean, which Wells correctly predicts will lead to an atomic bomb going off. That bomb? Jasmine. Wells also has several confessionals with a cheerleader puppet who represents Christen. Not sure if he brought this puppet with him? If he's auditioning for the Muppets after he returns? Or what is happening. But I did find it amusing.

Back in paradise, we learn from Alexis that Christen's nickname is "Scallop Fingers" because she once got her scallops to go, at them in the car and then proceeded to touch Alexis' shoulder with the same scallop fingers. (The horror!) But the story gets around and even becomes her moniker (see below her name):

Upon their return from the date, Jasmine pounces on her man and makes out with him right in front of Christen. (Take THAT, virgin!) Christen shrugs and grabs some shrimp in her hands, and hugs Amanda with what are now SHRIMP FINGERS. Oh the humanity. (Also this is what I am telling myself since I can't believe I am watching this show and this is the topic of conversation.)

Robbie keeps trying to make fetch happen out with Amanda, but she keeps rejecting him and making him kiss her on the head. Or on the cheek. Or on the neck. She finally relents and they have a nice makeout sesh. On the lips. Way to go, Ken doll!

Derek and Taylor are also having some highs and lows. He says "f*&# you" after she tells him she's worried he reacts to arguments by running away. He claims he's being sarcastic, but it's a trigger for past abusive relationships and she is done. Her emotional piggy bank is full, guys. (And yes, that's a direct quote.) But they take a beat, he apologizes and she forgives. All good in paradise, peeps.

Not so good for everyone, though. Matt tells Christen she probably won't be getting his rose, but instead of promising it to Jazz he leaves, citing technical difficulties they are too different. Jasmine is like "duh," but the tears flow and she wants to cut a bitch. More tears from Lacey when Diggy tells her he'll be giving his rose to Dominique. She tells him she's disappointed in him. Because THAT will make him change his mind... #sarcasm

Finally, Adam deals with HIS love triangle - sort of - by telling Raven he wants to get to know her better and he likes that she challenges him. Sarah interrupts and gives him the hard sell, and he tells her he likes her transparency. Because a girl can't hear that enough. Dean is also stuck between a rock and a hard place and tries to juggle Kristina and D-Lo. He makes Kristina feel better by saying he puts her feelings above his own, but can't officially get rid of Danielle either. Hmm.

But instead of a Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony ever, Canadaniel appears! The eagle has landed. Until next time...