Bachelorette recap - aka I Did Not See That Coming

Wow - although I'm happy with the ending, I was very surprised. I admit I read the spoilers long ago, so kept expecting Brooks to pop out of a limo, a helicopter, a bush - but as the minutes ticked by, I realized it wasn't going to happen (yay). To recap the three hours I won't get back:

After Brooks leaves, Des is distraught, wants to go home. But she decides to pull herself together, pull on another tummy-bearing top, disregard her sunburn and suck it up to try to form some sort of last-minute relationship with one of two guys who both plan on proposing in the next 48 hours. (Sounds plausible, I know.)

But seeing her face drop when Drew shows up for his horseback riding date, you knew the end was near. And it was - she told him it was time to go. Poor sweet (gay) Drew was blindsided and heartbroken, and rode off into the sunset (alone).

I'm expecting her to do the same thing with Chris, who awkwardly says "Welcome!" when they meet up (oof), but Des gives it the ol' college try, and while drinking what appears to be fruit punch on a catamaran, she decides Chris isn't so bad after all. She tells him he's the best man she's ever met and it's time to meet the parents! And her freakishly sunburned brother! (Could an intern get these kids some sunscreen?!)

Thank goodness her brother is semi-normal this time (although he DOES ask a ton of probing questions), and Chris asks Des's father for her hand. Aw. He meets Neil Lane, picks out a ring, and I'm still expecting the worst. It doesn't help that we keep cutting back to a live audience and/or seeing the entire fall lineup for ABC programming. (How bad does that show with Rebel Wilson look?)

But it's finally proposal time, and poor Chris starts to get down on one knee but Des stops him. Oh no oh no oh no. She tells him she was in love with Brooks (awesome timing, lady), and she was blindsided by her feelings. Chris sees where this is going. But wait! She was blindsided...and didn't realize what was right in front of her! She loves Chris too! See how quickly women can change their minds? Jesus. If I were Chris, I would have been like "um, yeah right, see ya" but clearly the ring is burning a hole in his pocket because he kneels down, proposes and she says yes. Sure. And only two days ago, she was in love with someone else. I give this relationship two weeks.

Time for the After the Rose special - and after awkward encounters with Brooks and Drew, Des and Chris announce that somehow they are still engaged, and moving in together this weekend! Oh lord. And Chris, being Chris, gives her a giant framed poem. It's almost too much to take. Thank god they announce the next bachelor....JUAN FREAKING PABLO. Seriously folks - who will volunteer to film my audition tape. I'm not even joking. Sign me the hell up.