But I'm getting ahead of myself. We open on the guys back at the TP-ed house, and bros Chad and Daniel are discussing the benefits of working out and counting calories (incorrectly, I might add). Chris Harrison brings the first date card and then has to clean up the TP. Score.
The first one-on-one date is for Chase, and he and JoJo proceed to a very awkward tantric yoga session which has become a staple of this show. JoJo admits she has never mounted a guy on a first date before, but still straddles him and they lock eyes for an eternity. They also learn what an "angergasm" is. I almost had to fast-forward through the sheer embarrassment of it all. I guess
The group date card arrives, and Chad says he would rather not go. The guys look at him in shock - no he didn't! - but Chad explains that he doesn't want to go on a date with 12 other dudes. He'd probably rather stay in the gym. Jordan suggests that Chad can't spell, and Chad responds that Jordan is a failed football player who has done nothing with his life other than throw a ball. Ooooooh.
It gets even more awkward when we learn that the group date is at a show called Sex Talks, in which people get up and tell stories about their sex life, and all the guys have to get up there as well. How mortifying - and why doesn't JoJo have to participate? Evan tells Alex that he's going to talk indirectly about Chad to show his true colors, and little Alex is beside himself. We see a few snippets of the Sex Talks, including some tales of being 16 and horny and an embarrassing tale involving the alphabet (I'll leave it at that). Evan gets up and provides a "cautionary tale" on steroids. By throwing in the word "naggy," it's clear to everyone that he's talking about Chad. As Evan goes to sit back down, Chad grabs his shirt and pulls him down before asking JoJo to join him on stage. Not feeling this whole date, he says he doesn't want to focus on the past, but rather look to the future, and tries to kiss JoJo. She turns away and it becomes a rather humbling kiss on the cheek. Mic drop. (Literally.)
Chad punches a door and says he wants to kill someone, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the evening. He keeps trying to steal her away from other guys, and finally succeeds, telling JoJo that a little kid shouldn't try to beat up a bully. JoJo responds with "don't be a bully!" Chad admits he didn't want to go on the date. She doesn't know what to think about this, but then Evan mans up and steals her away to provide an ultimatum: it's him or Chad. You must decide! For some reason she gives Evan the rose and a kiss, which makes me squirm - he's so smarmy! Upon announcing this decision to the rest of the group, Chad interrupts with "is this for real?" The guys can't believe he would do this, but Chad can't believe she would be interested in Evan. Veins popping. So many popping veins. And JoJo is not impressed.
Back at the house, Derek is Chad's roommate and feels so unsafe that a security guard now roams the mansion, keeping tabs on the non-bully bully. Chad's buddy Daniel is finally starting to sense that being his friend might not be good in the long run, so has an amazing conversation with him in which he calls Chad Hitler, Donald Trump, Mussolini and Bush (in order of terror, according to a Canadian). Feel free to draw what conclusions you like from that.
James Taylor and JoJo are busy learning to swing dance from an adorable old woman, complete with shoes, hair and makeup. They perform their routine outside with a bunch of other dancers, and James couldn't be more excited/sweet. Later, he admits to being called Luke Long-neck growing up, and doesn't see himself worthy of a woman like her. This pulls at her heartstrings, a makeout sesh ensues, and he gets the rose.
The next day, Chris Harrison arrives to announce no cocktail party, but instead an all-day pool party! The guys are psyched, aside from Chad, who doesn't need to see JoJo in a bikini - he can tell through her clothes how she looks - and doesn't want the other guys seeing her, either. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Evan follows Chris out the door to discuss how uncomfortable he feels around Chad. Harrison asks to speak to Chad, who blows it off by saying he was pushed, he wasn't the pusher. Chris knows this is a lose-lose, so tells Chad he needs to go inside and make it right with the other guys. How very Liftetime TV of him. Chad wants to cut off everyone's arms and legs and throw torsos in the pool. Should make for a fun pool party, no??
To Be Continued...
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